Broken hearted girl

Gary rang our Whitney everyday when she got back from Australia. She refused to talk to him. So he started ringing the house phone at all hours of the day and night. I got fed up of him so I  left him up to Jimmy …

Can I speak to Whitney please.

It’s three o’clock in the morning, how many times were you told to stop ringing here? Some of us have to get up for work in the morning.

Please Jimmy, let me talk to her.

Don’t you ‘please Jimmy’ me, ye little bollix.

Sorry Mr. Violet.

She doesn’t want to talk to you.

I just want to explain.

What’s to explain? You got my daughter pregnant and then had sex with another woman in her bed.

It wasn’t what it looked like.

What was it like then?

She just came over to talk about work, and…

And, you decided to talk business in bed?

It just happened. We didn’t plan it.

So I suppose her knickers just fell down and she tripped over and landed on your mickey.

Yeah, I’d be speechless too if that happened me.

Can I just speak to Whitney?

I told you she doesn’t want to talk to you, now stop calling this house.

But, she won’t answer her mobile.

Because she doesn’t want to talk to you, can you not take a hint?

I just need to talk to her for a minute.

How many times do you have to be told…SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, NOW FUCK OFF. 

But…

Do you have a death wish or what? Because if you ring here again, you’re dead. I don’t care if you’re on the other side of the world.’I will find you and I will kill you’.  (Jimmy fancies himself as a bit of a Liam Neeson figure since we watched that movie, Taken. )

 

He obviously didn’t take Jimmy seriously (silly boy), and I have to say, he’s a persistent little fucker.He actually rang again; he was lucky Jimmy was in work. Even thought she was  broken hearted, Whitney still wouldn’t talk to him. I don’t blame her, I told the little bolix, he’s lucky she doesn’t have her mothers temperament because if I’d been in her situation, I’d have chopped his balls off.

 

 

 

#W is forWheelchair friendly #AtoZChallenge

  • I’m of to the bingo Jimmy
  • This early?It’s only half five
  • I’m collecting me ma
  • Maisie’s going to bingo? I thought she couldn’t walk
  • We got a loan of a wheelchair for her
  • Whacker Byrne has a wheelchair friendly bus now has he?
  • No,he’s bleedin’ useless, so we’ve to walk, that’s why I’m leavin’ so early
  • I don’t know how he gets any passengers for the Bingo run at all, sure aren’t they all half dead
  • Here fuck off you, who’re you callin’ half dead?
  • Well apart from yerself and Julie and the Maureen one, they all have one foot in the grave
  • That’s shocking talk Jimmy Violet. They all love the bingo, it’s the only outing they have all week
  • Don’t they get to mass as well, and I’m sure they have a funeral a week to go to. There can’t be too many of them left at this stage. I think Whacker is in the wrong business Ber…he should be driving limos for the undertakers, and he’d get less grief from his passengers.
  • Well he’ll be getting grief off me when I see him, refusing to take me mas wheelchair. He can stick his bus up his swiss from now on. Right I’d better go, me ma will be hangin’ out the window waitin’ for me
  • …and how are ye gettin’ home?
  • We’ll get a taxi if we win
  • …and if ye don’t win?
  • Then I’ll be knackered walkin’
  • Ye can’t be pushin’ Maisie in the dark Ber ,I’ll pick you up.
  • Sure you’ll be in the pub Jimmy, and anyway will a wheelchair even fit into the back of your van with all that shite?
  • It’s not shite, it’s me tools for work Bernie, and sure I’ll go the pub later. Isn’t the bingo over at ten?
  • Yeah but I can’t see a wheelchair fitting in, and sure me ma can’t climb up into that front seat of  the van anyway.
  • I’ll hoosh her up
  • Hoosh her? Me ma is eighty five and she’s just had a knee operation Jimmy, ye can’t hoosh her anywhere
  • I’m only tryin’ to help Bernie, go on and walk so.
  • Ah go on so, but give us a lift to me mas first will ye Jimmy.
  • Will YOU be able to get up into the seat Ber?
  • Sure can’t ye hoosh me up Jimmy
  • I’ll hoosh you any time Bernie
  • Is that a threat Jimmy?
  • It’s a promise Ber
  • You’re right, I am a soft touch.
  • I’ll let ye know.
  • Dirty minded fecker, here you may as well bring us to the Bingo while you’re at it. Get a bit of practice in for when you collect us
  • Ah you’re pushing it now Ber
  • No I’m not. I’m getting a lift off you.

