Empty Nest (round two)

 

It was early May. The weather was lovely, and I was looking forward to a relaxing summer in the garden, dining Al fresco at our new patio set;Jimmy barbecuing a few steaks while I tossed a nice salad and poured us both  a cool beer. We were going to enjoy balmy nights on our loungers,listening to music, chatting, drinking wine and worrying about no one but ourselves.  It was the first time we’d lived alone since we were first married; before the twins were born.

Whitney was in Australia with her waste of a space boyfriend, on two year working visa.  Jason was working in the building trade (just like his da) in Canada,Rick had moved to Galway with his new job and was sharing a house with a few lads from work. Kylie, pissed off with her job at the beauty salon, handed in her notice and fecked off to Ibiza, to do God knows what, and Koko  was back packing around Europe with her pals before starting college in September.

Everyone had warned us of empty nest syndrome, said we’d be so lonely and wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves. My arse! I’ve been here before, and they all came back like bleedin’ boomerangs, so this time we were going to make the most of it.We were going to love every minute of it…and when I say minute…

We’d just got back from the airport after dropping Koko at the departures.

Will I carry you over the threshold Bernie?

Feck off, Jimmy, we’re not newly weds, and anyway you have a bad back.

You’re right, Bernie, and you’re not as slim as you were back then. Better not risk it.

Are you saying I’m fat?

I wouldn’t dare.

Whatever…right, I’m just going to take off these jeans and put me shorts on while you fire up the barbie and pop that box of beer into the fridge.

This reminds me of when we really were newlyweds, Bernie.

Aww, does it?

Yeah, you stripping off the minute we got home and then telling me what to do.

Jimmy Violet! You’re a dirty git. 

Get away out of that, you love it.

Go on, I’ll let you rub some factor fuck all into me back if you’re good.

I’ll be up in a minute so, and I promise, I’ll be very good.

You’re incorrigible, Jimmy Violet. Ah for gods sake, is that my phone ringing?  I hope it’s not me ma. I’ll never get out to the sun at this rate.

 

Hello?

Hiya ma.

Whitney love, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you today. I thought you were Facetiming me on Sunday?

I couldn’t wait until Sunday ma.

Why? Is everything ok?

I have some news.

Good or bad?

Both.

Go on…

I lost me job.

Again? That’s the third one since you got there.

But the good news is, I’m coming home.

What? Why? Seriously?

Don’t sound too excited ma.

But I thought you loved Australia. 

Not anymore ma.

Why? 

It’s a long story, but can we stay until I get meself sorted?

I don’t think your da would be too happy to have Gary Boylan living under his roof.

Gary isn’t coming with me ma.

But you said ‘we’, Whitney.

I’m pregnant ma.

Holy mother of divine. What do you mean pregnant?

Pregnant, it means having a baby.

I know what pregnant means.

So?

Aren’t you going to congratulate me?

I’m still trying to get my head around it. How the hell did you manage to get pregnant?

The usual way ma.

Don’t be cheeky miss.

Well, you did ask.

For gods sake, WhitneyI meant , with all the protection available in this day and age, how did you get caught.

Get caught? Jaysis ma, it’s not the nineteen fifties.

All the more reason for you not to be getting pregnant at your age.

I’m twenty three ma.

You’ve your whole life ahead of you Whitney. You said you were going to travel the world before settling down.

I’m in Australia ma. how far around the world do you want me to go? And who said anything about settling down?

Well what else would you be doing with a new baby?

Living my life ma, not worrying about a mortgage and life insurance.

A baby is a big responsibility, Whitney, and you will have to worry about getting somewhere to live…and life insurance. How far gone are you?

Four months.

FOUR MONTHS? And you’re only telling me now.

I kept putting it off, ’cause I knew you’d be disappointed, and I know you don’t like Gary.

I’m not disappointed, and who said I don’t like Gary?

You did. I heard you telling da that Gary was a sleeveen.

If you love him, it doesn’t matter what I think. Is he going to stay in his mas gaff until you get your own place.

