Young

Y

  • Would you like to be young again Jimmy?
  • I am young
  • Younger then
  • Like a teenager?
  • Yeah
  • No way
  • Why not?
  • It’s all too much trouble Ber
  • How do you mean?
  • All that hanging around with your mates. Chatting up girls, trying to look cool
  • You do that every Saturday night down the pub Jimmy
  • I do not. I have a few pints and a chat with the lads, that’s all
  • Yeah right. I’ve seen you lot eyeing up the young ones
  • No harm in looking Ber. I’m not dead yet
  • As long as you just look
  • Are you jealous?
  • Of what? Sure it’s not as if they look back at you
  • That’s harsh Bernie. I could still pull the birds
  • You’re for the bleedin’ birds Jimmy
  • Do you not think I could?
  • Of course you could, down the old folks home maybe. Plenty of aul wans looking for a toyboy to push their wheelchairs
  • Fuck off Bernie. I’ve seen young ones looking at me
  • Ye, wondering why some aul lad is leering at them
  • I’m not an aul lad. I’m in me prime  and I think you are jealous
  • You love yourself
  • I do not
  • You do. If you were a bar of chocolate you’d eat yourself
  • I can’t help my animal attraction Ber. It’s just as well I’m not as young as I was, sure jasus the young ones would maul me
  • Oh they would Jimmy; they would
  • What about you Ber. Would you like to be young…sorry , younger again
  • I’d love it Jimmy. Out with me mates every weekend, having a few scoops, dancing the night away into the early hours
  • Ha,you talk about me. You do that anyway
  • Not every weekend Jimmy, and I do be wrecked the next day. When you’re young you never get tired. I used to be able to go all night and still be up  early to do a full days work
  • Me too Ber. Remember we used to come home with the milkman
  • I remember having a sore arse from sitting on the glass bottles on the back of his float
  • Those were the days Ber. I suppose it would be nice to be younger again; maybe just for a night. Re live our youth
  • Would you go on the pull with your mates?
  • Ah sure I’d have to
  • Are you serious?
  • Yeah, I’d have to see if I could still pull the best looking bird in Tamangoes nightclub
  • What about me Jimmy?
  • I’m talking about you Bernie
  • Ah, you’re  just a big romantic  at heart
  • I told you I still had it Ber
  • You sure do Jimmy

Ah sure I’d be lost without him all the same  🙂

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X Factor

X

  • That Simon Cowell is an awful gobshite Bernie
  • I like him
  • How can you like him?
  • He’s gorgeous
  • D’ye think?
  • Ye, his eyes crinkle up when he smiles
  • I’d say his arse does too Bernie
  • No need for that Jimmy
  • Does he never get sick wearing the same tee shirt but?
  • It’s not the same tee shirt. He has loads of them
  • How do you know?
  • I just know
  • Them trousers though Ber, if they were up any higher they’d be around his bleedin’ neck
  • He obviously likes them like that. Just because you wear yours hanging off your arse doesn’t mean he has to
  • I do not
  • You give builders bum a bad name when you bend over
  • You’re very critical Bernie. I’m sorry I’m not as fit as your Simon
  • He’s not my Simon. I just like him that’s all
  • He’s very harsh on some of them poor young ones
  • He’s honest. They know what they’re letting themselves in for when they audition
  • But still Bernie, he could be a bit more human
  • Some of them eejits shouldn’t sing in the shower never mind on national TV.
  • They make the show. It would be boring if they were all great singers
  • So you agree most of them are shite?
  • Some of them are
  • Simon just says it like it is. I like a man that’s straight like that. No bullshit
  • Simon says…will you get a grip Bernie
  • You get a grip Jimmy
  • That Cheryl Cole is a fine thing though
  • She’s not called Cheryl Cole anymore
  • What’s she called then?
  • Cheryl Ann Fernandez-Versini
  • That’s a mouthful
  • It sure is
  • Why is she not a Cole anymore
  • She got divorced
  • That fuckin eejit divorced her?
  • She divorced him
  • Why? Were they not getting on?
  • He did the dirt on her
  • Fuckin’ gobshite. Imagine doing the dirt on a lovely young one like her
  • Well he did and now she’s not Cole anymore. Anyway, her new hubby is a fine thing
  • She’s  a fine thing
  • She’s alright
  • She’s bleedin’ gorgeous
  • If that’s the type you go for I suppose
  • I’d go for her alright
  • You could be her father
  • Ah stop ruining it Bernie
  • Ruining what? She’s hardly going to give up her life and run away with you
  • And Simon would for you?
  • I wouldn’t want him to
  • Would you not?
  • Why would I?
  • Ah Bernie, I always knew you were a one man woman
  • One man is more than enough Jimmy, believe me
  • And I’m man enough Bernie
  • You’ve got the whole package
  • If you’ve got it, you’ve got it, it doesn’t matter how old you are
  • Simon said that
  • Good man Simon. You’ve got the X Factor
  • …and a lovely smile
  • …and an arse that crinkles when you smile
  • You’re an awful gobshite Jimmy
  • And Simon’s got the arse factor

