It could happen to a Bishop

judge

So, I went to court last week over me T.V. licence. I bet you all thought I was in Mountjoy prison by now didn’t you? Well, sorry about that but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch behind bars. Me and Julie went to the pub after we left the court.  I got home about 8pm. Jimmy was going mad.

  • Where the hell were you until this hour Bernie?
  • I was in court, I told ye
  • That was at ten this morning. I thought they’d locked you up.
  • Oh ye of little faith Jimmy, oh yeeee of little faith
  • Well I couldn’t get you on your phone. I’ve been trying to ring you for hours
  • I left me phone at home in case I was sent to the Joy. I don’t trust them wardens. I was afraid it would go missing on me
  • So where was Julies phone then? I couldn’t get her either
  • Ah her battery went flat. Get’s a glass of water will ye Jimmy
  • So
  • So what?
  • So what happened in court? Jaysis Bernie, how many drinks did you have?
  • I only had a few vodkas
  • A few my arse, you’re bleedin’ buckled. What happened for Gods sake woman?
  • I presented my new t.v. licence, paid the fine and left
  • So where were you until now?… as if I need to ask
  • Me and Julie went for lunch and a few scoops to celebrate my freedom
  • What freedom? You weren’t even locked up Bernie
  • Well I could have been
  • But you weren’t
  • If I hadn’t paid the fine I would have
  • So what did the judge say?
  • He asked why I didn’t pay it in the first place and I said ‘I’m sorry your honour I was going to pay it on the Friday but we went to Paris and when I got home I forgot’ and he said ‘Isn’t it well for you going to Paris with no T.V. licence Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘I didn’t need a T.V. licence in Paris your honour’ and he said You should be on the stage Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Thanks your honour’ and then, he said, he said, then he said em…
  • Jasus, you can’t even finish a sentence Ber
  • Ha, finish a sentence, that’s gas Jimmy, you’re hilarious. Court…fine…prison…sentence
  • That judge was right… you should be on stage Bernie
  • Thanks love. Now where was I? oh ye,he asked me if I’d a nice time in Paris and I said ‘It was lovely your honour, then I got home to find a summons in the post, that sort of took a bit of the sparkle away’ and he said ‘Sorry for the inconvenience Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Ah your grand your honour, sure it could happen to a judge’ and he said ‘You mean a bishop Mrs. Violet. it could happen to a bishop’ and I said ‘I’m sure it could happen to a bishop too but I don’t suppose bishops have to worry about T.V. licences because they probably get theirs paid by the church collection money of a Sunday’… Get us a glass of water Jimmy will ye
  • Jaysis Bernie, you’re bleedin’ mad. You’re lucky he didn’t have you in contempt of court
  • You watch too much Judge Judy Jimmy
  • So what did he say then?
  • He asked me if I was in a position to pay the fine and I said ‘Well I am a bit financially embarrassed after Paris, you know what it’s like your honour but I did a few extra shifts at work last week and meself and Jimmy will be staying in for the next few Saturday nights so no bother, a fine is a fine and Bernie Rose Violet always pays  what she owes’
  • Why did you tell him we were staying in  of a Saturday night Bernie?
  • Because we are. Anyway, that bleedin’ telly has cost me a fortune so I’m staying in to watch it, and so are you
  • Ah here, I love me few pints with the lads of a Saturday
  • Well a couple of weeks won’t kill you
  • Say’s you, out of your box
  • You should be grateful your wife wasn’t banged up
  • You were never going to be banged up Bernie
  • You said earlier you thought I was in the Joy when you couldn’t get me on the phone
  • But I knew you weren’t really
  • I might have been only I think the judge liked me
  • What makes you think he liked you?
  • Well before I left he smiled at me and said ‘God bless your husband Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘God bless you too your honour’
  • Do you not think he was being a bit sarcastic Bernie?
  • I don’t give a shite what he was Jimmy as long as he banged his gavel and let me go home
  • Did he bang his gavel?
  • No I was going to ask him to but he looked a bit pissed off, so I just paid the clerk and left…are you getting me that glass of water Jimmy?
  • So you’ve been on the razz with Julie all this time
  • Yes I have. I still would be if Julie had her way but you know I’m not much of a day drinker Jimmy?
  • Looks like you gave it a good lash Bernie
  • It’s good to be a free woman Jimmy
  • Free?  Jaysis, today cost us over two hundred euro Bernie…and that’s not including what you spent on drink. Free  me bolix
  • It’s only money love and at least I don’t have a record
  • Unless it’s a record for being pissed
  • But I didn’t get banged up
  • Not yet anyway Bernie
  • Oooh Jimmy, I love it when you talk dirty
  • Ah jaysis Ber, get up to bed will ye, you’re bleedin’ locked
  • …but not locked up Jimmy. Not locked up
  • Go to bed, Ill bring your water up
  • Love you Jimmy…hic
  • Love you too ye dipso
  • Night night Jimmy

So what’s on telly this weekend then?  🙂

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Karma

I met Bridgie in House of Fraser this morning buying a hat for a wedding…the same wedding I’m going to in August. Am I forever destined to bump into her at weddings? She’s still an aul wagon and she hasn’t forgiven me for ‘stealing’ her Jimmy. The bleedin’ cheek of her…and I was so looking forward to the day out. We’d better not be sitting at the same table! I thought I’d repost this to cheer meself up. 🙂

dublinhousewife

K

Some people say karma is a bitch but I like her, she’s always been good to me; Especially where Bridget Campion is concerned.I should have recognised her straight away. she was always a skinny bitch in school, and a wagon to me. She thought she was better than the rest of us just because her Da had his own shop and she always had crisps and sweets for her lunch when the rest of us had to make do with the corned beef or cheese sandwiches and a bottle of milk provided by the school.When I was fourteen I was going out with a fella called Joey Flynn. Well when I say going out I mean we walked home from school together sometimes and we went to the pictures once or twice and had a snog in the back row. Bridget fancied Joey and was mad jealous that I was…

