There is a crack in everything…That’s how the light gets in

sun-shining-through-the-clouds-2

  • What’s up with you today Bernie?
  • I’m just sad Jimmy
  • Everyone is sad today Ber
  • I just can’t believe it
  • Neither can I. It’s shocking
  • Shocking
  • What were they thinking?
  • Who?
  • The Americans
  • What’s it got to do with them?
  • They elected him
  • What? Who?
  • Trump
  • Would you ever fuck off Jimmy
  • What did I say now?
  • You think I give a shite about that orange sap today
  • I thought that’s why you were so sad
  • Why would I be sad about that gobshite?
  • It’s just so unbelievable. God help us all
  • They elected him, he’s President. End of story, nothing much we can do about it Jimmy
  • What’s up with you so?
  • Leonard Cohen died Jimmy
  • Ah fuck that Bernie, no way. Jaysis is there anyone decent left alive?
  • Puts things into perspective doesn’t it Jimmy?
  • Sure does Ber
  • …it’s time that we began
    to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again

Kimberly Mikado and Coconut Creams

kimberly.jpg

  • Put the kettle on Ber will ye
  • What’s up Lynn? You look worn out
  • I am worn out Bernie. I’ve been helping to look after Daves Ma since she got out of hospital
  • Ah how is she? I heard she had a bad fall
  • Who told you that?
  • Her friend May. I met her in Aldi last week. Said Vera broke her hip when she fell off a chair when she was cleaning the windows. ‘Wouldn’t ye think those lads of hers would clean her windows for her’ she said to me.
  • That fuckin’ aul one, I swear I’ll bleedin’ swing for her one of these days Bernie
  • Who May? Ah she’s a lovely aul skin
  • No, Daves ma. Broken hip my arse.
  • Ah but Lynn, she’s nearly eighty. She shouldn’t be climbing on chairs at her age, especially to clean windows
  • She never cleans her windows. Dave does them for her every Saturday. Her windows are bleedin’ cleaner than mine…and the only reason she was on a chair was to get her kimberly biscuits that she hides at the back of the cupboard with the mikado and coconut creams so no one else can eat them on her
  • ‘Someone you love would love some mum’..remember the ad Lynn?
  • She won’t eat anything else, she  only loves herself. Everyone else has to make do with custard creams. Just as well I’m fond of a custard cream Bernie
  • A broken hip but Lynn, that’s bad
  • Broken hip me arse Bernie. She has a few bruised ribs. She wouldn’t even have been in the hospital only Dave happened to call in when she was getting down off the chair with the biscuits under her arm. The shock of being caught made her trip over. She made such a palaver, he rang an ambulance for her. They only kept her in overnight because she was moaning so much about the pain. It didn’t stop her eating her biscuits though and sending for cups of tea every half hour. Dave had to sit with her in A and E for twelve hours .
  • So if she’s not that bad, why are you all looking after her then?
  • Because she’s a bleedin’ drama queen and loving all the attention. She’s insisting on someone staying with her every night in case she ‘falls’ again and she has us run ragged doing her housework and shopping for her. I told Dave she’s putting it on but he won’t hear a bad word said about her.
  • Well let him look after her then, she’s his mother, not yours
  • Well he has to work and so does Terry and John and their wives won’t go near the aul battleaxe.
  • What about his sisters?
  • Mary lives in Mayo. She keeps saying she’ll be up, but there’s no sign of her yet. Sandra lives in Monkstown and said there’s no way she can stay over and leave her kids at night. They’re  eighteen and twenty one for fuck sake, older than my Leanne and Spohie.
  • Shows how much they think of their mother then Lynn if they won’t come up and take care of her.
  • They know what she’s like Bernie. There’s nothing bleedin’ wrong with her. Sandra told me herself, her mas a hypochondriac and a guilt tripper
  • That’s a shocking thing to say about your ma
  • Well not if Vera was your ma. Sandra is right. She just loves people running around after her
  • So who’s with her now then?
  • I’m supposed to be but I told her I was nipping out to the shop to buy a packet of biscuits for the tea. I left her stretched out like mother of sorrows watching Loose Women
  • Loose women finished half an hour ago Lynn
  • I know. I went home to make me beds before I came here
  • Where’s the biscuits then?
  • In me bag
  • kimberly?
  • No
  • Mikado?
  • No
  • Coconut creams?
  • No. Custard creams
  • But I thought…
  • She hates custard creams
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • Thanks Ber.

