Gymslip mammy

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Me pal Rita called round for a cuppa this morning. She always has the gossip

  • Howya Bernie
  • Howya Rita, any news?
  • Did you hear Vera Moran’s young one is pregnant?
  • Louise? Again? Jaysis she only had twins last year
  • No, the younger one, Laura
  • Ah stop, you’re messin’
  • I’m not
  • But she’s only a child herself Rita
  • She’s nearly fifteen
  • Oh my God, Vera was only telling me about her studying for her exams in June
  • Well looks like it’s not only her books she was studying Bern
  • Remember when we were her age? We were still in knee socks
  • … and playing with dolls
  • Ah I wouldn’t go that far, sure I met my Mick when I was only fifteen
  • You were an early starter Rita
  • Are you saying I was easy Bernie Rose Violet?
  • I never said that, will ye feck off being so bleedin’ sensitive
  • Well feck off insinuating then
  • So how far gone is she? Vera’s young one I mean
  • Seven months
  • Mother of Divine, how did she hide it for so long? When did Vera find out?
  • She hadn’t a clue. She only found out last weekend when she walked into her bedroom and the young one was examining her bump in the mirror
  • Sweet Jaysis, she must have nearly died
  • Ye, she pulled her top down real quick when her ma walked in
  • I mean Vera must have nearly died
  • Ah yeah, can you imagine the shock of it
  • Her baby having a baby…jaysis I’d die, she’s younger than my Whitney
  • And a quiet young one too, not wild like some of them
  • I know, a lovely kid she is, and Vera was always strict with her
  • Well, she kept her on a tight leash after Louise got pregnant
  • Not tight enough obviously Rita
  • Or too tight even. Sure the poor young one couldn’t go as far as the corner shop without Vera ringing her
  • I don’t know how she got pregnant
  • Will I draw you a diagram?
  • Ha, feck off. You know what I mean Bernie. I wonder how she got away from Vera for long enough
  • That’s true Rita, so who’s the father, do you know?
  • She won’t say. Brian is going mental. He said he’s going to chop the mickey off whoever it is
  • Jaysis, no wonder she wont tell.
  • I know, that Brian fella has an awful temper on him
  • Well, all I can say is … God help the poor young fella whoever he is
  • Rumour has it that it’s Charlie O’Malley’s young fella
  • Are ye serious? That little fart in the can
  • Charlie was always a little scut, his son is the same, always in trouble.
  • How in the name of God did a lovely young one like Laura get mixed up with him?
  • Well Charlie and Brian are mates since way back. The kids must have met at some family thing
  • I can’t see them being mates after this
  • Brian is a bit of a mad scone, he’ll do time for this Bernie, you mark my words
  • He is a law unto himself, Lord only knows what he’ll do
  • He’ll bate lumps ou’ve the pair of them
  • Poor Vera, she’s an awful lot to put up with
  • She’s heartbroken God love her
  • Sure isn’t it happening to young ones everyday Rita
  • It is Bernie. Babbies having babbies
  • I know, and in this day and age, there’s no need for it
  • Have they never heard of contraception?
  • Have they never heard of keeping their knickers on Rita?

Kids! You’re never done worrying about them are you?

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Shopping

waiting for wife

Jimmy had a day off work yesterday. I was just heading off to town to look for an outfit for Julies daughter’s wedding when he follows me out to the car. ‘I’ll come  with you Bernie’ he said. I hate when he comes shopping with me. He spends the whole time moaning and giving out about the length of time I spend in the shops. ‘Are you sure Jimmy?’ I said. ‘Would you not prefer to do a bit of gardening or relax in front of the telly? I’ll only be an hour?’ ‘Ah no, I’ll come with you love’ says he. ‘It’ll be nice’ There was no getting away from him. ‘Come on then’ I said. ‘But you better not start annoying me to hurry up’. ‘Sure you’ll only be an hour’ he said.

Well, when we got home that afternoon he was in a right mood.