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Somebody’s Bitch

behind bars

I got a summons in the post. I’m up in court next week. I’m mortified. I’ve never been in court in me life. Julie thinks it’s bleedin’ hilarious…

  • Ah Berno, trust you
  • It’s not funny Julie. What about my good name?
  • For fuck sake Bernie, it’s only for a t.v. licence
  • It doesn’t matter. I’ll never live it down
  • Why didn’t you pay it?
  • I thought I did, then I got a reminder before we went to Paris and when we got back I forgot, then I got a fine and I forgot to pay that
  • The price you have to pay for continental travel Berno
  • What if they lock me up
  • They won’t lock you up
  • They might
  • They won’t, I’m tellin’ ye
  • I remember reading about some old dear who got locked up for not paying her licence fee
  • They can’t lock you up for no licence.
  • Really? Oh thank God for that
  • No, they only lock you up if you don’t pay the court fine
  • Ah fuck off Julie. I didn’t pay the fine. That’s the problem
  • Ye big eejit Bernie.
  • Just as well I look good in orange
  • What do you mean?
  • Orange is the new black …I’m gonna be banged up Jules. I’ll never survive
  • Stoppit will ye. It’s not bleedin’ death row in Folsom prison. You watch too much T.V.
  • Oh stop. It will be like ‘Bad Girls’. I could be somebody’s bitch by Friday night
  • Will you calm down. You’ll be nobody’s bitch but mine at the Karaoke on Friday night
  • I wonder will they cuff me
  • I’m sure if you ask nicely they will..haha. Watch out Jimmy, I hear some of them prison guards are ‘fine’ things … excuse the pun Bernie
  • Ah Jules, you’re not helping. I’m bricking it. What’s gonna happen to me?
  • Relax will ye. They’ll just bring you to ‘The Joy’, put you in holding cell for a few hours and then they let you go.
  • What’s the point of that?
  • There’s no bleedin’ point Bernie. They just love to waste police time and tax payers money locking up innocent women instead of real criminals.
  • How come you know so much about it?
  • It happened some girl from Donegal. I read about it in the paper. Remember I told you about it
  • The one they brought down in a taxi?
  • Yeah, the taxi fare was dearer than the bleedin’ fine. Sure she had a day out in Dublin, and her lunch thrown in aswell.
  • I’m sure she’d rather have spent a day in Dublin doing something nicer than sitting in The Dochas Centre in Mountjoy Julie
  • Ah yeah God love her, it must have been an awful ordeal
  • Have you got a T.V. licence Julie?
  • Of course I have. I’m not that stupid Berno
  • Jaysis thanks pal
  • See you in court Bernie
  • Yes you will, ‘cos you’re coming with me
  • Should I bring a cake with a file in it?
  • Very funny
  • O.K. I’ll wait ’til visiting day then
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious Julie

If you don’t hear from me next week, you’ll know I’m a banged up broad   😦

You are my sunshine

sunshine

The sun’s been out for two feckin’ days and people are moaning about the heat already. Guess who’s the worst culprit? Yeah, you’re right. Jimmy came home from work early yesterday, sweating buckets.

  • Jaysis Ber, I’m bleedin’ meltin’
  • Must be something to do with the weather Jimmy
  • The heat is unreal tho’ isn’t it
  • Ah give over will ye , it’ll probably be pissing rain tomorrow
  • A drop of rain would be no harm
  • What? Will you give over. It’s been raining for weeks
  • You’d miss it but
  • Miss the rain? Ehhh, no
  • I’m burned to a rasher working out in that heat.
  • You’d be moaning if you had to work indoors
  • At least there would be air conditioning
  • You’re never happy are ye?
  • I’m just hot Bernie. It’s ok for you, lying out on your sun lounger under your umberella all day
  • Excuse me, I’m not lying out all day. I was working until one o’clock…indoors, with NO air conditioning, then I had to come home and do me housework. I’m only after coming out this minute
  • Ah yeah, I believe ye
  • Fuck off Jimmy. Believe what ye like, now move, you’re blocking me rays
  • Ah but, messing aside, it is nice to have a bit of sun all the same. I just wish it wasn’t so hot
  • It’s not that hot
  • You could fry an egg on the bonnet of me van it’s so hot Bernie
  • That’s handy. I wont have to put the cooker on to make you a rasher and egg sambo so
  • Ah that sounds lovely Ber, I’m bleedin’ starvin’
  • Would you like a sandwich love?
  • I’d love one
  • Grand, make me one too while you’re at it
  • Very funny
  • I wasn’t trying to be funny. I’d love a sandwich
  • Ah, you make them nicer Bernie
  • You just hate to see me sitting down don’t ye
  • I’m knackered too, I had to knock off early  because of the sunshine and the high pollen count. I’m in bits here Bernie
  • You’d have to knock off early if it was raining Jimmy
  • The perils of being a builder Bernie
  • My heart bleeds for you
  • I’d never get any sympathy in this house
  • You knocked off work early and you’re looking for sympathy? Get a grip will ye
  • It’s true what the say ‘leave your feelings at the door before you enter this house’
  • Who said that?
  • I’m saying nothing
  • Well shurrup then annoying me, will ye
  • Well a bit of concern for my hay fever wouldn’t go amiss
  • Oh for Gods sake, sit down ’til I go get your sambo and  antihistamines
  • Cheers love, oh and a beer from the fridge would be nice
  • Don’t push it Jimmy, don’t fuckin’ push it

Give me patience!