 

Dead or Alive

dead-or-alive-you-spin-me-round

  • See that chap died
  • What chap?
  • Used to wear an eye patch in the eighties
  • Mr. Doran from the flats?
  • No, he was a singer
  • Dr. Hook?
  • No
  • Captain Sensible
  • Who ?
  • Oh forget it…em Bryan Ferry
  • No
  • Fuck sake Jimmy, what did he look like?
  • I told you, he wore an eye patch
  • David Bowie wore an eye patch one time but he’s already dead
  • I think he became a woman
  • Who David Bowie
  • No, the chap with the eye patch…oh wait, I just remembered. Pete Burns
  • Ah no way…Dead or Alive
  • Dead I told you Bernie, jaysis keep up will ye
  • No Jimmy, I mean he was in the band ‘Dead or Alive’
  • Oh right yeah
  • You spin me right round baby right round…
  • …like a record baby, right round round round
  • Aww I loved that song
  • Was that the only song he had?
  • Must be. I don’t remember another one. Last time I saw him was in Celebrity Big Brother
  • That pile of shite?
  • He ruined himself with all that plastic surgery. He was a fine thing back in the day, especially with the eye patch
  • It’s a mugs game that plastic surgery lark
  • He said if he ever died and went to Heaven, God wouldn’t recognise him
  • I’d say he didn’t  recognise himself when he looked in the mirror Ber
  • God love him all the same. You know he was supposed to be on Loose Women this morning
  • I’m sure he’ll be spinning right round that he missed that one Bernie
  • Don’t be mean Jimmy

 

R.I.P. Pete

Loose woman

housework

 

  • Are you sitting there all day?
  • I just sat down to have a coffee is that alright?
  • You were sitting there when I left this morning
  • Because I was only after making your breakfast and hanging out the washing and I fancied a cup of tea and a slice of toast for me own breakfast while I watched Lorraine
  • You’ve a great life all the same, cups of tea and coffee and breaks whenever you like
  • I’m only after sitting down I told you
  • I believe ye, thousands wouldn’t
  • Believe what you like, now excuse me, til I catch the end of Loose Women
  • I wish I had time to watch Loose Women
  • You can’t stand Loose Women?
  • I know but it beats working your arse off on a bulding site
  • You’re not the only one who works you know. I’m on the go all morning
  • But you’re at home all day. You’re your own boss Bernie
  • Am I really? Oh by the way, we had visitors earlier
  • Visitors?
  • Yeah,Kim and Aggie called at nine this morning, they hoovered the hall stairs and landing while they were here
  • What?
  • Yeah, then they cleaned out the  bathroom and the ensuite, mopped the floors, cleaned the windows, changed the duvets, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, then put on three loads of washing. I told them not to get in Alans way while they were hanging it out on the line
  • Alan?
  • Titchmarsh…he was out doing a bit of weeding before planting the spring bulbs.
  • Is that right
  • yeah.Two hours he was out there. Jamie came in just as he was leaving
  • Jamie who?
  • Jamie Oliver. He made a lovely sheperds pie for your dinner…from scratch.
  • Very nice, and did he make any dessert?
  • He was going to make an apple crumble and custard but I told him not to bother
  • Why?
  • BECAUSE HE WAS BLEEDIN’ KNACKERED AND WANTED TO SIT DOWN FOR TWENTY MINUTES WITH A COFFEE AND WATCH LOOSE WOMEN
  • Calm down Bernie. Sure can’t we open a tin of fruit and have it with some ice cream instead.
  • Get out of me way Jimmy before I lose me mind. I’m missing me programme, and you’re getting on me last nerve.
  • You just can’t get the staff these days Ber

 

Men!!

