Dead or Alive

dead-or-alive-you-spin-me-round

  • See that chap died
  • What chap?
  • Used to wear an eye patch in the eighties
  • Mr. Doran from the flats?
  • No, he was a singer
  • Dr. Hook?
  • No
  • Captain Sensible
  • Who ?
  • Oh forget it…em Bryan Ferry
  • No
  • Fuck sake Jimmy, what did he look like?
  • I told you, he wore an eye patch
  • David Bowie wore an eye patch one time but he’s already dead
  • I think he became a woman
  • Who David Bowie
  • No, the chap with the eye patch…oh wait, I just remembered. Pete Burns
  • Ah no way…Dead or Alive
  • Dead I told you Bernie, jaysis keep up will ye
  • No Jimmy, I mean he was in the band ‘Dead or Alive’
  • Oh right yeah
  • You spin me right round baby right round…
  • …like a record baby, right round round round
  • Aww I loved that song
  • Was that the only song he had?
  • Must be. I don’t remember another one. Last time I saw him was in Celebrity Big Brother
  • That pile of shite?
  • He ruined himself with all that plastic surgery. He was a fine thing back in the day, especially with the eye patch
  • It’s a mugs game that plastic surgery lark
  • He said if he ever died and went to Heaven, God wouldn’t recognise him
  • I’d say he didn’t  recognise himself when he looked in the mirror Ber
  • God love him all the same. You know he was supposed to be on Loose Women this morning
  • I’m sure he’ll be spinning right round that he missed that one Bernie
  • Don’t be mean Jimmy

 

R.I.P. Pete

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Loose woman

housework

 

  • Are you sitting there all day?
  • I just sat down to have a coffee is that alright?
  • You were sitting there when I left this morning
  • Because I was only after making your breakfast and hanging out the washing and I fancied a cup of tea and a slice of toast for me own breakfast while I watched Lorraine
  • You’ve a great life all the same, cups of tea and coffee and breaks whenever you like
  • I’m only after sitting down I told you
  • I believe ye, thousands wouldn’t
  • Believe what you like, now excuse me, til I catch the end of Loose Women
  • I wish I had time to watch Loose Women
  • You can’t stand Loose Women?
  • I know but it beats working your arse off on a bulding site
  • You’re not the only one who works you know. I’m on the go all morning
  • But you’re at home all day. You’re your own boss Bernie
  • Am I really? Oh by the way, we had visitors earlier
  • Visitors?
  • Yeah,Kim and Aggie called at nine this morning, they hoovered the hall stairs and landing while they were here
  • What?
  • Yeah, then they cleaned out the  bathroom and the ensuite, mopped the floors, cleaned the windows, changed the duvets, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, then put on three loads of washing. I told them not to get in Alans way while they were hanging it out on the line
  • Alan?
  • Titchmarsh…he was out doing a bit of weeding before planting the spring bulbs.
  • Is that right
  • yeah.Two hours he was out there. Jamie came in just as he was leaving
  • Jamie who?
  • Jamie Oliver. He made a lovely sheperds pie for your dinner…from scratch.
  • Very nice, and did he make any dessert?
  • He was going to make an apple crumble and custard but I told him not to bother
  • Why?
  • BECAUSE HE WAS BLEEDIN’ KNACKERED AND WANTED TO SIT DOWN FOR TWENTY MINUTES WITH A COFFEE AND WATCH LOOSE WOMEN
  • Calm down Bernie. Sure can’t we open a tin of fruit and have it with some ice cream instead.
  • Get out of me way Jimmy before I lose me mind. I’m missing me programme, and you’re getting on me last nerve.
  • You just can’t get the staff these days Ber

 

Men!!

