#W is forWheelchair friendly #AtoZChallenge

  • I’m of to the bingo Jimmy
  • This early?It’s only half five
  • I’m collecting me ma
  • Maisie’s going to bingo? I thought she couldn’t walk
  • We got a loan of a wheelchair for her
  • Whacker Byrne has a wheelchair friendly bus now has he?
  • No,he’s bleedin’ useless, so we’ve to walk, that’s why I’m leavin’ so early
  • I don’t know how he gets any passengers for the Bingo run at all, sure aren’t they all half dead
  • Here fuck off you, who’re you callin’ half dead?
  • Well apart from yerself and Julie and the Maureen one, they all have one foot in the grave
  • That’s shocking talk Jimmy Violet. They all love the bingo, it’s the only outing they have all week
  • Don’t they get to mass as well, and I’m sure they have a funeral a week to go to. There can’t be too many of them left at this stage. I think Whacker is in the wrong business Ber…he should be driving limos for the undertakers, and he’d get less grief from his passengers.
  • Well he’ll be getting grief off me when I see him, refusing to take me mas wheelchair. He can stick his bus up his swiss from now on. Right I’d better go, me ma will be hangin’ out the window waitin’ for me
  • …and how are ye gettin’ home?
  • We’ll get a taxi if we win
  • …and if ye don’t win?
  • Then I’ll be knackered walkin’
  • Ye can’t be pushin’ Maisie in the dark Ber ,I’ll pick you up.
  • Sure you’ll be in the pub Jimmy, and anyway will a wheelchair even fit into the back of your van with all that shite?
  • It’s not shite, it’s me tools for work Bernie, and sure I’ll go the pub later. Isn’t the bingo over at ten?
  • Yeah but I can’t see a wheelchair fitting in, and sure me ma can’t climb up into that front seat of  the van anyway.
  • I’ll hoosh her up
  • Hoosh her? Me ma is eighty five and she’s just had a knee operation Jimmy, ye can’t hoosh her anywhere
  • I’m only tryin’ to help Bernie, go on and walk so.
  • Ah go on so, but give us a lift to me mas first will ye Jimmy.
  • Will YOU be able to get up into the seat Ber?
  • Sure can’t ye hoosh me up Jimmy
  • I’ll hoosh you any time Bernie
  • Is that a threat Jimmy?
  • It’s a promise Ber
  • You’re right, I am a soft touch.
  • I’ll let ye know.
  • Dirty minded fecker, here you may as well bring us to the Bingo while you’re at it. Get a bit of practice in for when you collect us
  • Ah you’re pushing it now Ber
  • No I’m not. I’m getting a lift off you.

Just as well he collected us; we won feck all again!

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Elvis… Always on my mind

Me and Lynn went to an Elvis tribute night down the pub last night. They were celebrating the 40th anniversary of his death. Forty years!! Can you believe it?

 

