The Epiphany

 

xmas decos

  • Oh hello Bernie
  • Howya Mrs. Flynn.Come on in, I just have the kettle boiled
  • I was just checking that there was nothing wrong
  • Everything is grand. Why do you ask?
  • Well I  haven’t seen you around for a while  and then today I was just passing and noticed you still have your Christmas tree up
  •  Yeah, it’s lovely isn’t it?
  • It’s the middle of January Bernie
  • And?
  • And what?
  • Your tree should be down
  • Who said?
  • Christmas is over, no one needs to say it
  • Well why did you have yours up in November then?
  • I like to have mine up early
  • Well maybe I like to have mine up late
  • It’s not Christmas anymore  Bernie
  • November is not Christmas either Mrs. Flynn
  • Before Christmas is different
  • How?
  • Because, it’s nice to get in the mood early
  • Well maybe I’m still in the mood
  • In January?
  • Yeah, in January
  • It’s bad luck to leave your decorations up after January 6th
  • Who said
  • Everyone knows you should take your decorations down the day after twelfth night
  • That’s only an old wives tale
  • It’s not. It’s tradition to take it down on the epiphany
  • So is it not bad luck to put your decorations up the day after Hallowe’en then?
  • I don’t think so?
  • That’s more than twelve nights. Why should you get more nights than me. I only put mine up the week before Christmas
  • It’s nothing to do with the amount of nights
  • Well what are you on about then?
  • I just think it’s ridiculous still having your tree still up on the 14th of January
  • Well I think it’s ridiculous to have your tree up on the 1st of November
  • So how long do you intend leaving it up then?
  • I’ve just had an epiphany of my own Mrs. Flynn
  • What’s that?
  • I think I’ll leave it up until next year. It would save me a lot of hassle wouldn’t it?
  • Are you serious?
  • Yeah totally. Excuse me for a minute will you Mrs.Flynn, I just need to tell himself…JIMMY, PUT THEM BOXES BACK IN THE ATTIC, I’M LEAVING THE DECORATIONS UP ‘TIL NEXT CHRISTMAS
  • That’s just madness Bernie
  • So I’m a bit mad, what else is new? D’ye want a mince pie with that tea Mrs. Flynn? They’re only out of the oven.
  • Really?
  • No, I’m only buzzin’ with you, I bought them in Aldi.

 

( I told Jimmy to take down that fucking tree before we went to Lanzarote)

 

 

 

 

 

Fatty New Year

 

fat-ass

  • Oh hello Bernadette, come in,
  • Hiya Geraldine, Jimmy said you were looking for me
  • Yes, I thought it would be nice to spend more time together. We’ve been sister in laws for a long time and we hardly ever see each other
  • Oh yeah right, and what brought this on then?
  • Well I reckon its time for making some resolutions
  • Oh so I’m one of your resolutions am I?
  • Well sort of
  • So what’s on your list then?
  • I’ve only three things so far 1. Start a diet. 2. Exercise more. 3. Give up drink.
  • For fuck sake Ger. Will you leave it out
  • What?
  •  1. There’s not a pick on you. 2. You already do yoga, Pilates, spin class and speed walking every other day. 3. You don’t even drink
  • Thanks for the encouragement Bernie. I was going to ask you to join me
  • Join you in what?
  • My New Years list
  • Thanks a bunch Ger. With in laws like you who needs a slap from someone else
  • What?
  • You telling me I need to lose weight, exercise more and give up the drink
  • Well you were complaining over Christmas  about your clothes being too tight. So if you go on a diet and walk with me everyday and stop going to the pub so often, you’ll lose loads.
  • Me go to the pub so often? Maybe you should be talking to your husband, not me
  • I’m only trying to help Bernadette
  • This list of yours
  • Yeah, what about it?
  • It sounds like a list for me…are you writing that list for me?
  • No
  • Are you saying I’m fat?
  • Not fat exactly, but…
  • Are you saying I’m not fit?
  • Well…
  • Are you saying I drink too much?
  • Well…
  • What am I? your New Years project?
  • I was only trying to help
  • If I needed help,  which I dont! You’re the last person I’d be calling, the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • I just thought we could do stuff together
  • You’re already doing everything on that list, so why write it down and show it to me? I’m not an eejit Geraldine
  • Ah just forget the list Bernie
  • No I won’t forget it … STRING BEAN GERALDINE
  • I beg your pardon?
  • That’s what everyone calls you
  • That’s not very nice
  • Hurts doesn’t it Ger? What am I ? BIG ARSE BERNIE?
  • I never said that?
  • You may as well have Geraldine, now if you’ll excuse me, I told Jimmy I’d meet him for lunch…IN THE PUB, if you don’t mind. I was going to ask you if yourself and Anto wanted to join us.
  • We’d love to have lunch with you and Jimmy, come on  I’ll drive, I’ll just go call Anthony
  • Forget it Geraldine, I’ll walk…burn a few  inches off my fat arse before I stuff my face and skull a feed of pints
  • I never said you’d a fat arse
  • You’ve said enough Geraldine. I’m not one of your lost causes
  • I’m sorry Bernadette
  • You’d better add number four to your list while you’re at it
  • What’s that?
  • Find some other gobshite to spin with
  • But Bernadette…
  • But nothing. Goodbye,and mind you don’t fall down any drains while you’re out running.

