• That Simon Cowell is an awful gobshite Bernie
• I like him
• How can you like him?
• He’s gorgeous
• D’ye think?
• Ye, his eyes crinkle up when he smiles
• I’d say his arse does too Bernie
• No need for that Jimmy
• Does he never get sick wearing the same tee shirt but?
• It’s not the same tee shirt. He has loads of them
• How do you know?
• I just know
• Them trousers though Ber, if they were up any higher they’d be around his bleedin’ neck
• He obviously likes them like that. Just because you wear yours hanging off your arse doesn’t mean he has to
• I do not
• You give builders bum a bad name when you bend over
• You’re very critical Bernie. I’m sorry I’m not as fit as your Simon
• He’s not my Simon. I just like him that’s all
• He’s very harsh on some of them poor…

There was a knock on the door one day. I opened it to some young fella looking for my son…

• Is Viler coming out
• Who
• Viler
• There’s no one here by that name
• He told me he lived here
• Who are you?
• Dotsie
• Dotsie? What kind of a name is that
• I’m Daniel Doherty, me friends call me Dotsie
• Why?
• It’s a nickname, like Viler
• Who’s Viler?
• Richard Violet. Does he not live here then?
• Richard lives here; Viler doesn’t
• Everyone calls him Viler, it’s short for Violet
• Well I prefer Richard, I don’t like nicknames
• No one calls him Richard, he’ll be scarlet
• He can be scarlet all he likes. You can call him Rick
• Rick? That’s a bit gay isn’t it?
• And Dotsie is so masculine?
• No need to be sarcastic Mrs.
• Sorry Daniel. I called him Rick after Rick Astley
• Who?
• You know the singer ‘Never…