Daydreamer

My sister Phillo is heartbroken today. David Cassidy was her teenage idol. She had posters of him all over the bedroom wall and on the ceiling.  Da used to go mad at her for ripping the paint off  with the sellotape…

 

David Cassidy 2

  • David Cassidy but Bernie, can you believe it?
  • Too sad Phillo…too sad
  • When I hear him singing, it’s like I’m fourteen again
  • I remember you and your mates going mad for him on The Partridge Family
  • Keith, he was gorgeous
  • Keith?
  • Keith Partridge, that was his name in the show
  • Ah I’m a bit too young to remember that Phillo
  • Feck off, you’re not that much younger than me
  • I do remember him on Top of The Pops alright
  • My teenage crush
  • Da said he looked like a girl
  • The cheek of him
  • Just because he had long hair
  • …and wore a pink shirt
  • Sure aren’t all the young fellas wearing pink shirts these days
  • Da had one himself sure
  • Oh god yeah, someone bought it for him for Christmas
  • I think it was auntie Marilyn
  • Trust her, but at least it didn’t have flowers on it
  • He was dead himself before the following year
  • Probably thinking he’d rather die than wear that yoke again
  • I think he actually did say that to ma
  • Jaysis, you just don’t know do you?
  • He was no David Cassidy but was he? Lord have mercy on him
  • More David Letterman really Phillo
  • Still, David Cassidy Bernie. He was so young
  • Same age as da
  • ..and we thought he was an aulfella
  • Remember when he forgot the words of the song and we all that he was drunk
  • Was that at aunty Betty’s birthday party?
  • Not Da, ye big eejit…David Cassidy
  • Oh right yea, he fell off the stage didn’t he?, God love him.
  • Turned out he had dementia and was on medication
  • People are so quick to judge without knowing the facts aren’t they but?
  • Eh hello, you were one who said “Look at David Cassidy out of his box on stage”
  • Well you expect it with famous people don’t you? Being drunk onstage like. You don’t think of them being sick. He was really sick.
  • Rest in peace David
  • Sleep tight David… I think I love you   ❤ 
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Russian Roulette

_98754453_ireland-pa

 

Jimmy is very down in the dumps since Ireland were beaten by Denmark on Tuesday night. His world cup dream trip to Russia is not to be and he’s not at all pleased…

  • Cancel that Credit Union loan will you Bernie
  • Why?
  • Well, Russia is off now isn’t it
  • Shocking result Jimmy
  • Not really, even me granny lighting a candle wasn’t going to win that match for us
  • Sad all the same but sure we’ll take the loan anyway
  • But what’s the point Bernie?
  • I’d like to go somewhere next year
  • Like where?
  • Anywhere Jimmy; Spain, Portugal, Greece, the Bahamas. A couple of weeks in the sun would be lovely
  • Ah Bernie, you know I hate that two weeks in the sun shite
  • Eh hello…you didn’t say that when you fecked off to France for the Euros last year
  • That was different
  • It’s always different with you isn’t it? And how long were you planning on staying in Russia?
  • That wasn’t a holiday
  • Well what the fuck was it if it wasn’t a holiday?
  • It’s more of a pilgrimage Bernie
  • Lourdes is a pilgrimage; Medjugorge  is a pilgrimage…Russia for the world cup is not a bleedin’ pilgrimage. It’s a piss up every night with your mates while you trail around the country after a football team
  • It’s called supporting your country Bernie
  • It’s called taking liberties Jimmy, and what about supporting your wife?
  • I do support my wife. When did I ever leave you short?
  • I’m not talking about money Jimmy as well you know
  • Well we didn’t get through, Russia is off so there’s no point going on about it
  • All I said was, lets go on a holiday together seeing as you won’t be going to Russia
  • I’ll think about it
  • You’ll think about it? Is that what you said to your mates when they were planning the world cup trip? ‘I’ll think about it?’
  • What was there to think about Bernie?
  • Yeah too right, you were on to Trip Adviser checking flights to Moscow and Vladivostok before Ireland even qualified
  •  Vladivostok?
  • Yeah, that’s in Russia … isn’t it?
  • Yeah but none of the football venues are there
  • Look Jimmy I’m not an expert on Russian geography or football venues, but I do know where there’s a lovely hotel on the beach in Lanzarote , now are we going to go or not?
  • Do I have a choice?
  • I’m not holding a gun to your head Jimmy
  • Oh go on so…anywhere but Russia …or Denmark
  •  I’ll just go check Trip Adviser
  • You don’t waste any time do you?
  • Wasting time is robbing oneself
  • What?
  • Old Russian proverb Jimmy
  • I have an Irish one for you
  • What?
  • As much as I may drink tonight I will still be thirsty tomorrow
  • You’re off to the pub then?
  • Got it in one Bernie
  • I might join you later for a black russian