Give me patience!

Weeble

W

I was just dozing of when the doorbell rang. Fuckin’ Jimmy went out without his key again and of course everyone else was conveniently be asleep so I had to get up…again, to let him in. I found him wobbling on the front step like a bleedin’ weeble

  • Have you no key?
  • I forgot it
  • You do this every time
  • What?
  • Wake me up when you come in pissed
  • I’m not pissed
  • And I’m not wearing pyjamas Get in will you, you’re like a bleedin’ weeble
  • What?
  • Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down
  • I never fall down
  • One of these days you will
  • Sorry Ber
  • I think you do it on purpose
  • I do not
  • I told you to bring your key when you were leaving
  • I thought it was in my pocket
  • Anyway, you said you’d be back in an hour
  • That was the plan Ber
  • That’s always the plan
  • I only had two pints and just as I was leaving…
  • …Mick came in and bought you a pint
  • No actually, Ray did
  • …and you had to buy one back for him
  • Well it’s only polite
  • …then he bought you another one
  • Well you know Ray, he never has enough
  • …and you couldn’t say no
  • It’s rude to refuse Bernie

guinness

Viva Espana

V

Getting ready to go on Holiday is bad enough without Jimmy annoying me.

  • Tickets, passports,money,Suncream, sunglasses, umberella…
  • Why are you bringing an umberella?
  • It might rain
  • In Santa Ponsa?
  • It rains in Spain
  • In July?
  • It might
  • You’re mad Bernie
  • I must be, I married you Jimmy
  • Have you got everything?
  • I’ve a feeling I’m forgetting something
  • Well the kitchen sink is in your suitcase so I doubt it
  • No, but I’ve got that feeling Jimmy
  • You and your feelings Bernie
  • I’ll just check me list
  • You’ve checked it three times already
  • Well now I’m checking it four times
  • The taxi will be here in a minute
  • Have you got the passports and tickets Jimmy?
  • Right here in my pocket
  • Where’s the plastic bag for liquids?
  • In your bag
  • Have we enough money?
  • Loads of money
  • Lovely Jubbly
  • There’s the taxi outside now
  • I still think we’re forgetting something
  • We’re forgetting nothing will you get out for fuck sake
  • You bring the suitcases, I’ll lock the door
  • Olé olé olé olé
  • Santa Ponsa here we come
  • Viva Espana
  • I can’t wait Jimmy. A whole week of sea sand and…
  • Steady on Bernie
  • I was going to say sangria, ye dirty fecker
  • Yeah right
  • Shurrup and get in the taxi will ye
  • Here we go, airport please Mr. taxi man
  • At last
  • Hang on…stop, stop
  • Ah jasus, what’s up now Jimmy?
  • I forgot me jacket
  • You won’t need it
  • Says the woman with the bleedin’ umbrella in her bag
  • I’ll buy you a new  jacket in the market
  • I need that one
  • Why?
  • Because the passports and tickets are in the pocket
  • For fuck sake Jimmy, you’re an awful gobshite

Unemployed

U

Jimmy was out of work for six months. He nearly drove me fucking mad. He was everywhere. I got up in the morning and he was waiting for his breakfast. I came back from the shops he was sitting there watching Jeremy Kyle. I was cooking the dinner and he was hanging over me. Every time I walked into the kitchen he presumed I was making a cup of tea. If he hadn’t got a job when he did, I think I would have been done for murder. I came in from shopping one day…

