Camel Toe

 

camelI had a few scoops with Julie last night. I haven’t seen her since before I went on me alcoholliers so we were due a catch up.

  • See they’re selling knickers with built in camel toe now Ber
  • Feck off Julie
  • I swear to God Bernie
  • Who in their right mind would want to be flashing their fanny to all and sundry?
  • Loads of people. They’re all the rage now I believe
  • That’s just wrong, and disgusting too
  • Well disgusting or not, they’re selling like hot cakes
  • Young ones these days would wear anything
  • Not like us you mean?
  • I never had a camel toe in me life
  • You wore pussy bows though Bern
  • Pussy bows were on me blouse, not me fanny
  • ..and ra ra skirts
  • Don’t remind me
  • ..and gold leggings
  • Jaysis
  • How did you get away with wearing them and not have a camel toe Bernie?
  • Two pairs of knickers with double gusset
  • Sexy bitch
  • Bet into them I was. Remember lying on the bed to pull the zip up with a hanger and not being able to get up without being pulled up
  • Same here, and you were afraid to go to the jax when you were out in case you couldn’t get them back up
  • The things we did to be fashionable what?
  • Camel toe but? We’d never go that far Bernie
  • I remember wearing leg warmers, and I wasn’t even going to the gym
  • …and fingerless gloves
  • …Madonna bands
  • …Bet Lynch earrings,they were like bleedin’ chandeliers
  • We thought we were only massive
  • We thought we were Bananarama
  • *Nathan Jones you’ve been gone too long* I still remember the dance moves
  • *Venus* I remember me ma nearly had a conniption cos I ripped me new jeans with her kitchen scissors so I’d be like Karen Woodward
  • They’re selling them already ripped now, imagine?
  • I know. Me ma couldn’t believe it when she saw our Whitney wearing them. ‘Has your mother not got a needle and thread to sew them up for ye love’ she said to her
  • I hope she doesn’t go buying them camel toe knickers
  • That’d be going a step too far. I don’t think she’s that stupid
  • Maisie said the same about your ripped jeans Bernie
  • She did too Julie. Oh to be young and foolish again
  • Just young would do me Ber
  • …and not just foolish
  • I’ll drink to that
  • I’ll drink to anything…cheers

Privacy … Sign of the times

Kids these days, they tell you nothing. God be with the days when there was only one phone in the house and everyone heard all of your business. Now they don’t even use the landline and their phones are forever stuck to their hands. Back in my day we had no phone. I had to go down the road to the public call box  by the shops to call me fella…more privacy back then  😉

  • Who were you on the phone to Whitney?
  • My friend
  • What friend?
  • Just a friend from school
  • What’s her name
  • Why do you want to know?
  • I’m just asking you a question
  • And I told you, a friend
  • Was it a fella?
  • What makes you think it was a fella?
  • Because you won’t tell me who it was
  • I told you it was a friend
  • And I asked you, what friend?
  • Why are you giving me the third degree ma?
  • Because I’m your ma and you’re only a child
  • I’m sixteen ma
  • Exactly…so?
  • So what?
  • So it was a fella
  • What if it was?
  • Why can’t you just say you were talking to a fella?
  • What’s the difference if it’s a boy or a girl? He’s just a friend
  • Then why didn’t you tell me which it was?
  • Because you’d make a big deal out of it, like you are now
  • I’m not making a big deal out of it
  • You are. A friend is a friend
  • But if you were talking to Leanne, you’d say you were talking to Leanne
  • But I wasn’t talking to Leanne
  • So who is he?
  • Just a friend
  • What’s his name?
  • Why?
  • I just want to know. Why are you afraid to tell me?
  • I’m not afraid to tell you. You don’t know him so no point telling you his name
  • You were talking for a very long time. What were you talking about?
  • I wasn’t that long talking to him and we were just talking about stuff
  • What stuff?
  • Just stuff. Jaysis ma is nothing private in this house?
  • Is he your boyfriend Whitney?
  • MA!!
  • Just tell me
  • No
  • No he’s not your boyfriend?
  • No, I’m not telling you
  • Maybe you’ll tell your da when he comes in
  • Ah ma for gods sake
  • What?
  • Stop telling da stuff
  • He’s your da he should know if you have a boyfriend
  • You’re doing my head in. I’m going to my room
  • Is that him on the phone?
  • What?
  • I just heard your phone beep
  • So?
  • So,is that why you’re going to your room?
  • No, I’m going to my room because you’re wrecking my head ma

I’ll find out, don’t you worry…

Reflections #AtoZChallenge #Maisieandme

It’s been two weeks since I completed the challenge. Between that and looking after Maisie I was worn out. So meself and Jimmy headed of to Benalmadena  for a week to soak up a few rays and chill out. It was lovely just to sit by the pool everyday with no one to run after…

