Balls

golf-flag-19th-hole-md

Jimmy got some bad news down the pub last night. He was a bit upset when he came home

  • You’ll never guess who’s dead Bernie
  • Who
  • Guess
  • I don’t know
  • You’ll never guess
  • Well tell me then
  • Just guess tho’
  • Why do you always do this
  • Do what
  • Turn everything into a guessing game. Just bleedin’ tell me
  • But just guess
  • Elvis
  • Ah fuck off Bernie .Everyone knows Elvis is dead
  • Michael Jackson
  • You’re messin’ Bernie
  • Clint Eastwood
  • No, it’s someone we know
  • I know Clint
  • Clint Eastwood isn’t dead Bernie, and you don’t know him
  • Oh, I’m thinking of Barney Eastwood
  • You don’t know him either
  • Well just tell me then. Do I know them
  • Of course you know them. I wouldn’t be asking you to guess if you didn’t know them
  • Give us a clue
  • He drinks down the pub
  • Everyone we know drinks down the pub Jimmy
  • It’s a man
  • Jack Byrne
  • No
  • Paul Duggan
  • No
  • I give up, tell me
  • Shaymo Lawlor
  • No way
  • Yeah way. I knew you’d never guess
  • He’s only your age Jimmy
  • I know, scary isn’t it
  • I thought you were going to say one of the aul lads from the back bar
  • Gods waiting room ye mean
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • Sure jaysis, they’re all half dead Bernie, and there’s Shaymo fit as a fiddle, cut down in his prime
  • Not that fit Jimmy, he’s dead
  • That’s brutal
  • Aww, poor Shaymo. How did it happen
  • Massive heart attack on the golf course
  • That’s shocking
  • I know. This is why I never took up golf Bernie. You’re always hearing of chaps kicking the bucket on the golf course
  • You never took up golf because you said it’s boring
  • Well that as well
  • It’s hardly a strenuous sport like
  • It’s more of a social sport
  • Like snooker ye mean
  • There’s nothing wrong with snooker
  • I never said there was
  • You were being smart Bernie. I played football in me day
  • I know. Sure didn’t I spend most of me Saturdays off standing on the sidelines cheering you on Jimmy
  • You did Ber, you did. Those were the days
  • You were a great footballer in your day love
  • What do you mean, in my day? I can still kick a football
  • I’m sure you can
  • I’m not dead yet
  • Look at poor Shaymo, he could kick a football too Jimmy
  • He’s kicked the bucket now Ber. Poor sod, never knew what hit him. I’d like to go like that.
  • But you don’t play golf Jimmy
  • I mean ,out with the lads, having the craic
  • I thought he was on the golf course
  • Well he was having a few pints at the nineteenth hole, same thing
  • So it wasn’t the golf that killed him
  • Golf doesn’t kill ye Bernie
  • It does if you get hit hard enough in the head by a golf ball
  • That’s shocking Bernie. The poor chap is barely cold and you’re making jokes
  • Ah sorry Jimmy
  • Ah, I’m only messin’, Shaymo would have thought it was funny
  • Shaymo was very fond of the beer. I’d say that didn’t do him any favours health-wise
  • Nothing wrong with a few pints Bernie
  • A few yeah, but no need to go mad
  • Look who’s talking. I’ve seen you skull more than a few when you’re with the girls
  • Not every night tho’ Jimmy. Shaymo was down that pub every night
  • He liked the banter with the lads.
  • …and the beer
  • Sure that’s the whole point of going the pub Bernie…beer and banter
  • You’ll be drinking in Gods waiting room soon
  • I will in me arse.
  • You won’t be taking up golf then
  • No way. I’ll stick to me snooker for now. Golf is too dangerous
  • It’s all balls to me Jimmy
  • That’s harsh Bernie

R.I.P. Shaymo

X Factor

I’m tellin’ ye now if Simon gives Ronan Keating a job as judge on X Factor I’ll never forgive him!

