Slimming world

S

Me and Julie decided to go to slimming world to help us with our weight loss…

  • So, Bernie. You need to lose two stone
  • What? That much?I was thinking just a few pounds
  • I’m afraid not Bernadette
  • Are you sure
  • I’m sure
  • Well I’m not
  • Why are you here Bernie?
  • To lose a bit of weight, get some advice, a bit of encouragement
  • Well I’m advising you to lose two stone and I will encourage you to do it
  • How’s that Marian?
  • By sharing experiences with the group thus encouraging behavioural changes
  • There’s nothing wrong with my behaviour
  • Your eating behaviour
  • I’ve lost four pounds already this month
  • Well you need to lose more. Our image therapy shows you how to eat healthy without starving yourself
  • Well, I’m starving all the time
  • We will help you with that, as well as introducing some physical activity into your everyday life
  • Ah here, I’m not doing aerobics. I’d enough of that shite in the gym
  • You also need to cut down on fizzy drinks, you seem to drink a lot of them
  • Only in me vodka…I can still drink vodka can’t I
  • One or two at weekends is acceptable
  • Glasses or bottles?

 

This is harder than I thought

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Running #AtoZChallenge

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They say you shouldn’t run before you can walk. I don’t know what possessed me to go running with Julie this morning

  • I have to go home Julie
  • What? We’re not even at the top of the road Bernie
  • I can’t do it, I’m sweating, and I’ve a pain in me chest
  • You’ll be grand, come on we’ll just jog slowly
  • That’s what I was doing Julie, and I’m not grand
  • Give it a chance, look , we’ll walk for a few minutes
  • I can’t Julie, I really have to go home
  • Jesus Bernie,we’re only running like less than five minutes
  • I don’t care, I said I HAVE TO GO HOME
  • What the fuck is wrong with you? This was your idea you know. I was happy enough just walking, it was you who said ‘lets run Julie’
  • I’m done running, lets go
  • Oh for fuck sake come on then. What’s the big rush to get home?
  • I’ve wet me knickers o.k.!!!

Bitch thought it was hilarious. Anyway by the time I got home to shower and change, I’d lost interest in running, or even walking for that matter. My bladder has got a lot to answer for…

pee pants

Quark and Quinoa

Q

  • BERNIE!
  • WHAT?
  • WHAT’S THIS WHITE STUFF ON MY PLATE
  • QUARK
  • WHAT?
  • QUARK
  • WHY ARE YOU MAKING DUCK NOISES?
  • WHAT?
  • WILL YOU JUST COME IN TO THE KITCHEN
  • What?
  • What’s this white stuff on my plate?
  • Quark, I told you
  • Ducks quack
  • QUARK … it’s a cheese Jimmy
  • Why didn’t you just say cheese? And what’s this shit?
  • Quinoa
  • What the fuck is that when it’s at home?
  • It’s like a grain
  • What am I? A duck?
  • QUARK!!
  • You’re losing the plot Bernie

duck.0

Ah lads it’s Friday…I need a laugh!

 

Obituary of a dieting housewife #AtoZChallenge

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Best know for her love of karaoke and vodka shots, Bernie Rose Violet lived a full and happy life…until she decided to go on a diet.

”That was the day the music died for me” Bernie said, as she nibbled on a celery stick, and sipped her low cal iced water with a dash of lime.

Her husband Jimmy, who offered to diet alongside Bernie, is inconsolable, but vows to respect Bernie’s wishes

”Life just stopped having any meaning for me, once I gave up chipper chips and breakfast rolls. I mean, where is the excitement in cottage cheese and cabbage soup?” said Jimmy. ”Some days, I feel I just can’t go on, but a promise is a promise. Bernie herself reminded me of that, the last time I saw her … before she left for her slimming world weigh in”.

Bernie urged her friends not to be sad for her

”I know I’m going to a better place. A skinnier place. A place without muffin tops and bingo wings. A place where I can wear skinny jeans and bikinis without being laughed at by skinny bitches; for I too will be that skinny bitch. So don’t cry for me dear friends. I know it will be difficult but just remember…

Dieting is nothing at all ( it’s bloody hard)

It does not count ( but the calories do)

I have just slipped into the next room (upstairs in the centre beside the ladies jax)

Nothing has happened (yet)

Everything is exactly as it was (still fat)

I am I and you are you (jealous or what!)

