Playboy

playboy

  •  See that Hugh Hefner fella died
  • Jaysis, he’s been around for a long time
  • Ninety one he was, it’s here in this mornings paper
  • Older than me ma
  • You know he was sixty years older than his last wife
  • Sure the older he got, the younger his wives got. What the hell did they see in him?
  • Money Bernie, that’s all… money
  • …and him always hanging around in his pyjamas
  • Ever ready what!
  • I can’t see them throwing him out of Tesco’s if he went in for a jumbo breakfast roll in his jammies
  • They say he went deaf from too much viagra
  •  Jaysis I must warn uncle Billy
  • Your uncle Billy has been deaf for years
  • So he has…ooohh
  • All them bunny girls, he must have had thousands of them over the years
  • A dirty old man he was
  • It says here that he died surrounded by his loved ones
  • He must’ve had a huge bed for all them bunnies to gather round
  • I’m sure they mean his wife and kids, but yeah, I heard his bed was massive alright
  • I can’t see him getting into Heaven, can you Jimmy?
  • Well if he does, it will be a bit of a let down for him after the Playboy Mansion Bernie
  • Jimmy!!

 

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Game of Thongs

The washing machine repair fella was here this morning. Jimmy went ballistic when I rang and told him what the problem was. You’d swear it was my fault. Actually, everything these days seems to be my fault…and I don’t even own a pair of thongs. That Kylie one had better buy herself a few pairs of Bridget Jones or she’ll be left knickerless, because I’m burning that drawer full of  dental floss she has up in her room…

  • Is the machine fixed ma?
  • Yeah, no thanks to you
  • What did I do?
  • Put your bits of string in
  • What?
  • The bits of string you call knickers
  • They’re called thongs
  • I don’t care what you call them, they broke me machine
  • What’s my thongs got to do with the machine being broken?
  • One of them was blocking the filter
  • Is that what was wrong with it
  • Yes, mortified I was when the chap cleaned it out
  • Aww scarlet ma
  • You were scarlet? You were in bed. I had to face him Kylie
  • You should have checked the filter before you rang the repair fella ma
  • Don’t you start. I’ve enough of your da going on about it
  • Did he go mental
  • You know what he’s like ” did you not check the filter? The first thing you do when there’s a problem with a washing machine is check the filter ,before you call the repair fella….I can’t believe you didn’t check the filter…Eighty euro for a bleedin’ call out charge ” Blah Blah Blah
  • Ah sorry ma
  • “I didn’t see you checking the fucking filter” I says to him ” so shurrup annoying me will you”
  • Was it the same fella who called last time?
  • Oh no thank God. I was mortified enough as it was
  • That was hilarious ma.  Remember the underwire from your bra, caught in the drum
  • Oh, your da reminded me of that one this morning when he was on his rant
  • But he thought it was funny at the time. I remember him and Anto laughing over it. ” You’ve always been wired Bernie” he said
  • That was back when he had a sense of humour
  • Ah he’s not that bad
  • Grumpy fucker these days so he is.
  • Maybe he’s going through the change
  • Men don’t go through the change. They just become narky bastards in their old age
  • Me da is not sixty yet ma
  • He’s starting early so…here put that thong in the bin
  • Why?
  • Because it’s ripped to fuck
  • Ah ma, they were me favourites
  • Who in the name of jaysis has a favourite pair of thongs?
  • I do, they’re  Victoria’s Secret ones
  • Who the fuck is Victoria, and why are you borrowing her knickers? That’s disgusting, you’ve hundreds of pairs of your own
  • It’s the name of the shop ma
  • Whatever… It’s a piece of string Kylie. Get over yourself
  • And you say me da is a narky fucker
  • I beg your pardon?
  • …nothing, jaysis calm down ma
  • I won’t calm down. I’m sick of the lot of you
  • Jaysis it’s only a thong ma
  • Oh, and you owe me eighty euro
  • For what?
  • For the washing machine repair fella
  • I haven’t got eighty euro ma
  • Well stop buying expensive bits of  shite to cover your arse then
  • You’re as bad as me da these days
  • …and maybe that’ll teach you to  wash your knickers by hand in future

Kids, I swear the older they get the worse they get…

Double glazed widows

windows

 

I told you me ma loves a good funeral story. I told her about Jimmy’s mate Frankie kicking the bucket last week…