Just as well he collected us; we won feck all again!

Elvis… Always on my mind

Me and Lynn went to an Elvis tribute night down the pub last night. They were celebrating the 40th anniversary of his death. Forty years!! Can you believe it?

 

Elvis

  • Where were you when Elvis died Bernie?
  • You mean the exact minute he died or when I heard he died?
  • When you heard he died of course…how would you know the exact minute he died unless you were there in the bathroom with him.
  • That is if he really died in the bathroom Lynn.That could just be a story, a cover up for what really happened.
  • Why would they say he died in the bathroom if he didn’t? You’ve a very’ suspicious mind’ Bernie
  • You know them Americans all love a good story, a crazy headline. ‘Elvis dies watching telly’ doesn’t’ have the same impact as ‘Elvis dies on the jax eating a burger’
  •  I don’t think they said he did eating a burger. I think they said he’d eaten a burger before he died.
  • Well they were hardly going to say he’d eaten a salad with cous cous and a glass of still water were they?
  •  I don’t think Elvis was much of a salad eater
  • Neither is that chap onstage by the look of him
  • He’s a big chap alright
  •  ‘The King is dead’ isn’t that what they said?
  •  I can’t remember but that is a good headline. Click bait…isn’t that what they’d call it now?
  • If it was today, it would be on twitter with a picture of the burger before the ambulance arrived
  • There’s not much privacy these days is there Bern?
  • I was in me grannies having a bowl of cornflakes
  • What?
  • ‘…When Elvis died. You asked me where I was when Elvis died.  I was staying in me grannies with Imelda when me ma was in hospital having our Aaron
  • Did your ma call him Aaron after Elvis because it was his middle name and he was born the day Elvis died?
  • No she called him Elvis after Elvis, but he was slagged in school over it so he told everyone his name was Aaron
  • So is his middle name Aaron too?
  • No, it’s  Bartley …after me granda. Aaron is his third name
  • Elvis Bartley Aaron?
  • Yeah,shite isn’t it? Scarlet for him. He reckoned Aaron was better than Bartley
  • I don’t blame him
  • Me granda wasn’t too please but
  • Who the fuck calls their child Bartley?
  • My great granny, that’s who. Anyway, it was on the nine o’clock news that morning
  • What was?
  • About Elvis dying, for  jaysis sake Lynn, keep up will you
  • Sorry Bernie, I’m still thinking about poor Aaron
  • Me granny always listened to RTE radio in the mornings…The news and Gay Byrne, every morning. I couldn’t believe it.
  • I couldn’t believe people listened to Gay Byrne either
  • No, I couldn’t believe Elvis was dead, for fuck sake Lynn, how many vodkas have you had?
  • Not enough obviously, judging by this conversation
  • Me sister was bawling crying. Imelda loved Elvis. She had posters of him on our bedroom wall
  • I had Donny Osmond and David Cassidy
  •  I had T. Rex. You know Marc Bolan died exactly a month after Elvis?… in a car crash on the way home from a party in Rod Stewart’s gaff.