The nerve of her, skinny bitch!!

 

 

Shopaholic

silhouette-of-a-woman-shopping_1253824

  • Have you been shopping again Ber?
  • I might have
  • What’s in the bags?
  • Mind your nose
  • Why?
  • Just do Jimmy
  • Jaysis I’m only askin’
  • Well don’t
  • You’re a bleedin’ shopaholic Bernie
  • It’s the sales Jimmy. Everyone goes into the sales
  • Last week it was ‘It’s Christmas Jimmy, everyone shops at Christmas’
  • You weren’t complaining when you opened all your presents were you?
  • Did you leave anything in the shops?
  • The memory of me with my credit card
  • You spent that much?
  • You better believe it Jimmy
  • So what did you buy?
  • It’s a surprise
  • I told you not to buy me anything Ber
  • I didn’t…that’s the surprise
  • Very funny
  • I’m bringing this lot upstairs out of the way
  • Is that you finished with the sales then Ber?
  • Are you kiddin’ me Jimmy?
  • What?
  • I’ve barely started
  • Did we win the Lotto and you forgot to tell me Bernie?
  • If I won the Lotto, you’d be the first to know Jimmy
  • Really?
  • Yeah. I’d send you a postcard from the Bahamas

There is a crack in everything…That’s how the light gets in

sun-shining-through-the-clouds-2

  • What’s up with you today Bernie?
  • I’m just sad Jimmy
  • Everyone is sad today Ber
  • I just can’t believe it
  • Neither can I. It’s shocking
  • Shocking
  • What were they thinking?
  • Who?
  • The Americans
  • What’s it got to do with them?
  • They elected him
  • What? Who?
  • Trump
  • Would you ever fuck off Jimmy
  • What did I say now?
  • You think I give a shite about that orange sap today
  • I thought that’s why you were so sad
  • Why would I be sad about that gobshite?
  • It’s just so unbelievable. God help us all
  • They elected him, he’s President. End of story, nothing much we can do about it Jimmy
  • What’s up with you so?
  • Leonard Cohen died Jimmy
  • Ah fuck that Bernie, no way. Jaysis is there anyone decent left alive?
  • Puts things into perspective doesn’t it Jimmy?
  • Sure does Ber
  • …it’s time that we began
    to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again

Kimberly Mikado and Coconut Creams

kimberly.jpg

  • Put the kettle on Ber will ye
  • What’s up Lynn? You look worn out
  • I am worn out Bernie. I’ve been helping to look after Daves Ma since she got out of hospital
  • Ah how is she? I heard she had a bad fall
  • Who told you that?
  • Her friend May. I met her in Aldi last week. Said Vera broke her hip when she fell off a chair when she was cleaning the windows. ‘Wouldn’t ye think those lads of hers would clean her windows for her’ she said to me.
  • That fuckin’ aul one, I swear I’ll bleedin’ swing for her one of these days Bernie
  • Who May? Ah she’s a lovely aul skin
  • No, Daves ma. Broken hip my arse.
  • Ah but Lynn, she’s nearly eighty. She shouldn’t be climbing on chairs at her age, especially to clean windows
  • She never cleans her windows. Dave does them for her every Saturday. Her windows are bleedin’ cleaner than mine…and the only reason she was on a chair was to get her kimberly biscuits that she hides at the back of the cupboard with the mikado and coconut creams so no one else can eat them on her
  • ‘Someone you love would love some mum’..remember the ad Lynn?
  • She won’t eat anything else, she  only loves herself. Everyone else has to make do with custard creams. Just as well I’m fond of a custard cream Bernie
  • A broken hip but Lynn, that’s bad
  • Broken hip me arse Bernie. She has a few bruised ribs. She wouldn’t even have been in the hospital only Dave happened to call in when she was getting down off the chair with the biscuits under her arm. The shock of being caught made her trip over. She made such a palaver, he rang an ambulance for her. They only kept her in overnight because she was moaning so much about the pain. It didn’t stop her eating her biscuits though and sending for cups of tea every half hour. Dave had to sit with her in A and E for twelve hours .
  • So if she’s not that bad, why are you all looking after her then?
  • Because she’s a bleedin’ drama queen and loving all the attention. She’s insisting on someone staying with her every night in case she ‘falls’ again and she has us run ragged doing her housework and shopping for her. I told Dave she’s putting it on but he won’t hear a bad word said about her.
  • Well let him look after her then, she’s his mother, not yours
  • Well he has to work and so does Terry and John and their wives won’t go near the aul battleaxe.
  • What about his sisters?
  • Mary lives in Mayo. She keeps saying she’ll be up, but there’s no sign of her yet. Sandra lives in Monkstown and said there’s no way she can stay over and leave her kids at night. They’re  eighteen and twenty one for fuck sake, older than my Leanne and Spohie.
  • Shows how much they think of their mother then Lynn if they won’t come up and take care of her.
  • They know what she’s like Bernie. There’s nothing bleedin’ wrong with her. Sandra told me herself, her mas a hypochondriac and a guilt tripper
  • That’s a shocking thing to say about your ma
  • Well not if Vera was your ma. Sandra is right. She just loves people running around after her
  • So who’s with her now then?
  • I’m supposed to be but I told her I was nipping out to the shop to buy a packet of biscuits for the tea. I left her stretched out like mother of sorrows watching Loose Women
  • Loose women finished half an hour ago Lynn
  • I know. I went home to make me beds before I came here
  • Where’s the biscuits then?
  • In me bag
  • kimberly?
  • No
  • Mikado?
  • No
  • Coconut creams?
  • No. Custard creams
  • But I thought…
  • She hates custard creams
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • Thanks Ber.

