Broken hearted girl

Gary rang our Whitney everyday when she got back from Australia. She refused to talk to him. So he started ringing the house phone at all hours of the day and night. I got fed up of him so I  left him up to Jimmy …

Can I speak to Whitney please.

It’s three o’clock in the morning, how many times were you told to stop ringing here? Some of us have to get up for work in the morning.

Please Jimmy, let me talk to her.

Don’t you ‘please Jimmy’ me, ye little bollix.

Sorry Mr. Violet.

She doesn’t want to talk to you.

I just want to explain.

What’s to explain? You got my daughter pregnant and then had sex with another woman in her bed.

It wasn’t what it looked like.

What was it like then?

She just came over to talk about work, and…

And, you decided to talk business in bed?

It just happened. We didn’t plan it.

So I suppose her knickers just fell down and she tripped over and landed on your mickey.

Yeah, I’d be speechless too if that happened me.

Can I just speak to Whitney?

I told you she doesn’t want to talk to you, now stop calling this house.

But, she won’t answer her mobile.

Because she doesn’t want to talk to you, can you not take a hint?

I just need to talk to her for a minute.

How many times do you have to be told…SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, NOW FUCK OFF. 

But…

Do you have a death wish or what? Because if you ring here again, you’re dead. I don’t care if you’re on the other side of the world.’I will find you and I will kill you’.  (Jimmy fancies himself as a bit of a Liam Neeson figure since we watched that movie, Taken. )

 

He obviously didn’t take Jimmy seriously (silly boy), and I have to say, he’s a persistent little fucker.He actually rang again; he was lucky Jimmy was in work. Even thought she was  broken hearted, Whitney still wouldn’t talk to him. I don’t blame her, I told the little bolix, he’s lucky she doesn’t have her mothers temperament because if I’d been in her situation, I’d have chopped his balls off.

 

 

 

#W is forWheelchair friendly #AtoZChallenge

  • I’m of to the bingo Jimmy
  • This early?It’s only half five
  • I’m collecting me ma
  • Maisie’s going to bingo? I thought she couldn’t walk
  • We got a loan of a wheelchair for her
  • Whacker Byrne has a wheelchair friendly bus now has he?
  • No,he’s bleedin’ useless, so we’ve to walk, that’s why I’m leavin’ so early
  • I don’t know how he gets any passengers for the Bingo run at all, sure aren’t they all half dead
  • Here fuck off you, who’re you callin’ half dead?
  • Well apart from yerself and Julie and the Maureen one, they all have one foot in the grave
  • That’s shocking talk Jimmy Violet. They all love the bingo, it’s the only outing they have all week
  • Don’t they get to mass as well, and I’m sure they have a funeral a week to go to. There can’t be too many of them left at this stage. I think Whacker is in the wrong business Ber…he should be driving limos for the undertakers, and he’d get less grief from his passengers.
  • Well he’ll be getting grief off me when I see him, refusing to take me mas wheelchair. He can stick his bus up his swiss from now on. Right I’d better go, me ma will be hangin’ out the window waitin’ for me
  • …and how are ye gettin’ home?
  • We’ll get a taxi if we win
  • …and if ye don’t win?
  • Then I’ll be knackered walkin’
  • Ye can’t be pushin’ Maisie in the dark Ber ,I’ll pick you up.
  • Sure you’ll be in the pub Jimmy, and anyway will a wheelchair even fit into the back of your van with all that shite?
  • It’s not shite, it’s me tools for work Bernie, and sure I’ll go the pub later. Isn’t the bingo over at ten?
  • Yeah but I can’t see a wheelchair fitting in, and sure me ma can’t climb up into that front seat of  the van anyway.
  • I’ll hoosh her up
  • Hoosh her? Me ma is eighty five and she’s just had a knee operation Jimmy, ye can’t hoosh her anywhere
  • I’m only tryin’ to help Bernie, go on and walk so.
  • Ah go on so, but give us a lift to me mas first will ye Jimmy.
  • Will YOU be able to get up into the seat Ber?
  • Sure can’t ye hoosh me up Jimmy
  • I’ll hoosh you any time Bernie
  • Is that a threat Jimmy?
  • It’s a promise Ber
  • You’re right, I am a soft touch.
  • I’ll let ye know.
  • Dirty minded fecker, here you may as well bring us to the Bingo while you’re at it. Get a bit of practice in for when you collect us
  • Ah you’re pushing it now Ber
  • No I’m not. I’m getting a lift off you.

Just as well he collected us; we won feck all again!