Silence of the lambs (Budget 2017)

sheep

  • What’s happening in the budget Bernie?
  • You mean how much of a rise are you getting in your pension ma?
  • Well yeah
  • A fiver ma
  • Five euro. They broke their heart didn’t they?
  • Miserable shites. Sure what good is a fiver to anyone?
  •  Big splash out for Christmas what Bernie?
  • I don’t think so ma. You won’t be getting it until March
  • March? Next March? Sure I could be dead by then
  • You and the rest of them. D’ye know they say one elderly person dies of the cold every seven minutes in the U.K. in January ma
  • Just as well I don’t live in the U.K. then Bernadette isn’t it.
  • They do seem to get colder winters than us alright ma
  • That extra fiver could have gone on me gas bill, or a few bales of briquettes
  • I can’t believe they expect people to wait until March, but sure it’ll still be cold in March
  • Sure I mightn’t be here next week Bernadette, never mind next March
  • You say that every year ma
  • Well it’s true. I’m not getting any younger you know
  • None of us are ma…Here look.  Didn’t the feckers only give themselves a rise of five grand yesterday
  • Are ye serious?  How sneaky is that, doing it before the budget.They certainly look after themselves don’t they?
  • …and you may be sure they won’t have to wait until next year
  • As me own poor mother used to say lord rest her ‘Live horse and you’ll eat grass’
  • Or even  sheep ma
  • What d’ye mean sheep?
  • They’re giving 25million euro to animal welfare for sheep
  • They kept that one quiet didn’t they?
  • The politicians or the sheep?
  • The politicians ye big eejit. But what the hell are the sheep going to do with 25million euro, can you tell me?
  • I dunno, spend it on new woolly coats for the winter maybe?
  • ..and what about the cows ? How much are they getting?
  • Cows don’t wear woolly coats ma
  • Very funny Bernadette, but I’d say the sheep are only delighted
  • Wouldn’t ewe be ma…wouldn’t ewe?
  • I see what ewe did there Bernadette
  • Ah ma you’re gas…so tell us…any plans for your fiver?
  • I’m thinking of buying meself a little lamb, what d’ye think
  • Get two ma, they’re small
  • That’s not a baaaaaad idea Bernadette.

 

And yiz think I’m bad!!

#Itsnotok

trumpa-lumpa

 

  • What d’ye think of that gobshite Trump?
  • Don’t get me started on that Oompa Loompa sleaze bag Jimmy
  • Ye don’t like him then?
  • Like him? I’d like to box the head off him, the dirty fecker
  • ‘Locker room banter’ says he
  • I don’t care where he was…in a bar, in the office, at the bleedin’ bus stop…it’s not OK to treat women like that
  • Giving all of us men a bad name he is
  • Thank God all men aren’t like him.
  • He thinks he can do as he likes because of who he is…malignant little fucker
  • Imagine groping a woman just because you feel like it.
  • Not nice Bernie. Not nice.
  • I’d like to see him try grope me, he wouldn’t know what hit him
  • Jaysis Bernie, I wouldn’t fancy his chances
  • He’d have a fair chance of having his mickey in a splint Jimmy
  • Ouch Bernie
  • …and that’s only for starters. The state of him, the manky git
  • I think Hillary could do with you on her team
  • I’m not saying I’m all for Hillary either but jaysis, she’s better than that dirt bag
  • He thinks he’s invincible Bernie. Is there anyone he won’t target to get to the top? Immigrants? Jews? Mexicans?Muslims? Gays?
  • How the hell did he get to be a presidential candidate?
  • Fucked if I know or understand Americans Ber
  • His supporters love him, they don’t care what he says or does
  • He’s making eejits out of them all.
  • Brainwashed  by a perverted oompa loompa with a bad hair do
  • God help America
  • God help us all…

Breaking Brad

brad

Waiting for a lift home from the Bingo…Sure you may as well be waiting for Brad Pitt…

 