Elvis

  • Where were you when Elvis died Bernie?
  • You mean the exact minute he died or when I heard he died?
  • When you heard he died of course…how would you know the exact minute he died unless you were there in the bathroom with him.
  • That is if he really died in the bathroom Lynn.That could just be a story, a cover up for what really happened.
  • Why would they say he died in the bathroom if he didn’t? You’ve a very’ suspicious mind’ Bernie
  • You know them Americans all love a good story, a crazy headline. ‘Elvis dies watching telly’ doesn’t’ have the same impact as ‘Elvis dies on the jax eating a burger’
  •  I don’t think they said he did eating a burger. I think they said he’d eaten a burger before he died.
  • Well they were hardly going to say he’d eaten a salad with cous cous and a glass of still water were they?
  •  I don’t think Elvis was much of a salad eater
  • Neither is that chap onstage by the look of him
  • He’s a big chap alright
  •  ‘The King is dead’ isn’t that what they said?
  •  I can’t remember but that is a good headline. Click bait…isn’t that what they’d call it now?
  • If it was today, it would be on twitter with a picture of the burger before the ambulance arrived
  • There’s not much privacy these days is there Bern?
  • I was in me grannies having a bowl of cornflakes
  • What?
  • ‘…When Elvis died. You asked me where I was when Elvis died.  I was staying in me grannies with Imelda when me ma was in hospital having our Aaron
  • Did your ma call him Aaron after Elvis because it was his middle name and he was born the day Elvis died?
  • No she called him Elvis after Elvis, but he was slagged in school over it so he told everyone his name was Aaron
  • So is his middle name Aaron too?
  • No, it’s  Bartley …after me granda. Aaron is his third name
  • Elvis Bartley Aaron?
  • Yeah,shite isn’t it? Scarlet for him. He reckoned Aaron was better than Bartley
  • I don’t blame him
  • Me granda wasn’t too please but
  • Who the fuck calls their child Bartley?
  • My great granny, that’s who. Anyway, it was on the nine o’clock news that morning
  • What was?
  • About Elvis dying, for  jaysis sake Lynn, keep up will you
  • Sorry Bernie, I’m still thinking about poor Aaron
  • Me granny always listened to RTE radio in the mornings…The news and Gay Byrne, every morning. I couldn’t believe it.
  • I couldn’t believe people listened to Gay Byrne either
  • No, I couldn’t believe Elvis was dead, for fuck sake Lynn, how many vodkas have you had?
  • Not enough obviously, judging by this conversation
  • Me sister was bawling crying. Imelda loved Elvis. She had posters of him on our bedroom wall
  • I had Donny Osmond and David Cassidy
  •  I had T. Rex. You know Marc Bolan died exactly a month after Elvis?… in a car crash on the way home from a party in Rod Stewart’s gaff.
  •  That’s a real rock n roll way to die isn’t it? Elvis might have been the King but his death wasn’t very rock n roll was it?
  • He’d be eighty one if he was still alive
  • He wouldn’t be shaking his hips much on a zimmerframe at eighty one Bernie
  • Sure he’d have had new hips by now
  • And a few face lifts, trying to stay young like the rest of them
  • He’ll be forever young
  • Wearing his blue suede shoes
  • Some people say he never died…  Another cover up
  • Where is he then?
  • God only knows, living on some tropical island with Marc Bolan and Buddy Holly.
  • My ma loved Buddy Holly
  • Mine too. You know she wanted to call me Peggy Sue
  • Seriously? Yeah, but me da put his foot down, said no child of his was being called after his mother in law
  • You’re grannies name was Peggy Sue?
  • No, Margaret, but everyone called her Peggy
  • I need another drink Bernie
  • I’ll call the waitress… ”Excuse me love, two double vodkas and coke when you’re ready”… He was only twenty two, Lord rest him
  • Who?
  • Buddy fucking Holly. Do you want to go out and come back in Lynn, because you’re not with it tonight
  • Ask me hoop Bernie. I can’t keep up with all these dead celebs
  • You shouldn’t have come to an Elvis tribute show then
  • You’re just confusing me, anyway I thought he was older. He looked older but didn’t he?
  • Who Elvis?
  • No, Buddy Holly, jaysis, now who’s confused?
  •  I think it was the glasses.
  • He did really die though
  • I hope so…they buried him
  • You’re getting worse Bernie. Here, this Elvis chap is a long time on his break isn’t he?
  • Probably sent out for a burger. I hope he’s not eating it on the jax
  • I’m going to ask him to sing Blue Christmas when he comes back
  • It’s bleedin’ August Lynn!
  • He’s an Elvis tribute and I want to hear Blue Christmas
  • Whatever floats your boat love, anyway he died in a plane crash
  • I thought he died on the jax
  • Not Elvis; Buddy Holly ye big eejit
  • I told you to stop confusing me
  • So did Patsy Cline. Our Patsy is named after her
  • Are all your family named after famous dead people then?
  • Yeah, except me. I’m named after saint Bernadette
  • She’s dead
  • She wasn’t famous though…except in the catholic church I suppose
  • So many stars died too soon Bernie… Michael Jackson… Prince…Freddie Mercury
  • …Bob Marley…Jim Morrison..
  • David Bowie… I loved David Bowie
  •  Jimi Hendrix…
  • Amy Winehouse.
  • Karen Carpenter…. jaysis we’re very cheerful tonight aren’t we?
  • Marilyn
  • I thought Marilyn Manson was still alive?
  • No Marilyn Monroe
  • Hardly a rock star but
  • Oh I thought we were just talking about dead stars
  • We were talking about Elvis
  • Oh yeah
  • So where were YOU then?
  • When?
  • When Elvis died?
  • Fucked if I can remember Bernie, sure I was only five
  • You were in your swiss! I think we should just listen to the music and have ‘A little less conversation’ Lynn,yeah?
  • Here he is back onstage, throw your knickers at him Bernie, I dare you. ”G’WAN ELVIS … you aint nothin’ but a hound dog…”

I sometimes wonder how I’m still friends with this girl!

