Memories and lounging pants

cup of coffee

I’m just sitting here having a coffee. The house is silent and I’m on my own for once. Jason has just left.

I remember the days when I didn’t have a minute to myself ,when the kids were younger and having to watch them like a hawk, trying to keep them away from drink, drugs and unsuitable mates. It’s no wonder I’m turning grey. My Jason was the worst of the lot, always up to something. It was a full time job trying to keep tabs on him, he was always somewhere he shouldn’t be… smoking down the lane, drinking up the fields, going on the hop from school. I thought he’d never grow up and stop annoying me. I was forever catching him sneaking out at night. He was such a little chancer. It seems like only yesterday…

  • Where do you think you’re going this hour of the night?
  • Jaysis ma, you frightened the life out of me there
  • So, where are you going?
  • Nowhere, I’m just opening the window for a bit of air. It’s roasting in here
  • So why are you wearing a tracksuit and hat if it’s so warm?
  • Well, it was cold earlier. I forgot I was wearing them
  • You must think I’m a right eejit, now get down off that windowsill and get your pyjamas on
  • I haven’t worn pyjamas since I was ten ma, will you stop
  • Well what are they under your pillow then?
  • They’re me lounging pants ma
  • Well put on your lounging pants then and get into that bed.
  • Bed? At ten o’clock ma?
  • You’ve school in the morning
  • I know ma, jaysis
  • Don’t jaysis me! You can’t get out of the bed when I call you in the mornings. It’s like trying to wake the dead
  • Leave it out ma will ye
  • No I won’t leave it out. Just wait until your da hears you were trying to sneak out again, he’ll bloody murder you
  • I wasn’t trying to sneak out
  • I wasn’t born yesterday Jason, now get into that bed before I call your father up them stairs
  • I’m not five ma, for gods sake
  • No, you’re fifteen , and you’re not leaving the house at this hour of the night
  • My mates are all still out, it’s not fair
  • There’s nothing good out at this hour of the night and you’re not going gallivanting with them youngfellas off the avenue
  • Will you stop with your gallivanting ma, you sound like me nanny, and what’s wrong with  the lads off the avenue?
  • What’s right with them? Shower of wasters
  • Anyway I wasn’t going to meet them, I was meeting me mates Foxy and Joe
  • I thought you weren’t meeting anyone?
  • It’s only ten o’clock ma. My mates mas allow them stay out until eleven
  • Well I’m not your mates ma, and you’re not going out
  • This house is like bleedin’ Alcatraz. It’s a wonder you don’t have bars on the windows
  • Well if you keep trying to sneak out I might just get some fitted
  • What would the neighbours think ma?It’d ruin the look of the house
  • I don’t give a shite what the neighbours think, as well you know Jason Violet, so don’t try getting smart with me. Now I’m going downstairs to make a cuppa. do you want any supper
  • No
  • Right, goodnight so
  • Actually, do you have any of that apple tart left?
  • I’ll see if your da hasn’t eaten it all, come on
  • Can you bring it up to me ma?
  • There’s no room service in Alcatraz son, sorry about that
  • Right, I’ll be down in a minute so…and say nothing to da yeah?
  • I’ll think about it… now get away from that window

 

Ah he wasn’t the worst. I miss him now that he’s moved out. I can’t believe he’s all grown up and  living with his girlfriend now. He still comes back looking for my apple tart though.

And now he has a baby on the way. That’s what he called in to tell me. My baby is going to be a daddy.

I really hope that child gives him lakko when he’s older, just like he gave me. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Isn’t karma great all the same?

On another note….me?…a granny? jaysis, I think I need more than a coffee to let that one sink in. I’ll be sleeping with a granddad as well. Wait ’til Jimmy hears the news…

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Tea

T

What is it about tea that Irish people think it solves all problems?

