Z (1).jpg

  • Buckle up Bernie, I can’t believe we’re off to Benidorm
  • I know Julie, when you think of where we should be
  • I wonder how Ger’s gettin’ on?
  • Like I’m bothered, I’m just relieved I’m off the hook
  • Ah, Ger’s not de worst Ber. She’s ok
  • Yeah, in small doses, but for an entire weekend, sharin’ de same room? No thanks
  • Ah she’s delighted to have de two girls with her all de same and she couldn’t sing your praises enough for giving Willow your place
  • If only she knew
  • You’ll burn in hell Bernie Rose
  • Says you! You were only goin’ in de first place because Anto was payin’
  • So were you
  • Is Anto still goin’ to the Euros with Jimmy and Ray?
  • Well his ticket is booked, but Ger doesn’t know yet
  • He’s some gobshite, booking a Spa break for her so she wouldn’t be at home alone when he’s in France
  • …and so she’d let him actually go to France
  • …then he books de Spa for May and the Euros don’t start until June
  • He’s a fuckin’ eejit alright, why de hell did he do that?
  • He said he put de wrong dates in when he was bookin’ online and when he tried to change it they were booked out  until September and they wouldn’t give him a refund
  • So now he’s de one home alone
  • He’ll love that. Sure he’ll probably spend his time over eatin’ dirty big fry ups in his mas and den down de pub with Ray and Jimmy
  • He’ll have a ball…a weekend without bean sprouts and nut roasts
  • ..and Lily will be delighted to have her boys all to herself
  • A great weekend will be had by all
  • Good luck to dem
  • Oh look, the seatbelt sign is on Ber, we’re away..woohoo
  • Don’t talk to me ’til we’re up Julie, me nerves are gone. You know I hate takin’ off
  • Here we go, zoom baby.I wonder what speed he’s doin’?
  • Stoppit Julie
  • Ah we’ll be up in no time and sure you’ll be grand after a few scoops
  • Are we up yet?
  • Yes, you can open your eyes now Ber
  • Grand, now, any sign of dat drinks trolly?

plane in air

You’ll never walk alone

Y (1)

  • About time the Hillsborough victims got justice Da
  • You’re right son. It should never have taken this long
  • I wasn’t even born when it happened
  • All those years blaming the supporters.
  • …blaming the victims for their own death
  • There were definitely too many people in the stadium bu’
  • Oh there’s no doubt about that, but to blame them was a bleedin’ disgrace
  • … and the lies printed in them bloody rags; shocking
  • …and the police. It seems to me they thought  just because they were workin’ class supporters, they were hooligans
  • You know they took blood samples from the dead to see if they’d alcohol in their system?
  • Are ye serious da? What’s havin’ a few pints got to do with it?
  • Sure jaysis don’t we all have a few pints before a match? It doesn’t mean we’re yobos
  • What the families of those victims went through was desperate altogether
  • At least now they’ve got justice
  • It was great the way they all stuck together; the supporters and their families wasn’t it da?
  • Liverpool always had great supporters. Their anthem suits them down to a T
  • Great song
  • Great
  • They can rest in peace at last
  • You’ll never walk alone

X marks the spot

X (1)


