Heatwave

Jimmy isn’t coping too well with the heat these days, actually, he’s a narky bolix to be honest…and the girls aren’t helping with their clothing…or lack of

  • Can you give me a lift to work da, I’m running late
  • Well you’d better hurry up and get dressed then, I’m picking Mick up in ten minutes
  • I am dressed
  • I thought you said you were going to work?
  • I am
  • Dressed like that?
  • Like what?
  • Like you’re off to a beach party
  • Its 22degrees ouside da and it’s not even eight o’clock yet. What do you want me to wear?
  • Your work clothes if you’re going to work
  • The boss said we can dress casual during the Heatwave
  • So where do you work now? Love Island?
  • Stop being so dramatic da
  • I’m not being dramatic, I just don’t think that’s appropriate clothing for work in an insurance office
  • You’re jealous,just because you have to wear your overalls
  • Well I’d hardly being going on site in a mankini now would I ?
  • Jesus da, why did you put that image into me head?
  •  Could you not put a cardigan on at least?
  • A cardigan? Who do you think I am…your ma?
  • Don’t be so cheeky, you’ll be thrown out of that job you will
  • …and why would they throw me out?
  • If you carry on going in half naked, they will
  • I’m not half naked da, I’m wearing a skirt and a top
  • That’s not a skirt Koko…it’s a bleedin’ belt
  • Stop carrying on like an aul one da . D’ye know what, forget the lift, I’ll get the bus
  • You will not; get into the van now. You’re not walking to the bus stop like that
  • Are you serious da?
  • Yes I am, and here put my jacket across your knee. You’ll give Mick a heart attack this hour of the morning
  • I’m sure Mick has seen a pair of legs da
  • It’s not your legs I’m worried about him seeing
  • Jesus da, you’re getting worse.  Ma, talk to him will you!

I’m keeping out of it

 

polka skirt

 

 

 

Advertisements

Clairvoyanto

Me pal Lynn persuaded me to go see a medium who was doing open readings in a pub. We got free tickets so I went along for the craic. Ma was dying to know all about it

  • I’m surprised you went to see a medium Bernie
  • Lynn asked me to go with her
  • So, how did it go?
  • It was a pile of shite to be honest ma
  • You’re just a skeptic Bernie, always were; always will
  • Lynn was hoping her da would get in touch
  • And did he?
  • No, of course he didn’t. It’s all a con
  • Well why did you go then?
  • Free tickets and a few pints, how could I refuse?
  • Fair enough, so  did anyone come to you from the other side then
  • Sure who’d come to me?
  • Your da maybe
  • We were in the Abberly Court ma. Da wouldn’t go there when he was alive, he’s hardly going to go when he’s dead now is he?
  • Fair enough, but what about your pal Sandra?
  • Not a sign of her ma
  • Aww, that’s a pity. You and her were so close Bernie
  • I still miss her
  • So maybe you were hoping she’d come through Bernie
  • I’d have been shocked if Sandra had come
  • Why?
  • I told you it was in the  Abberly  ma
  • So?
  • So…Sandra always said she wouldn’t be caught dead in that kip
  • I went to see a medium after your daddy died
  • Did you ma
  •  She told me he had difficulty breathing towards the end
  • Jaysis ma, what did you say to her?
  • ‘Obviously love’, says I to her…’he was fuckin’ dying. Everyone has difficulty breathing when they’re dying’
  • I bet she didn’t like that ma
  • No she didn’t
  • That one last night told  some poor woman her husband was very happy now since he passed, and the woman wasn’t a bit pleased
  • Why not?
  • ‘And why wouldn’ Anto be happy? fecking off leaving me with a load of bills and no mortgage protection’ she said ‘and tell him from me he’s a fucking bastard’
  • And did the husband answer her?
  • I dunno ma, I finished me drink and went to the pub next door to wait for Lynn who was still waiting to hear from her da
  • Why did you leave?
  • Because, I agree with me da and Sandra, the place is a kip, and I had a few visions of me own so I thought it best to leave early
  • What visions Bernie?
  • Visions of giving that so called medium a slap in the head ma…

fortune-teller-illustration-vector

Off her trolley

 

 

a&EMaisie is in hospital after having a bit of a fall. She’ll be OK but the doctors are keeping an eye on her for a few days because she banged her head. She gets regular visits from the doctor and his team to ask her a series of questions to make sure the knock to her head didn’t affect her memory. We were in A&E for over twenty four hours waiting for a bed.