I’m pregnant…have a cup of tea

I crashed the car…you need a nice strong cup of tea for your nerves

My fella broke up with me…he didn’t deserve you love, sit down and I’ll make you a cup of tea, you can tell me all about it

Me granny died…Lord rest her, I’ll make a pot of tea

Jimmy came home one evening in a rotten mood

  • What’s wrong with you?
  • Nothing
  • There must be something wrong Jimmy, you’re like a demon
  • I am not
  • You are so
  • I might be out of a job
  • What? How?
  • It’s this bleedin’ recession Bernie. There’s no work
  • I thought you were up to your eyes building houses
  • We were
  • So what happened?
  • No one is buying houses anymore
  • Of course they are
  • Well they want to buy them but the bank isn’t lending them money so they can’t
  • Fucking bankers
  • My sentiments exactly Bernie
  • So when are you finished work?
  • We’ve a meeting with the union on Monday
  • So it’s not definite?
  • Nothing is definite, but it’s looking bad
  • That’s shocking Jimmy
  • I know. I’ve been working with them for the past twenty five years. What am I going to do?
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • What?
  • I’ll make you a nice cup of tea
  • Fuck tea. I’m going for a pint
  • Right so
  • Are you coming?
  • Are you not meeting the lads?
  • I am, but you come too
  • Ah no, you go on
  • Right so. I won’t be long
  • Take your time Jimmy
  • See you later Bernie

Some problems need tea, but some problems definitely need a pint

guinness

Ma

M

I’m changing me name I swear to God. It was bad enough when they were kids. It was non stop all day

Ma I’m hungry

Ma I’m thirsty

Ma can I have a drink

Ma he hit me

Ma, ma, ma

Jasus me head was forever melted listening to them. I thought I’d have a quiet life when they grew up. I thought wrong. Kylie and Jason are the worst.

  • Ma
  • What?
  • Did you put the immersion on
  • Yeah
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Did you see my good shirt?
  • Which one?
  • The blue one
  • It’s hanging in your wardrobe
  • Not that one, me other blue one
  • Will that one not do ye?
  • No, I want me good one
  • Look in the ironing basket
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Will you iron it for me
  • No, I’m going out
  • Ah Ma please. I’m in a hurry
  • So am I. Ask Kylie to do it
  • She won’t, she’s a lazy bitch
  • And what does that make you?
  • It makes me knackered after working all day
  • She works aswell
  • Ye, she must be worn out painting aul ones nails all day
  • I don’t get paid enough for this shite
  • I give you fifty quid a week
  • You wouldn’t get a bed in a hostel for that
  • Karl’s ma doesn’t take any money from him
  • Well go live with Karl’s ma then
  • Ah, you’d miss me if I moved out
  • Prove it
  • Ah ma, you’re gas
  • Oh give me the bleedin’ shirt
  • Thanks ma. I’ll just go have a shower
  • Go
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Did you buy any shower gel?
  • It’s in the press under the sink
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Throw us up a towel will ye
  • Do you want me to wash your arse while I’m at it
  • Ah Ma, leave it out will ye

In walks Kylie…

  • Ma
  • What?
  • What’s for dinner?
  • Chicken
  • Again
  • What do you mean again?
  • We’re always having chicken
  • Count yourself lucky.
  • How is having chicken lucky?
  • Poor people in other countries would love chicken for their dinner.
  • Well send them mine then
  • Don’t be so cheeky madam.
  • Ma, you sound like granny
  • What do you mean?
  • Going on about poor people in other countries
  • Well it’s true. You lot don’t know you’re born
  • Haha, granny says that too
  • Well your granny is right
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Can I have something else for dinner?
  • You can have whatever you like love
  • Ah thanks Ma
  • The takeaway menus are in the drawer there
  • Ah Ma, I can’t afford takeaway. I don’t get paid ‘til Friday
  • You’re having chicken so
  • Ma?
  • What?
  • Give us a lend of a tenner will ye?
  • For what?
  • To order a curry
  • You only eat chicken curry
  • I know
  • You just said you were sick of chicken
  • Chinese is different
  • Yeah ’cause it’s probably not even chicken
  • Ma!

Give me patience!!!

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