Jimmy was out of work for six months. He nearly drove me fucking mad. He was everywhere. I got up in the morning and he was waiting for his breakfast. I came back from the shops he was sitting there watching Jeremy Kyle. I was cooking the dinner and he was hanging over me. Every time I walked into the kitchen he presumed I was making a cup of tea. If he hadn’t got a job when he did, I think I would have been done for murder. I came in from shopping one day…

• Where were you?
• I told you I was going to the shops
• Did you?
• Yeah,
• I didn’t hear you
• Jeremy Kyle obviously had more important things to say
• No need for that Bernie
• I don’t know how you watch that shite
• It’s not shite; it’s real life
• Real life me hole, they’re all skangers and bums on the dole looking for easy money while they make a show of themselves
• I’m on the dole Bernie
• I know you are but you’re not on Jeremy Kyle
• Maybe I will some day
• Well keep me out of it
• I could tell him how me wife gives me an awful life
• You could tell him how your wife ran off to the Bahamas because you were an annoying me
• How do I annoy you?
• Sitting on your hole all day watching telly, waiting for me to cook for you
• I can’t help losing me job
• Well you could do something other than watch telly
• I go out sometimes
• Yeah to the pub with Ray and Anto
• What do you want me to do?
• You could cut the grass
• It’s raining out
• It doesn’t rain everyday
• Mostly it does though
• You could paint that back bedroom
• No one sleeps there anymore, it’s grand
• I’d like it nice for when the kids come home or when we have visitors
• We never have visitors, and when the kids come home they’re barely here
• That’s not the point Jimmy
• What’s the point then Bernie
• The point is I want you to get up off your arse and do a few things around the house
• I hovered the stairs for you
• Once – a month ago
• Well, I still did it
• You could help me more
• I will Bernie
• I’ll believe it when I see it Jimmy
• Come on, I’ll help you unpack the shopping
• Thanks
• Would you like a cup of tea love?
• That would be lovely
• Grand, make one for me too will ye
• Fuck off
• I’m only winding you up Ber
• It’s what you do best Jimmy
• You’ll miss me when I go back to work

Believe it or not… actually did!