Elvis… Always on my mind

Me and Lynn went to an Elvis tribute night down the pub last night. They were celebrating the 40th anniversary of his death. Forty years!! Can you believe it?

 

Elvis

  • Where were you when Elvis died Bernie?
  • You mean the exact minute he died or when I heard he died?
  • When you heard he died of course…how would you know the exact minute he died unless you were there in the bathroom with him.
  • That is if he really died in the bathroom Lynn.That could just be a story, a cover up for what really happened.
  • Why would they say he died in the bathroom if he didn’t? You’ve a very’ suspicious mind’ Bernie
  • You know them Americans all love a good story, a crazy headline. ‘Elvis dies watching telly’ doesn’t’ have the same impact as ‘Elvis dies on the jax eating a burger’
  •  I don’t think they said he did eating a burger. I think they said he’d eaten a burger before he died.
  • Well they were hardly going to say he’d eaten a salad with cous cous and a glass of still water were they?
  •  I don’t think Elvis was much of a salad eater
  • Neither is that chap onstage by the look of him
  • He’s a big chap alright
  •  ‘The King is dead’ isn’t that what they said?
  •  I can’t remember but that is a good headline. Click bait…isn’t that what they’d call it now?
  • If it was today, it would be on twitter with a picture of the burger before the ambulance arrived
  • There’s not much privacy these days is there Bern?
  • I was in me grannies having a bowl of cornflakes
  • What?
  • ‘…When Elvis died. You asked me where I was when Elvis died.  I was staying in me grannies with Imelda when me ma was in hospital having our Aaron
  • Did your ma call him Aaron after Elvis because it was his middle name and he was born the day Elvis died?
  • No she called him Elvis after Elvis, but he was slagged in school over it so he told everyone his name was Aaron
  • So is his middle name Aaron too?
  • No, it’s  Bartley …after me granda. Aaron is his third name
  • Elvis Bartley Aaron?
  • Yeah,shite isn’t it? Scarlet for him. He reckoned Aaron was better than Bartley
  • I don’t blame him
  • Me granda wasn’t too please but
  • Who the fuck calls their child Bartley?
  • My great granny, that’s who. Anyway, it was on the nine o’clock news that morning
  • What was?
  • About Elvis dying, for  jaysis sake Lynn, keep up will you
  • Sorry Bernie, I’m still thinking about poor Aaron
  • Me granny always listened to RTE radio in the mornings…The news and Gay Byrne, every morning. I couldn’t believe it.
  • I couldn’t believe people listened to Gay Byrne either
  • No, I couldn’t believe Elvis was dead, for fuck sake Lynn, how many vodkas have you had?
  • Not enough obviously, judging by this conversation
  • Me sister was bawling crying. Imelda loved Elvis. She had posters of him on our bedroom wall
  • I had Donny Osmond and David Cassidy
  •  I had T. Rex. You know Marc Bolan died exactly a month after Elvis?… in a car crash on the way home from a party in Rod Stewart’s gaff.
  •  That’s a real rock n roll way to die isn’t it? Elvis might have been the King but his death wasn’t very rock n roll was it?
  • He’d be eighty one if he was still alive
  • He wouldn’t be shaking his hips much on a zimmerframe at eighty one Bernie
  • Sure he’d have had new hips by now
  • And a few face lifts, trying to stay young like the rest of them
  • He’ll be forever young
  • Wearing his blue suede shoes
  • Some people say he never died…  Another cover up
  • Where is he then?
  • God only knows, living on some tropical island with Marc Bolan and Buddy Holly.
  • My ma loved Buddy Holly
  • Mine too. You know she wanted to call me Peggy Sue
  • Seriously? Yeah, but me da put his foot down, said no child of his was being called after his mother in law
  • You’re grannies name was Peggy Sue?
  • No, Margaret, but everyone called her Peggy
  • I need another drink Bernie
  • I’ll call the waitress… ”Excuse me love, two double vodkas and coke when you’re ready”… He was only twenty two, Lord rest him
  • Who?
  • Buddy fucking Holly. Do you want to go out and come back in Lynn, because you’re not with it tonight
  • Ask me hoop Bernie. I can’t keep up with all these dead celebs
  • You shouldn’t have come to an Elvis tribute show then
  • You’re just confusing me, anyway I thought he was older. He looked older but didn’t he?
  • Who Elvis?
  • No, Buddy Holly, jaysis, now who’s confused?
  •  I think it was the glasses.
  • He did really die though
  • I hope so…they buried him
  • You’re getting worse Bernie. Here, this Elvis chap is a long time on his break isn’t he?
  • Probably sent out for a burger. I hope he’s not eating it on the jax
  • I’m going to ask him to sing Blue Christmas when he comes back
  • It’s bleedin’ August Lynn!
  • He’s an Elvis tribute and I want to hear Blue Christmas
  • Whatever floats your boat love, anyway he died in a plane crash
  • I thought he died on the jax
  • Not Elvis; Buddy Holly ye big eejit
  • I told you to stop confusing me
  • So did Patsy Cline. Our Patsy is named after her
  • Are all your family named after famous dead people then?
  • Yeah, except me. I’m named after saint Bernadette
  • She’s dead
  • She wasn’t famous though…except in the catholic church I suppose
  • So many stars died too soon Bernie… Michael Jackson… Prince…Freddie Mercury
  • …Bob Marley…Jim Morrison..
  • David Bowie… I loved David Bowie
  •  Jimi Hendrix…
  • Amy Winehouse.
  • Karen Carpenter…. jaysis we’re very cheerful tonight aren’t we?
  • Marilyn
  • I thought Marilyn Manson was still alive?
  • No Marilyn Monroe
  • Hardly a rock star but
  • Oh I thought we were just talking about dead stars
  • We were talking about Elvis
  • Oh yeah
  • So where were YOU then?
  • When?
  • When Elvis died?
  • Fucked if I can remember Bernie, sure I was only five
  • You were in your swiss! I think we should just listen to the music and have ‘A little less conversation’ Lynn,yeah?
  • Here he is back onstage, throw your knickers at him Bernie, I dare you. ”G’WAN ELVIS … you aint nothin’ but a hound dog…”