  • Good morning Margaret and how are you?
  • You can call me Maisie, only my poor mother called me Margaret, lord rest her
  • So how are we feeling this morning?
  • Well, I’m grand, considering I never got a wink of sleep, there’s nothing but winos and junkies causing commotion all night and there’s hardly any staff on duty…and how are you?
  • Fine…fine…I’m fine. So, I have the results of your X ray and everything seems fine
  • So, can I go home ?
  • No, I’m sorry, we’ll be holding on to you for a few days Marg…em Maisie
  • Oh so you have a bed for me then?
  • Not yet, soon
  • You said that last night son, and I’ll tell you this for nothing, I’m not spending another night on this bloody trolley on a corridor for every passerby to gawp at
  • I’m sorry, but we’re very busy and…
  • Would you allow your mother spend a night in this place?
  • Well, I wouldn’t like to, no
  • Well there you go. If it’s not good enough for your mother, why should it  be good enough for me?
  • Emmm, I just wanted to ask you a few questions if that’s ok
  • More questions?
  • It won’t take long
  • You asked me loads of questions when I got here, and your friend asked me the same ones again at ten o’clock last night. Do you not tell each other anything in this place?
  • I need to ask again I’m sorry. We need to make sure…
  • …that I haven’t lost me marbles…yeah yeah
  • No, it’s not that, it’s…
  • Oh just ask me for Gods sake
  • Do you know what day it is today?
  • Well, I was brought in on Monday, I’m still on a trolley in A&E waiting for a bed, so it must be….Friday?
  • It’s Tuesday
  • Is that all? It feels longer, these bloody trolleys would kill your back
  • Can you tell me what year it is?
  • Well it feels like 1974 and I’m in an episode of M.A.S.H but rumour has it it’s 2018
  • Do you know who the President is?
  • Why? Is he looking for a bed?
  • No no no, I just need to know if you can tell me his name
  • Just as well, he’d be a long time waiting
  • His name?
  • Oh is it not Mary McAleese anymore?
  • No, I’m afraid not
  • Mary Robinson?
  • he was before Mary McAleese
  • Very good doctor, and who was before her?
  • I’m meant to be asking you the questions
  • Aww do you not know the answer..it’s Patrick Hillery
  • ….
  • What are you looking at me like that for?Patrick Hillery was so the president before Mary Robinson, and O’Dálaigh was before him
  • But who is the president now?
  • Michael D is of course…well he was before I checked in to this place. They could have had another election the length of time I’m lying here waiting for a bed
  • Yes, it is still Michael D
  • Lovely man, and his wife is lovely too; what’s her name again? Sabrina, isn’t it?
  • Sabina
  • That’s it, Sabina; She must’ve dropped the ‘R’. Sabrina isn’t very presidents wife is it?
  • Can you remember what year you were born?
  • I can
  • Can you tell me?
  • No
  • So you can’t remember?
  • Yes I can but I’m not telling you
  • But…
  • I told you yesterday, and I told your colleague last night…a ladies age is her own business and nothing to do with you so don’t ask me again, now feck off with your questions
  • I’ve just a few more….
  • I’ve a question for you doctor
  • Yes?
  • When am I getting a bed?
  • I don’t actually know yet Marg…Maisie
  • Well, I’ll tell you what; When you have the answer to that one, come back to me
  • I’ll see what I can do
  • Bye now
  • I’ll come back later
  • Well, only if  it’s to tell me you either have a bed for me or I can go home
  • But…
  • But nothing, and tell that nurse to bring me a cup of tea. I’m bloody parching

 

I’m surprised they gave her a bed at all  :p