  • Never ask me to go shopping with you again
  • I didn’t ask you. You just came
  • Well, I thought you were only going to be an hour
  • Don’t be stupid Jimmy
  • What do you mean?
  • When was I only ever an hour out shopping?
  • But you said you’d only be an hour
  • I always say that
  • I know, but you never are
  • We weren’t that long
  • Four hours Bernie…four bleedin’ hours
  • Well you should have stayed home then
  • I should have. I’ve a pain in me hole looking at shops
  • You knew I was looking for an outfit for the wedding
  • But you got nothing, after four hours…NOTHING
  • I didn’t see anything I liked, and you were no help, standing there with a bleedin’ face on you every time I tried a dress on
  • I told you the blue one was alright
  • Alright? Alright? I can’t go to my best friends daughters wedding in a dress that’s just ‘alright’
  • Sure who’ll be looking at you?
  • Thanks a lot
  • Well everyone will be looking at the bride
  • I’ll just wear me apron and slippers then will I Jimmy?
  • Wear what you like Bernie, sure you’ve loads of dresses up in the wardrobe that you never wear
  • It’s a bleedin’ wedding Jimmy. I have to get something new
  • That’s ridiculous. I’m not getting a new suit
  • Just because you’re happy wearing the same suit to every wedding and party we go to, doesn’t mean I have to.
  • There’s nothing wrong with my suit, there’s plenty more years left in it yet
  • Whatever you say Jimmy, you wear what you like
  • I will. I don’t need to traipse around town either
  • It’s different for men. You don’t give a shite what you wear
  • I care. That suit’s a classic, it will never go out of fashion
  • Just as well, you’re certainly getting your moneys worth out of it anyway
  • Too right I’m getting me moneys worth.I bought that in Burton’s, it wasn’t cheap you know.
  • I know, you tell me that every time you wear it Jimmy.
  • Anyway, I’m finished with shopping after today
  • You didn’t do any shopping, all you did was give out
  • Well, you try standing outside Penney’s for forty five minutes. You said you were just going in to buy a pair of knickers
  • You could have come in with me
  • I could not. I’d look like a right spanner following you around the underwear department
  • Well, you could have bought a newspaper and waited for me in the coffee shop
  • I could have printed the feckin’ newspaper and ground the coffee beans, the length of time you were in there Bernie
  • Stop exaggerating Jimmy. I wasn’t that long
  • You were so. The security guard was giving me funny looks I was so long standing there.
  • You’re imagining things. I’m sure the security guard is well used to men waiting for their wives outside
  • Well, I won’t be doing it again in a hurry; I felt like a right tool
  • I’m better off without you anyway…whinging and moaning every time I go into a shop
  • I don’t mind you going in Bernie, it’s when you forget to come back out that pisses me off
  • It takes time to browse. I don’t want to miss any bargains
  • But you didn’t even buy anything
  • I didn’t see anything I liked
  • Four feckin’ hours traipsing around town and you saw nothing you liked?
  • I’ll have to go back tomorrow
  • Tomorrow? Again? Are you off your trolly? What makes you think you’ll see anything you like tomorrow if you couldn’t see anything today?
  • Well, I can browse in peace, spend more time without worrying about you moaning outside
  • Spend more than four hours?Well, you’re on your own.
  • Thank God
  • Don’t ask me to come with you
  • Don’t worry, I won’t. Anyway, you’re in work tomorrow
  • Thanks be to Jaysis

He is NEVER coming shopping with me again!

YES

vote yes

The Equality Referendum is tomorrow. Me and Jimmy are going to the polling station together early before he heads off to work.

I think it’s about time we were all treated equal in this country, in this world.

If you vote no, that’s your choice. We should all have the freedom to make our own choices.

I want to wish everyone well and good luck to my gay and lesbian friends who just want to be treated equal. They want to be able to have the same choices as the rest of us. There should not be an ‘us’ and ‘them’. They shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of who they are. They shouldn’t need a referendum. Who are we to dictate to another human being about how they live their lives?  Everyone should be allowed to be themselves without prejudice.

We should all have the freedom to marry the person we love.

It’s 2015 people. Time for Equality

Goodnight all and see you at the polling station

Bernie   🙂

Cougar

cougar

Me ma’s cousin Connie  went away with her pal Maeve on a Mediterranean cruise for a month. She came home last weekend and told ma she met a fella and they’re getting married. He’s years younger than her. Well, Jimmy couldn’t believe it when I told him.