  • Another double glazed widow then Bernie
  • What’s that ma?
  • A double glaze widow. Bury their husbands of a Monday, get the builders in of a Tuesday
  • That’s terrible ma
  • Well, some of them wait a bit longer, they don’t like the neighbours talking
  • I think you make these stories up ma
  • As true as I’m sitting here Bernie, I’m telling you. As soon as the husband dies, they get the entire house double glazed because they weren’t allowed when they were alive
  • Weren’t allowed? We’re not living in the fifties ma
  • You’ve no idea Bernie. Not everyone is as lucky as you.
  • Maybe it was like that in your era ma, but not now
  • What are you talking about? Sure haven’t you just told me that Frankie’s missus getting a complete makeover on the house soon…and him only a few hours under the ground
  • That’s one person ma…ONE
  • …and what about Rita Burke in number nineteen? Attic conversion a month after Johnny kicked the bucket
  • She needed the room for the grand kids when her daughter moved in with her ma
  • …and Eileen Dunne around the corner. The hearse had hardly pulled away from the house when she had a new front door and a cobble lock driveway
  • Stop exaggerating ma
  • No exaggeration at all Bernie…and she had no one moving in with her except her fancy man
  • Ma, stoppit
  • You’re very naive Bernadette
  • ..and you just love making up stories about the neighbours
  • …Then there’s Maura Whatsername in the cul de sac. Didn’t Jimmy put in a new kitchen for her  a week after her fella died
  • It wasn’t a week ma
  • How long was it then?
  • About a month
  • See! I told you Bernie. You mark my words, that Valerie woman will be ordering a new conservatory and a world cruise in no time
  • Actually Jimmy is calling around this week to give her an estimate
  • Holy god, she’s quick off the mark isn’t she Bernie?
  • She is ma. Frankie is only dead a week
  • She’s wasting no time spending the insurance money is she?
  • Well by all accounts, he was a right tight bastard
  • So, she’ll be making up for all them years of penny pinching
  • Poor cow all the same. I’d hate to be married to a mean man
  • Nothing worse than a tight arse Bernie

Maisie talks some shite at the best of times, but I think she’s right about this one lads…

 

Happy Endings

One of Jimmy’s old work buddies died. The funeral was yesterday.

  • So, how did the funeral go?
  • Very sad Bernie. Very sad
  • I’d say the family were in bits were they? It was so sudden
  • It was, sure didn’t I only see him in the pub last Tuesday, there wasn’t a bother on him
  • You just don’t know the day nor the hour do you Jimmy?
  • You sure don’t Bernie
  • What’s in the bag there
  • Batter burger and chips
  • Did you not get food at the funeral
  • Soup and a sandwich
  • I didn’t keep dinner for you because I thought you’d be having a sit down meal
  • Are you mad? At Franks funeral? Sure he’d turn in his grave if he knew he was even paying for a few ham sambos
  • Was he that bad?
  • He was a miserable aul shite
  • Ah Jimmy. Don’t be speaking ill of the dead
  • I’d say they buried him with his communion money
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • But was the service nice
  • It was Bernie. Father Joe gave a lovely eulogy
  • That’s nice
  • You know what Anto says to me?
  • What?
  • “I think we’re at the wrong funeral Jimmy”
  •  Why would he say that?
  • Well, Fr. Joe kept going on about how generous Frank was and how he’d give you his last shilling
  • What’s wrong with that?
  •  Frankie was as tight as a nuns knickers so he was. Wouldn’t buy a round of drinks if his life depended on it ; Still owes me a few pints you know. He was a miserable shite
  • You’ve two hopes of getting them now Jimmy…none and Bob
  • His money will be well spent now that its in the hands of his missus. Valerie is  getting the house done up
  • She didn’t waste much time did she?
  • Well Frankie never let her do a thing to his house. It’s just as it was when his ma lived in it. Same wallpaper and all. Me and Ray helped him to hang it, Christmas 1984 just after his da died. He was a miserable aul fucker as well.
  • 1984? for fuck sake, it must be in rag order. How did she put up with that?
  • She’d no choice. She didn’t work. He was the breadwinner, so he decided what was done
  • I’m delighted for her
  • What that her husband died
  • No, that she’s going to have a decent house to live in at last. Wait until I tell me ma
  • Did Maisie know him then?
  • No, but you know what she’s like. She loves a good funeral story
  • Especially one with a happy ending
  • Hardly a happy ending if he’s dead Jimmy
  • It is for me Bernie; Valerie’s hired me and Anto to do the renovations for her.
  • Only you could pick up work at a funeral Jimmy Violet
  • You take the work where you can get it Ber. Here, do you want half of me batter burger

 

No one could accuse Jimmy of being a mean aul shite all the same, could they?

