Neighbours #HelpmeRhonda #AtoZChallenge

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  • Where were you Jimmy?  I heard you pull up outside ages ago.Your dinner is ruined.
  • Your one across the road snared me when I got out of the van.
  • Help me Rhonda? What did she want this time?
  • Her fuse blew.
  • Again?
  • Yeah, I told her to stop using that dodgy kettle but she wont listen.
  • You’d think she’d buy a new one, its not like she’s short of a few bob.
  • Its out of the bleedin’ arc. I don’t know how she hasn’t blown herself up yet using that bloody thing.
  • If she had to pay an electrician every time a fuse blew, she’d soon buy a new one.
  • I told her to stop using it, the next time she’ll kill herself.
  • We can only dream.
  • Don’t be mean, Bernie.
  • I think she does it on purpose.
  • What?
  • I think she waits for your van to pull up before she plugs in the bleedin’ thing. Then she’s out the door like  a damsel in distress in her housecoat.’ Help me, Jimmy’. She’s a pain in the arse.
  • Ah I don’t mind, god love her, it must be tough living on your own.
  • She’s never on her own, she has you in every five minutes; If its not her fuse blowing, its her roof leaking, or her sink blocked. I think she fancies you.
  • Would you get away out of that. You don’t say that when I do stuff for Alice next door.
  • Alice is seventy five and needs a hand now and again. Rhonda is only in her forties and well able to sort out her own plumbing.
  • Are you jealous, Bernie?
  • I am in me hole. I just hate people taking liberties.

Jealous? me? As if…

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Marilyn(favourite auntie) #AtoZChallenge

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Auntie Marilyn is mam’s sister. I told her we were going on holiday to Wales to visit friends.

  • I’ve been to Wales with my pal, Pam.
  • What part of Wales did you go to auntie Mar?
  • Holyhead.
  • Sure there’s feck all in Holyhead, what did you do there?
  • We went on a day trip to Dublin on  the ferry.
  • But you live in Dublin.
  • I know that, Bernie.
  • So you went on your holidays to Wales and took a day trip back home?
  • Yes, it was marvelous.
  • but…why?
  • As you said, there was feck all in Holyhead. We were so bored, we booked a day trip for a tenner on the ferry.
  • Did you know it was going to Dublin?
  • Of course we did, we’re not stupid, Bernie.
  • Of course you’re not auntie Mar.
  • There was a band playing on board. We had a few drinks and a dance. We had a fabulous time.
  • So, what did you do when you got to Dublin?
  • We did a bit of shopping on Talbot Street. I bought a lovely pair of slacks in Guineys. Pam bought new net curtains for her downstairs loo.
  • I’ve heard it all now.
  • I would have popped home for a cuppa but we had to be back on the ferry for the return sailing.
  • You got the ferry back? Would you not have been better staying put? Sure you only live around the corner from Guineys.
  • Don’t be silly Bernie, we still had two days left of our holidays and our return ticket.

God bless auntie Marilyn, she cracks me up  🙂

Knickers#AprilAtoZChallenge

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  • What were you doing in my knicker drawer by the way?
  • What?
  • You said you saw my Bisto tin in my knicker drawer.
  • I was packing a bag for you.
  • Because you found my running away money?
  • No, because you were in hospital having the twins and you asked me to bring in more underwear.
  • Oh right.
  • Why do you think I was in your knicker drawer?
  • I don’t know.
  • Are you trying to insinuate something Bernie?
  • Calm down Jimmy, I know you’re not a cross dresser, and if you were, sure my knickers wouldn’t fit you.
  •  Not the ones you wore back then Bernie, they wouldn’t have fit the Michelin man.
  • Fuck off, you’ve some cheek. I’d just carried two of your children for eight and a half months, I was hardly going to be wearing lacy thongs.
  • I was only joking Bernie, stop being so sensitive.
  • You weren’t joking, you were saying I was fat.
  • I just said your knickers were a bit on the big side.
  • Well so were your jox. At least I had a reason for being fat. I was pregnant; what was your excuse?
  • Ah you’re getting personal now Bernie.
  • It hurts doesn’t it Jimmy?

