Running away

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My friend Lynda has been saving her running away money since she got married thirty years ago. She’s fifty now and still hasn’t gone further than Galway for a weekend with the girls. She came over yesterday…

  • I’m running away Bernie
  • Again?
  • What do you mean?
  • Nothing. Where are you going?
  • I don’t know
  • What are you running from?
  • From him
  • What has he done now?
  • He’s just getting on my nerves
  • You can’t run away because someone’s getting on your nerves
  • I can and I will
  • Jasus you’re not eight years old Lyn
  • I wish I was eight years old Bernie. Back in my mas’ gaff, with not a care in the world
  • What cares do you have?
  • Him; sitting at home all day scratching his arse watching Jeremy Kyle
  • He can’t help losing his job
  • He could get another one…get him out of my hair
  • But he’s tried Lyn. You told me he applied for loads of jobs
  • He could try harder
  • Jobs aren’t that easy to get these days you know, especially for men of Dave’s age
  • He’s not that old Bernie
  • I never said he was old
  • You implied it
  • I did not
  • Dave is very fit for forty eight you know
  • I’m sure he is Lynda, but Dave is fifty two
  • Who told you he was fifty-two?
  • His ma did. He is my cousin remember
  • Oh yeah. Keep it quiet will you. Dave’s very sensitive about his age
  • He’s not the only one
  • What do you mean?
  • Sure you’ve been forty for the past ten years Lynda
  • I have not Bernie Rose Violet…it’s only been five
  • Yeah right
  • OK… eight
  • Whatever you say Lynda
  • Who are you today, the age police ?
  • You started it
  • I did not. When?
  • When you said Dave was very fit for forty eight
  • Well he is. He’d give young fellas half his age a run for their money
  • I’m sure he would Lyn
  • He would Bernie. Now can we stop talking about how old we are please
  • No problem. So when are you going?
  • Going where?
  • You said you were running away
  • Oh right. I don’t know yet
  • Where will you go?
  • Em, I don’t know yet
  • Let me know yeah
  • Right Bernie
  • Will you have another cuppa?
  • No, I’d better go. I’ve to make his dinner
  • Right so. Will I see you for Bingo later?
  • Yeah , Dave said he’ll give me a lift
  • What about Jeremy Kyle?
  • He doesn’t play Bingo
  • Very funny.
  • It will be over by then. He’ll drop me off  before Masterchef starts
  • That’s nice of him
  • Ah yeah, he doesn’t like me getting the bus. He’s very good like that
  • I thought he was getting on your nerves?
  • He is…he was…ah he’s alright I suppose. He’s not the worst
  • He’s lovely
  • Yeah he is lovely isn’t he?
  • See you later so
  • Right Bernie. I’d better run. I didn’t realise the time. Dave will be starving
  • Bye Lyn
  • Bye Bernie.

Jasus!!

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It must be love

hearts

There was a lovely film on the telly last night with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler… The ultimate rom com.

He wasn’t a bit amused

  • I’m not watching this shite Bernie
  • It’s not shite. It’s romantic Jimmy
  • Romantic my arse
  • It is. Look at them, they don’t realise they love each other
  • And we know they end up together at the end of the movie
  • I like knowing they’re going to end up together
  • But what’s the point of watching it if you know what’s going to happen in the end
  • I told you… it’s romantic
  • It’s a pile of shite Bernie
  • You have no feelings Jimmy
  • I’ve a feeling I’m going down the pub for a pint tonight
  • You go down the pub for a pint every night
  • So you know what happens then Bernie. You like knowing what happens
  • I know you’ll come home pissed as usual
  • I’ll do me best
  • Don’t wake me up when you get in
  • You’re such a romantic love
  • Romantic my arse Jimmy
  • But we love each other Bernie
  • Don’t forget your key Jimmy

Men!

Goodbye Venice Goodbye

Dolores idolised Joe Dolan. She was devastated when he passed away. She even went to his funeral.

It was the biggest funeral Mullingar had ever seen. All the celebs were there…Dickie Rock, Brendan Grace, Big Tom; even Daniel came with his sister. Me ma loves Margo. ‘She’s like Donegal’s answer to Patsy Cline, Bernie’ she said. ‘Whatever floats your boat ma’ I said.

I sometimes wonder if I’m adopted. Between me ma and Margo,Dolores and Joe, and me da jiving to Brendan Bowyer I just don’t know where I fit in. I’m more of a Spandau Ballet and George Michael girl meself.

Dolores and her pal Marie got a special coach to Mullingar with a load of other fans. Grown women sobbed in the streets, and after the mass, hundreds of them threw flowers at his passing hearse as they sang ‘Goodbye Venice Goodbye.’It was a sight to behold.

Not being a Joe fan, I thought it was all a bit mad but I said nothing because Dolores was crazy about him. She was in bits for months after. She sat in every night drinking wine and listening to all her Joe L.P’s. She wouldn’t even come out for a drink with the girls on children’s allowance night.  We left her to it for a while but when she stopped coming to bingo I knew we had to do something. Dolores never missed bingo. This was serious. Then Marie rang me.

  • I’m booking tickets for Joe Dolan
  • You’re a bit late Marie. He’s dead
  • I know Bernie. Sure wasn’t I at the funeral.
  • Well what are you on about so?
  • It’s a tribute act
  • Are you serious?
  • Yes; I am serious
  • She won’t go
  • She might
  • She won’t. I know she won’t
  • We need to get her out of that house Bernie
  • But Dolores says there’s no show like a Joe show Marie; and this isn’t a Joe show. It’s a someone who looks like a Joe show.
  • He sings like him too Bernie.
  • But it’s not him
  • We have to try something. Will you come with us?
  • When is it?
  • Saturday night, 8 o’clock in the club.
  • You book the tickets Marie. I’ll get her there.

