Month: August 2017

Alcoholliers

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 11 Comments

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  • How was the holiday Kylie?
  • Great ma, but I need a holiday to get over it
  • You didn’t get much of a tan did you?
  • The sun doesn’t shine indoors ma
  • I don’t know why you go away to the sun at all
  • Why?
  • You spend your whole time drinking and partying
  • That’s what holliers are for ma
  • Sure you could do that at home, save yourself a fortune
  • You sound like me nanny
  • I do not…wash your mouth out
  • You do
  • I’m only saying that it’s a shame to go away to the sun and not enjoy it
  • I did enjoy it
  • Did you even see the sun?
  • Yeah every morning on the way home
  • And you probably spent the day in bed
  • More or less yeah. I needed to build up me strength for the next night
  • You could have slept by the pool and got a tan at the same time
  • Sure by the time we got home the bleedin’ Germans already had their towels down. It’s impossible to get a sun bed by the pool
  •  Bloody Germans are always the same
  •  We got there before them one morning, there was murder
  • What happened
  •  ‘Zis iz my bed, you must move frauhlein, and where iz mein towel?
  • What did you say?
  • ‘I didn’t see your bleedin’ towel Adolf’ says I ‘now jog on son’ Then his bird started freaking out ‘I vill speak to ze manager. Vot haf you don wiz our towels?’Zis is our bed
  • I hope you told her to feck off,
  • I told her… “The sign says no towels on sunbeds before 8am, and we got here at 7 now back off Brunhilde , you’re blocking me sun”
  • The cheek of her
  • Anyway, they did feck off, but they arrived back an hour later when we were on our way to bed
  • So they got their beds back
  • No. we’d already given them  to two chaps from Glasgow
  • I’d like to have heard that conversation
  • ”Awee and bile yer head”
  • What?
  • That’s what the Scottish lads said to them
  • …and what does that mean?
  • Fucked if I know ma…but it got rid of them.

 

What am I rearing at all?

” She didn’t lick it off a stone” says Jimmy

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I’m Going To Be Changing Things Up a Bit and I’ll Need Your Help

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 1 Comment

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Altar Ego…Me ma would say mass if you let her

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 9 Comments

 

You know when some people say “I’d give anything just to have another hour with me ma” Well you know what I feel like saying to them sometimes? “Take mine, and keep her for as long as you like love”. They’d be throwing her back after five minutes I tell ye…

  • Morning ma
  • Morning Bernadette
  • So were you out this morning?
  • I was, no thanks to you
  • What do you mean
  • Oh nothing. I know you’re busy, it doesn’t matter
  • Jaysis ma, you know you can be such a pain in the arse
  • What did you say
  • I said…did you go to mass ?
  • I did. Your brother brought me
  • That’s nice
  • Bernard, not Frank
  • Good old St. Bernard
  • Leave Bernard alone
  • With pleasure
  • So how’s father Mulcahy?
  • Sure Fr. Mulcahy retired years ago Bernie
  • He gave me my first communion, bless him. So who’s doing mass now?
  • Father Slevin. Lovely chap from Cork, he does a lovely mass
  • Does he? That’s nice
  • Very uplifting sermon
  • Sounds great ma, and did you get a nice bit of communion as well?
  • For God’s sake Bernie, it’s the body of Christ, not a lump of roast beef from the butchers…a nice bit of communion…I ask you
  • Jaysis ma I was only enquiring
  • Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to mass..or confession for that matter
  • Christmas ma
  • Christmas? That’s shocking Bernie
  •  1989
  • Are you serious? I brought you up a good catholic girl and you don’t even go to mass
  • You don’t need to go to mass to be a good person ma
  • You need to thank god for your blessings
  • I can thank God at home ma
  • It’s not the same at all Why is it not the same? No point in being a hypocrite like some of them aul ones on your road
  • Who?
  • That Mrs. Crowley for starters. Up kissing the altar rails every morning then bitching about the other aul ones as soon as she gets as far as Tesco’s
  • Ah don’t mind that aul Biddy. You can’t compare other people to her. She’s an aul bitch. Sure didn’t her poor husband die just to get away from her
  • Didn’t you just get mass and communion ma?
  • I told you I did Bernie
  • Well I think you might need a trip to confession now, never mind me
  • Why
  • Calling Mrs. C an aul bitch
  • I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the lord himself know it
  • Holy jaysis ma
  • Stop taking the lords name in vain, there’s no need for it.
  • Says you slagging the neighbours
  • I’m not slagging, I’m just stating the obvious, but you’re forever blaspheming
  • Alright ma, get down off the altar will you for fuck sake
  • Stop cursing
  • Alright Mother Teresa, I’ll just go put the kettle on

That aul one is the giddy limit sometimes …

Elvis… Always on my mind

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 10 Comments

Me and Lynn went to an Elvis tribute night down the pub last night. They were celebrating the 40th anniversary of his death. Forty years!! Can you believe it?