That’ll teach him…cheeky bastard

 

 

 

 

Jimmy ( Running away)#AtoZChallenge

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Does anyone else have a secret stash? Running away money we call it. Mine is in an old  Bisto Tin. My ma gave it to me before I got married. ‘But a few bob in there whenever you can. You never know the day or the hour you might need to get out Bernie’ she said to me.’And don’t tell him about it’ she said.’Why would I need to run away ma?’ ‘You never know what the future holds Bernie’ she said, ‘there’s many a woman who needed to get out of a bad marriage and couldn’t because her husband held the purse strings. Don’t ever get into that situation’. I knew I’d never need it, but after all these years, I still have my Bisto tin. But as for keeping it a secret, well I can’t hide much from my Jimmy. He came home one night and handed me a hundred euro.

  • What’s that for Jimmy?
  • Its for you. I got an extra few bob for selling some scrap metal.
  • So what will I do with it?
  • Do what you like. Buy yourself a new pair of shoes or something.
  • Thanks hon.
  • …or put it in that aul tin of yours.
  • What tin?
  • The one in your knicker drawer. Your Bisto tin.
  • Oh right, me savings box.
  • Your running away money.
  • Pardon? That’s me savings for the holidays.
  • Really? You never said you were saving for a holiday.
  • It was a surprise.
  • Some surprise, you’ve had it for the past twenty five years Bernie. Where are we going? The Bahamas? A world cruise?
  • There’s not that much in it.
  • I don’t imagine there is, sure haven’t you been dipping into it for years for presents and stuff for the kids.
  • How long have you known?
  • I’ve always known Bernie.
  • Why didn’t you say anything?
  • Nothing to say Bernie. Sure doesn’t every woman in Dublin have her running away money? Even me ma.
  • Lily had a Bisto tin?
  • No, she kept hers in an old handbag.
  • Did your da know?
  • Yeah, I think he put the odd few bob into it as well.
  • Was he trying to get her to run away quicker then?
  • Now, now, Bernie, I know you don’t get on with me ma but me da loved her, he knew she spent it all on us.
  • So are you trying to get rid of me then?
  • What do you mean?
  • You just gave me a hundred quid towards me running away fund.
  • You’re still here after twenty five years Bernie. If you were going anywhere, you’d be long gone by now.
  • True.
  • Go buy yourself a new pair of shoes, not runners but.
  • High heels it is then.

 

You can hide nothing from that fella…but hey, I forgot to ask him what he was doing in my knicker drawer…hmmmmm  🙂

bisto1

 

In-laws ( Lily of the valley)#AprilAtoZ

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When you’re young and in love you don’t realise that when you get married, you’re not only marrying him; you’re basically marrying his whole family. If I knew then what I know now, would I still have married him? Probably, but I would definitely have gone ahead with emigrating to Australia, which is what we had talked about. We’d even filled out the application forms and enquired about Visas. However, Jimmy’s ma had other ideas. My pal Julie is married to Jimmy’s brother Ray. She was there when Jimmy told his ma our plans.

  • Australia? What do you want to go to Australia for? Your family is all here James.
  • Yeah but with this recession, there’s feck all work ma. Bernie’s brother is working for a big construction company, he said they’re always looking for workers. He can get me a job as soon as we arrive.
  • Oh, I should have known SHE’D have something to do with this.
  • SHE has a name ma, and we’re getting married so yes she does have something to do with it.
  • I don’t know why you’re rushing into this marriage, you only know each other five minutes.
  • Because we love each other ma, and it’s six months, not five minutes.
  • That one seems desperate to get a ring on your finger; are you sure she’s not pregnant?
  • I proposed to Bernie ma, and no she’s not pregnant.
  • I wouldn’t put it past her to try and trap you into marriage.
  • Ma, what do you have against Bernie?
  • Apart from her trying to take my son to the other side of the world you mean?
  • I keep telling you ma, it’s a joint decision, Bernie is not trying to make me do anything.
  • Well, what about that job with Anthony? I thought you were going to take that?
  • I am going to take it, but it’s only temporary; I’m still applying for Australia.
  • What about me and your da? We’re getting on in years now son. If you emigrate, we might never see you again.
  • Ma, you’re only in your fifties, and you can fly from Australia in twenty four hours. Of course you’ll see me again.
  • Well, with my bad heart, you just never know.
  • Look ma, we’re not going immediately, so stop fretting, and there’s nothing wrong with your heart.