  • What are you doing with the pin Bernie?
  • Apart from stickin’ it in your arse ye mean?
  • Why? What did I do?
  • I just got off the phone from Ger
  • Ger Byrne?
  • No, your sister in law Ger
  • Oh right, how’s young Petrocelli doin’
  • Her name is Patchouli Jimmy, for fuck sake, how many times have you to be told?
  • Yeah yeah, whatever
  • Anyway, stop changin’ de subject
  • What subject?
  • Of you tellin’ Ger I couldn’t wait to go to the health farm with her. How I was counting the minutes ’til de weekend
  • Oh that, yeah, ha right
  • You’re not bleedin’ funny Jimmy
  • Well you were de one who said you didn’t want her to know you didn’t want to go
  • So, you decided to tell her I was livin’ for it?
  • Ah now I wouldn’t go that far Ber
  • Well I would! It took me ages to convince her to give my place to Willow
  • But sure she was tryin’ to book Willow in yesterday when I was over. Practically begged yer one to squeeze her in for de weekend.
  • …and you didn’t think to tell me that? Or to suggest Willow went instead of me?
  • …well it wasn’t my place
  • My arse Jimmy. You’re such a knob head sometimes.
  • No need for dat talk Bernie
  • Ders every need Jimmy Violet
  • Anyway, what’s dat got to do with you brandishing a pin in my direction
  • I’m goin’ to stick it in a map of Spain
  • Why?
  • Because wherever it lands, is where I’m goin’
  • When?
  • The weekend I was meant to go to the Health farm
  • Why?
  • Because I’m SOOOOO disappointed I’m not going with Ger, I need to get away
  • On yer own?
  • Julie’s comin’ with me
  • I thought she was lookin’ after her sick mother
  • Her ma is much better now and her auntie May is comin’ over to visit, so Julie is free for de week. Right ,hold dat map straight for me ‘
  • Mind where yer wavin dat pin, will ye open yer eyes Bernie
  • Right, where did it land?
  • Give us a look Ber. Sierra Nevada. That’s a mountain range. Are yiz goin’ mountain climbin’?
  • Fuck off, give us yer pen for a minute
  • Here. What’s that for
  • X marks de spot Jimmy
  • Benidorm? Dat’s bleedin’ miles from there
  • Close enough for me Jimmy
  • You’re some bleedin’ chancer. I bet you already have Benidorm booked haven’t ye
  • Ask no questions Jim Bob…right I’m off out to buy a new swimsuit. See ye later alligater…your dinner is in de chipper
  • That’s lovely alright!


Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together 😉

bikini 2


W (1)

  • Hiya Ger
  • Oh Bernie how are you?
  • Grand, just ringin’ to see how Pat’s doin’?
  • Patchoulli is much better thanks.
  • Ah great. Ray said she was very bad
  • It was very traumatic,having a dead animal inside her
  • It was only a burger Ger, and sure there’s feck all meat in dem things inannyway
  • Meat is meat Bernadette. The whole episode was very upsetting for her.
  • Ah well, she’s on de mend now, dat’s the main thing Ger
  • She’s really looking forward to our weekend
  • Ah dat’s nice, and how’s Willow?
  • Delighted to be home from college. She’s teaching Patchoulli  Lunaception at the moment
  • What’s that?
  • It helps regulate menstruation by aligning your cycle with the moon
  • Far out man. So what’s Willow up to while we’re away?
  • Oh she’ll keep herself busy with her  Pilates  and catching up with friends
  • It’s a pity she couldn’t come with us
  • Well, I did think of bringing her but the Spa is all booked up that weekend.
  • Aww no way. Dat’s a bummer Ger
  • She was disappointed
  • Such a pity
  • I know. It would have been so lovely for us all to have a bonding mother/daughters session in a calm environment. It’s been so long since the three of us have spent time together
  • That would have been lovely aright Ger
  • Oh well never mind
  • D’ye know what Ger, I’ve a great idea. How about Willow going in my place
  • Oh Bernadette, I couldn’t ask that of you
  • You’re not askin’. I’m offerin’
  • But you’ve been so looking forward to it. Jimmy was only saying yesterday that you were counting the days
  • Was he now?
  • He said how excited you were
  • Did he really?
  • So thanks but I couldn’t ruin your weekend
  • Ah Ger, to be honest, I wouldn’t enjoy meself knowin’ poor Willow was home alone. Especially since she’s been so long away. So, I insist she goes in my place
  • Bernadette, I don’t know what to say. You are so so kind, no matter what  Lily says
  • What was his ma sayin’ about me?
  • Oh , em, nothing, sorry, I’m always putting my foot in my mouth
  • I know who’s mouth I’d like to put my foot in
  • I can’t wait to tell the girls the good news. I can’t thank you enough
  • Not at all Ger. Look, you just go and have a lovely time with your girlos.
  • Willow will be delighted. Thanks again Bernie
  • You’re more than welcome Geraldine.


Yes!!! Now wait ’til I see dat Jimmy fella!!