  • Is she off her rocker?
  • She said they’re in love
  • In love my arse, she’s twice his age
  • Ah no she’s not that old
  • She’s old enough to be his mother…his grandmother even
  • You always exaggerate things Jimmy. Anyway, if he was older than her, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid
  • Young women with older men don’t look as bad as young men with aul ones
  • Ah that’s shocking talk
  • I’m only telling the truth. How would you like our Jack having it off with Mrs. Byrne up the road
  • Fuck off Jimmy, that’s disgusting. Mrs. Byrne is older than me ma
  • I rest my case
  • But I wouldn’t want Whitney marrying Mr. Byrne either
  • Ah Jaysus no Bernie, Paddy Byrne is a mouldy old git
  • Well, you just said it’s ok for young ones to be with aul fellas
  • Well not my young one. The others can do what they like
  • That’s double standards
  • I don’t give a shite what it is; Whitney is not marrying Paddy Byrne, or any other dirty aul lad
  • You’ve changed your tune then
  • Well, I still think Connie is making a fool of herself marrying that foreign schoolboy
  • He’s not a school boy. There you go exaggerating again. He’s nearly forty, Connie is only sixty eight.
  • Well when he’s sixty, she’ll be ninety
  • Oh God yeah, I didn’t think of that
  • No, I’m sure Spiros or whatever his name is didn’t either. He’s only thinking of the money
  • His name is Yanni, and maybe he doesn’t know she has money
  • Of course he does Bernie. These fellas are well up
  • She looks great for her age tho’ maybe she didn’t tell him how old she was
  • Well, with the amount of lifts she’s had, I’m surprised she doesn’t look like Joan bleedin’ Rivers
  • Joan Rivers is dead Jimmy
  • I know Bernie
  • Connie had a boob lift, and a few shots of Botox, that’s all
  • That’s all? For fuck sake Bernie do you think that’s normal?
  • I wouldn’t mind a bit of Botox meself
  • Are you out of your tree? You’re not pumping that rat poison into your face
  • It’s not rat poison. I know a few women that had it done. They look great
  • For how long though Bernie? It all has to drop eventually. That young fella Connie is hooked up with is in for a shock when she stops with the face injections
  • He’s getting older too you know
  • Well he’s hardly going to catch up with her is he? Anyway, as soon as he gets an Irish passport and his hands on her money, he’ll be off looking for fresh meat, younger meat
  • Ah that’s horrible thing to say. You don’t know, maybe he does love her
  • Ah Bernie, wise up will ye. Anyone can see he’s only after her for the money
  • You’re very cynical Jimmy
  • Look at the facts love…She’s the merry widow dripping with jewellery on a Mediterranean cruise…he’s a local fisherman from Paxos with not a bean to his name and still living with his ma
  • But she’s so happy, her eyes light up every time she talks about him
  • Ye, and I bet his eyes light up every time he thinks of her bank account
  • I’d just love her to be happy. She’s been alone for so long. It’s ten years since her Matt died. Loneliness is a terrible thing you know
  • …and that scut of a young fella is taking advantage of her loneliness
  • Aww  I hope not Jimmy
  •  It’s all going to end in tears, and they won’t be his
  • If only she’d met someone her own age
  • Like Paddy Byrne?
  • Fuck off, she wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole, the smelly git
  • He’d be too old for her anyway, he’s the same age as her
  • You’re bleedin’ terrible you are
  • …and he’s married
  • Poor Connie
  • Poor Mrs. Byrne
  • Maybe now that she’s home a few days Connie will come to her senses
  • What do you mean?
  • She’ll realise it was just a holiday romance
  • She’d want to come to her senses before he lands in Dublin airport
  • He’s been on the phone to her everyday since she got home
  • He’s afraid of losing the goose that’s laying the golden egg Bernie
  • I wonder if she’s paying for his flight
  • You’d better believe it
  • She’s floating on cloud nine Jimmy. I’ve never seen her so happy
  • How long will it last though?
  • We’ll have to keep an eye on him
  • I’ll bring him down the pub for a man to man chat
  • Yeah, let him know we won’t let him mess her about
  • Fair play to her though when you think of it
  • What do you mean Jimmy?
  • I never met a real life cougar.
  • She still has it hasn’t she, cousin Connie
  • Cousin Connie the Cougar wha’? There’s a country and western song in there Bernie
  • Those songs never end well Jimmy
  • Great lyrics though
  • Like Achy Breaky heart you mean?
  • No ‘There’s a guy works down the chip shop swears he’s Elvis’
  • Fuck off Jimmy or you’ll be singing  D.I.V.O.R.C.E
  • Ah you’ll always ‘Stand by your man‘ Bernie

Men !

Lappy come home

lappy

My laptop is banjaxed. All of my writing is lost. Gone forever. Don’t ask me what went wrong. I haven’t a bleedin’ clue. All I know is, I spent ages writing and now I can’t find anything. This is why I haven’t posted on my blog for the past week. Anyway to make a long story painful… Lappy has had to go in to get fixed so I’m back to good old pen and paper. Jimmy said I’m on it so much that it probably self destructed to give itself a rest.

‘Fuck off you  and watch the match will you’ says I

‘Don’t start taking it out on me’ says he ‘
‘Well just leave me alone then and let me get on with my writing says I.’

‘Oooh, excuse me’ says he. ‘…let me get on with my writing’ Who are you bleedin’ Joan Collins?’