  • Heya Bernie, are you waiting for Jimmy to pick you up?
  • No, Brad Pitt Breda
  • Aren’t we all Bern? aren’t we all?
  • He tried to pick me up once you know
  • In your dreams Bernie
  • He wasn’t always only in me dreams
  • Yeah right
  • 1996 it was
  • Seriously ? Where?
  • In The Black Lion in Inchicore
  • What was Brad Pitt doing in Inchicore Ber?
  • He was making that movie ‘The Devils Own’
  • Wasn’t he with Gwyneth Paltrow back then?
  • Jealous wagon
  • Really? Why?
  • ‘Cos he told me I was beautiful
  • Brad Pitt said you were beautiful?
  • ..and why are you looking so surprised?
  • .Brad Pitt like Ber…
  • ‘Hello beautiful’ he said
  • No way…and what did you say?
  • ‘Hello yourself’ I said
  • Is that it? I thought you said he tried to pick you up?
  • Well he would’ve only the Gwyneth one came over ‘Your pint is here Brad’ says she and dragged him off into a corner
  • You’re right Ber…jealous wagon.
  • I know. He kept looking over and smiling at me. ‘He fancies you’ said Julie to me
  • Jaysis Bernie. Imagine, Brad Pitt fancying ye
  • She was disgusted
  • Who Julie?
  • No Gwyneth. If looks could kill, I’d be brown bread
  • I’d say she was Bernie. Wouldn’t you be?
  • You’d want to see the dirty looks she gave me when I smiled back. Very possessive she was, kept rubbing his face and running her fingers through his hair
  • It’s more than his face I’d be rubbing Bernie
  • You’re such a durtburd Breda, but I know what you mean
  • So, what happened then?
  • He winked at me when she was whispering in his ear. Jaysis, me belly was doing the tango
  • Did she see him winking at you?
  • She must have. they were sitting right across from us.Me and Julie were sitting at the bar having a ham sambo and a bowl of soup.
  • Was that it?
  • Ah no we had a pint as well
  • I mean, is that all that happened with Brad?
  • No, he came over when they were leaving.  He looked at my wedding ring when I lifted my spoon to drink my soup and he said ‘Why are all the beautiful girls taken?’
  • Oh scarlet for ye Bernie, and what did you say?
  • Well I wanted to say ‘give us your number love and I’ll call ye when me divorce comes through, but Gwynnie gave me the evils again and pushed him through the door. I never saw him again…well except in the movies
  • Imagine you and Brad Bernie
  • His loss Breda. But Brads not the type to break up someone else’s marriage
  • No, just his own Bernie. Poor Jennifer
  • Yeah, I like Jen
  • Would you have been #BerBrad  #BradBer  or #Bradnie?
  • It would have to be #BradBer. Bradnie sounds like an arthiritic knee Breda, and BerBrad sounds like he’s in his nip.
  • Oooh lovely
  • Bare Brad yeah I could handle that
  • Did you tell Jimmy?
  • He thought it was hilarious
  • What, that Brad Pitt fancied you?
  • That I fancied Brad. Jimmy thinks Brad is a wanker
  • Touch of the green eye there Ber
  • In fairness he thinks Pierce Brosnan is a wanker as well, and I don’t even like Pierce Brosnan
  • I think Pierce is a ride meself
  • I thought so too until I saw him in Mama Mia. Jaysis, what was he thinking?
  • Yeah, he was shite in that alright
  • Shocking altogether. At least Brad never made a show of himself in a movie
  • What about ‘Snatch’ Bernie? That accent…jaysis
  • Oh yeah, forgot about that one…Hilarious
  • Is that your phone ringing ?
  • Yeah, hang on. Jaysis, there’s so much shite in this handbag I can’t find it
  • Hurry up will ye. It might be Brad.
  • I am hurrying, jaysis, hold on to your knickers will ye, ah feck it’s stopped ringing now. I hope he rings me back because I’ve no credit
  • Was it Jimmy?
  • Colin Farrell. I told him I’m married but he still keeps ringing me
  • Does Jimmy like Colin Farrell?
  • No, he thinks he’s a little bolix. Ah look it’s ringing again, hold on…’howya Brad, where are ye? Any sign of Angelina?… No way, ah she’s probably stuck for a babysitter…right so, see ye in a bit. Love you too hun. Bye, byebyebyebye
  • Jimmy?
  • Yeah, he’s waiting around the corner, couldn’t get parking
  • I couldn’t see Brad picking you up from Bingo could you Ber?
  • He’d be good with the kids but Breda
  • That’s not what Angelina says
  • Don’t mind her, she should have stuck with Billy Bob
  • #JimBer or #Berjim Bernie?
  • #BerJim of course
  • Pass the sick bucket Bernie

Eat your heart out Brangelina