Meeting

I swear, the more kids I’ve had, the more they drove me mad. I don’t remember having the same trouble with Kylie as I do with Coco.

She’s a right cheeky madame, even started spelling her name with a K. Thinks she’s one of them Kardashian girls. ” What’s wrong with Coco Chanel, who you were named after?” says I to her. ” She’s dead ma” was the reply. I told you she’s a cheeky bitch

  • Where were you?
  • What do you mean?
  • I mean where were you…what do you think I mean?
  • Where do you think I was?
  • Don’t get smart with me young lady and don’t keep answering my questions with more questions. Now, where were you?
  • In school
  • School finished over an hour ago, and it only takes ten minutes to walk home
  • I was talking to me friend
  • Who’s your friend?
  • You don’t know him
  • Him? Who’s him
  • I told you. Me friend
  • Is he your boyfriend?
  • Ma!!
  • What?
  • What?
  • Is he?
  • No…. Yeah
  • Serious? How long are you going out with him?
  • Going out? What’s going out?
  • Dating?
  • Nobody days dating anymore ?
  • What do they say?
  • They don’t say anything. I’m just meeting him
  • You’re only fifteen Coco. I don’t want you ‘meeting’ boys
  • Give over ma
  • I won’t give over. I’ve heard of this “meeting” and it’s more than just actually meeting
  • You haven’t a clue ma
  • I’ve got five kids
  • What’s that got to do with anything
  • I know where “kissing with tongues” leads
  • Ma, stop it
  • No I won’t stop it. You need to have some self respect, not like some of the little trollops up that school, who drop their knickers when they’re barely out of nappies
  • Ah ma, stop exaggerating
  • I’m not exaggerating
  • …and I’m not dropping me knickers for anyone
  • Good
  • Grand
  • So, who is he then?
  • Ah ma…
  • I’ll find out. You know I will…
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Air Rage

 

plane in air

I’m just back from Benidorm. We had a fab time, but when I got on the plane all I wanted to do was sleep, I was so wrecked. This drinking and partying every night takes its toll you know.

Anyway, I was just settling down for a nice snooze after take off when the little brat behind me, starts kicking the back of my seat. I turned and gave him and his mother a dirty look but he continued kicking throughout the flight.

When the drinks trolley arrived, it stopped briefly as they put down their trays. He got a kids snack box with biscuits and hoola hoops and a can of coke, she got a vodka and a can of Heineken. She proceeded to pour the Heino into the glass of vodka and lowered it in one before pressing her buzzer to order another round. The child put his tray back in place and continued with his kicking marathon. the coke seemed to have given him more energy as the kicking became more fierce. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  • Are you going to control your child?
  • I beg your pardon?
  • Can you tell him to stop kicking my seat please
  • Stop kicking the ladies seat Benjamin, there’s a good boy
  • Thank you

He stopped kicking for two minutes, then started again

  • Your mammy told you to stop kicking my seat, did you not hear her?
  • Yeah
  • Well can you stop please
  • No
  • Excuse me?
  • I don’t want to
  • I don’t care what you want…just stop kicking my fucking seat
  • Don’t speak to my son like that
  • Tell your son to stop kicking my seat
  • I did
  • Tell him again!
  • Benjamin, the lady is in a bad mood so just take your feet away from the back of her seat, good boy
  • The lady is in a bad mood because your little brat wont stop kicking my seat
  • My son is not a brat
  • Yes he is, and if you can’t control him, I will
  • How dare you!
  • How dare you bring a child on a plane and let him do as he pleases while you drink yourself blind
  • I’ve had two drinks
  • You’ve had four, and a few more before you got on the plane by the look of you
  • …and you don’t drink?
  • Yes I do, I love a drink,but I don’t get wasted when I’ve me kids with me
  • I’m not wasted, don’t you dare judge me
  • I’m not judging, I’m making an observation
  • Mind your own bloody business
  • I’ll mind my own business when you control your fucking child
  • Don’t use that language in front of my son
  • Don’t be getting pissed in front of your son
  • I am not pissed
  • Well, continue ordering cans of Heino and vodka chasers at the rate you are and you will be
  • Mammy are you pissed?
  • No Benjamin, don’t mind the silly lady. Here swap seats with me
  • And if he wakes my husband up by kicking HIS seat, he won’t be as nice as me…ok love?

There wasn’t another peep out of him, but honestly…Some people shouldn’t be allowed travel with kids

Heatwave

Jimmy isn’t coping too well with the heat these days, actually, he’s a narky bolix to be honest…and the girls aren’t helping with their clothing…or lack of

