Health is wealth #AtoZChallenge

H

Day seven of my non diet and I’m afraid to stand on the scales. I went around to me mas to get away from all the Easter chocolate in my gaff…

  • A diet? A diet? You’re on a diet?
  • Don’t keep saying it ma
  • Why are you on a diet?
  • Just for the craic, why do you think?
  • You don’t need to lose weight Bernie
  • Me arse is the size of Galway Bay ma
  • Indeed it’s not, who told you that?
  • No one, I have a mirror
  • Well, you need to get a new mirror. Turn around and let me see
  • Can you not see it from there ma?
  • Wait until I put me glasses on
  • You don’t need glasses to see my arse
  • I think you’re just buying the wrong clothes Bernie
  • What do you mean?
  • The pockets on them jeans aren’t very flattering, they just draw your eye to the area
  • So you admit my arse looks huge
  • It’s not actually huge, but…
  • Jesus thanks ma
  • Look aren’t you healthy? That’s the main thing
  • Yeah, I feel great, you’ve made me feel soooooo much better ma
  • Your health is your wealth Bernie
  • I’d rather be healthy with a smaller arse
  • Don’t be silly Bernie, now go put the kettle on and I’ll open one of my Easter eggs.
  • Jaysis, is there no end to the bleedin’ Easter Eggs? Easter was a week ago and the eggs are everywhere, it’s like they’re following me
  • I thought you loved chocolate Bernie
  • Yeah I do ma, that’s the problem. I came here to get away from it. I thought yours would be all gone
  • Ah no, I still have eight left
  • Eight? Jaysis how many did you get?
  • Twelve. All the grand kids bought me one, and the gays bought me one, and Leonard bought me one, and….
  • Ok. Ok. I get the picture ma
  • Come on Bernie, a little bit won’t do you any harm
  • So everyone keeps saying, but try telling that to my backside ma

 

I’m not going near her again until all them eggs are eaten

 

 

 

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Big bum #AtoZChallenge

B 2018

I’ve a pain in my arse (‘scuse the pun) looking for something to wear that doesn’t make me look like Miss Piggy after a five course meal…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • Ah jaysis Bernie, not that old chestnut again
  • Well does it?
  • No
  • Liar
  • Yes then
  • Seriously?
  • Jaysis I don’t know Bernie
  • Is it big or not? simple question Jimmy
  • How big is big?
  • Fuck off; is it that big?
  • I never said that Bernie
  • You implied it
  • I implied nothing. Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Define grand
  • It’s in proportion to your body
  • You’re saying it’s massive so
  • No I’m not
  • But I’ve put on a stone in weight since Christmas, so if my arse is in proportion to my body then it must be huge
  • Maybe you didn’t put as much weight on your arse as you did on the rest of your body
  • Are you saying I’m fat everywhere else then?
  • No
  • Why did you say that then?
  • I was trying to make you feel better
  • By saying I’m a fat bitch?
  • I never… Oh I give up Bernie

Why do I even ask him?????

 

bum

 

Game of Thongs

The washing machine repair fella was here this morning. Jimmy went ballistic when I rang and told him what the problem was. You’d swear it was my fault. Actually, everything these days seems to be my fault…and I don’t even own a pair of thongs. That Kylie one had better buy herself a few pairs of Bridget Jones or she’ll be left knickerless, because I’m burning that drawer full of  dental floss she has up in her room…