  • Where were you?
  • I told you I was going to the shops
  • Did you?
  • Yeah,
  • I didn’t hear you
  • Jeremy Kyle obviously had more important things to say
  • No need for that Bernie
  • I don’t know how you watch that shite
  • It’s not shite; it’s real life
  • Real life me hole, they’re all skangers and bums on the dole looking for easy money while they make a show of themselves
  • I’m on the dole Bernie
  • I know you are but you’re not on Jeremy Kyle
  • Maybe I will some day
  • Well keep me out of it
  • I could tell him how me wife gives me an awful life
  • You could tell him how your wife ran off to the Bahamas because you were an annoying me
  • How do I annoy you?
  • Sitting on your hole all day watching telly, waiting for me to cook for you
  • I can’t help losing me job
  • Well you could do something other than watch telly
  • I go out sometimes
  • Yeah to the pub with Ray and Anto
  • What do you want me to do?
  • You could cut the grass
  • It’s raining out
  • It doesn’t rain everyday
  • Mostly it does though
  • You could paint that back bedroom
  • No one sleeps there anymore, it’s grand
  • I’d like it nice for when the kids come home or when we have visitors
  • We never have visitors, and when the kids come home they’re barely here
  • That’s not the point Jimmy
  • What’s the point then Bernie
  • The point is I want you to get up off your arse and do a few things around the house
  • I hovered the stairs for you
  • Once – a month ago
  • Well, I still did it
  • You could help me more
  • I will Bernie
  • I’ll believe it when I see it Jimmy
  • Come on, I’ll help you unpack the shopping
  • Thanks
  • Would you like a cup of tea love?
  • That would be lovely
  • Grand, make one for me too will ye
  • Fuck off
  • I’m only winding you up Ber
  • It’s what you do best Jimmy
  • You’ll miss me when I go back to work

Believe it or not… actually did!

Tea

T

What is it about tea that Irish people think it solves all problems?

I’m pregnant…have a cup of tea

I crashed the car…you need a nice strong cup of tea for your nerves

My fella broke up with me…he didn’t deserve you love, sit down and I’ll make you a cup of tea, you can tell me all about it

Me granny died…Lord rest her, I’ll make a pot of tea

Jimmy came home one evening in a rotten mood

  • What’s wrong with you?
  • Nothing
  • There must be something wrong Jimmy, you’re like a demon
  • I am not
  • You are so
  • I might be out of a job
  • What? How?
  • It’s this bleedin’ recession Bernie. There’s no work
  • I thought you were up to your eyes building houses
  • We were
  • So what happened?
  • No one is buying houses anymore
  • Of course they are
  • Well they want to buy them but the bank isn’t lending them money so they can’t
  • Fucking bankers
  • My sentiments exactly Bernie
  • So when are you finished work?
  • We’ve a meeting with the union on Monday
  • So it’s not definite?
  • Nothing is definite, but it’s looking bad
  • That’s shocking Jimmy
  • I know. I’ve been working with them for the past twenty five years. What am I going to do?
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • What?
  • I’ll make you a nice cup of tea
  • Fuck tea. I’m going for a pint
  • Right so
  • Are you coming?
  • Are you not meeting the lads?
  • I am, but you come too
  • Ah no, you go on
  • Right so. I won’t be long
  • Take your time Jimmy
  • See you later Bernie

Some problems need tea, but some problems definitely need a pint

guinness

Sunny Delight

S

Next doors dog keeps escaping into our garden and leaving little ‘messages’

Jimmy is not impressed…

  • That dog’s done a shite in our garden again
  • Ah poor Sunny
  • Sunny my arse
  • Poor Alison doesn’t get out much to bring him for a walk, he just comes in for a change of scenery
  • He comes in here to do his business and then leaves
  • I’ll bring him out for a walk for her later
  • It’s a bit late, he’s already shit on me roses
  • Sure that’s like fertiliser isn’t it?
  • He’s not a bleedin cow Bernie
  • Poo is poo isn’t it?
  • Dog shite is toxic
  • Ah no way. I’m not having that. I’ll have to talk to Alison
  • How is the fucker getting in? that’s what I want to know
  • There’s a gap in the fence, that’s how he’s getting in
  • There’s a gap in his arse, that’s how it’s getting out
  • Oh just mend the gap then
  • I’ll mend his gap
  • Just do something temporary, put up a piece of wood  until we can get the fence repaired
  • I’ll give him a temporary foot up his swiss roll if he does it again
  • Ah leave him alone Jimmy

Who says it’s a dogs life ?