I had to go in to hospital for a colonoscopy.

Dreading it, I was.  I had to drink litres of fluid to ‘clean myself out’ the day before. I checked in to the hospital at 7am on the morning of the procedure. I got undressed and into my gown and after I was prepped, I was wheeled down to the theatre. The doctor was lovely, but when he told me I’d be awake during the procedure, I nearly freaked

• No way, I want to be oblivious to everything, just wake me up when you’re finished
• You will be fine Mrs. Violet. You won’t feel a thing
• But I’ll know what’s going on
• I’ll just connect your canula now
• Be gentle with me doctor
• You will just feel a little prick as I insert the needle Mrs. Violet
• Ah that’s grand love. I’m used to it being married to my Jimmy
• You will receive some anaesthesia shortly
• I can’t stand Anastasia, can I not have a bit of Perry Como instead?
• Although will still be conscious, you may not remember much afterwards
• I remember everything doctor. You ask my husband
• Lie down on the table Mrs. Violet
• Ok, ok. Take a chill pill doc
• Turn on your side and face the screen please
• I didn’t know I was allowed watch telly during the operation. Have you got sky movies or the discovery channel?
• You can watch your procedure on the screen Mrs. Violet
• Discovery channel it is then
• You may fall asleep
• I won’t
• There is a small chance of perforation so you must remain still at all times, hence the anaesthesia.
• Perforation? What am I a teabag?
• What you are seeing on the screen now is the tube inside you with the camera attached
• Jasus, are they my insides?
• They are indeed
• Isn’t technology marvellous all the same
• The small nodule you see on your colon is a polyp. I will remove this now. This procedure is called a polypectomy
• Sounds like something my budgie would have. Ah hang on, will it hurt
• You will feel nothing. A colon has no feeling
• Who knew? Pity my head couldn’t have the same. Imagine no hangover of a Sunday morning
• We are just removing the tube now and your procedure is finished
• Already? That was no bother at all.
• I told you that you wouldn’t feel a thing
• So what is the diagnosis Doc?
• Two polyps and a hiatus hernia…
• Sounds like a movie I saw once with Hugh Grant.
• Let us just pray there isn’t a sequel Mrs. Violet

Aren’t some doctors dry shites all the same .