  • Can you give me a lift to work da, I’m running late
  • Well you’d better hurry up and get dressed then, I’m picking Mick up in ten minutes
  • I am dressed
  • I thought you said you were going to work?
  • I am
  • Dressed like that?
  • Like what?
  • Like you’re off to a beach party
  • Its 22degrees ouside da and it’s not even eight o’clock yet. What do you want me to wear?
  • Your work clothes if you’re going to work
  • The boss said we can dress casual during the Heatwave
  • So where do you work now? Love Island?
  • Stop being so dramatic da
  • I’m not being dramatic, I just don’t think that’s appropriate clothing for work in an insurance office
  • You’re jealous,just because you have to wear your overalls
  • Well I’d hardly being going on site in a mankini now would I ?
  • Jesus da, why did you put that image into me head?
  •  Could you not put a cardigan on at least?
  • A cardigan? Who do you think I am…your ma?
  • Don’t be so cheeky, you’ll be thrown out of that job you will
  • …and why would they throw me out?
  • If you carry on going in half naked, they will
  • I’m not half naked da, I’m wearing a skirt and a top
  • That’s not a skirt Koko…it’s a bleedin’ belt
  • Stop carrying on like an aul one da . D’ye know what, forget the lift, I’ll get the bus
  • You will not; get into the van now. You’re not walking to the bus stop like that
  • Are you serious da?
  • Yes I am, and here put my jacket across your knee. You’ll give Mick a heart attack this hour of the morning
  • I’m sure Mick has seen a pair of legs da
  • It’s not your legs I’m worried about him seeing
  • Jesus da, you’re getting worse.  Ma, talk to him will you!

I’m keeping out of it

 

polka skirt

 

 

 

Clairvoyanto

Me pal Lynn persuaded me to go see a medium who was doing open readings in a pub. We got free tickets so I went along for the craic. Ma was dying to know all about it

  • I’m surprised you went to see a medium Bernie
  • Lynn asked me to go with her
  • So, how did it go?
  • It was a pile of shite to be honest ma
  • You’re just a skeptic Bernie, always were; always will
  • Lynn was hoping her da would get in touch
  • And did he?
  • No, of course he didn’t. It’s all a con
  • Well why did you go then?
  • Free tickets and a few pints, how could I refuse?
  • Fair enough, so  did anyone come to you from the other side then
  • Sure who’d come to me?
  • Your da maybe
  • We were in the Abberly Court ma. Da wouldn’t go there when he was alive, he’s hardly going to go when he’s dead now is he?
  • Fair enough, but what about your pal Sandra?
  • Not a sign of her ma
  • Aww, that’s a pity. You and her were so close Bernie
  • I still miss her
  • So maybe you were hoping she’d come through Bernie
  • I’d have been shocked if Sandra had come
  • Why?
  • I told you it was in the  Abberly  ma
  • So?
  • So…Sandra always said she wouldn’t be caught dead in that kip
  • I went to see a medium after your daddy died
  • Did you ma
  •  She told me he had difficulty breathing towards the end
  • Jaysis ma, what did you say to her?
  • ‘Obviously love’, says I to her…’he was fuckin’ dying. Everyone has difficulty breathing when they’re dying’
  • I bet she didn’t like that ma
  • No she didn’t
  • That one last night told  some poor woman her husband was very happy now since he passed, and the woman wasn’t a bit pleased
  • Why not?
  • ‘And why wouldn’ Anto be happy? fecking off leaving me with a load of bills and no mortgage protection’ she said ‘and tell him from me he’s a fucking bastard’
  • And did the husband answer her?
  • I dunno ma, I finished me drink and went to the pub next door to wait for Lynn who was still waiting to hear from her da
  • Why did you leave?
  • Because, I agree with me da and Sandra, the place is a kip, and I had a few visions of me own so I thought it best to leave early
  • What visions Bernie?
  • Visions of giving that so called medium a slap in the head ma…

fortune-teller-illustration-vector

Off her trolley

 

 

a&EMaisie is in hospital after having a bit of a fall. She’ll be OK but the doctors are keeping an eye on her for a few days because she banged her head. She gets regular visits from the doctor and his team to ask her a series of questions to make sure the knock to her head didn’t affect her memory. We were in A&E for over twenty four hours waiting for a bed.