Alcoholliers

towel-german_2245886b

  • How was the holiday Kylie?
  • Great ma, but I need a holiday to get over it
  • You didn’t get much of a tan did you?
  • The sun doesn’t shine indoors ma
  • I don’t know why you go away to the sun at all
  • Why?
  • You spend your whole time drinking and partying
  • That’s what holliers are for ma
  • Sure you could do that at home, save yourself a fortune
  • You sound like me nanny
  • I do not…wash your mouth out
  • You do
  • I’m only saying that it’s a shame to go away to the sun and not enjoy it
  • I did enjoy it
  • Did you even see the sun?
  • Yeah every morning on the way home
  • And you probably spent the day in bed
  • More or less yeah. I needed to build up me strength for the next night
  • You could have slept by the pool and got a tan at the same time
  • Sure by the time we got home the bleedin’ Germans already had their towels down. It’s impossible to get a sun bed by the pool
  •  Bloody Germans are always the same
  •  We got there before them one morning, there was murder
  • What happened
  •  ‘Zis iz my bed, you must move frauhlein, and where iz mein towel?
  • What did you say?
  • ‘I didn’t see your bleedin’ towel Adolf’ says I ‘now jog on son’ Then his bird started freaking out ‘I vill speak to ze manager. Vot haf you don wiz our towels?’Zis is our bed
  • I hope you told her to feck off,
  • I told her… “The sign says no towels on sunbeds before 8am, and we got here at 7 now back off Brunhilde , you’re blocking me sun”
  • The cheek of her
  • Anyway, they did feck off, but they arrived back an hour later when we were on our way to bed
  • So they got their beds back
  • No. we’d already given them  to two chaps from Glasgow
  • I’d like to have heard that conversation
  • ”Awee and bile yer head”
  • What?
  • That’s what the Scottish lads said to them
  • …and what does that mean?
  • Fucked if I know ma…but it got rid of them.

 

What am I rearing at all?

” She didn’t lick it off a stone” says Jimmy

I’m Going To Be Changing Things Up a Bit and I’ll Need Your Help

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Dream Big, Dream Often

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Altar Ego…Me ma would say mass if you let her

 

You know when some people say “I’d give anything just to have another hour with me ma” Well you know what I feel like saying to them sometimes? “Take mine, and keep her for as long as you like love”. They’d be throwing her back after five minutes I tell ye…

  • Morning ma
  • Morning Bernadette
  • So were you out this morning?
  • I was, no thanks to you
  • What do you mean
  • Oh nothing. I know you’re busy, it doesn’t matter
  • Jaysis ma, you know you can be such a pain in the arse
  • What did you say
  • I said…did you go to mass ?
  • I did. Your brother brought me
  • That’s nice
  • Bernard, not Frank
  • Good old St. Bernard
  • Leave Bernard alone
  • With pleasure
  • So how’s father Mulcahy?
  • Sure Fr. Mulcahy retired years ago Bernie
  • He gave me my first communion, bless him. So who’s doing mass now?
  • Father Slevin. Lovely chap from Cork, he does a lovely mass
  • Does he? That’s nice
  • Very uplifting sermon
  • Sounds great ma, and did you get a nice bit of communion as well?
  • For God’s sake Bernie, it’s the body of Christ, not a lump of roast beef from the butchers…a nice bit of communion…I ask you
  • Jaysis ma I was only enquiring
  • Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to mass..or confession for that matter
  • Christmas ma
  • Christmas? That’s shocking Bernie
  •  1989
  • Are you serious? I brought you up a good catholic girl and you don’t even go to mass
  • You don’t need to go to mass to be a good person ma
  • You need to thank god for your blessings
  • I can thank God at home ma
  • It’s not the same at all Why is it not the same? No point in being a hypocrite like some of them aul ones on your road
  • Who?
  • That Mrs. Crowley for starters. Up kissing the altar rails every morning then bitching about the other aul ones as soon as she gets as far as Tesco’s
  • Ah don’t mind that aul Biddy. You can’t compare other people to her. She’s an aul bitch. Sure didn’t her poor husband die just to get away from her
  • Didn’t you just get mass and communion ma?
  • I told you I did Bernie
  • Well I think you might need a trip to confession now, never mind me
  • Why
  • Calling Mrs. C an aul bitch
  • I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the lord himself know it
  • Holy jaysis ma
  • Stop taking the lords name in vain, there’s no need for it.
  • Says you slagging the neighbours
  • I’m not slagging, I’m just stating the obvious, but you’re forever blaspheming
  • Alright ma, get down off the altar will you for fuck sake
  • Stop cursing
  • Alright Mother Teresa, I’ll just go put the kettle on

That aul one is the giddy limit sometimes …