‘Ask me hoop’ Jimmy says I

I swear he’s winding me up on purpose. He was starting to get on my nerves now. I wish he’d fuck off to the pub to watch the football so I could watch me soaps or a movie or something. I’ve a pain in me face listening to the constant commentating from the telly and worse still from him

– foul ref
– ah ye bleedin’ stockin’
– ah for Jasus sake, kick the bleedin’ ball
– Offside, offside, ah holy mother of divine, what the fuck…
– Ref, ref, where’s the bleedin’ ref?
– FOR FUCK SAKE…NO WAY, NO WAY…

I left him to it, shouting at the telly like a lunatic

I came out to the library for a bit of peace and quiet ( and to use their computer) but I have to go home sometime.

If you don’t hear from me soon. You’ll know I’m in the Joy serving time for murdering him. Wish me luck guys. I will be able to comment from my phone but that’s about it. I hope you’ll wait for me and continue to follow.
Come home soon lappy….please 🙂

A to Z April Challenge Reflections

reflections a2z 2015

I did it. My very first Dublin Housewife blogging challenge. Twenty six days of posting conversations…mostly with Jimmy. He didn’t know, but I told him last week after we had a few scoops by the pool. I’ve been away on me alcoholiers in Benidorm so sorry for not hooking up with fellow bloggers all week. I’m going to spend the weekend catching up with all I’ve missed, now that I’ve finished all the washing and ironing.

Sure what else would I be doing with the state of that weather. It’s bucketing down. It feels like another lifetime since I was lying by the pool sipping penis coladas.

I just want to say how much I’ve enjoyed this challenge and it has been great to meet fellow bloggers and read all of your posts. They were all so different. I hope you enjoyed mine. I was delighted with all the feed back. Jimmy was getting a bit pissed off with me at times tho’ before he knew what I was up to. ‘Are you ever off that bleedin’ laptop?’ says he. ‘Are you writing a book or wha?’

Now there’s an idea!   🙂

See yiz all later . xxxx Bernie

Zodiac

Z

  • Will I read your horoscope Jimmy?
  • For what?
  • So you’ll know what’s in store for you today
  • I already know what’s in store for me today
  • You think you do
  • I know I do. I’m going to go to work, come home, have me dinner, watch a bit of telly, go for a pint, come home again, go to bed and go to sleep. I don’t need some aul one in a magazine telling me any different
  • It’s not some aul one, it’s Mystic Maura
  • Mystic Maura? Is that the best she could come up with?
  • That’s her name. Maura Maher. She predicts the future
  • Predict my arse. I plan me own future
  • But there could be forces at work that will conspire to get in the way of what you’re planning
  • Have you been out with Geraldine again?
  • No;why?
  • Because you’re beginning to sound like her
  • Your future is in the stars Jimmy
  • Ask me swiss roll Bernie. Me future is being late for work if I sit here listening to anymore of this shite.
  • You wouldn’t think it was shite if it came true
  • Next thing you’ll want to ‘fix me aura’ or ‘align me chackras’ like Geraldine does everytime she calls over with Anto
  • Fuck off Jimmy. I only wanted to read your horoscope
  • Ah for jasus sake go on then, hurry up
  • It says here that your fortune is due a turnaround
  • What the fuck does that mean?
  • You could be about to come in to money
  • I’d better go to the bookies on the way to the pub then Ber
  • I thought you didn’t believe in hososcopes?
  • Who am I to mess with the stars Bernie?
  • It also says to take your time with any adjustments in your life
  • I won’t book the Bahamas as soon as I collect me winnings then. I’ll wait ‘til the weekend
  • …listen to your dreams, they will lead the way
  • I’m dreaming of a nice creamy pint right now Ber, does this mean I should go to the pub instead of going to work then?
  • Oh get out to work Jimmy, you’re getting on me nerves now
  • What does your horoscope say Bernie?
  • It says be wary of gobshites
  • Ah here Bernie, leave it out
  • No, you’re always slagging me
  • I am not. I just don’t believe all that mumbo jumbo
  • It’s only a bleedin’ horoscope
  • No one can predict your future Ber
  • It’s just a bit of fun. I like reading it
  • I don’t know why. You only believe it if it ‘s good news. When it’s bad you say it’s a pile of shite
  • I do not
  • You do so. Life isn’t like that Ber. You have to take the bad with the good
  • Well the bad news is you were right about being late for work
  • Ah for fuck sake, look at the time
  • The good news is, I’ll see you later
  • Is that a threat or a promise?
  • It’s whatever you want it to be
  • Ooh saucy, am I on a promise then Ber?
  • It’s written in the stars Jimmy
  • I’ll be home early then
  • I bet you will, ye dirtbird

Who knows what the future holds  🙂