Silence of the lambs (Budget 2017)

sheep

  • What’s happening in the budget Bernie?
  • You mean how much of a rise are you getting in your pension ma?
  • Well yeah
  • A fiver ma
  • Five euro. They broke their heart didn’t they?
  • Miserable shites. Sure what good is a fiver to anyone?
  •  Big splash out for Christmas what Bernie?
  • I don’t think so ma. You won’t be getting it until March
  • March? Next March? Sure I could be dead by then
  • You and the rest of them. D’ye know they say one elderly person dies of the cold every seven minutes in the U.K. in January ma
  • Just as well I don’t live in the U.K. then Bernadette isn’t it.
  • They do seem to get colder winters than us alright ma
  • That extra fiver could have gone on me gas bill, or a few bales of briquettes
  • I can’t believe they expect people to wait until March, but sure it’ll still be cold in March
  • Sure I mightn’t be here next week Bernadette, never mind next March
  • You say that every year ma
  • Well it’s true. I’m not getting any younger you know
  • None of us are ma…Here look.  Didn’t the feckers only give themselves a rise of five grand yesterday
  • Are ye serious?  How sneaky is that, doing it before the budget.They certainly look after themselves don’t they?
  • …and you may be sure they won’t have to wait until next year
  • As me own poor mother used to say lord rest her ‘Live horse and you’ll eat grass’
  • Or even  sheep ma
  • What d’ye mean sheep?
  • They’re giving 25million euro to animal welfare for sheep
  • They kept that one quiet didn’t they?
  • The politicians or the sheep?
  • The politicians ye big eejit. But what the hell are the sheep going to do with 25million euro, can you tell me?
  • I dunno, spend it on new woolly coats for the winter maybe?
  • ..and what about the cows ? How much are they getting?
  • Cows don’t wear woolly coats ma
  • Very funny Bernadette, but I’d say the sheep are only delighted
  • Wouldn’t ewe be ma…wouldn’t ewe?
  • I see what ewe did there Bernadette
  • Ah ma you’re gas…so tell us…any plans for your fiver?
  • I’m thinking of buying meself a little lamb, what d’ye think
  • Get two ma, they’re small
  • That’s not a baaaaaad idea Bernadette.

 

And yiz think I’m bad!!

#Itsnotok

trumpa-lumpa

 

  • What d’ye think of that gobshite Trump?
  • Don’t get me started on that Oompa Loompa sleaze bag Jimmy
  • Ye don’t like him then?
  • Like him? I’d like to box the head off him, the dirty fecker
  • ‘Locker room banter’ says he
  • I don’t care where he was…in a bar, in the office, at the bleedin’ bus stop…it’s not OK to treat women like that
  • Giving all of us men a bad name he is
  • Thank God all men aren’t like him.
  • He thinks he can do as he likes because of who he is…malignant little fucker
  • Imagine groping a woman just because you feel like it.
  • Not nice Bernie. Not nice.
  • I’d like to see him try grope me, he wouldn’t know what hit him
  • Jaysis Bernie, I wouldn’t fancy his chances
  • He’d have a fair chance of having his mickey in a splint Jimmy
  • Ouch Bernie
  • …and that’s only for starters. The state of him, the manky git
  • I think Hillary could do with you on her team
  • I’m not saying I’m all for Hillary either but jaysis, she’s better than that dirt bag
  • He thinks he’s invincible Bernie. Is there anyone he won’t target to get to the top? Immigrants? Jews? Mexicans?Muslims? Gays?
  • How the hell did he get to be a presidential candidate?
  • Fucked if I know or understand Americans Ber
  • His supporters love him, they don’t care what he says or does
  • He’s making eejits out of them all.
  • Brainwashed  by a perverted oompa loompa with a bad hair do
  • God help America
  • God help us all…

Breaking Brad

brad

Waiting for a lift home from the Bingo…Sure you may as well be waiting for Brad Pitt…

 

