Day seven of my non diet and I’m afraid to stand on the scales. I went around to me mas to get away from all the Easter chocolate in my gaff…

• A diet? A diet? You’re on a diet?
• Don’t keep saying it ma
• Why are you on a diet?
• Just for the craic, why do you think?
• You don’t need to lose weight Bernie
• Me arse is the size of Galway Bay ma
• Indeed it’s not, who told you that?
• No one, I have a mirror
• Well, you need to get a new mirror. Turn around and let me see
• Can you not see it from there ma?
• Wait until I put me glasses on
• You don’t need glasses to see my arse
• I think you’re just buying the wrong clothes Bernie
• What do you mean?
• The pockets on them jeans aren’t very flattering, they just draw your eye to the area
• So you admit my arse looks huge
• It’s not actually huge, but…
• Jesus thanks ma
• Look aren’t you healthy? That’s the main thing
• Yeah, I feel great, you’ve made me feel soooooo much better ma
• Your health is your wealth Bernie
• I’d rather be healthy with a smaller arse
• Don’t be silly Bernie, now go put the kettle on and I’ll open one of my Easter eggs.
• Jaysis, is there no end to the bleedin’ Easter Eggs? Easter was a week ago and the eggs are everywhere, it’s like they’re following me
• I thought you loved chocolate Bernie
• Yeah I do ma, that’s the problem. I came here to get away from it. I thought yours would be all gone
• Ah no, I still have eight left
• Eight? Jaysis how many did you get?
• Twelve. All the grand kids bought me one, and the gays bought me one, and Leonard bought me one, and….
• Ok. Ok. I get the picture ma
• Come on Bernie, a little bit won’t do you any harm
• So everyone keeps saying, but try telling that to my backside ma

I’m not going near her again until all them eggs are eaten