dublinhousewife

X

  • That Simon Cowell is an awful gobshite Bernie
  • I like him
  • How can you like him?
  • He’s gorgeous
  • D’ye think?
  • Ye, his eyes crinkle up when he smiles
  • I’d say his arse does too Bernie
  • No need for that Jimmy
  • Does he never get sick wearing the same tee shirt but?
  • It’s not the same tee shirt. He has loads of them
  • How do you know?
  • I just know
  • Them trousers though Ber, if they were up any higher they’d be around his bleedin’ neck
  • He obviously likes them like that. Just because you wear yours hanging off your arse doesn’t mean he has to
  • I do not
  • You give builders bum a bad name when you bend over
  • You’re very critical Bernie. I’m sorry I’m not as fit as your Simon
  • He’s not my Simon. I just like him that’s all
  • He’s very harsh on some of them poor…

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Nicknames

I can’t believe Rick will be 28 this year. Some of his mates still call him Viler. This was number one in the charts when he was born 🙂

dublinhousewife

N

There was a knock on the door one day. I opened it to some young fella looking for my son…

  • Is Viler coming out
  • Who
  • Viler
  • There’s no one here by that name
  • He told me he lived here
  • Who are you?
  • Dotsie
  • Dotsie? What kind of a name is that
  • I’m Daniel Doherty, me friends call me Dotsie
  • Why?
  • It’s a nickname, like Viler
  • Who’s Viler?
  • Richard Violet. Does he not live here then?
  • Richard lives here; Viler doesn’t
  • Everyone calls him Viler, it’s short for Violet
  • Well I prefer Richard, I don’t like nicknames
  • No one calls him Richard, he’ll be scarlet
  • He can be scarlet all he likes. You can call him Rick
  • Rick? That’s a bit gay isn’t it?
  • And Dotsie is so masculine?
  • No need to be sarcastic Mrs.
  • Sorry Daniel. I called him Rick after Rick Astley
  • Who?
  • You know the singer ‘Never…

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Forty something

Violet roses

So it was my birthday and I thought Jimmy forgot. He just went off to work as normal without even saying goodbye. It’s not like it was just any normal birthday. I was fifty, imagine Bernie Rose being fifty. Fifty is a big one. Fifty is fucking huge, and he just fecked off to work and never said a word. I didn’t feel fifty. I didn’t want to be fifty. I wanted to be thirty. Thirty was great. You were long past teenage insecurities and twenty something foolishness. Thirty was grown up but not old. You could be glamorous and still wear the latest fashion without getting  funny looks off young ones in communal changing rooms. Even forty wasn’t too bad. I never looked forty. I seemed to go from my thirties straight into fifty.Maybe that’s because I was thirty eight until I was forty five so really I was only in my forties for five years. But when you’re fifty, it’s a whole different ball game altogether.  You have to wear sensible clothes and sensible shoes and act sensible too, because you’re old now, really old to some people. I don’t feel old, I feel young inside. I want to dance and sing and act the gobshite down the pub with me mates. Actually, come to think of it, I dance and sing and act the gobshite down the pub every week with me mates. D’ye know what? Fuck it, fuck fifty and fuck everyone who calls me old. ‘Sure you’re only as old as the man you feel’ says Julie. ‘But Jimmy is fifty two Julie’ says I. ‘Ah you’re knackered so Bernie’ says she. ‘Fuck him too’ says I. ‘Sure he didn’t even remember me birthday’.