I sometimes wonder how I’m still friends with this girl!

 

 

The fourteen year old virgin

This is an actual conversation that I over heard between two young girls on a very bus last Saturday. I’m still not the better of it…

Are you still  with Cory?

Yeah.

D’ye love him?

Yeah, I suppose, whatever love is. Did you love him when you were with him?

Yeah, I mean, he’s really good looking, and he’s minted. Not that I knew he was minted when I was with him, like, that’s not why I was with him.

I knew he was minted, but that’s not why I’m with him.

He’s gorgeous, isn’t he?But I don’t like the way he knows he’s gorgeous, and he knows all the girls are mad for him.

I’ll probably lose me virginity to him. did you?

I did in me hole. Are you really going to?

 I probably will, like, I don’t really want to but we’re in a stable relationship so, yeah.

How long are you with him?

Three weeks. He thinks he’s me best friend, I told him he was,but he’s not

You just have to tell them what they want to hear, don’t you?

Yeah, I mean, Jade will always be me best friend.

Oh.

Oh what? Did you think you were?

NO! 

Anyway, we’ll probably do it soon. He really wants to.

Well if you don’t, someone else will, because he really is gorgeous.

Yeah, and like, his gaff is huge, like the length of three houses and three stories high.

It must be massive.

It is, and he even has a trampoline out his back garden.

Very nice. 

Did you lose your virginity yet?

Shut up, the whole bus can hear you.

Let them, so tell us, did you lose it? Are you still single?

Yeah I’m still single.

How long are you single now?

About six months.

 And still a virgin.

Shurrup, so are you.

Not for much longer.

Are you dying to lose your virginity?

Shhhh, I’m scarlet.  (I think we already know the answer love)

Come on then, this is our stop.

 

Well, when they stood up and walked down the bus, I couldn’t believe my eyes. They were only about thirteen or fourteen years of age. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  I feel sorry for kids today. They don’t get to be kids for long do they? When I was their age, I was still reading Enid Blyton books and playing skipping out on the road with me pals. The only thing I ever lost was me bus fare.

 

 

 

Empty Nest (round two)

 

It was early May. The weather was lovely, and I was looking forward to a relaxing summer in the garden, dining Al fresco at our new patio set;Jimmy barbecuing a few steaks while I tossed a nice salad and poured us both  a cool beer. We were going to enjoy balmy nights on our loungers,listening to music, chatting, drinking wine and worrying about no one but ourselves.  It was the first time we’d lived alone since we were first married; before the twins were born.

Whitney was in Australia with her waste of a space boyfriend, on a two year working visa.  Jason was working in the building trade (just like his da) in Canada,Rick had moved to Galway with his new job and was sharing a house with a few lads from work. Kylie, pissed off with her job at the beauty salon, handed in her notice and fecked off to Ibiza, to do God knows what, and Koko  was back packing around Europe with her pals before starting college in September.

