The Epiphany

 

xmas decos

  • Oh hello Bernie
  • Howya Mrs. Flynn.Come on in, I just have the kettle boiled
  • I was just checking that there was nothing wrong
  • Everything is grand. Why do you ask?
  • Well I  haven’t seen you around for a while  and then today I was just passing and noticed you still have your Christmas tree up
  •  Yeah, it’s lovely isn’t it?
  • It’s the middle of January Bernie
  • And?
  • And what?
  • Your tree should be down
  • Who said?
  • Christmas is over, no one needs to say it
  • Well why did you have yours up in November then?
  • I like to have mine up early
  • Well maybe I like to have mine up late
  • It’s not Christmas anymore  Bernie
  • November is not Christmas either Mrs. Flynn
  • Before Christmas is different
  • How?
  • Because, it’s nice to get in the mood early
  • Well maybe I’m still in the mood
  • In January?
  • Yeah, in January
  • It’s bad luck to leave your decorations up after January 6th
  • Who said
  • Everyone knows you should take your decorations down the day after twelfth night
  • That’s only an old wives tale
  • It’s not. It’s tradition to take it down on the epiphany
  • So is it not bad luck to put your decorations up the day after Hallowe’en then?
  • I don’t think so?
  • That’s more than twelve nights. Why should you get more nights than me. I only put mine up the week before Christmas
  • It’s nothing to do with the amount of nights
  • Well what are you on about then?
  • I just think it’s ridiculous still having your tree still up on the 14th of January
  • Well I think it’s ridiculous to have your tree up on the 1st of November
  • So how long do you intend leaving it up then?
  • I’ve just had an epiphany of my own Mrs. Flynn
  • What’s that?
  • I think I’ll leave it up until next year. It would save me a lot of hassle wouldn’t it?
  • Are you serious?
  • Yeah totally. Excuse me for a minute will you Mrs.Flynn, I just need to tell himself…JIMMY, PUT THEM BOXES BACK IN THE ATTIC, I’M LEAVING THE DECORATIONS UP ‘TIL NEXT CHRISTMAS
  • That’s just madness Bernie
  • So I’m a bit mad, what else is new? D’ye want a mince pie with that tea Mrs. Flynn? They’re only out of the oven.
  • Really?
  • No, I’m only buzzin’ with you, I bought them in Aldi.

 

( I told Jimmy to take down that fucking tree before we went to Lanzarote)

 

 

 

 

 

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Fatty New Year

 

fat-ass

  • Oh hello Bernadette, come in,
  • Hiya Geraldine, Jimmy said you were looking for me
  • Yes, I thought it would be nice to spend more time together. We’ve been sister in laws for a long time and we hardly ever see each other
  • Oh yeah right, and what brought this on then?
  • Well I reckon its time for making some resolutions
  • Oh so I’m one of your resolutions am I?
  • Well sort of
  • So what’s on your list then?
  • I’ve only three things so far 1. Start a diet. 2. Exercise more. 3. Give up drink.
  • For fuck sake Ger. Will you leave it out
  • What?
  •  1. There’s not a pick on you. 2. You already do yoga, Pilates, spin class and speed walking every other day. 3. You don’t even drink
  • Thanks for the encouragement Bernie. I was going to ask you to join me
  • Join you in what?
  • My New Years list
  • Thanks a bunch Ger. With in laws like you who needs a slap from someone else
  • What?
  • You telling me I need to lose weight, exercise more and give up the drink
  • Well you were complaining over Christmas  about your clothes being too tight. So if you go on a diet and walk with me everyday and stop going to the pub so often, you’ll lose loads.
  • Me go to the pub so often? Maybe you should be talking to your husband, not me
  • I’m only trying to help Bernadette
  • This list of yours
  • Yeah, what about it?
  • It sounds like a list for me…are you writing that list for me?
  • No
  • Are you saying I’m fat?
  • Not fat exactly, but…
  • Are you saying I’m not fit?
  • Well…
  • Are you saying I drink too much?
  • Well…
  • What am I? your New Years project?
  • I was only trying to help
  • If I needed help,  which I dont! You’re the last person I’d be calling, the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • I just thought we could do stuff together
  • You’re already doing everything on that list, so why write it down and show it to me? I’m not an eejit Geraldine
  • Ah just forget the list Bernie
  • No I won’t forget it … STRING BEAN GERALDINE
  • I beg your pardon?
  • That’s what everyone calls you
  • That’s not very nice
  • Hurts doesn’t it Ger? What am I ? BIG ARSE BERNIE?
  • I never said that?
  • You may as well have Geraldine, now if you’ll excuse me, I told Jimmy I’d meet him for lunch…IN THE PUB, if you don’t mind. I was going to ask you if yourself and Anto wanted to join us.
  • We’d love to have lunch with you and Jimmy, come on  I’ll drive, I’ll just go call Anthony
  • Forget it Geraldine, I’ll walk…burn a few  inches off my fat arse before I stuff my face and skull a feed of pints
  • I never said you’d a fat arse
  • You’ve said enough Geraldine. I’m not one of your lost causes
  • I’m sorry Bernadette
  • You’d better add number four to your list while you’re at it
  • What’s that?
  • Find some other gobshite to spin with
  • But Bernadette…
  • But nothing. Goodbye,and mind you don’t fall down any drains while you’re out running.

The nerve of her, skinny bitch!!