He’s not coming home, he’s staying in Australia.

That fucking sleeveen gets you pregnant, and now he’s letting you come home on your own?

He’s not ‘letting’ me ma. It’s my decision.

The little bastard. Your da will batter him.

I already did that ma.

What do you mean?

Well, that’s how I lost me job.

I’m not with you.

I came home early because of morning sickness, and I caught him in bed with me boss.

She’s in bed with your fella, and she fires you?

Well, I didn’t get fired exactly.

What ‘exactly’ happened?

I dragged her fat arse out of my bed and threw her out into the garden in her nip.

You could have done yourself and the baby an injury.

She had the cheek to threaten me with the sack, so I told her to stick her job up her hole.

And what about him?

I haven’t seen him since I gave him a few wallops and threw him out after her. He’s not speaking to me.

He’s not speaking to you? The bloody cheek of him. 

I know. I even threw out the clothes they’d left on the floor, so it’s not as if they were naked for long.

That was nice of you. So why is he annoyed with you? The little gurrier.

I put all of his stuff in bags out on the pavement when they left.

You’re too soft for your own good, Whitney. I’ve always said it. I wouldn’t have wasted the bin bags on him.

Well, the garbage men were calling that morning soooo…

Good girl yourself.

I also gave the keys of the apartment back to the landlord, and because I didn’t give notice, he only gave back half of the deposit. So, I used it to buy a ticket home.

 I suppose he’s moved in with the dirty hussy.

I doubt it.

Why?

I don’t think her husband would be too pleased, that’s if he doesn’t kick her out.

She has a husband?Does he know about his cheating bitch of a wife?

He does now.

Talk about Hell hath no fury.

So, you’re not mad  with me anymore?

I wouldn’t go that far, Whit.

But I can come home?

Of course you can love. You don’t have to ask. This will always be your home.

What about da? 

Ah he can stay as well.

Do you think he’ll do his nut when he hears?

I’m sure he will, but he’ll get over it.

Grand, will you ask him to pick me up from the airport?

When are you arriving?

Half an hour ago.

Are you serious? We’ve just come there after  dropping Koko off.

Nice one, so I’ve the bedroom to meself then.

 

Empty nest my arse!

JIMMY!

I’m coming love. I’m coming.

I don’t think so granddad.

 

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XYZ Rude sausage joke alert! #AtoZchallenge

XYZ

 

Ok so I’m cheating a bit, but as you know I’ve been way behind my AtoZ this month. It’s not everyday  that I have a conversation to relay to you, and today is one of those days so I’m lumping XY and Z in together. I only found out recently that XYZ is slang for eXamine Your Zipper, to let someone know their fly is open, and it brought to mind one of Jimmy’s many rude jokes. If you’re easily offended, please stop reading now…if you like a bit of dirt, carry on. But remember it’s not my joke, but it is the end of my #AprilAtoZblogging challenge.

 

Paddy and Mick fancy a few pints but it’s a few days to payday and they only have one euro between them, so, hatching what they think is a brilliant plan, they go to the butchers and spend it on a large sausage. They go into the first pub and order a pint each and two whiskey chasers. They down the pints and whiskey , then Paddy opens his fly and sticks the sausage in. Mick gets down on his knees and puts the sausage in his mouth. the barman goes berserk and throws them out, forgetting they haven’t paid for their drinks yet. They continue with this in several more pubs, getting drunker and drunker on all of the free drink. After about the tenth pub Mick says ‘Paddy, I don’t know how long more I can do this, I’m pissed as a fart and me knees are killin’ me’. ‘How do you think I feel?’ says Paddy ‘Sure I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in’.

