H is for hypochondriac

  • Oh my god ma, what’s wrong?
  • I think I’m having a stroke.
  • Oh jaysis ma, how do you feel?
  • I can’t feel my arm.
  • Can you raise it up in the air.
  • No. I can’t feel it I told you.
  • What day is it?
  • What are you asking me that for Bernie?
  • To see if you’re confused.
  • I’m not confused. I’m having a stroke.
  • You’re not having a stroke. Who’s the president?
  • Feck off Bernie. I don’t give a shite who’s president.
  • You’re definitely not having a stroke ma.
  • How do you know?
  • Because if you were having a stroke you wouldn’t be still moaning at me.
  • But I can’t see.
  • You’ve no glasses on ma and the curtains are closed.
  • I still can’t feel my arm.
  • What side were you lying on?
  • My right.
  • What arm is numb?
  • My right.
  • I’ll just give it a rub for you.
  • Ah jaysis stop, that hurts Bernie. You’re very rough.
  • I thought it was numb?
  • The feeling is coming back a bit.
  • You just fell asleep on your arm ma, that’s all. You’re grand.
  • Am I talking funny?
  • No ma,you’re talking alright.
  • I’m not, I’m talking funny
  • You always talk like that when you’ve no teeth in ma.
  • I could be dying for all you care.
  • You’re not dying, you’re arm is just numb from lying on it.
  • You’re not a doctor.
  • I don’t need to be a doctor to know you’re numb from sleeping on your arm.
  • You don’t have the bedside manner to be a doctor anyway.
  • Thanks very much, I’m sure.
  • You can make me a cup of tea, make yourself useful.
  • Are you sure you can manage to lift a cup?
  • See what I mean, no decorum.
  • I was joking ma.
  • It’s no joke. Just wait until you’re my age
  • I can’t wait ma.
  • You’ll know what it’s like to be me.
  • If I get like you I hope they fucking shoot me
  • What?

That was years ago, and she’s still claiming she had a stroke. She’s healthier than the lot of us.

12 thoughts on “H is for hypochondriac

  1. When we got our puppy, the first night he was sleeping on the bed and he started crying hysterically. I picked him up and he immediately peed all over me. I put him outside and he flopped over continuing to cry. It was a rough night. Turns out his paw had just fallen asleep. He still doesn’t react well when it happens. I think he would sympathize with your Mom. Weekends In Maine

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That reminds me of once when I nearly gave myself an attack, woke up and there was this arm lying over my face. I screamed and threw it off and it flopped straight back again. I jumped out of bed still screaming, husband leapt up thinking we were being burgled. It was my own arm had gone to sleep. I felt such an eejit.

    Liked by 2 people

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