Every cloud does have a silver ling but doesn’t it?  😉

 

 

Loose woman

housework

 

  • Are you sitting there all morning ?
  • I just sat down to have a coffee is that alright?
  • You were sitting there when I left this morning
  • Because I was only after making your breakfast and hanging out the washing and I fancied a cup of tea and a slice of toast for me own breakfast while I watched Lorraine
  • You’ve a great life all the same, cups of tea and coffee and breaks whenever you like
  • I’m only after sitting down I told you
  • I believe ye, thousands wouldn’t
  • Believe what you like Jimmy, now excuse me, til I catch the end of Loose Women
  • I wish I had time to watch Loose Women but I’ve only half an hour to get a bit of lunch
  • You can’t stand Loose Women?
  • I know but it beats working your arse off on a bulding site
  • You’re not the only one who works you know. I’m on the go all morning
  • But you’re at home all day. You’re your own boss Bernie
  • Yeah, it’s great having no one looking over your shoulder alright
  • You’re very touchy today
  • Am I? I wonder why? Oh by the way, we had visitors earlier
  • Who?
  • Kim and Aggie called at nine this morning, they hoovered the hall stairs and landing while they were here
  • Did they? That’s nice
  • Yeah, then they cleaned out the  bathroom and the ensuite, mopped the floors, cleaned the windows, changed the duvets, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, then put on three loads of washing. I told them not to get in Alans way while they were hanging it out on the line
  • Alan who?
  • Titchmarsh…he was out doing a bit of weeding before planting the spring bulbs.
  • Is that right?
  • Yeah.Two hours he was out there. Jamie came in just as he was leaving
  • Jamie who?
  • Jamie Oliver. He made a lovely sheperds pie for your dinner…from scratch.
  • Very nice, and did he make any dessert?
  • He was going to make an apple crumble and custard but I told him not to bother
  • Why?
  • BECAUSE HE WAS BLEEDIN’ KNACKERED AND WANTED TO SIT DOWN FOR TWENTY MINUTES WITH A COFFEE AND WATCH LOOSE WOMEN
  • Calm down Bernie. Sure can’t we open a tin of fruit and have it with some ice cream instead.
  • Get out of me way Jimmy before I lose me mind. I’m missing me programme, and you’re getting on me last nerve.
  • Any chance of a ham sandwich and a cuppa?
  • You know where the kettle is, and there’s ham in the fridge
  • Are you not going to make it for me?
  • I just sat down Jimmy
  • You just can’t get the staff these days …

I’ll swing for him one of these days, I swear 🙄

The merry widow

I’m not saying me ma has a suspicious mind but … actually scrap that…me ma has a very suspicious mind. She’s a terrible one for putting doubts in your head, even about your own husband…