  •  That’s a real rock n roll way to die isn’t it? Elvis might have been the King but his death wasn’t very rock n roll was it?
  • He’d be eighty one if he was still alive
  • He wouldn’t be shaking his hips much on a zimmerframe at eighty one Bernie
  • Sure he’d have had new hips by now
  • And a few face lifts, trying to stay young like the rest of them
  • He’ll be forever young
  • Wearing his blue suede shoes
  • Some people say he never died…  Another cover up
  • Where is he then?
  • God only knows, living on some tropical island with Marc Bolan and Buddy Holly.
  • My ma loved Buddy Holly
  • Mine too. You know she wanted to call me Peggy Sue
  • Seriously? Yeah, but me da put his foot down, said no child of his was being called after his mother in law
  • You’re grannies name was Peggy Sue?
  • No, Margaret, but everyone called her Peggy
  • I need another drink Bernie
  • I’ll call the waitress… ”Excuse me love, two double vodkas and coke when you’re ready”… He was only twenty two, Lord rest him
  • Who?
  • Buddy fucking Holly. Do you want to go out and come back in Lynn, because you’re not with it tonight
  • Ask me hoop Bernie. I can’t keep up with all these dead celebs
  • You shouldn’t have come to an Elvis tribute show then
  • You’re just confusing me, anyway I thought he was older. He looked older but didn’t he?
  • Who Elvis?
  • No, Buddy Holly, jaysis, now who’s confused?
  •  I think it was the glasses.
  • He did really die though
  • I hope so…they buried him
  • You’re getting worse Bernie. Here, this Elvis chap is a long time on his break isn’t he?
  • Probably sent out for a burger. I hope he’s not eating it on the jax
  • I’m going to ask him to sing Blue Christmas when he comes back
  • It’s bleedin’ August Lynn!
  • He’s an Elvis tribute and I want to hear Blue Christmas
  • Whatever floats your boat love, anyway he died in a plane crash
  • I thought he died on the jax
  • Not Elvis; Buddy Holly ye big eejit
  • I told you to stop confusing me
  • So did Patsy Cline. Our Patsy is named after her
  • Are all your family named after famous dead people then?
  • Yeah, except me. I’m named after saint Bernadette
  • She’s dead
  • She wasn’t famous though…except in the catholic church I suppose
  • So many stars died too soon Bernie… Michael Jackson… Prince…Freddie Mercury
  • …Bob Marley…Jim Morrison..
  • David Bowie… I loved David Bowie
  •  Jimi Hendrix…
  • Amy Winehouse.
  • Karen Carpenter…. jaysis we’re very cheerful tonight aren’t we?
  • Marilyn
  • I thought Marilyn Manson was still alive?
  • No Marilyn Monroe
  • Hardly a rock star but
  • Oh I thought we were just talking about dead stars
  • We were talking about Elvis
  • Oh yeah
  • So where were YOU then?
  • When?
  • When Elvis died?
  • Fucked if I can remember Bernie, sure I was only five
  • You were in your swiss! I think we should just listen to the music and have ‘A little less conversation’ Lynn,yeah?
  • Here he is back onstage, throw your knickers at him Bernie, I dare you. ”G’WAN ELVIS … you aint nothin’ but a hound dog…”