  • Good morning Margaret and how are you?
  • You can call me Maisie, only my poor mother called me Margaret, lord rest her
  • So how are we feeling this morning?
  • Well, I’m grand, considering I never got a wink of sleep, there’s nothing but winos and junkies causing commotion all night and there’s hardly any staff on duty…and how are you?
  • Fine…fine…I’m fine. So, I have the results of your X ray and everything seems fine
  • So, can I go home ?
  • No, I’m sorry, we’ll be holding on to you for a few days Marg…em Maisie
  • Oh so you have a bed for me then?
  • Not yet, soon
  • You said that last night son, and I’ll tell you this for nothing, I’m not spending another night on this bloody trolley on a corridor for every passerby to gawp at
  • I’m sorry, but we’re very busy and…
  • Would you allow your mother spend a night in this place?
  • Well, I wouldn’t like to, no
  • Well there you go. If it’s not good enough for your mother, why should it  be good enough for me?
  • Emmm, I just wanted to ask you a few questions if that’s ok
  • More questions?
  • It won’t take long
  • You asked me loads of questions when I got here, and your friend asked me the same ones again at ten o’clock last night. Do you not tell each other anything in this place?
  • I need to ask again I’m sorry. We need to make sure…
  • …that I haven’t lost me marbles…yeah yeah
  • No, it’s not that, it’s…
  • Oh just ask me for Gods sake
  • Do you know what day it is today?
  • Well, I was brought in on Monday, I’m still on a trolley in A&E waiting for a bed, so it must be….Friday?
  • It’s Tuesday
  • Is that all? It feels longer, these bloody trolleys would kill your back
  • Can you tell me what year it is?
  • Well it feels like 1974 and I’m in an episode of M.A.S.H but rumour has it it’s 2018
  • Do you know who the President is?
  • Why? Is he looking for a bed?
  • No no no, I just need to know if you can tell me his name
  • Just as well, he’d be a long time waiting
  • His name?
  • Oh is it not Mary McAleese anymore?
  • No, I’m afraid not
  • Mary Robinson?
  • he was before Mary McAleese
  • Very good doctor, and who was before her?
  • I’m meant to be asking you the questions
  • Aww do you not know the answer..it’s Patrick Hillery
  • ….
  • What are you looking at me like that for?Patrick Hillery was so the president before Mary Robinson, and O’Dálaigh was before him
  • But who is the president now?
  • Michael D is of course…well he was before I checked in to this place. They could have had another election the length of time I’m lying here waiting for a bed
  • Yes, it is still Michael D
  • Lovely man, and his wife is lovely too; what’s her name again? Sabrina, isn’t it?
  • Sabina
  • That’s it, Sabina; She must’ve dropped the ‘R’. Sabrina isn’t very presidents wife is it?
  • Can you remember what year you were born?
  • I can
  • Can you tell me?
  • No
  • So you can’t remember?
  • Yes I can but I’m not telling you
  • But…
  • I told you yesterday, and I told your colleague last night…a ladies age is her own business and nothing to do with you so don’t ask me again, now feck off with your questions
  • I’ve just a few more….
  • I’ve a question for you doctor
  • Yes?
  • When am I getting a bed?
  • I don’t actually know yet Marg…Maisie
  • Well, I’ll tell you what; When you have the answer to that one, come back to me
  • I’ll see what I can do
  • Bye now
  • I’ll come back later
  • Well, only if  it’s to tell me you either have a bed for me or I can go home
  • But…
  • But nothing, and tell that nurse to bring me a cup of tea. I’m bloody parching

 

I’m surprised they gave her a bed at all  :p

 

 

Reflections

A-to-Z Reflection [2018]

 

Sorry I’m a bit late to the party but I’ve been busy trying to write the book.

‘Diary of a Dublin housewife’ is coming along ( slowly but surely)

It was a great month for me. I made some friends, I lost some weight, I wrote everyday and got the boost to continue with the book that I haven’t touched in months.

The good news obviously, is the book is back on track, the bad news is I’ve put the weight back on. Don’t judge me, I need writing fuel…I can’t survive on words alone!

Thanks to everyone who stopped by to read and comment, you are the ones who gave me the boost to keep on writing.  I’m sorry if I haven’t been around lately but I will catch up with all my new blogger mates as soon as I make a ham sambo and a cuppa ( I might even have a package of crisps…Stoppit! I told you not to judge me. I’ve enough of that from me ma)

Well done to everyone who survived the challenge. You’re all brilliant. So, keep on writing, keep on blogging and for those of you contemplating a diet – forget it. Life is too short to be nibbling celery and carrot sticks. Eat that jumbo breakfast roll, drink that glass (or bottle) of wine, wear those Bridget Jones knickers and above all…Have fun 😉

Catch you later lads,

Bernie Rose Violet xxx ❤ ❤ ❤

Zumba #AprilAtoZChallenge

Last day of the challenge and I’m leaving you all in a sweat. (me, not you) I got to wear the leggings and sweatband again ( Koko is mortified, but I don’t care) and I’ve finally found a fun way to exercise and keep fit. I’ve ditched the diet and joined Zumbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  😉

Z

  • Are you alright Bernie?
  • I can’t breathe Julie
  • That was tough wasn’t it?
  • My body is fucked, I’m too old for this carry on
  • Old my arse. Did you see that aul one in front of us? She was at least seventy five
  • The one doing the slut drops?
  • Yeah, she might have looked like Madonnas ma, but jesus she had the moves of an eighteen year old
  • I never had moves like that, even when I was eighteen
  • Get away out of that I saw you doing them booty bounces, you were on fire Bernie. Eat your heart out Beyoncé
  • Says you, Nikki Minaj!
  • Ah you can’t beat a bit of twerking Bernie, but do you know what? I’m so glad I wore my knicker stickers are you?
  • I wore two, and my Bridget Jones specials as well…after my running accident, I wasn’t taking any chances
  • You did right Bernie. It was good craic though wasn’t it?
  • Brilliant Julie, but I thought we were going to do the beginners class?
  • That WAS the beginners class Bernie
  • Are you serious? I thought we’d gone to the advanced class by mistake
  • Ah, we’re just out of practice, we’ll be slut dropping with Madonnas aul one in no time
  • I’m not sure about them pelvic thrusts though Julie
  • You can practice with Jimmy for next week…you are coming back next week aren’t you?
  • Try stopping me Julie, poor Jimmy won’t know what hit him….

zumba

I think I’ve found my calling lads  😉

See you all in May 😉