Jimmy came in from work at lunchtime, threw his boots on the kitchen floor and sniffed the air. I think he was looking for something to eat. Well you can sniff all you want today love I thought

  • What are you sniffing at?
  • I don’t smell anything
  • Do ye not, well you won’t either unless it’s off  them boots
  • I can’t get a smell off them
  • I can, put them out at the back door
  • They’re not that bad Bernie
  • They’re rotten, put them out
  • That’s the smell of hard work Bernie
  • Hard work? Sure it’s only one o’clock and your home already
  • We finished the job early is that OK with you?
  • Finish what time ye like as long as you’re not looking for me to cook for ye
  • keep you’re wig on for Jaysis sake
  • I’m not wearing a wig, what’s wrong with my hair
  • Nothing, It’s just a saying love
  • Don’t love me
  • Jasus, what’s up with you?
  • Nothing wrong with me, why would there be something wrong with me?
  • I don’t know but you’ve a face on you like a bleedin’ boiled onion
  • Have I now, and how old do you think that onion would be?
  • I don’t know. You’re talking in riddles today Bernie
  • I must be going dotty in me old age Jimmy
  • Why do you keep going on about age? Who said you were old?
  • I said…I said I’m bleedin’ old right. But what’s it to you? You don’t give a shite how old I am. All you care about is if you’re poxy dinner is ready. Coming in here, sniffing the air, throwing your smelly boots on me clean floor and telling me I look like and onion and I need a wig. You didn’t even notice I got me hair done. You don’t even know what day it is. You’re a selfish arse hole Jimmy Violet.
  • Ah here, calm down love. I’m sorry. Of course I know what day it is.
  • Do you really?
  • Yeah, it’s Monday
  • Fuck off ye bastard
  • Ah, I’m only messin’ with ye Bernie. I know it’s your birthday
  • Well, how come you never said happy birthday. How come you went off to work without waking me up. How come you never even bought me a card or a present?
  • I never said happy birthday because you said I wasn’t to mention your birthday when you got to fifty. You said you’d beat the head off me if I ever mentioned your birthday when you reached fifty…and I didn’t wake you up because you didn’t go to bed til 4am after being out with the girls last night and I thought you’d appreciate the lie in.
  • But you could have got me a card at least…or flowers. You know I love flowers
  • What do you think that is in the hallway Bernie?

I walked out to the hallway, and there was a huge bouquet of me favourite flowers,  and not ones from the garage either. Fabulous violet roses from a real florists they were

  • Ah Jimmy, they’re gorgeous
  • Just like you Bern
  • I’m sorry I gave out to ye
  • I’m sorry I didn’t wake you up this morning
  • I’m not, I was feckin’ dying of a hangover
  • So you won’t be feeling hungry then?
  • Ah feck off are you on about your dinner again?
  • I’m bleedin’ starvin’ Ber. All I had to eat all day was a breakfast roll for me break
  • Well, I’ve nothing in. the kids are all out so I wasn’t going to  bother cooking
  • No worries love . We’ll go out to dinner
  • Are you serious Jimmy? Where will we go?
  • I fancy McDonalds
  • McDonalds? Jaysis, don’t go overboard will ye
  • I hear the one in the airport is nice
  • Why would we go all the way to the airport for McDonalds Jimmy?
  • Because that’s where our flight is leaving from
  • Flight? What flight?
  • Our flight to gay Paris Bernie
  • No way!
  • Yes way
  • But you never book flights or holidays for me Jimmy
  • Well you’ve never been fifty before Bernie
  • I told you not to mention the F word
  • Sorry Ber, Forty nine, is that F ok?Now go get ready while I have a shower
  • I’ll have to iron clothes and pack a case and everything Jimmy
  • It’s already in the boot of the car
  • Who packed it?
  • I did, when you were out last night. Julie helped me
  • So that’s why she was late to the pub. She said she was waiting for Ray to come home to give her a lift
  • Well she was hardly going to tell you the truth was she
  • Ah, you’re both brilliant
  • I know we are, now hurry up or we’ll be late. It’s time we started celebrating your forty ninth birthday Ber
  • Nice one Jimmy, but I might just stick at forty eight like last year if that’s OK
  • Jasus, I’ll never understand you Bernie

Ah he’s a grand aul skin all the same   🙂