  • Is the machine fixed ma?
  • Yeah, no thanks to you
  • What did I do?
  • Put your bits of string in
  • What?
  • The bits of string you call knickers
  • They’re called thongs
  • I don’t care what you call them, they broke me machine
  • What’s my thongs got to do with the machine being broken?
  • One of them was blocking the filter
  • Is that what was wrong with it
  • Yes, mortified I was when the chap cleaned it out
  • Aww scarlet ma
  • You were scarlet? You were in bed. I had to face him Kylie
  • You should have checked the filter before you rang the repair fella ma
  • Don’t you start. I’ve enough of your da going on about it
  • Did he go mental
  • You know what he’s like ” did you not check the filter? The first thing you do when there’s a problem with a washing machine is check the filter ,before you call the repair fella….I can’t believe you didn’t check the filter…Eighty euro for a bleedin’ call out charge ” Blah Blah Blah
  • Ah sorry ma
  • “I didn’t see you checking the fucking filter” I says to him ” so shurrup annoying me will you”
  • Was it the same fella who called last time?
  • Oh no thank God. I was mortified enough as it was
  • That was hilarious ma.  Remember the underwire from your bra, caught in the drum
  • Oh, your da reminded me of that one this morning when he was on his rant
  • But he thought it was funny at the time. I remember him and Anto laughing over it. ” You’ve always been wired Bernie” he said
  • That was back when he had a sense of humour
  • Ah he’s not that bad
  • Grumpy fucker these days so he is.
  • Maybe he’s going through the change
  • Men don’t go through the change. They just become narky bastards in their old age
  • Me da is not sixty yet ma
  • He’s starting early so…here put that thong in the bin
  • Why?
  • Because it’s ripped to fuck
  • Ah ma, they were me favourites
  • Who in the name of jaysis has a favourite pair of thongs?
  • I do, they’re  Victoria’s Secret ones
  • Who the fuck is Victoria, and why are you borrowing her knickers? That’s disgusting, you’ve hundreds of pairs of your own
  • It’s the name of the shop ma
  • Whatever… It’s a piece of string Kylie. Get over yourself
  • And you say me da is a narky fucker
  • I beg your pardon?
  • …nothing, jaysis calm down ma
  • I won’t calm down. I’m sick of the lot of you
  • Jaysis it’s only a thong ma
  • Oh, and you owe me eighty euro
  • For what?
  • For the washing machine repair fella
  • I haven’t got eighty euro ma
  • Well stop buying expensive bits of  shite to cover your arse then
  • You’re as bad as me da these days
  • …and maybe that’ll teach you to  wash your knickers by hand in future

Kids, I swear the older they get the worse they get…

Heifer

H

I bought a new dress down the market for my birthday. I liked it at the time but wasn’t sure about it when I got it home. I made the mistake of asking Jimmy’s opinion…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • I’m not answering that Bernie
  • Why not?
  • It’s an incriminating question
  • How is it incriminating?
  • Because any answer I give will be wrong
  • I just want a simple yes or no Jimmy
  • If I say yes, you’ll be in a mood, if I say no, you’ll say I’m lying
  • Just tell the truth for fuck sake
  • You can’t handle the truth Bernie
  • Fuck off Jimmy Violet, are you saying I’ve a big arse?
  • I said nothing of the sort
  • You said I couldn’t handle the truth
  • I was only winding you up
  • Well I’m not in the mood for your wind ups
  • See what I mean. I haven’t said yes or no and I’m in trouble anyway
  • Because you haven’t given me a straight answer
  • No
  • No what?
  • It doesn’t look big
  • You’re just saying that now to make me feel better
  • Yes then
  • So it does look big. How big? Is it huge?Like a heifer?
  • No, more like a small calf
  • You’re a bastard Jimmy
  • For fuck sake Bernie, I’m only messin’ I told you. It doesn’t look big, it doesn’t look huge and you don’t look like a heifer… or a calf, alright?
  • Well why did you say  it then?
  • Because  no matter what I say, you’re not happy. there’s just no pleasing you
  • I don’t know why I ask your opinion on anything
  • I don’t know either Bernie
  • I won’t be asking again
  • Thank fuck for that
  • Did you even buy me a birthday present?
  • I bought you a ring
  • Ah Jimmy, really. The silver one you promised me for my little finger
  • No, I got you one for your nose love
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious
  • I do me best Bernie

You’re some gobshite Jimmy!

heifer with ring