When I was let go from my job I went to sign on the dole. It was at the height of the recession as I joined thousands of other unemployed in the never-ending queue for benefits.  I eventually got to the hatch…

• Have you ever received job seekers allowance before?
• No
• Is this your first time signing on?
• Yes
• How long have you been out of work?
• Four days
• And what have you been doing during this time?
• Watching Jeremy Kyle and Judge Judy
• Pardon?
• I’ve been unemployed, what do you think I’ve been doing?
• I have no idea Mrs. Violet, that is why I asked
• Well when I came back from sailing on my yacht in  the Med and shopping in New York I was hoovering,washing, ironing and cleaning out the loo
• do you have a p60?
• Yes
• Do you have a p45
• Yes
• Do you have a letter of termination of employment
• Yes
• Do you have proof of identity?
• Yes
• Proof of address?
• Here’s me gas bill. You don’t fancy paying it for me do you?
• I’m afraid not
• Oh by the way, I had porridge and a boiled egg
• Pardon?
• For me breakfast this morning
• That is not relevant to your application
• Oh sorry, it was the only question you didn’t ask me
• I’m just doing my job madam
• Ah I know love, sorry. I’m just pissed off being out of work
• I understand
• So when will I get a few bob?
• Do you have a bank account
• Yes I have a bank account. Are you going to lodge my benefit?
• Not yet
• Well when?
• Do you have a copy of your most recent statement
• Yes
• Can I see it please
• No
• I need a copy of this please
• Well, you’re not getting one
• It will affect your payment if you do not provide this documentation
• I don’t give a shite. My bank account is none of your business
• It’s the law
• I don’t care
• Have you something to hide?
• Like what?
• Are you receiving income from another source?
• Oh yeah, my billionaire sugar daddy lodges a few grand in my account every week. That’s why I’m queuing up here to claim jobseekers allowance
• We need this information
• I’ve worked all my life. You have my p60, my p45, my passport, gas bill letter of termination from my employer and what I had for me breakfast. That’s all you need to know
• Have you sought employment since leaving your last job?
• I only left on bleedin’ Friday
• That’s a no then
• Yes
• Yes… you have sought employment?
• No
• I’m confused
• You’re confused? Try standing on this side of the hatch love. I said yes that’s a no, I haven’t sought employment
• You will need to provide proof of job applications for next week
• Rightyo
• Next please
• Is that it?
• Yes, until next week
• You mean I’ve  queue up here again next week?
• Yes madam
• Fuck that for a game of soldiers

I got a job the next day