  • So, how did the challenge go Bernie?
  • It was actually grand Jimmy, but to be honest with you, Maisie would have a conniption if she knew I was writing about her for the month
  • You mean you didn’t tell her?
  • I value my life Jimmy
  • Wait til she hears the world and it’s mother knows all about her gammy knees
  • Not to mention her birds appetite
  • …her eyesight
  • …her hearing, or lack of
  • What?
  • Very funny Jimmy
  • You always did say you could write a book about your ma
  • Maybe I will
  • Sure you’re halfway there Bernie
  • What will I call it?
  • ‘Confessions of a hypochondriac’?
  • Too predictable Jimmy, plus ,she’d kill me
  • ‘Hear no evil. See no evil’?
  • ‘Hear feck all. See everything’ more like. Wait until she gets her new knee. there’ll be no stopping her.
  •  That’s it Bernie …’Finding Noonie’
  • Stoppit Jimmy, that’s brilliant
  • Or… ‘When I kneed you’?
  • Leave it out Jimmy, you’re after making me spill me drink
  • In other words ‘Go to the bar and get me another drink Jimmy’
  • It’s your own fault for making me laugh
  • Any excuse Bernie. I suppose you want me to rub in some more sun cream when I get back
  • That’ll be lovely hon
  • And you say Maisie is demanding?
  • You have no idea
  • There’s a pair of you in it, sure you’re as bad as each other
  • ‘Maisie and Me’ not a bad title Jimmy
  • Heaven help us

Zoom #AtoZChallenge

Z 2017

  • Heya ma
  • Are you not gone yet?
  • Obviously not
  • I thought you’d be supping a large vodka at the airport by now
  • I am
  • Well for some. So what do you want?
  • That’s lovely alright. I rang to say goodbye
  • You said goodbye yesterday
  • Jaysis, you’re full of the joys today aren’t you
  • I wouldn’t like you to miss your flight over me Bernie
  • Sure we’ve loads of time
  • How’s Jimmy?
  • Not a bother. Enjoying a couple of pints before the flight
  • Sure he may as well
  • Do you want to say hello to him….JIMMY, ME MA WANTS  TO SAY GOODBYE TO YOU
  • No I don’t. Let him alone will you
  • He said to tell you to feck off, he said goodbye to you yesterday
  • Charming
  • Right I’d better go ma. They’re calling our flight
  • Have a great time Bernie. Love you
  • Love you too ma. Hasta la vista
  • Who’s pissed off?
  • I SAID HASTA LA VISTA
  • WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU BERNIE?
  • The whole airport can hear me ma
  • WHAT?
  • BYE MA

Jaysis…

You only live once #AtoZChallenge

Y 17

  • I think I’ll come with you Bernie
  • Grand. I’ll get your coat ma
  • Will I need a coat?
  • It’s freezing out, of course you’ll need a coat
  • I thought it was warm in Spain?
  • It probably is, but we’re in Ireland ma
  • But when we go to Spain will it be warm?
  • What do you mean when WE go to Spain?
  • I just told you, I’m going with you
  • I thought you meant to the shops ma
  • You don’t be listening to me Bernie
  • I try not to ma
  • What?
  • You can’t come to Spain ma
  • Why not?
  • Because your pre op is while I’m away and you can’t get your new knee until that’s done
  • So who’s going to bring me
  • Phillo and Mags and Marion will be here, Angela will be up at the weekend, and of course there’s always your sons…
  • I’m not looking forward to it Bernie. I’d rather be going to Spain with you
  • Ah Phillo isn’t that bad ma, and Angela will only be here for a couple of days
  • I meant the operation, not your sisters
  • I know ma, I’m only messing with you. ANYWAY IT’S ONLY A PRE OP. I TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES
  • WELL EXCUSE ME FOR BEING DEAF AS WELL AS CRIPPLED
  • You’re not a cripple…leave it out. you’re such a drama Queen
  • I’d like to see you getting a new knee
  • Ah look ma, you’ll be grand. Look how long you’ve been waiting for this. You’ll be like a new loo when it’s done
  • I hate hospitals
  • Doesn’t everyone ma
  • What if I don’t wake up?
  • You will wake up, and you won’t know yourself with your noonie
  • But they’re sending me to convalesce afterwards Bernie
  • The nursing home is lovely. It’s only for a couple of weeks until you get used to your noonie
  • Stop calling it me noonie
  • It will always be your noonie to me ma
  • Get away out of that. You’re a divil you are
  • …and where did I get that from then?
  • Go on with you. You have a great time in Spain. You only live once Bernie. Make the most of it
  • I will ma, and sure can’t you come with us next time
  • Maybe I will
  • It’s a date so. Me, you and noonie