 

 

XYZ Rude sausage joke alert! #AtoZchallenge

XYZ

 

Ok so I’m cheating a bit, but as you know I’ve been way behind my AtoZ this month. It’s not everyday  that I have a conversation to relay to you, and today is one of those days so I’m lumping XY and Z in together. I only found out recently that XYZ is slang for eXamine Your Zipper, to let someone know their fly is open, and it brought to mind one of Jimmy’s many rude jokes. If you’re easily offended, please stop reading now…if you like a bit of dirt, carry on. But remember it’s not my joke, but it is the end of my #AprilAtoZblogging challenge.

 

Paddy and Mick fancy a few pints but it’s a few days to payday and they only have one euro between them, so, hatching what they think is a brilliant plan, they go to the butchers and spend it on a large sausage. They go into the first pub and order a pint each and two whiskey chasers. They down the pints and whiskey , then Paddy opens his fly and sticks the sausage in. Mick gets down on his knees and puts the sausage in his mouth. the barman goes berserk and throws them out, forgetting they haven’t paid for their drinks yet. They continue with this in several more pubs, getting drunker and drunker on all of the free drink. After about the tenth pub Mick says ‘Paddy, I don’t know how long more I can do this, I’m pissed as a fart and me knees are killin’ me’. ‘How do you think I feel?’ says Paddy ‘Sure I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in’.

 

Jimmy thinks this is hilarious, and it’s a lot cleaner than some of his other jokes. I hope no one is too offended  😉

V is for…Very rude to visitors #AtoZchallenge

V

 

I told you before that Maisie thinks she can say what she likes, and she usually does. Now that she’s in hospital, she’s even worse than ever before. Me auntie Lil (Ma’s sister in law, who she cant stand) popped in to visit her the other evening. We all know that auntie Lil would talk about herself as long as anyone would listen to her, but Maisie really wasn’t in the mood for her that day.

  • Maisie, Its great to see you looking so well.
  • I’m in hospital Lil, how could I be looking well?
  • When I was in hospital…
  • I don’t want to hear it Lil.
  • I was just trying to make conversation.
  • That’s not conversation, that’s telling me all about your  kidney stones.
  • I thought you’d be interested.
  • I was, the first twenty times you told me.
  • Always the exaggerator Margaret.
  • Whatever, LILIAN, so come on, have you any other news?…and don’t talk about yourself when you’re here; sure we’ll do that when you leave.

Auntie Lil didn’t stay long, and I’ll be very surprised if she comes back.

 

 

 

 

Unhappy #AtoZchallenge

U

I remember when we were only newlyweds, I got chatting in the pub to a neighbour who used to live beside me ma. He was as old as Maisie. (probably about fifty five at the time)

  • Hiya Brian, how are you?
  • There y’are Bernie, I’m grand, all things considering.
  • How’s Mary?
  • Still alive. She’s over there in the corner waiting for her drink.
  • So, what has you out of a Tuesday night then?
  • It’s our wedding anniversary.
  • So why are you looking so unhappy then?
  • I told you; she’s still alive.
  • Get away out of that Brian,How many years are you married?
  • Too many.
  • Ah stop, you’re an awful messer. I bet you’ve been happily married for longer than me and Jimmy.
  • Happily married, Bernie? there’s no such thing. You’re either happy or you’re married; you can’t be both.

I must admit when I saw the frosty face on Mary sitting in the corner, I knew what he meant. God love him, me ma said she was an awful moan bag. I never found out how many years they were married. He ran off with Lydia around the corner six months later. Maisie said she was only surprised he’d stayed so long.

How many of you are as happily married as Mary and Brian?