Violets are blue

V (1)

  • What has you in the blues Bernie?
  • How d’ye mean Jimmy?
  • You’ve a face like a slapped arse all day
  • It’s this weekend at the health farm.I’m dreadin’ the thoughts of it
  • I thought you were lookin’ forward to it
  • I was with Julie, but not with them two
  • Ah they’re not that bad
  • You go with them then
  • On a girls weekend? to a Spa? Leave it out will ye Bernie
  • You leave it out
  • Anyway I’ll be in Paris
  • Rub it in why don’t ye Jimmy
  • Ah you’ll have a great time, wait ’til ye see. You and Ger will be bezzies by de time ye come home
  • I’m warnin’ you Jimmy
  • Stranger things have happened Ber
  • Strange things will happen to you if ye don’t shurrup
  • Just tell her you’re not goin’. No point gettin’ down in the dumps over it
  • I don’t want to be rude
  • Doesn’t stop you with me
  • I don’t want her to know I don’t want to go with her
  • But you don’t
  • I know, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings
  • She’ll have Petrocelli with her, she’ll be grand
  • Her name is Patchoulli
  • Where does she come up with the names? What’s the other one called?
  • Willow
  • Jaysis
  • Is she still living in Galway?
  • Who?
  • Willow
  • No, she’s home. Actually Ray said she was hopin’ to go to the Spa with you lot but it’s completely booked up
  • Really?
  • You look very happy all of a sudden
  • I am happy. Thanks Jimmy
  • For what?
  • You might have just solved my problem
  • Did I?




U got the look

U (1)

  • Prince Julie, I can’t believe it
  • Me neither Ber
  • He was great tho’ wasn’t he.
  • Brillo. Him and Bowie. Two of me faves
  • What’s goin’ on at all this year? All de celebs droppin’ like flies
  • Makes ye wonder who’s next
  • Makes ye glad ye stayed ou’ve showbiz Jules
  • True Bernie
  • Julie and Bernie, Irelands answer to Pepsi and Shirley
  • We had all de moves
  • We thought we were de business
  • We were de business…haha. What was your favourite Prince song Ber?
  • U got the look, remember with Sheena Easton…

#U got the look (U got the look)
U must’a took (U must’a took)
A whole hour just 2 make up your face, baby
Closin’ time, ugly lights, everybody’s inspected (everybody’s inspected)
But U are a natural beauty unaffected (unaffected)
Did I say an hour?
My face is red, I stand corrected (I stand corrected)#

  • Ye never lost it Ber
  • Who’re ye tellin’ Jules
  • Don’t give up de day job bu’
  • Get lost you!. What’s your favourite Prince song den?
  • Raspberry Beret

#She wore a raspberry beret
The kind U find in a second hand store
Raspberry beret
And if it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more
Raspberry beret
I think I love her#

  • Deadly
  • I think you were right tho’ Ber
  • About what?
  • About us staying out of show business
  • You speak for yourself Julie


R.I.P. PRINCE. Nothing compares to you  😦

prince 2

Tofu or not tofu?

T (1)

  • Hello Bernadette
  • Geraldine, how’s tings? Did Julie ring you about the weekend?
  • She did, and I have some good news and some bad news
  • Tell me
  • The bad news is, Patchouli is not well at all
  • …and the good news is, you can’t come either
  • On the contrary Bernadette. Patchouli is coming with us. Isn’t that great?
  • Bleedin’ wonderful Ger
  • I knew you’d be pleased
  • What’s up with her anyway?
  • She’s been up vomiting all night and rolling around in pain. We thought it was appendicitis so we brought her to A&E but it turns out she has severe food poisoning
  • Jasus, did she eat a dodgy  falafel or what?
  • No, it was a burger at a friends barbecue
  •  I thought she was vegan?
  • She thought it was a tofu burger
  • Ah that’s gas… I mean, that’s terrible Ger
  • She’s utterly traumatised Bernadette, as you can imagine
  • Aww ye Ger, I can imagine it aright
  • The break will do her good, it’s like it was meant to be that Julie couldn’t come isn’t it?
  • Ah sure weren’t you blessed dat Julies ma got sick Geraldine? Great timing alright.
  • Anyway, I’ve  heard that there’s a wonderful vegan guru at the health farm. I’ve booked a consultation with him for her.
  • So it’s me, you and Patchouli
  • Yes, I’m so excited, are you?
  • Over de bleedin’ moon Ger

How de fuck am I gonna get out of  dis one?