 

Dead or Alive

dead-or-alive-you-spin-me-round

  • See that chap died
  • What chap?
  • Used to wear an eye patch in the eighties
  • Mr. Doran from the flats?
  • No, he was a singer
  • Dr. Hook?
  • No
  • Captain Sensible
  • Who ?
  • Oh forget it…em Bryan Ferry
  • No
  • Fuck sake Jimmy, what did he look like?
  • I told you, he wore an eye patch
  • David Bowie wore an eye patch one time but he’s already dead
  • I think he became a woman
  • Who David Bowie
  • No, the chap with the eye patch…oh wait, I just remembered. Pete Burns
  • Ah no way…Dead or Alive
  • Dead I told you Bernie, jaysis keep up will ye
  • No Jimmy, I mean he was in the band ‘Dead or Alive’
  • Oh right yeah
  • You spin me right round baby right round…
  • …like a record baby, right round round round
  • Aww I loved that song
  • Was that the only song he had?
  • Must be. I don’t remember another one. Last time I saw him was in Celebrity Big Brother
  • That pile of shite?
  • He ruined himself with all that plastic surgery. He was a fine thing back in the day, especially with the eye patch
  • It’s a mugs game that plastic surgery lark
  • He said if he ever died and went to Heaven, God wouldn’t recognise him
  • I’d say he didn’t  recognise himself when he looked in the mirror Ber
  • God love him all the same. You know he was supposed to be on Loose Women this morning
  • I’m sure he’ll be spinning right round that he missed that one Bernie
  • Don’t be mean Jimmy

 

R.I.P. Pete

Loose woman

housework

 

  • Are you sitting there all day?
  • I just sat down to have a coffee is that alright?
  • You were sitting there when I left this morning
  • Because I was only after making your breakfast and hanging out the washing and I fancied a cup of tea and a slice of toast for me own breakfast while I watched Lorraine
  • You’ve a great life all the same, cups of tea and coffee and breaks whenever you like
  • I’m only after sitting down I told you
  • I believe ye, thousands wouldn’t
  • Believe what you like, now excuse me, til I catch the end of Loose Women
  • I wish I had time to watch Loose Women
  • You can’t stand Loose Women?
  • I know but it beats working your arse off on a bulding site
  • You’re not the only one who works you know. I’m on the go all morning
  • But you’re at home all day. You’re your own boss Bernie
  • Am I really? Oh by the way, we had visitors earlier
  • Visitors?
  • Yeah,Kim and Aggie called at nine this morning, they hoovered the hall stairs and landing while they were here
  • What?
  • Yeah, then they cleaned out the  bathroom and the ensuite, mopped the floors, cleaned the windows, changed the duvets, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, then put on three loads of washing. I told them not to get in Alans way while they were hanging it out on the line
  • Alan?
  • Titchmarsh…he was out doing a bit of weeding before planting the spring bulbs.
  • Is that right
  • yeah.Two hours he was out there. Jamie came in just as he was leaving
  • Jamie who?
  • Jamie Oliver. He made a lovely sheperds pie for your dinner…from scratch.
  • Very nice, and did he make any dessert?
  • He was going to make an apple crumble and custard but I told him not to bother
  • Why?
  • BECAUSE HE WAS BLEEDIN’ KNACKERED AND WANTED TO SIT DOWN FOR TWENTY MINUTES WITH A COFFEE AND WATCH LOOSE WOMEN
  • Calm down Bernie. Sure can’t we open a tin of fruit and have it with some ice cream instead.
  • Get out of me way Jimmy before I lose me mind. I’m missing me programme, and you’re getting on me last nerve.
  • You just can’t get the staff these days Ber

 

Men!!