Oscar

It’s Oscar time again and it got me thinking about who would star in the movie of my book.  .81st Academy Awards¨ Press Kit Images

  • Who would play you in a movie Jimmy?
  • What’s the movie about?
  • I dunno…Life
  • ‘The life and times of Jimmy Violet’
  • It could be ‘The life and times of Bernie Rose’.
  • I thought it was about me
  • I never said it was about you. I just asked who would play you in a movie
  • Same thing
  • No it’s not
  • So it’s your movie then
  • Maybe
  • Right so
  • But you’d be in it
  • Like a supporting role
  • Well, we are married
  • Could we share the lead?
  • I suppose so
  • That’s nice
  • So who would you pick?
  • For what?
  • To play you in the movie. For fuck Sake Jimmy,keep up will ye
  • Can Daniel Craig do a Dublin accent?
  • I dunno
  • There’s nothing worse than a crap Dublin accent
  • You’re right there Jimmy.
  • What about Brad Pitt?
  • No way. Remember ‘Snatch’?
  • Oh yeah, shite accent alright
  • What about Colin Farrell?
  • He’s a little bollix
  • He is gorgeous tho’
  • D’ye think?
  • Ye, but you’re right. He is a little bollix…anyway, he’s too young
  • Fuck off Bernie. He’s not much younger than me
  • In dog years yeah Jimmy
  • I’m not having Pierce Brosnan
  •  I’m sure he’ll be raging
  • Not after  Mama Mia. He totally ruined his James Bond image. Made a show of himself he did
  • When did you watch Mama Mia?
  • Kylie made me watch it with her a few years ago when she was off school
  • She made you?
  • Well she was sick. I didn’t like to say no
  • I believe you, thousands wouldn’t. What about Liam Neeson?
  • He’s from the north Bernie. He’d never pull off the Dub accent
  • He is a ride tho’
  • Whatever you say Bernie
  • I know the very man…Gabriel Byrne
  • Where’s he from?
  • Drimnagh
  • He’d have the accent so
  • And he’s fuckin’ gorgeous Jimmy
  • Sure he’d have to be gorgeous if he’s playing me Bernie
  • You love yourself Jimmy Violet
  • What’s not to love Bernie.
  • You’re so modest too
  • That’s me sorted, so now, who’d play you Bernie?
  • Charlize Theron
  • What about the accent Bernie?
  • Ah, she’ll be grand…Or Cameron Diaz
  • Are they not a bit young?
  • No
  • I was thinking of someone a bit more mature
  • Like who?
  • Brenda Fricker
  • You can fuck right off Jimmy Violet
  • What’s wrong with you?
  • You get Gabriel Byrne…and I get Brenda bleedin’ Fricker?
  • She has the accent bu’
  • She’s old enough to be me ma
  • Really? She doesn’t look it
  • Well she is
  • It hurts doesn’t it Bernie?
  • What does?
  • It’s alright for you to say Colin Farrell is too young to play me, but it’s not alright for me to say poor Brenda is young enough to play you
  • Never mind Colin Farrell being a little bollix Jimmy…You’d win an Oscar for it
  • I’ll  just go write my acceptance speech then 🙂

 

81st Academy Awards¨ Press Kit Images

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The Vote

Election 2016

  • Who was at de door love?
  • Some fella lookin’ for a vote
  • What did ye say to him
  • I told him to fuck off
  • Dat was a bit rude Jimmy
  • He’s lucky I didn’t belt him one. Did he not see the sign on de door? ‘NO CANVASSERS’
  • Dey must be blind
  • He’s not the first one either, shower of gobshites
  • Who was he with?
  • Some bird with a clipboard
  • No, I mean what party was he with?
  • Fucked if I know Bernie
  • Did ye not ask him?
  • No
  • Why not?
  • Because I don’t give a shite who he’s with
  • Who ye votin’ for ?
  • I haven’t decided yet Ber
  • Think seriously now before ye cast yer vote Jimmy
  • Wha’?
  • Joan Burton said that
  • Joan Burton can ask me swiss roll
  • She’s right bu’
  • Since when did you take any notice of what Joan Burton says?
  • Since I haven’t a bleedin’ clue who I’m votin’ for
  • Sure they’re all a shower of wasters Ber
  • Enda Kenny bu’, he’s the worst
  • He’s a gobshite
  • I think it’s Enda story for him
  • It’s Michéall Martin then
  • That smarmy fucker?
  • Gerry Adams?
  • Ah no, that’s takin’ tings a bit too far Ber
  • Ah Jimmy, ye have te vote for someone
  • Definitely not the Green party. They ruined it for themselves the last time with their empty promises.
  • Sure don’t they all make empty promises
  • I like that Ronan chap who lives up de road
  • De one who’s posting photos of himself all over West Dublin on Facebook and you’ve to guess where he is?
  • The very man Ber. He’s all for small businesses. About time someone stood up for the self employed
  • And he’s going to deal with the shocking crime in Dublin. We need to feel safe in our homes Jimmy
  • We do Ber, we do
  • …and he has a sense of humour Jimmy. I like a man with a sense of humour.
  • Enda is out so Bernie
  • Enda de line for him I hope
  • …and Joan?
  • Gone for a Burton Jimmy

Don’t forget to vote tomorrow lads.

The chat up

Me pal Lynn dropped round for a coffee and a chat on Saturday mornin’.