Life means all that it ever meant ( except I’ll be skinnier)

Laugh as we always laughed (except at my fat arse)

Pray for me ( I’m dying for a chicken curry and a spice bag)

Nothing is lost ( please god a few pounds by next week)

How we shall laugh, when we meet again ( when I’m body beautiful)

Bernie is remembered by her family and friends, especially her unislim pals Marjorie and Tina, who gave up after two days. Bernie refused to give up with them, although they begged her

”Don’t cry for me Marge and Tina …the truth is I never left you, All through my wild days, my mad existence… I kept my promise…I kept my promise” Bernie Rose Violet (Dublin housewife)

”She was always a fucking drama Queen” Jimmy Violet (starving husband)

Until We Meet Again

e

Nice legs shame about the face #AtoZChallenge

Monday with Maisie and she still just says what she’s thinking. I don’t know how she gets away with it …

N

  • Are you still watching your weight Bernie?
  • Along with everyone else ma
  • So how’s it going?
  • It’s not
  • Those bloody diets are a waste of bloody time anyway
  • Tell me about it
  • And all that exercising, is not good for you
  • I’m not getting much exercising done ma
  • Remember aunty Lil?
  • Lovely legs Lilian?
  • Her legs were all she had going for her Bernie
  • Ahh ma
  • After she lost all that weight, she looked shocking
  • Did she?
  • She aged ten years in six months
  • You’re terrible ma
  • I swear to God, as I’m sitting here. She lost a ton of weight, spent her life in the gym and after all that, she looked like a haggard old woman
  • I think the sunbeds had a lot to do with it as well ma, sure she was never off them
  • It was losing too much weight, it didn’t suit her. O.K.  her body was fit enough, she looked like a young one from behind;but jaysis when she turned around, she’d frighten the life out of you
  • Nice legs but…
  • …Shame about the face

 

Now you all know where I get it from  …

 

 

Pass remarkable pals#AtoZChallenge

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You know the ‘friends’ that haven’t a bleedin’ clue but comment anyway!

  • You coming for a pint tonight Ber?
  • Not tonight Tina, I’m saving myself for the weekend
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m grand, just watching me weight
  • Are you still on about your weight?
  • What do you mean ‘STILL on about my weight’?
  • You’re obsessed Bernie
  • I am not
  • You are, all you talk about these days is food and calories
  • Well we can’t all be skinny Minnies
  • I said I’d diet with you
  • Stoppit will you…You’re not called Tiny Tina for nothing
  • I was trying to be supportive Bernie
  • You had a salad one day two weeks ago….whoop dee doo, go you!
  • …and I went to Slimming World with you
  • That went down well with you arriving in your size eight skinny jeans and belly top… way to go Tina
  • I can’t help being skinny
  • You can help by not flaunting it in a slimming world class. You thought it was hilarious.Don’t think I didn’t see you smirking when Marjorie got on the scales
  • I wasn’t smirking
  • I bet you went straight round to Melanies gaff to tell her about the fatties getting weighed
  • I was just being a friend
  • Yeah right…and I’m trying to lose weight
  • …and becoming a boring shite in the process
  • Excuse me?
  • There’s more to life than dieting and talking about calories Bernie
  • Oh and you’d know all about dieting wouldn’t you? Well, I won’t be able to bore you tonight will I? Seeing as I’m staying in
  • Don’t be like that Bernie
  • Like what? Boring? Fat?
  • Ah now you’re just being stupid. You just need to wear the right clothes and…
  • Fuck off Tina, and mind you don’t slip down a drain on your way to the pub
  • There’s no need to be rude Bernie
  • I haven’t even started Tina

fat girl

 

Jaysis, with friends like her, who needs chocolate

MCDonalds #AtoZChallenge

M

 

  • How’s the diet coming along?
  • Don’t mention diets to me. I’ve a pain in me swiss with diets
  • What one is it now?
  • Well, I’m meant to be on the keto one, but all I seem to do is eat eggs, fish,meat, chicken cheese and chocolate
  • Doesn’t sound too bad to me, and you love fish
  • Yeah, a smoked cod in batter, surrounded with chips, onion rings and curry sauce
  • Lovely
  • Well, I can’t have that, mine has to be steamed or boiled, no batter
  • Ooooh, sounds nasty
  • It is nasty, and I’m sick of chocolate
  • I’m sure you don’t have to eat the chocolate
  • I’d kill for a McDonalds
  • One won’t kill you I’m sure
  • Well, I am allowed some carbs…and burgers are meat… and I can ask for extra cheese on my Bic Mac
  • There ye go Bernie, problem solved
  • I might even treat meself to a McFlurry

This diet lark is not so bad after all 😉