Everyone had warned us of empty nest syndrome, said we’d be so lonely and wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves. My arse! I’ve been here before, and they all came back like bleedin’ boomerangs, so this time we were going to make the most of it.We were going to love every minute of it…and when I say minute…

We’d just got back from the airport after dropping Koko at the departures.

Will I carry you over the threshold Bernie?

Feck off, Jimmy, we’re not newly weds, and anyway you have a bad back.

You’re right, Bernie, and you’re not as slim as you were back then. Better not risk it.

Are you saying I’m fat?

I wouldn’t dare.

Whatever…right, I’m just going to take off these jeans and put me shorts on while you fire up the barbie and pop that box of beer into the fridge.

This reminds me of when we really were newlyweds, Bernie.

Aww, does it?

Yeah, you stripping off the minute we got home and then telling me what to do.

Jimmy Violet! You’re a dirty git. 

Get away out of that, you love it.

Go on, I’ll let you rub some factor fuck all into me back if you’re good.

I’ll be up in a minute so, and I promise, I’ll be very good.

You’re incorrigible, Jimmy Violet. Ah for gods sake, is that my phone ringing?  I hope it’s not me ma. I’ll never get out to the sun at this rate.

 

Hello?

Hiya ma.

Whitney love, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. I thought you were Facetiming me on Sunday?

I couldn’t wait until Sunday ma.

Why? Is everything ok?

I have some news.

Good or bad?

Both.

Go on…

I lost me job.

Again? That’s the third one since you got there.

But the good news is, I’m coming home.

What? Why? Seriously?

Don’t sound too excited ma.

But I thought you loved Australia. 

Not anymore ma.

Why? 

It’s a long story, but can we stay until I get meself sorted?

I don’t think your da would be too happy to have Gary Boylan living under his roof.

Gary isn’t coming with me ma.

But you said ‘we’, Whitney.

I’m pregnant ma.

Holy mother of divine. What do you mean pregnant?

Pregnant, it means having a baby.

I know what pregnant means.

So?

Aren’t you going to congratulate me?

I’m still trying to get my head around it. How the hell did you manage to get pregnant?

The usual way ma.

Don’t be cheeky miss.

Well, you did ask.

For gods sake, WhitneyI meant , with all the protection available in this day and age, how did you get caught?

Get caught? Jaysis ma, it’s not the nineteen fifties.

All the more reason for you not to be getting pregnant at your age.

I’m twenty three ma.

You’ve your whole life ahead of you Whitney. You said you were going to travel the world before settling down.

I’m in Australia ma. how far around the world do you want me to go? And who said anything about settling down?

Well what else would you be doing with a new baby?

Living my life ma, not worrying about a mortgage and life insurance.

A baby is a big responsibility, Whitney, and you will have to worry about getting somewhere to live…and life insurance. How far gone are you?

Four months.

FOUR MONTHS? And you’re only telling me now.

I kept putting it off, ’cause I knew you’d be disappointed, and I know you don’t like Gary.

I’m not disappointed, and who said I don’t like Gary?

You did. I heard you telling da that Gary was a sleeveen.

If you love him, it doesn’t matter what I think. Is he going to stay in his mas gaff until you get your own place?

He’s not coming home, he’s staying in Australia.

That fucking sleeveen gets you pregnant, and now he’s letting you come home on your own?

He’s not ‘letting’ me ma. It’s my decision.

The little bastard. Your da will batter him.

I already did that ma.

What do you mean?

Well, that’s how I lost me job.

I’m not with you.

I came home early because of morning sickness, and I caught him in bed with me boss.

She’s in bed with your fella, and she fires you?

Well, I didn’t get fired exactly.

What ‘exactly’ happened?

I dragged her fat arse out of my bed and threw her out into the garden in her nip.

You could have done yourself and the baby an injury.

She had the cheek to threaten me with the sack, so I told her to stick her job up her hole.

And what about him?

I haven’t seen him since I gave him a few wallops and threw him out after her. He’s not speaking to me.

He’s not speaking to you? The bloody cheek of him. 

I know. I even threw out the clothes they’d left on the floor, so it’s not as if they were naked for long.

That was nice of you. So why is he annoyed with you? The little gurrier.

I put all of his stuff in bags out on the pavement when they left.

You’re too soft for your own good, Whitney. I’ve always said it. I wouldn’t have wasted the bin bags on him.

Well, the garbage men were calling that morning soooo…

Good girl yourself.

I also gave the keys of the apartment back to the landlord, and because I didn’t give notice, he only gave back half of the deposit. So, I used it to buy a ticket home.

