Polyp Fiction

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I had to go in to hospital for a colonoscopy.

Dreading it, I was.  I had to drink litres of fluid to ‘clean myself out’ the day before. I checked in to the hospital at 7am on the morning of the procedure. I got undressed and into my gown and after I was prepped, I was wheeled down to the theatre. The doctor was lovely, but when he told me I’d be awake during the procedure, I nearly freaked

  • No way, I want to be oblivious to everything, just wake me up when you’re finished
  • You will be fine Mrs. Violet. You won’t feel a thing
  • But I’ll know what’s going on
  • I’ll just connect your canula now
  • Be gentle with me doctor
  • You will just feel a little prick as I insert the needle Mrs. Violet
  • Ah that’s grand love. I’m used to it being married to my Jimmy
  • You will receive some anaesthesia shortly
  • I can’t stand Anastasia, can I not have a bit of Perry Como instead?
  • Although will still be conscious, you may not remember much afterwards
  • I remember everything doctor. You ask my husband
  • Lie down on the table Mrs. Violet
  • Ok, ok. Take a chill pill doc
  • Turn on your side and face the screen please
  • I didn’t know I was allowed watch telly during the operation. Have you got sky movies or the discovery channel?
  • You can watch your procedure on the screen Mrs. Violet
  • Discovery channel it is then
  • You may fall asleep
  • I won’t
  • There is a small chance of perforation so you must remain still at all times, hence the anaesthesia.
  • Perforation? What am I a teabag?
  • What you are seeing on the screen now is the tube inside you with the camera attached
  • Jasus, are they my insides?
  • They are indeed
  • Isn’t technology marvellous all the same
  • The small nodule you see on your colon is a polyp. I will remove this now. This procedure is called a polypectomy
  • Sounds like something my budgie would have. Ah hang on, will it hurt
  • You will feel nothing. A colon has no feeling
  • Who knew? Pity my head couldn’t have the same. Imagine no hangover of a Sunday morning
  • We are just removing the tube now and your procedure is finished
  • Already? That was no bother at all.
  • I told you that you wouldn’t feel a thing
  • So what is the diagnosis Doc?
  • Two polyps and a hiatus hernia…
  • Sounds like a movie I saw once with Hugh Grant.
  • Let us just pray there isn’t a sequel Mrs. Violet

 

Aren’t some doctors dry shites all the same .

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