  • How  did you get on at the Hens party last night Bernie
  • We had a great night. Gorgeous meal, a few scoops a bit of karaoke
  • Sounds good
  • It was,until the young ones wanted to go to a nightclub
  • Did ye go
  • I did. Julie dragged me along, you know her for the dancin’
  • Ah Julie loves a bit of a bop alrigh’
  • So do I, but Jaysis Lynn, it was full of bleedin’ kids
  • Did ye get an ask up?
  • They don’t have slow sets anymore
  • Ah jaysis, that’s shite Bernie
  • I know. I did get chatted up bu’
  • Gerraway
  • Yeah
  • By who?
  • Some little pimple headed yoke
  • Ha, scarleh for ye Berno
  • He was about twelve
  • And he had a chat up line?
  • How do you like you’re eggs in the mornin’? he says
  • The dirtbird. What did you say Bernie?
  • With a cup of coffee and Kevin Bacon I says now fuck off home to yer mammy
  • Ye did not?
  • I did
  • Scarleh for him
  • He probably didn’t even know who Kevin Bacon was
  • I’d love a bit of Kevin Bacon meself
  • On toast Lynn
  • On a roll Bernie
  • A jumbo breakfast roll
  • With a big sausage
  • Ye dirty bitch Lynn
  • Wha’? That’s just your dirty mind Bernie
  • Does this make me a cougar or wha’?
  • Poor young fella would have been on a roll last night if you were
  • Ah, I felt a bit sorry for him after
  • He won’t be usin’ that chat up line again in a hurry
  • Not on me inannyway
  • No more nightclubs for you
  • Never say never
  • Ye still have it all the same Bernie
  • I never fuckin’ lost it Lynn

Groundhog Day

Punxsutawney-Phil

  • 2nd February today Jimmy
  • Well spotted Bernie
  • Ground hog day
  • What’s that got to do with the price of turnips?
  • I was just…
  • Ah don’t tell me Ber
  • Tell you what?
  • Don’t tell me Bill Murray is dead
  • Why would I tell you Bill Murray is dead?
  • It’s Punxsutawny Phil isn’t it?
  • What?
  • He’s dead
  • Is he?
  • You tell me?
  • Well he probably is
  • I knew it
  • Knew what
  • You were going to tell me someone died
  • What made you think that?
  • Practically every conversation we’ve had since Christmas  starts with you telling me someone famous has died
  • It’s not like I killed them Jimmy. I was just passing on the news
  • So Phil is dead? Poor little fucker.
  • Is he dead?
  • You said he was
  • I said probably
  • What does that mean?
  • Lots of Phils have died
  • Have they?
  • Well ye hardly think the same Ground hog is alive since the 1800’s?
  • Oh right, probably not Bernie
  • Definitely not Jimmy
  • So who’s dead then?
  • No one
  • That makes a change. So what were you going to say then?
  • I was just going to say, imagine living the same day over and over and over and over again Jimmy
  • Story of my life Ber
  • Imagine living in a place called Gobblers Knob
  • We’ve lived in worse. Remember Ringsend?
  • You find a dirty meaning for everything Jimmy Violet
  • I do not
  • What about Sally’s Gap?
  • Ok ok you’re right. I’m a dirt bird
  • Too right you are
  • January but Bernie. Every day feels the same. It’d put years on ye
  • Ah Spring is here, sure look at the evenings getting longer already
  • Will ye listen to Punxsutawney Bernie. Can ye see yer shadow Ber?
  • Get lost Jimmy. I’m just being optimistic
  • You what?
  • I’m being optimistic
  • I think you already said that Ber
  • Fuck off Jimmy
  • Happy Ground hog day
  • Right
  • At least no one died
  • Not yet Jimmy; not yet.

Blankety Blank

blankety-blank-e1331713324474

 

  • Terry Wogan but Jimmy  😦
  • Another one bites the dust
  • January has been a bitch
  • Sure has Ber
  • Best Eurovision presenter ever
  • He was good craic alright
  • Graham Norton is good tho’
  • I believe ye Ber
  • Children in Need will never be the same
  • Another gig for Graham then
  • Ah stoppit Jimmy
  • I’m only makin’ an observation Bernie
  • The two of them are from Limerick
  • I suppose someone has to be
  • True
  • Remember Blankety Blank?
  • I always wanted a blankety blank cheque book and pen
  • Only the losers got one of them Ber
  • You would have got one handy enough then Jimmy
  • Fuck off Ber
  • Jaysis, take a joke will ye
  • You’re hilarious alright
  • Terry was on Top of the Pops once
  • I remember ‘The Floral dance’?
  • Scarlet for him
  • He loved takin’ the piss
  • He was never crude but Jimmy
  • True Bernie. He could have the  craic without being vulgar
  • Unlike some people
  • What are you gettin’ at
  • Nothin’. Just sayin’
  • Right
  • A gentleman with a great sense of humour
  • Gas man alright
  • Ye know he was great pals with Gloria
  •  Gloria Éstefan?
  • No, ye gobshite; Gloria Hunniford
  • Yer one off loose women?
  • I thought you didn’t watch loose women?
  • I don’t. I heard you talkin’ about her on it once
  • Yeah right. Ye know Terry used to call her Glorious Hunnybuns
  • Good man Terry
  • So many legends gone since Christmas Jimmy
  • Terry is up there with them all
  • Doin’ the floral dance
  • Still takin’ the piss
  • Havin’ a pint with Alan Rickman
  • …and Lemmy
  • Playing Bowie records
  • Great DJ
  • They needed the best
  • They have him now

 

R.I.P. Terry