  • How’s Jimmy getting on with that house renovation Bernie?
  • He’s still working on it ma. Every time he finishes one thing, Valerie wants something else
  • Frankie must have had some insurance policy
  • He must have. She’s spending like there’s no tomorrow.  Frankie must be turning in his grave
  • It won’t be long before that one is out clubbing and partying and looking for a new fella
  • Ah ma give her a chance. She was as married as long as I am
  • ..and that’s another thing; You’d want to keep an eye on your Jimmy when she’s around
  • My Jimmy is not like that ma
  • Never underestimate the lure of a merry widow with a few bob in the bank, especially where your husband is concerned
  • You really think highly of my Jimmy don’t you?
  • I’m just saying , that’s all
  • Well keep your thoughts to yourself ma. I trust my husband.
  • Forewarned is forearmed Bernie
  • Leave it out ma will you
  • Is she good looking?
  • I wouldn’t say good looking exactly, a bit mannish really; a bit like Annie Lennox
  • She’ll be getting Botox and a boob job soon
  • You think?
  • I do…and a vajazzle thingy as well. You mark my words
  • What would you know about vajazzles?
  • Leonard was telling me about them
  • Leonard is a seventy year old gay man ma, what would he know?
  • His boyfriend owns a beauty salon in Blackrock. He said he’d get me discount anytime I want
  • On a vajazzle?
  • Feck off Bernie will you. What in the name of God would I be doing with a vajazzle? No, I mean for facials and manicures and the like.
  • Maybe I’ll send the Val one over to him
  • Ah now, don’t be encouraging her Bernie, well not until Jimmy is finished the work on her house
  • Why is that ma?
  • Because before you know it, she’ll be flouncing around the house in flimsy negligees, flaunting her vajazzle in front of the lads
  • Val is hardly the flouncy type ma, sure she lives in jeans and doc martens
  • At her age?
  • You can wear docs at any age ma
  • Not very feminine are they?
  • She wore flowery skirts and dresses when Frankie was alive. She’s only starting to have a style of her own since he died
  • Men like their women to dress like women
  • Women can dress how they like ma. They shouldn’t have a man to tell them what to wear
  • He seemed like the controlling type alright. His da was the very same with the mother. Poor Florrie, lord rest her,she wasn’t even allowed wear trousers. “Only one person wears the trousers in my house” he said to your da one time
  • Like father, like son then
  •  That oul fecker wouldn’t let her even come to the Bingo.
  • How can women let men control them like that?
  • Afraid of them obviously
  • He sounds like an awful oul gobshite.
  • I hope Val is happy now
  • She seems happy enough. Happier than when Frankie was alive to be honest with you
  • Happy to be free to flirt with other men you mean
  • Leave it out ma will you

 

That woman, I swear to God, she’d wreck your head,

 

 

Playboy

playboy

  •  See that Hugh Hefner fella died
  • Jaysis, he’s been around for a long time
  • Ninety one he was, it’s here in this mornings paper
  • Older than me ma
  • You know he was sixty years older than his last wife
  • Sure the older he got, the younger his wives got. What the hell did they see in him?
  • Money Bernie, that’s all… money
  • …and him always hanging around in his pyjamas
  • Ever ready what!
  • I can’t see them throwing him out of Tesco’s if he went in for a jumbo breakfast roll in his jammies
  • They say he went deaf from too much viagra
  •  Jaysis I must warn uncle Billy
  • Your uncle Billy has been deaf for years
  • So he has…ooohh
  • All them bunny girls, he must have had thousands of them over the years
  • A dirty old man he was
  • It says here that he died surrounded by his loved ones
  • He must’ve had a huge bed for all them bunnies to gather round
  • I’m sure they mean his wife and kids, but yeah, I heard his bed was massive alright
  • I can’t see him getting into Heaven, can you Jimmy?
  • Well if he does, it will be a bit of a let down for him after the Playboy Mansion Bernie
  • Jimmy!!

 

Game of Thongs

The washing machine repair fella was here this morning. Jimmy went ballistic when I rang and told him what the problem was. You’d swear it was my fault. Actually, everything these days seems to be my fault…and I don’t even own a pair of thongs. That Kylie one had better buy herself a few pairs of Bridget Jones or she’ll be left knickerless, because I’m burning that drawer full of  dental floss she has up in her room…