 

Jimmy thinks this is hilarious, and it’s a lot cleaner than some of his other jokes. I hope no one is too offended  😉

#W is forWheelchair friendly #AtoZChallenge

  • I’m of to the bingo Jimmy
  • This early?It’s only half five
  • I’m collecting me ma
  • Maisie’s going to bingo? I thought she couldn’t walk
  • We got a loan of a wheelchair for her
  • Whacker Byrne has a wheelchair friendly bus now has he?
  • No,he’s bleedin’ useless, so we’ve to walk, that’s why I’m leavin’ so early
  • I don’t know how he gets any passengers for the Bingo run at all, sure aren’t they all half dead
  • Here fuck off you, who’re you callin’ half dead?
  • Well apart from yerself and Julie and the Maureen one, they all have one foot in the grave
  • That’s shocking talk Jimmy Violet. They all love the bingo, it’s the only outing they have all week
  • Don’t they get to mass as well, and I’m sure they have a funeral a week to go to. There can’t be too many of them left at this stage. I think Whacker is in the wrong business Ber…he should be driving limos for the undertakers, and he’d get less grief from his passengers.
  • Well he’ll be getting grief off me when I see him, refusing to take me mas wheelchair. He can stick his bus up his swiss from now on. Right I’d better go, me ma will be hangin’ out the window waitin’ for me
  • …and how are ye gettin’ home?
  • We’ll get a taxi if we win
  • …and if ye don’t win?
  • Then I’ll be knackered walkin’
  • Ye can’t be pushin’ Maisie in the dark Ber ,I’ll pick you up.
  • Sure you’ll be in the pub Jimmy, and anyway will a wheelchair even fit into the back of your van with all that shite?
  • It’s not shite, it’s me tools for work Bernie, and sure I’ll go the pub later. Isn’t the bingo over at ten?
  • Yeah but I can’t see a wheelchair fitting in, and sure me ma can’t climb up into that front seat of  the van anyway.
  • I’ll hoosh her up
  • Hoosh her? Me ma is eighty five and she’s just had a knee operation Jimmy, ye can’t hoosh her anywhere
  • I’m only tryin’ to help Bernie, go on and walk so.
  • Ah go on so, but give us a lift to me mas first will ye Jimmy.
  • Will YOU be able to get up into the seat Ber?
  • Sure can’t ye hoosh me up Jimmy
  • I’ll hoosh you any time Bernie
  • Is that a threat Jimmy?
  • It’s a promise Ber
  • You’re right, I am a soft touch.
  • I’ll let ye know.
  • Dirty minded fecker, here you may as well bring us to the Bingo while you’re at it. Get a bit of practice in for when you collect us
  • Ah you’re pushing it now Ber
  • No I’m not. I’m getting a lift off you.

Just as well he collected us; we won feck all again!

V is for…Very rude to visitors #AtoZchallenge

V

 

I told you before that Maisie thinks she can say what she likes, and she usually does. Now that she’s in hospital, she’s even worse than ever before. Me auntie Lil (Ma’s sister in law, who she cant stand) popped in to visit her the other evening. We all know that auntie Lil would talk about herself as long as anyone would listen to her, but Maisie really wasn’t in the mood for her that day.

  • Maisie, Its great to see you looking so well.
  • I’m in hospital Lil, how could I be looking well?
  • When I was in hospital…
  • I don’t want to hear it Lil.
  • I was just trying to make conversation.
  • That’s not conversation, that’s telling me all about your  kidney stones.
  • I thought you’d be interested.
  • I was, the first twenty times you told me.
  • Always the exaggerator Margaret.
  • Whatever, LILIAN, so come on, have you any other news?…and don’t talk about yourself when you’re here; sure we’ll do that when you leave.

Auntie Lil didn’t stay long, and I’ll be very surprised if she comes back.

 

 

 

 

Unhappy #AtoZchallenge

U

I remember when we were only newlyweds, I got chatting in the pub to a neighbour who used to live beside me ma. He was as old as Maisie. (probably about fifty five at the time)

  • Hiya Brian, how are you?
  • There y’are Bernie, I’m grand, all things considering.
  • How’s Mary?
  • Still alive. She’s over there in the corner waiting for her drink.
  • So, what has you out of a Tuesday night then?
  • It’s our wedding anniversary.
  • So why are you looking so unhappy then?
  • I told you; she’s still alive.
  • Get away out of that Brian,How many years are you married?
  • Too many.
  • Ah stop, you’re an awful messer. I bet you’ve been happily married for longer than me and Jimmy.
  • Happily married, Bernie? there’s no such thing. You’re either happy or you’re married; you can’t be both.