I sometimes wonder how I’m still friends with this girl!

 

 

Coronavirus

C2020

I hadn’t seen any of the girls since we got home from Beni. We had to make do with Whats app and Face time, trying to keep each other sane while we were isolating. Trying not to talk about the dreaded c word. Trying not to talk about how bad things were in  China and Italy and, especially Spain, where we’d just been on holiday.  All the bad news seemed to be coming from abroad. But the numbers diagnosed in Ireland started to creep up.  We didn’t know anyone who had the virus. Then, Julie rang me

  • Hey Julie, is Ray driving you mad yet?
  • Not yet, but  It’s actually grand not having to do the shopping. I believe the shops are still crazy.
  • I know,I’ve been looking at all the videos on Facebook. Jimmy’s not impressed, he said people are like lunatics out there.  He’s not used to supermarkets as you know.
  • He’s going to be less impressed when you tell him the latest.
  • What?
  • Breda is not very well. She has symptoms.
  • Of the virus? Oh my god.
  • Yeah, her doctor has referred her for testing. Her Christy said she’s in bits.
  • Where do they think she caught it?  Hasn’t she been isolating since we got home from Benidorm.
  • She has yeah, she’s not been well the past few days.
  • Come to think of it, she didn’t look the best on the flight. I thought she was just hungover after all the drink.
  • Yeah, she did take full advantage of the all inclusive didn’t she?
  • She wasn’t the only one, my liver is fucked.
  • And mine, I haven’t had a drink since we got home.
  • Me neither, and  all that booze we brought home too.
  • Well, god only knows when we’ll get away again, but it looks like we’re going to need it all.
  • How do you mean?
  • Anyone Breda has been in contact with, needs to self isolate and ring their doctor if they show any symptoms.
  • Well, we’ve been isolating nearly a week now.
  • I mean REALLY self isolate. Ray has to move into the spare room. You’ll have to tell Jimmy to do the same.
  • He’s gonna love that. He’ll be off to the pub tonight for a moan with the lads.
  • I don’t think so, Bernie. Have you not heard? Pubs have all been ordered to close.
  • Holy fuck.

Shit’s just got real lads, now where did I put that vodka?

Bernies Benidorm Blues.

Jimmy is getting as bad as me ma, he’s like a broken bleedin’ record…

  • There’s you stuck at home for two weeks now.
  • I know, don’t keep saying it, Jimmy.
  • You brought it on yourself.
  • So you keep saying, Jimmy.
  • You know you can’t be sneaking out to the shops either.
  • I know.
  • Or down to Julies for a sneaky coffee.
  • I fucking know, I’m not a child.
  • Well…
  • Will you leave it out, I’m sick listening about it.
  • I’m just saying.
  • Yeah, you keep just saying.
  • Well, if you hadn’t gone to…
  • If you mention Benidorm one more time, I swear I’ll swing for you.
  • Well, you…
  • Fuck off Jimmy.
  • That’s lovely alright
  • You’re getting on my nerves.
  • Right so, I’ll head to work so, some of us  do have a job to go to.
  • Bye
  • Enjoy Loose Women, wont you?
  • I will, smart arse.
  • Your ma is right, you shouldn’t have gone.
  • No, do you know what? I shouldn’t have bloody come home.

… and this was before the pubs closed, before he finished work, before the lock down. Things couldn’t get any worse…could they?

B2020

A is for… April at last

A2020

So, who’s delighted to see the back of March? It was a whole season in itself wasn’t it?

I feel like I’ve lived half a lifetime in three weeks.

Who knew how serious things were going to get with the Corona virus? Well, apart from my ma that is. She’s still going on about me going to Benidorm with the girls. I’ll never hear the end of it. I rang her the day after I got home, three days later than expected due to baggage handlers being out of work with the virus. Thank God I packed that extra suitcase.

  • You never listen to me, Bernie.
  • No one knew how bad it was going to get ma.
  • I knew.
  • You know everything.
  • You were lucky to get home at all, you could have died over there.
  • We were very safe ma. the hotel was locked down, we didn’t go out until we were brought to the airport.
  • Not much of a holiday, was it.
  • I had a ball, and three extra days, all inclusive paid for by the airline.
  • Was it worth putting your life at risk?
  • My life wasn’t at risk.
  • Well, I hope you didn’t bring the virus home with you.
  • No, I didn’t.
  • But you were told to isolate immediately.
  • As a precaution ma. I’m grand.  for fuck sake.
  • What did you say? This phone line is very bad.
  • I said I feel great.
  • And now you can’t even visit me.
  • No I can’t.
  • Don’t sound too upset now will you. I’m high risk you know.
  • Oh I know ma, I know.
  • I told you how bad it would be, weeks ago. I kept telling you and you just laughed at me.
  • I didn’t laugh, I just told you to calm down with the panic buying.
  • Well, you’re not laughing now are you, stuck at home in isolation, and no food.
  • I have food in ma, I just don’t have my boxroom looking like Aldis storeroom.
  • God knows when I’ll get to a supermarket again. I got my supplies in just in time. I believe they’re killing each other over toilet rolls.
  • You haven’t been to a supermarket in six months, and you’ve enough food to do you for another six months. People are bloody eejits. There’s plenty of toilet rolls.
  • Thank god Bernard got some for me, because you never did.
  • Good old St. Bernard.  How’s his halo?
  • What?
  • Tell Bernard I said hello.
  • I  said he got toilet rolls, you never did.
  • I heard you, anyway, they weren’t on your endless list.
  • I didn’t know they were scarce.
  • They’re not bloody scarce. More importantly, is he getting your meds?
  • He is, bless him. He leaves my milk and bread on the doorstep too. He’s not allowed in god love him.
  • I’m sure he’s devastated.
  • What?
  • I said you wouldn’t know what day it is.
  • Indeed you wouldn’t. Its awful not being able to go out.
  • You never go out ma.
  • But I knew I could if I wanted to.
  • But you never want to.
  • Well, I’ve no choice in the matter now.
  • That just suits you down to the ground.
  • What?
  • Nothing.
  • Things can’t get any worse can they, Bernie?
  • God only knows ma.