So, I had to go down to Dolores gaff and tell her about the show.

  • I’m not going
  • Why not?
  • Its cheating Bernie
  • You weren’t married to him Dolores. How can it be cheating
  • It’s not Joe. It’s just some eejit pretending to be Joe
  • That’s the whole idea of tribute acts Dolores.
  • Well I’m still not going. I’d rather stay home and listen to the real thing.
  • You can’t sit at home for the rest of your life listening to records love. Joe would want you to be out enjoying yourself.
  • How do you know what Joe would want? You didn’t even like him
  • He was alright
  • He was a legend Bernie
  • If you say so Dolores
  • There will never be another Joe
  • There will never be another Dolores
  • What do you mean Bernie?
  • I miss you.
  • Aww Bernie
  • Come out with us on Saturday?
  • Alright Bernie. I’ll do it for Joe
  • Good woman
  • But you know there’s no show like a Joe show Bernie
  • We’ll see Dolores. We’ll see.

 

Watch this space!

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 Image by Eamonn O’Reilly.com

TRENDY

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‘Hot from the catwalks of Paris, we have this season’s latest trend’  ‘says Glenda on Exposé last night. ‘Denim is back’.

I never knew it was gone away to be honest with you.They talk some bullshit on these fashion programmes.

He was reading the newspaper, waiting for Emmerdale to come on.

– ‘Stop the lights Jimmy, You can keep wearing your wrangler jacket’.

– ‘I’d no intention of stopping’

–  ‘You’ve been wearing it so long I thought it was glued to you; but at least now you’ll be on trend as they say.

– ‘Why do they never say trendy anymore’?  ‘What’s all this ‘on trend’ crap’?

– ‘It’s not trendy to say trendy I suppose ‘

–  Anyway,who gives a shite whether it’s  on trend or trendy. I have that jacket since 1982’.

– ‘Is that all? It seems longer. I’m sure it was on trend when you bought it. Sure isn’t all fashion  cyclical?’

– ‘Cyclical?  ‘What’s that when it’s at home…Clothes for cyclists?’

– ‘Go back to your newspaper, you’re not even funny’.

– ‘…and there’s plenty more wear left in that jacket too’.

– ‘There’s holes in the sleeves’.

– ‘You’ve no appreciation for authenticity. My jacket is vintage; the real deal’.

– ’Vintage my arse; It’s just old’.

– ‘There’s no need to be crude.‘That jacket’s been with me longer than you have’.

– ‘Well I won’t have to worry about what to bury you in when you die will I’.

– ‘I’d be delighted to be buried in it. You’d only throw it in the bin when I’m gone’.

– ‘It doesn’t even matter if it doesn’t button up on you anymore. According to Glenda here that’s all the rage.’

– ‘Not buttoning up your jacket is all the rage? Since when?’

– ‘Since Spring/Summer collection; and you can push your sleeves up to your elbows again, like in Miami Vice. Remember you used to do that when I was only going out with you?’

– ‘I don’t remember that’.

–  ‘You did. You and Jacko Whelan. The two of you strutted around like Don Johnston and what’s his name? Oh yeah… Philip Michael Thomas. I always thought he was a fine thing’.

– ‘Who? Jacko Whelan? Sure he’d a head like a bag of spanners Bernie’.

– ‘No, Philip Michael Thomas, ye big eejit’.

–  ‘Philip Michael Thomas? Was he not in the Walton’s?

–  ‘No, that’s Richard Thomas’ he played John Boy…and you wore shoes with no socks.’

– ‘When Did I wear shoes with no socks?’

– ‘When you hung around with Jacko Whelan back in the eighties. For feck sake Jimmy, are you even listening to me? Remember my da saying to you ‘Did you forget to put your socks on son?’ You were scarlet’.

– ‘Jasus Bernie, you’ve a great memory, and by the way my jacket buttons up perfectly well.’

– ‘Well why do you never button it up then’?

–  ‘Because it’s trendy not to’

– ‘You’re only saying that because it’s on Exposé’

– ‘No I’m not. I’ve always been trendy’

– ‘Nothing to do with your beer belly then?’

– ‘I haven’t got a beer belly’

– ‘I can see you sucking it in. It’s not working Jimmy. You know,Jacko Whelan hasn’t got a beer belly’.

– ‘What’s  this ? The Jacko Whelan appreciation society?

– ‘ What are you on about’?

– ‘You haven’t shut up about him all night’.

– ‘I was only saying he has no beer belly’.

– ‘Bully for Jacko’.

– ‘What? Are you jealous of Jacko Whelan?

– ‘I am in my arse’

– ‘You are so’

– ‘Why would I be jealous of him, the baldy yoke’?

– ‘Well stop sucking your belly in when you talk about him then’.

– ‘I’m not talking about him. You are’.

– ‘I still think you’re jealous’.

– ‘Jealous me hole. I can lose this belly anytime I like, but Jacko Whelan will always be a baldy git’.

 

Men…they  can be so sensitive!

Diary of a Dublin housewife begins

bad days

I’m facing all my writing fears

Running out of new ideas

I see where I’m going wrong

I’ve been doing it for too long

Writing everything in rhyme

I know I do it all the time

It’s time to take another road

Forget my poetry, my odes

Time to write about my life

The diary of a Dublin wife

My ups, my downs, my ins, my outs

My thoughts, my dreams, my fears my doubts

The things that make me laugh and cry

That brings me both despair and joy

I do hope my blog won’t bore

I hope you will come back for more.