 

Elvis

  • Where were you when Elvis died Bernie?
  • You mean the exact minute he died or when I heard he died?
  • When you heard he died of course…how would you know the exact minute he died unless you were there in the bathroom with him.
  • That is if he really died in the bathroom Lynn.That could just be a story, a cover up for what really happened.
  • Why would they say he died in the bathroom if he didn’t? You’ve a very’ suspicious mind’ Bernie
  • You know them Americans all love a good story, a crazy headline. ‘Elvis dies watching telly’ doesn’t’ have the same impact as ‘Elvis dies on the jax eating a burger’
  •  I don’t think they said he did eating a burger. I think they said he’d eaten a burger before he died.
  • Well they were hardly going to say he’d eaten a salad with cous cous and a glass of still water were they?
  •  I don’t think Elvis was much of a salad eater
  • Neither is that chap onstage by the look of him
  • He’s a big chap alright
  •  ‘The King is dead’ isn’t that what they said?
  •  I can’t remember but that is a good headline. Click bait…isn’t that what they’d call it now?
  • If it was today, it would be on twitter with a picture of the burger before the ambulance arrived
  • There’s not much privacy these days is there Bern?
  • I was in me grannies having a bowl of cornflakes
  • What?
  • ‘…When Elvis died. You asked me where I was when Elvis died.  I was staying in me grannies with Imelda when me ma was in hospital having our Aaron
  • Did your ma call him Aaron after Elvis because it was his middle name and he was born the day Elvis died?
  • No she called him Elvis after Elvis, but he was slagged in school over it so he told everyone his name was Aaron
  • So is his middle name Aaron too?
  • No, it’s  Bartley …after me granda. Aaron is his third name
  • Elvis Bartley Aaron?
  • Yeah,shite isn’t it? Scarlet for him. He reckoned Aaron was better than Bartley
  • I don’t blame him
  • Me granda wasn’t too please but
  • Who the fuck calls their child Bartley?
  • My great granny, that’s who. Anyway, it was on the nine o’clock news that morning
  • What was?
  • About Elvis dying, for  jaysis sake Lynn, keep up will you
  • Sorry Bernie, I’m still thinking about poor Aaron
  • Me granny always listened to RTE radio in the mornings…The news and Gay Byrne, every morning. I couldn’t believe it.
  • I couldn’t believe people listened to Gay Byrne either
  • No, I couldn’t believe Elvis was dead, for fuck sake Lynn, how many vodkas have you had?
  • Not enough obviously, judging by this conversation
  • Me sister was bawling crying. Imelda loved Elvis. She had posters of him on our bedroom wall
  • I had Donny Osmond and David Cassidy
  •  I had T. Rex. You know Marc Bolan died exactly a month after Elvis?… in a car crash on the way home from a party in Rod Stewart’s gaff.
  •  That’s a real rock n roll way to die isn’t it? Elvis might have been the King but his death wasn’t very rock n roll was it?
  • He’d be eighty one if he was still alive
  • He wouldn’t be shaking his hips much on a zimmerframe at eighty one Bernie
  • Sure he’d have had new hips by now
  • And a few face lifts, trying to stay young like the rest of them
  • He’ll be forever young
  • Wearing his blue suede shoes
  • Some people say he never died…  Another cover up
  • Where is he then?
  • God only knows, living on some tropical island with Marc Bolan and Buddy Holly.
  • My ma loved Buddy Holly
  • Mine too. You know she wanted to call me Peggy Sue
  • Seriously? Yeah, but me da put his foot down, said no child of his was being called after his mother in law
  • You’re grannies name was Peggy Sue?
  • No, Margaret, but everyone called her Peggy
  • I need another drink Bernie
  • I’ll call the waitress… ”Excuse me love, two double vodkas and coke when you’re ready”… He was only twenty two, Lord rest him
  • Who?
  • Buddy fucking Holly. Do you want to go out and come back in Lynn, because you’re not with it tonight
  • Ask me hoop Bernie. I can’t keep up with all these dead celebs
  • You shouldn’t have come to an Elvis tribute show then
  • You’re just confusing me, anyway I thought he was older. He looked older but didn’t he?
  • Who Elvis?
  • No, Buddy Holly, jaysis, now who’s confused?
  •  I think it was the glasses.
  • He did really die though
  • I hope so…they buried him
  • You’re getting worse Bernie. Here, this Elvis chap is a long time on his break isn’t he?
  • Probably sent out for a burger. I hope he’s not eating it on the jax
  • I’m going to ask him to sing Blue Christmas when he comes back
  • It’s bleedin’ August Lynn!
  • He’s an Elvis tribute and I want to hear Blue Christmas
  • Whatever floats your boat love, anyway he died in a plane crash
  • I thought he died on the jax
  • Not Elvis; Buddy Holly ye big eejit
  • I told you to stop confusing me
  • So did Patsy Cline. Our Patsy is named after her
  • Are all your family named after famous dead people then?
  • Yeah, except me. I’m named after saint Bernadette
  • She’s dead
  • She wasn’t famous though…except in the catholic church I suppose
  • So many stars died too soon Bernie… Michael Jackson… Prince…Freddie Mercury
  • …Bob Marley…Jim Morrison..
  • David Bowie… I loved David Bowie
  •  Jimi Hendrix…
  • Amy Winehouse.
  • Karen Carpenter…. jaysis we’re very cheerful tonight aren’t we?
  • Marilyn
  • I thought Marilyn Manson was still alive?
  • No Marilyn Monroe
  • Hardly a rock star but
  • Oh I thought we were just talking about dead stars
  • We were talking about Elvis
  • Oh yeah
  • So where were YOU then?
  • When?
  • When Elvis died?
  • Fucked if I can remember Bernie, sure I was only five
  • You were in your swiss! I think we should just listen to the music and have ‘A little less conversation’ Lynn,yeah?
  • Here he is back onstage, throw your knickers at him Bernie, I dare you. ”G’WAN ELVIS … you aint nothin’ but a hound dog…”

I sometimes wonder how I’m still friends with this girl!