Jimmy’s  da had a massive heart attack six months later and died at the age of fifty five. Lily of the valley, the aul witch is still alive and kicking, and I sometimes wonder if she even has a heart. As for emigrating, it never happened, and even if it did, I don’t think  Australia would have been far enough away from his ma. 🙄

#Hinching #AprilAtoz

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Whitney bought a book and a bottle of wine for me for mothers day.

  • Hinch Yourself Happy. What the fuck is this all about Whit?
  • A woman who cleans her house. I thought it would cheer you up.
  • You thought a book about housework would cheer me up?
  • Well, it’s not just about cleaning. She gives some good tips as well.
  • Here’s a cleaning tip for you love, marry a man who earns enough money to hire someone to do the cleaning.
  • You like a good book ma, I thought you’d enjoy it.
  • I’ve been cleaning up after you lot for nearly thirty years. Whitney. I’ve arthritis in me knees from scrubbing floors, me hands are like prunes from all the washing up and cleaning windows; me back is fucked from hoovering, and on Mother’s day, you seriously think I want to read about some aul one going into raptures about cleaning her oven and bleaching her jax?
  • She’s not an aul one. She’s only in her twenties.
  • Ah jaysis, she has time to wise up then.
  • I follow her on Instagram ma, she cleans in a fun way.
  • The only time housework is fun Whitney, is when you’re sitting back with a large glass of wine watching someone else do it.
  • You might be surprised ma.
  • You know what would surprise me? You actually practicing what you preach for once.
  • What do you mean  ma?
  • Well, if this Mrs. Hinch is so fabulous and housework is such fun, why don’t you do it…or are you just happy watching her on Instagram?
  • Do you not like your Mother’s day present then?
  • Ah Whitney, I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful, but when you get to my age, you don’t tend to get too giddy at the prospect of finding a new toilet cleaner; unless it’s Aggie and Kim or Mrs. Doubtfire that’s the actual cleaner.
  • I tell you what ma; you sit down there and I’ll pour you that large glass of wine. You can chill out while I hoover the stairs .
  • Now you’re talking love.
  • Happy Mother’s day ma.
  • Ah, you’re very good to your aul Mammy.Thanks very much love, cheers for the book. I’ll  have a browse through it while I’m sipping me wine.

It’s not a bad aul read all the same, I was on chapter two before I even noticed, Whitney had hung out me washing and emptied the dishwasher as well. 😊

Maybe this Mrs. Hinch one isn’t so bad after all 😉

 

 

Girls aloud (Liverpool)#AprilAtoZ

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Me and the girls emptied our Bisto tins and fecked off with our running away money…just for the weekend to Liverpool, we came back  like. ( We always come back…well, most of us, but that’s another story altogether)  I couldn’t wait to get away from everything; me ma, the kids, even Jimmy.  As usual, we booked the early morning flight,  but I was bloody knackered before I even got there.

  • Wake up Bernie, we’re here.
  • Jesus that was quick, I only fastened me seat belt five minutes ago.
  • Twenty actually.
  • I cant believe I fell asleep. Was I snoring?
  • You woke the pilot you were so loud.
  • Feck off you.
  • What has you so tired anyway?
  • Three hours sleep and a ride before the 4am alarm
  • Jesus, too much information Bernie.
  • Sorry hon, but I couldn’t let Jimmy go the whole weekend without a bit of how’s your father could I.
  • How do you do it Bernie?
  • I’ll draw you a diagram later hon.
  • You’re alright I think I remember how do do it…well vaguely.
  • Jaysis, has it been that long Pauline?
  • Shush Bernie, no need to tell the whole plane.
  • Calm down love, jesus now I know why you’re so uptight.
  • Excuse me?
  • Ehh, I’m only joking, now come on and grab them bags from the overhead locker, I’m gasping for a drink.
  • Well I tried waking you when the drinks trolley came around, but you wouldn’t budge.
  • You mean you actually had time for a drink?
  • There’s always time for a drink Bernie…even on a twenty minute flight.
  • Well hurry up, I obviously need to catch up with you lot then….come on girls…woop woop…

I love a Liverpool weekender, and I love me pals even more.

I told you we came back 😉