That was two weeks ago. Even then, we didn’t realise how much worse it was going to get.

Lockdown

Ma rang me today to ask me to do a bit of shopping for her. When I got to her house, she had a shopping list ready for me…

12 tins beans

12 tins peas

12 tins fruit cocktail

12 tins tomatoes

12 tins potatoes

12 tins carrots

12 tins soup

12 jars pasta sauce

12 packets spaghetti

12 packets pasta any shapes

12 tins hoola hoops

Large teabags (200)

4 boxes Magnums

Tray of 7up

4 sliced pans

Jelly babies (large)

Packet fig rolls

What the hell is all this for ma?

I want to stock up for the coronavirus, Bernie.

What in the name of god are you talking about ma?

The coronavirus, its on the way.

Ma, you’re not going to get the coronavirus.

How do you know? I could be put on lock down any day now.

Ma, you never leave the house anyway. You’ve been on lock down since October.

Well, anyone could bring it in with them.

Like who?

Like you.

I haven’t got the coronavirus, ma.

How do you know?

I just know ma.

Did you wash your hands when you came in?

I just got here ma, my hands are clean.

Here, use a blob of my hand sanitizer.

For gods sake ma.

…and why are you not wearing a mask?

Because it’s not Hallowe’en, ma.

Here, take one of mine.

I don’t need a face mask ma, leave it out will you.

Well if you’re not going to wear a mask, just drop the shopping at the front door when you get back, I’ll get Bernard to bring it in when he gets back from the chemist.

What’s he gone to the chemist for?

More hand sanitizer and face masks.

He’s bloody as bad as you.

Oh and get  me a few sliced pans will you? I forgot to put them on the list.

Ma, you still have half a dozen loaves in your deep freezer since the big snow of 2018, and you do have them on the list.  Look… 4 sliced pans.

You can never have too much bread, Bernie.

I give up.

That storm George is on the way too, better get me another couple of liters of milk.

It’s storm Jorge ma, and you’ve loads of milk in the fridge.

Horhay? What kind of name is that at all? Who lets all  these foreign storms and viruses in at all? Is there nothing Irish left in the country?

Guinness?

Ah sure go on, get a tray of  Guinness for me so.

You don’t even drink Guinness ma.

I heard alcohol kills the virus, so maybe get me a bottle of Jameson as well.

You don’t drink Jameson either ma.

I might be glad of it when I run out of milk, Bernie.

 

That woman really needs to get out of the house!

 

img_20200227_165834_8012007047426290217660.jpg

 

 

 

Una corona blanca

Jimmy is getting as bad as me ma. Here’s me trying to pack me suitcase and he’s bending me ear over that bloody virus.