I must admit when I saw the frosty face on Mary sitting in the corner, I knew what he meant. God love him, me ma said she was an awful moan bag. I never found out how many years they were married. He ran off with Lydia around the corner six months later. Maisie said she was only surprised he’d stayed so long.

How many of you are as happily married as Mary and Brian?

 

Trick or Treat #AtozChallenge

T

I hate Hallowe’en. Kids these days are very cheeky. I had this one youngfella at me door  with his mates last year giving me lip…

  • Trick or treat, trick or treat give us something good to eat
  • What do you call good now lads?
  • Mars bars, maltesers, Yorkie bars
  • I have apples, oranges and bananas … take your pick
  • Ah missus, we don’t accept fruit
  • Why not? It’s good for you
  • Fruit is for lunches.
  • Well you can keep it for your lunch tomorrow.
  • We’re on midterm.
  • So, do you not have lunch at home then?
  • Stop messing missus,  we know you have goodies.
  • Do I now?
  • Yeah, you do this every year, come on, we have other gaffs to call to.
  • Oh well, don’t let me delay you any further… here you go.
  • Jive bars?
  • What’s wrong with Jive bars?
  • They’re from Aldi
  • So?
  • My ma shops in Tescos, we don’t like stuff from Aldi or Lidls
  • Well feck off home to your ma then and get some bars from her
  • Have you nothing else?
  • Yeah…loads, but you won’t be getting it you ungrateful little brats
  • Ah missus!
  • No, feck off now. Anyway, you don’t even live on this estate.
  • So what?
  • So feck off
  • Ah give us the jive bars so.
  • No I will not, now get lost I have other callers to see to.
  • Well then, we have to play a trick on you.
  • How come?
  • It’s called Trick OR treat. We got no treats so we’ve to play a trick
  • Go on then
  • We’ll be back
  • Who are you…Arnold Schwarzenegger?
  • No, Batman
  • Well feck off to your Bat cave son.

Litle fecker came back and threw an egg at me front door!

Some days!. #AtoZchallenge

S

Some days you just have to try to keep your mouth shut, especially with Maisie

  • Have you seen my mobile phone Bernie?
  • No ma.
  • I can never find the bloody thing.
  • You should keep in in your pocket ma.It’s called a mobile for a reason you know. It’s so you can bring it with you wherever you go.
  • Sure nobody ever rings me anyway.
  • Why do you have one then?
  • You never know.
  • Why don’t you just get rid of it?
  • Why should I?
  • It’s just another unnecessary bill ma.
  • Well you’re not paying for it are you?
  • But you never use it.
  • It’s handy for emergencies.
  • Like what?
  • Like when I’m out and I need to contact someone.
  • When do you go out anymore these days?
  • I was out last week.
  • Where?
  • At the hospital
  • You left your phone at home.
  • I knew you had yours with you.
  • So why bother having one then?
  • I don’t need to explain myself to you or anyone.
  • I’m just saying, it’s a waste of money.
  • My money, so mind your own business Bernie.
  • Right I will. I’m off out to the shops.
  • How long will you be?
  • I don’t know.
  • What if I need you.
  • Ring me on your mobile.
  • Go on, I wont need you. I’ll be grand.
  • Grand so.
  • Grand.
  • See you later ma.
  • I’ll keep me phone beside me.
  • I thought you couldn’t find it.
  • It was in me pocket.
  • Grand.
  • So, if you want to ring me…
  • I have your number.
  • …and I have yours Bernie
  • I’m sure you have ma. I’ll ring you  from the shops, in case you think of anything you want.
  • Thanks Bernie.
  • See you later ma.
  • Oh Bernie.
  • What?
  • Will you top up me  phone credit while you’re there.

 

That woman!!