  • Heya Bernie, are you waiting for Jimmy to pick you up?
  • No, Brad Pitt Breda
  • Aren’t we all Bern? aren’t we all?
  • He tried to pick me up once you know
  • In your dreams Bernie
  • He wasn’t always only in me dreams
  • Yeah right
  • 1996 it was
  • Seriously ? Where?
  • In The Black Lion in Inchicore
  • What was Brad Pitt doing in Inchicore Ber?
  • He was making that movie ‘The Devils Own’
  • Wasn’t he with Gwyneth Paltrow back then?
  • Jealous wagon
  • Really? Why?
  • ‘Cos he told me I was beautiful
  • Brad Pitt said you were beautiful?
  • ..and why are you looking so surprised?
  • .Brad Pitt like Ber…
  • ‘Hello beautiful’ he said
  • No way…and what did you say?
  • ‘Hello yourself’ I said
  • Is that it? I thought you said he tried to pick you up?
  • Well he would’ve only the Gwyneth one came over ‘Your pint is here Brad’ says she and dragged him off into a corner
  • You’re right Ber…jealous wagon.
  • I know. He kept looking over and smiling at me. ‘He fancies you’ said Julie to me
  • Jaysis Bernie. Imagine, Brad Pitt fancying ye
  • She was disgusted
  • Who Julie?
  • No Gwyneth. If looks could kill, I’d be brown bread
  • I’d say she was Bernie. Wouldn’t you be?
  • You’d want to see the dirty looks she gave me when I smiled back. Very possessive she was, kept rubbing his face and running her fingers through his hair
  • It’s more than his face I’d be rubbing Bernie
  • You’re such a durtburd Breda, but I know what you mean
  • So, what happened then?
  • He winked at me when she was whispering in his ear. Jaysis, me belly was doing the tango
  • Did she see him winking at you?
  • She must have. they were sitting right across from us.Me and Julie were sitting at the bar having a ham sambo and a bowl of soup.
  • Was that it?
  • Ah no we had a pint as well
  • I mean, is that all that happened with Brad?
  • No, he came over when they were leaving.  He looked at my wedding ring when I lifted my spoon to drink my soup and he said ‘Why are all the beautiful girls taken?’
  • Oh scarlet for ye Bernie, and what did you say?
  • Well I wanted to say ‘give us your number love and I’ll call ye when me divorce comes through, but Gwynnie gave me the evils again and pushed him through the door. I never saw him again…well except in the movies
  • Imagine you and Brad Bernie
  • His loss Breda. But Brads not the type to break up someone else’s marriage
  • No, just his own Bernie. Poor Jennifer
  • Yeah, I like Jen
  • Would you have been #BerBrad  #BradBer  or #Bradnie?
  • It would have to be #BradBer. Bradnie sounds like an arthiritic knee Breda, and BerBrad sounds like he’s in his nip.
  • Oooh lovely
  • Bare Brad yeah I could handle that
  • Did you tell Jimmy?
  • He thought it was hilarious
  • What, that Brad Pitt fancied you?
  • That I fancied Brad. Jimmy thinks Brad is a wanker
  • Touch of the green eye there Ber
  • In fairness he thinks Pierce Brosnan is a wanker as well, and I don’t even like Pierce Brosnan
  • I think Pierce is a ride meself
  • I thought so too until I saw him in Mama Mia. Jaysis, what was he thinking?
  • Yeah, he was shite in that alright
  • Shocking altogether. At least Brad never made a show of himself in a movie
  • What about ‘Snatch’ Bernie? That accent…jaysis
  • Oh yeah, forgot about that one…Hilarious
  • Is that your phone ringing ?
  • Yeah, hang on. Jaysis, there’s so much shite in this handbag I can’t find it
  • Hurry up will ye. It might be Brad.
  • I am hurrying, jaysis, hold on to your knickers will ye, ah feck it’s stopped ringing now. I hope he rings me back because I’ve no credit
  • Was it Jimmy?
  • Colin Farrell. I told him I’m married but he still keeps ringing me
  • Does Jimmy like Colin Farrell?
  • No, he thinks he’s a little bolix. Ah look it’s ringing again, hold on…’howya Brad, where are ye? Any sign of Angelina?… No way, ah she’s probably stuck for a babysitter…right so, see ye in a bit. Love you too hun. Bye, byebyebyebye
  • Jimmy?
  • Yeah, he’s waiting around the corner, couldn’t get parking
  • I couldn’t see Brad picking you up from Bingo could you Ber?
  • He’d be good with the kids but Breda
  • That’s not what Angelina says
  • Don’t mind her, she should have stuck with Billy Bob
  • #JimBer or #Berjim Bernie?
  • #BerJim of course
  • Pass the sick bucket Bernie

Eat your heart out Brangelina