 

Trick or Treat #AtozChallenge

T

I hate Hallowe’en. Kids these days are very cheeky. I had this one youngfella at me door  with his mates last year giving me lip…

  • Trick or treat, trick or treat give us something good to eat
  • What do you call good now lads?
  • Mars bars, maltesers, Yorkie bars
  • I have apples, oranges and bananas … take your pick
  • Ah missus, we don’t accept fruit
  • Why not? It’s good for you
  • Fruit is for lunches.
  • Well you can keep it for your lunch tomorrow.
  • We’re on midterm.
  • So, do you not have lunch at home then?
  • Stop messing missus,  we know you have goodies.
  • Do I now?
  • Yeah, you do this every year, come on, we have other gaffs to call to.
  • Oh well, don’t let me delay you any further… here you go.
  • Jive bars?
  • What’s wrong with Jive bars?
  • They’re from Aldi
  • So?
  • My ma shops in Tescos, we don’t like stuff from Aldi or Lidls
  • Well feck off home to your ma then and get some bars from her
  • Have you nothing else?
  • Yeah…loads, but you won’t be getting it you ungrateful little brats
  • Ah missus!
  • No, feck off now. Anyway, you don’t even live on this estate.
  • So what?
  • So feck off
  • Ah give us the jive bars so.
  • No I will not, now get lost I have other callers to see to.
  • Well then, we have to play a trick on you.
  • How come?
  • It’s called Trick OR treat. We got no treats so we’ve to play a trick
  • Go on then
  • We’ll be back
  • Who are you…Arnold Schwarzenegger?
  • No, Batman
  • Well feck off to your Bat cave son.

Litle fecker came back and threw an egg at me front door!

Some days!. #AtoZchallenge

S

Some days you just have to try to keep your mouth shut, especially with Maisie

  • Have you seen my mobile phone Bernie?
  • No ma.
  • I can never find the bloody thing.
  • You should keep in in your pocket ma.It’s called a mobile for a reason you know. It’s so you can bring it with you wherever you go.
  • Sure nobody ever rings me anyway.
  • Why do you have one then?
  • You never know.
  • Why don’t you just get rid of it?
  • Why should I?
  • It’s just another unnecessary bill ma.
  • Well you’re not paying for it are you?
  • But you never use it.
  • It’s handy for emergencies.
  • Like what?
  • Like when I’m out and I need to contact someone.
  • When do you go out anymore these days?
  • I was out last week.
  • Where?
  • At the hospital
  • You left your phone at home.
  • I knew you had yours with you.
  • So why bother having one then?
  • I don’t need to explain myself to you or anyone.
  • I’m just saying, it’s a waste of money.
  • My money, so mind your own business Bernie.
  • Right I will. I’m off out to the shops.
  • How long will you be?
  • I don’t know.
  • What if I need you.
  • Ring me on your mobile.
  • Go on, I wont need you. I’ll be grand.
  • Grand so.
  • Grand.
  • See you later ma.
  • I’ll keep me phone beside me.
  • I thought you couldn’t find it.
  • It was in me pocket.
  • Grand.
  • So, if you want to ring me…
  • I have your number.
  • …and I have yours Bernie
  • I’m sure you have ma. I’ll ring you  from the shops, in case you think of anything you want.
  • Thanks Bernie.
  • See you later ma.
  • Oh Bernie.
  • What?
  • Will you top up me  phone credit while you’re there.

 

That woman!!

Resemble that remark ;) #AtoZchallenge

R

  • Life is too beautiful to drink alcohol or do drugs.
  • Are you giving up the booze Bernie?
  • No, don’t be mad Jimmy.
  • What are you on about then?
  • Jim Carey.
  • What about him?
  • I’m just reading an article about him here.He said life is too beautiful to drink alcohol or do drugs.
  • Well I’m with him on the drugs bit but jaysis Bernie, ye can’t beat a good pint.
  • Or ten pints where you’re concerned Jimmy.
  • Life is beautiful after a feed of gargle but.
  • How would you know? You can barely walk after a night in the pub.
  • I resemble that remark Bernie.
  • Ye sure do Jimbo…ye sure do.

Every Friday night… 😉