 I suppose he’s moved in with the dirty hussy.

I doubt it.

Why?

I don’t think her husband would be too pleased, that’s if he doesn’t kick her out.

She has a husband?Does he know about his cheating bitch of a wife?

He does now.

Talk about Hell hath no fury.

So, you’re not mad  with me anymore?

I wouldn’t go that far, Whit.

But I can come home?

Of course you can love. You don’t have to ask. This will always be your home.

What about da? 

Ah he can stay as well.

Do you think he’ll do his nut when he hears?

I’m sure he will, but he’ll get over it.

Grand, will you ask him to pick me up from the airport?

When are you arriving?

Half an hour ago.

Are you serious? We’ve just come there after  dropping Koko off.

Nice one, so I’ve the bedroom to meself then.

 

Empty nest my arse!

JIMMY!

I’m coming love. I’m coming.

I don’t think so granddad.

 

XYZ Rude sausage joke alert! #AtoZchallenge

XYZ

 

Ok so I’m cheating a bit, but as you know I’ve been way behind my AtoZ this month. It’s not everyday  that I have a conversation to relay to you, and today is one of those days so I’m lumping XY and Z in together. I only found out recently that XYZ is slang for eXamine Your Zipper, to let someone know their fly is open, and it brought to mind one of Jimmy’s many rude jokes. If you’re easily offended, please stop reading now…if you like a bit of dirt, carry on. But remember it’s not my joke, but it is the end of my #AprilAtoZblogging challenge.

 

Paddy and Mick fancy a few pints but it’s a few days to payday and they only have one euro between them, so, hatching what they think is a brilliant plan, they go to the butchers and spend it on a large sausage. They go into the first pub and order a pint each and two whiskey chasers. They down the pints and whiskey , then Paddy opens his fly and sticks the sausage in. Mick gets down on his knees and puts the sausage in his mouth. the barman goes berserk and throws them out, forgetting they haven’t paid for their drinks yet. They continue with this in several more pubs, getting drunker and drunker on all of the free drink. After about the tenth pub Mick says ‘Paddy, I don’t know how long more I can do this, I’m pissed as a fart and me knees are killin’ me’. ‘How do you think I feel?’ says Paddy ‘Sure I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in’.

 

Jimmy thinks this is hilarious, and it’s a lot cleaner than some of his other jokes. I hope no one is too offended  😉

V is for…Very rude to visitors #AtoZchallenge

V

 

I told you before that Maisie thinks she can say what she likes, and she usually does. Now that she’s in hospital, she’s even worse than ever before. Me auntie Lil (Ma’s sister in law, who she cant stand) popped in to visit her the other evening. We all know that auntie Lil would talk about herself as long as anyone would listen to her, but Maisie really wasn’t in the mood for her that day.

  • Maisie, Its great to see you looking so well.
  • I’m in hospital Lil, how could I be looking well?
  • When I was in hospital…
  • I don’t want to hear it Lil.
  • I was just trying to make conversation.
  • That’s not conversation, that’s telling me all about your  kidney stones.
  • I thought you’d be interested.
  • I was, the first twenty times you told me.
  • Always the exaggerator Margaret.
  • Whatever, LILIAN, so come on, have you any other news?…and don’t talk about yourself when you’re here; sure we’ll do that when you leave.

Auntie Lil didn’t stay long, and I’ll be very surprised if she comes back.

 

 

 

 

Unhappy #AtoZchallenge

U

I remember when we were only newlyweds, I got chatting in the pub to a neighbour who used to live beside me ma. He was as old as Maisie. (probably about fifty five at the time)

  • Hiya Brian, how are you?
  • There y’are Bernie, I’m grand, all things considering.
  • How’s Mary?
  • Still alive. She’s over there in the corner waiting for her drink.
  • So, what has you out of a Tuesday night then?
  • It’s our wedding anniversary.
  • So why are you looking so unhappy then?
  • I told you; she’s still alive.
  • Get away out of that Brian,How many years are you married?
  • Too many.
  • Ah stop, you’re an awful messer. I bet you’ve been happily married for longer than me and Jimmy.
  • Happily married, Bernie? there’s no such thing. You’re either happy or you’re married; you can’t be both.

I must admit when I saw the frosty face on Mary sitting in the corner, I knew what he meant. God love him, me ma said she was an awful moan bag. I never found out how many years they were married. He ran off with Lydia around the corner six months later. Maisie said she was only surprised he’d stayed so long.

How many of you are as happily married as Mary and Brian?