  • You’re not still going are ye?
  • Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?
  • It’s not safe with this coronavirus, Bernie.
  • We’ll be grand
  • Why would you be grand and they’re dropping like flies all over the world?
  • Exactly. It’s already in Ireland, so if I’m going to get it, I’ll get it here.
  • That’s ridiculous.
  • Why is it ridiculous? Sure there’s plane loads of Italians wandering around Temple Bar as we speak. I’ll probably be safer in Benidorm than you are at home.
  • I don’t go near Temple Bar, I’m going nowhere until this is sorted, and I don’t think you should either.
  • Look Jimmy, it’s been a long winter. I need a bit of sun on me back.
  • It’s more than sun you’ll get, Bernie.
  • I’m booked and paid for, and I’m going. Now get out of me way, Julie will be here in a few minutes.
  • What will you do if they put you on lockdown?
  • I’ll be grand, sure I’ve packed enough for a fortnight.
  • You’ll be confined to your room. What sort of a holiday is that?
  •  We’ve got a balcony with a sea view, we can still sunbathe and we can stock up in Super Sol as soon as we arrive.
  • I thought you were all inclusive?
  • A few extra bottles of gin never did anyone any harm, ask your ma.
  • No need to bring my ma into this.
  • She’s the one stocking up since she heard alcohol kills the virus.
  • Yeah, and who gave her that bit of advice?
  • My ma was just being helpful.
  • Turning my ma into an alco.
  • She didn’t need much turning, Jimmy.
  • Ah now, there’s no need for that sort of talk, Bernie.
  • Leave it out will you, Jimmy. Julie’s outside in the Taxi. Here,carry that suitcase down the stairs for me.
  • Jesus, what have you got in here…bricks?
  • I told you, I’m  bringing an extra few bits, just in case.
  • What kind of bits?
  • A box of Barry’s teabags, jaffa cakes, a couple of packets of Mikado, A 12 pack of Tayto, a Brennans batch loaf, a pound of Kerrygold…
  • And you said your ma was mad? Are you sure you haven’t got a four stone bag of potatoes in here?
  • Don’t be silly, Jimmy, sure I don’t want me bag to be overweight.
  • You’re going to be disappointed if they don’t put you on lock down, Bernie Rose.
  • Can’t argue with you on that one Jimmy. Sure five days is never enough.

 

Poor Jimmy, he’s an awful worrier God bless him. Adios amigos 🙂

 

The fourteen year old virgin

This is an actual conversation that I over heard between two young girls on a very bus last Saturday. I’m still not the better of it…

Are you still  with Cory?

Yeah.

D’ye love him?

Yeah, I suppose, whatever love is. Did you love him when you were with him?

Yeah, I mean, he’s really good looking, and he’s minted. Not that I knew he was minted when I was with him, like, that’s not why I was with him.

I knew he was minted, but that’s not why I’m with him.

He’s gorgeous, isn’t he?But I don’t like the way he knows he’s gorgeous, and he knows all the girls are mad for him.

I’ll probably lose me virginity to him. did you?

I did in me hole. Are you really going to?

 I probably will, like, I don’t really want to but we’re in a stable relationship so, yeah.

How long are you with him?

Three weeks. He thinks he’s me best friend, I told him he was,but he’s not

You just have to tell them what they want to hear, don’t you?

Yeah, I mean, Jade will always be me best friend.

Oh.

Oh what? Did you think you were?

NO! 

Anyway, we’ll probably do it soon. He really wants to.

Well if you don’t, someone else will, because he really is gorgeous.

Yeah, and like, his gaff is huge, like the length of three houses and three stories high.

It must be massive.

It is, and he even has a trampoline out his back garden.

Very nice. 

Did you lose your virginity yet?

Shut up, the whole bus can hear you.

Let them, so tell us, did you lose it? Are you still single?

Yeah I’m still single.

How long are you single now?

About six months.

 And still a virgin.

Shurrup, so are you.

Not for much longer.

Are you dying to lose your virginity?

Shhhh, I’m scarlet.  (I think we already know the answer love)

Come on then, this is our stop.

 

Well, when they stood up and walked down the bus, I couldn’t believe my eyes. They were only about thirteen or fourteen years of age. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  I feel sorry for kids today. They don’t get to be kids for long do they? When I was their age, I was still reading Enid Blyton books and playing skipping out on the road with me pals. The only thing I ever lost was me bus fare.