 

Ah bless her  😉

X Ray #AtoZChallenge

x 2017

  • The doctor rang with your X  Ray results ma
  • With what?
  • YOUR  X RAY RESULTS FROM THE HOSPITAL MA. REMEMBER I BROUGHT YOU TO THE HOSPITAL FOR YOUR XRAY?
  • Oh jesus, wait until I sit down Bernie, me nerves are gone
  • Do you want the good news or the bad news?
  • Bad news? oh Jesus, Mary and holy saint Joseph … bad news?I told you I was dying. None of you would listen to me.
  • Well will you listen to me for a minute ma. You’re not dying, you’re getting a new knee
  • A noonie? What’s a noonie?
  • YOUR NEW KNEE MA. YOU’RE GETTING A NEW KNEE
  • Are you serious Bernie?
  • Yeah, he said  your xray showed how much your knee had deteriorated and you need to have the op asap
  • Sure didn’t I tell him that meself. I didn’t need an xray to tell me how bad I was
  • Well, you’ll be getting it very soon ma
  • Oh I don’t know Bernie
  • What don’t you know?
  • About the new knee
  • Jaysis ma, all you ever talk about is your gammy knee and how long you’ve been waiting for a new one, and now you’re saying you don’t want it?
  • I’m just nervous Bernie
  • Nothing to be nervous about at all.You’ll be flying around the place afterwards
  • Will I but Bernie?
  • You sound as if you’re disappointed ma
  • No I’m not
  • Well you don’t sound too happy?
  • Would you be happy having a foreign body put inside you?
  • Leave it out ma will you. It’s a common operation. Millions of people get it done every year. It’ll give you a whole new lease of life
  • So what’s the good news then?
  • That was the good news ma
  • So what’s the bad news?
  • There is no bad news ma, I was only messin’
  • You can be a bitch sometimes Bernie
  • Well, I didn’t lick it off a stone
  • What did you say?
  • I SAID I THINK I HEAR THE PHONE. I’LL JUST GO ANSWER IT
  • The phone is in your hand Bernie
  • Oh… so it is

Watching telly #AtoZChallenge

W 17

  • Put the telly on there Bernie
  • What’s on ma?
  • Daniel and Majella’s road trip
  • Jaysis do we have to watch this shite?
  • What?
  • IT’S THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY NIGHT
  • I love Daniel. Isn’t he lovely?
  • Massive ma
  • Do you not like him?
  • He’s a pain in the arse
  • He’s very good to his mammy
  • How do you know?
  • I just do. Ah look isn’t he gorgeous?
  • He’s a ride ma
  • What are you saying Bernie?
  • THEY’RE GOING FOR A RIDE MA…LOOK, ON A DONKEY
  • Where are they visiting this week?
  • Connemara
  • Lovely. I haven’t been to Connemara since 1983
  • Have you not?
  • Oh look quick Bernie, she has curtains like mine. Isn’t that a gorgeous house?
  • Fab
  • I was thinking of buying new ones
  • New what?
  • Curtains. Are you even listening to me Bernie?
  • I try not to
  • What?
  • I HEARD YOU
  • But I do like the ones I have
  • What have you got ma?
  • Curtains Bernie. Jesus, I thought I was the one with the hearing problem
  • Oh right yeah. Curtains, lovely
  • They could do with a wash though
  • Right
  • Maybe Phil or Marion would wash them for me
  • I’m sure they would
  • I’ll ask them
  • Do
  • I don’t hear you offering to wash them
  • No you didn’t ma
  • What?
  • I SAID ‘ASK ANGELA’
  • Angela said there’s a sale in Kavanaghs
  • Lovely
  • Great bargains in curtains she said
  • Great, saves her washing yours the lazy hoor
  • What?
  • GREAT BARGAINS I’M SURE
  • But sure what’s the point in new curtains at my age?
  • No point ma
  • What’s up with you tonight?
  • Nothing
  • There’s something up, you’re very quiet
  • I’m trying to watch this programme ma
  • You don’t even like Daniel O’Donnell Bernie
  • No I don’t but you insisted on putting it on and you haven’t shut up since it started
  • I can watch and talk at the same time you know
  • Well watch it then will you
  • Where are they now?
  • Galway
  • Oh I like Galway. That’s a nice house isn’t it? Oh, is it over already?
  • Yes ma
  • It wasn’t on for long was it?
  • It was on for half an hour ma
  • That didn’t seem like half an hour
  • No, more like an eternity
  • What?
  • Do you want another cup of tea?

 

Is this month nearly over yet?