  • Is the machine fixed ma?
  • Yeah, no thanks to you
  • What did I do?
  • Put your bits of string in
  • What?
  • The bits of string you call knickers
  • They’re called thongs
  • I don’t care what you call them, they broke me machine
  • What’s my thongs got to do with the machine being broken?
  • One of them was blocking the filter
  • Is that what was wrong with it
  • Yes, mortified I was when the chap cleaned it out
  • Aww scarlet ma
  • You were scarlet? You were in bed. I had to face him Kylie
  • You should have checked the filter before you rang the repair fella ma
  • Don’t you start. I’ve enough of your da going on about it
  • Did he go mental
  • You know what he’s like ” did you not check the filter? The first thing you do when there’s a problem with a washing machine is check the filter ,before you call the repair fella….I can’t believe you didn’t check the filter…Eighty euro for a bleedin’ call out charge ” Blah Blah Blah
  • Ah sorry ma
  • “I didn’t see you checking the fucking filter” I says to him ” so shurrup annoying me will you”
  • Was it the same fella who called last time?
  • Oh no thank God. I was mortified enough as it was
  • That was hilarious ma.  Remember the underwire from your bra, caught in the drum
  • Oh, your da reminded me of that one this morning when he was on his rant
  • But he thought it was funny at the time. I remember him and Anto laughing over it. ” You’ve always been wired Bernie” he said
  • That was back when he had a sense of humour
  • Ah he’s not that bad
  • Grumpy fucker these days so he is.
  • Maybe he’s going through the change
  • Men don’t go through the change. They just become narky bastards in their old age
  • Me da is not sixty yet ma
  • He’s starting early so…here put that thong in the bin
  • Why?
  • Because it’s ripped to fuck
  • Ah ma, they were me favourites
  • Who in the name of jaysis has a favourite pair of thongs?
  • I do, they’re  Victoria’s Secret ones
  • Who the fuck is Victoria, and why are you borrowing her knickers? That’s disgusting, you’ve hundreds of pairs of your own
  • It’s the name of the shop ma
  • Whatever… It’s a piece of string Kylie. Get over yourself
  • And you say me da is a narky fucker
  • I beg your pardon?
  • …nothing, jaysis calm down ma
  • I won’t calm down. I’m sick of the lot of you
  • Jaysis it’s only a thong ma
  • Oh, and you owe me eighty euro
  • For what?
  • For the washing machine repair fella
  • I haven’t got eighty euro ma
  • Well stop buying expensive bits of  shite to cover your arse then
  • You’re as bad as me da these days
  • …and maybe that’ll teach you to  wash your knickers by hand in future

Kids, I swear the older they get the worse they get…

Double glazed widows

windows

 

I told you me ma loves a good funeral story. I told her about Jimmy’s mate Frankie kicking the bucket last week…

  • Another double glazed widow then Bernie
  • What’s that ma?
  • A double glaze widow. Bury their husbands of a Monday, get the builders in of a Tuesday
  • That’s terrible ma
  • Well, some of them wait a bit longer, they don’t like the neighbours talking
  • I think you make these stories up ma
  • As true as I’m sitting here Bernie, I’m telling you. As soon as the husband dies, they get the entire house double glazed because they weren’t allowed when they were alive
  • Weren’t allowed? We’re not living in the fifties ma
  • You’ve no idea Bernie. Not everyone is as lucky as you.
  • Maybe it was like that in your era ma, but not now
  • What are you talking about? Sure haven’t you just told me that Frankie’s missus getting a complete makeover on the house soon…and him only a few hours under the ground
  • That’s one person ma…ONE
  • …and what about Rita Burke in number nineteen? Attic conversion a month after Johnny kicked the bucket
  • She needed the room for the grand kids when her daughter moved in with her ma
  • …and Eileen Dunne around the corner. The hearse had hardly pulled away from the house when she had a new front door and a cobble lock driveway
  • Stop exaggerating ma
  • No exaggeration at all Bernie…and she had no one moving in with her except her fancy man
  • Ma, stoppit
  • You’re very naive Bernadette
  • ..and you just love making up stories about the neighbours
  • …Then there’s Maura Whatsername in the cul de sac. Didn’t Jimmy put in a new kitchen for her  a week after her fella died
  • It wasn’t a week ma
  • How long was it then?
  • About a month
  • See! I told you Bernie. You mark my words, that Valerie woman will be ordering a new conservatory and a world cruise in no time
  • Actually Jimmy is calling around this week to give her an estimate
  • Holy god, she’s quick off the mark isn’t she Bernie?
  • She is ma. Frankie is only dead a week
  • She’s wasting no time spending the insurance money is she?
  • Well by all accounts, he was a right tight bastard
  • So, she’ll be making up for all them years of penny pinching
  • Poor cow all the same. I’d hate to be married to a mean man
  • Nothing worse than a tight arse Bernie

Maisie talks some shite at the best of times, but I think she’s right about this one lads…