Writing

XYZ Rude sausage joke alert! #AtoZchallenge

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 9 Comments

XYZ

 

Ok so I’m cheating a bit, but as you know I’ve been way behind my AtoZ this month. It’s not everyday  that I have a conversation to relay to you, and today is one of those days so I’m lumping XY and Z in together. I only found out recently that XYZ is slang for eXamine Your Zipper, to let someone know their fly is open, and it brought to mind one of Jimmy’s many rude jokes. If you’re easily offended, please stop reading now…if you like a bit of dirt, carry on. But remember it’s not my joke, but it is the end of my #AprilAtoZblogging challenge.

 

Paddy and Mick fancy a few pints but it’s a few days to payday and they only have one euro between them, so, hatching what they think is a brilliant plan, they go to the butchers and spend it on a large sausage. They go into the first pub and order a pint each and two whiskey chasers. They down the pints and whiskey , then Paddy opens his fly and sticks the sausage in. Mick gets down on his knees and puts the sausage in his mouth. the barman goes berserk and throws them out, forgetting they haven’t paid for their drinks yet. They continue with this in several more pubs, getting drunker and drunker on all of the free drink. After about the tenth pub Mick says ‘Paddy, I don’t know how long more I can do this, I’m pissed as a fart and me knees are killin’ me’. ‘How do you think I feel?’ says Paddy ‘Sure I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in’.

 

Jimmy thinks this is hilarious, and it’s a lot cleaner than some of his other jokes. I hope no one is too offended  😉

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#W is forWheelchair friendly #AtoZChallenge

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 5 Comments
  • I’m of to the bingo Jimmy
  • This early?It’s only half five
  • I’m collecting me ma
  • Maisie’s going to bingo? I thought she couldn’t walk
  • We got a loan of a wheelchair for her
  • Whacker Byrne has a wheelchair friendly bus now has he?
  • No,he’s bleedin’ useless, so we’ve to walk, that’s why I’m leavin’ so early
  • I don’t know how he gets any passengers for the Bingo run at all, sure aren’t they all half dead
  • Here fuck off you, who’re you callin’ half dead?
  • Well apart from yerself and Julie and the Maureen one, they all have one foot in the grave
  • That’s shocking talk Jimmy Violet. They all love the bingo, it’s the only outing they have all week
  • Don’t they get to mass as well, and I’m sure they have a funeral a week to go to. There can’t be too many of them left at this stage. I think Whacker is in the wrong business Ber…he should be driving limos for the undertakers, and he’d get less grief from his passengers.
  • Well he’ll be getting grief off me when I see him, refusing to take me mas wheelchair. He can stick his bus up his swiss from now on. Right I’d better go, me ma will be hangin’ out the window waitin’ for me
  • …and how are ye gettin’ home?
  • We’ll get a taxi if we win
  • …and if ye don’t win?
  • Then I’ll be knackered walkin’
  • Ye can’t be pushin’ Maisie in the dark Ber ,I’ll pick you up.
  • Sure you’ll be in the pub Jimmy, and anyway will a wheelchair even fit into the back of your van with all that shite?
  • It’s not shite, it’s me tools for work Bernie, and sure I’ll go the pub later. Isn’t the bingo over at ten?
  • Yeah but I can’t see a wheelchair fitting in, and sure me ma can’t climb up into that front seat of  the van anyway.
  • I’ll hoosh her up
  • Hoosh her? Me ma is eighty five and she’s just had a knee operation Jimmy, ye can’t hoosh her anywhere
  • I’m only tryin’ to help Bernie, go on and walk so.
  • Ah go on so, but give us a lift to me mas first will ye Jimmy.
  • Will YOU be able to get up into the seat Ber?
  • Sure can’t ye hoosh me up Jimmy
  • I’ll hoosh you any time Bernie
  • Is that a threat Jimmy?
  • It’s a promise Ber
  • You’re right, I am a soft touch.
  • I’ll let ye know.
  • Dirty minded fecker, here you may as well bring us to the Bingo while you’re at it. Get a bit of practice in for when you collect us
  • Ah you’re pushing it now Ber
  • No I’m not. I’m getting a lift off you.

Just as well he collected us; we won feck all again!

Trick or Treat #AtozChallenge

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 6 Comments

T

I hate Hallowe’en. Kids these days are very cheeky. I had this one youngfella at me door  with his mates last year giving me lip…

  • Trick or treat, trick or treat give us something good to eat
  • What do you call good now lads?
  • Mars bars, maltesers, Yorkie bars
  • I have apples, oranges and bananas … take your pick
  • Ah missus, we don’t accept fruit
  • Why not? It’s good for you
  • Fruit is for lunches.
  • Well you can keep it for your lunch tomorrow.
  • We’re on midterm.
  • So, do you not have lunch at home then?
  • Stop messing missus,  we know you have goodies.
  • Do I now?
  • Yeah, you do this every year, come on, we have other gaffs to call to.
  • Oh well, don’t let me delay you any further… here you go.
  • Jive bars?
  • What’s wrong with Jive bars?
  • They’re from Aldi
  • So?
  • My ma shops in Tescos, we don’t like stuff from Aldi or Lidls
  • Well feck off home to your ma then and get some bars from her
  • Have you nothing else?
  • Yeah…loads, but you won’t be getting it you ungrateful little brats
  • Ah missus!
  • No, feck off now. Anyway, you don’t even live on this estate.
  • So what?
  • So feck off
  • Ah give us the jive bars so.
  • No I will not, now get lost I have other callers to see to.
  • Well then, we have to play a trick on you.
  • How come?
  • It’s called Trick OR treat. We got no treats so we’ve to play a trick
  • Go on then
  • We’ll be back
  • Who are you…Arnold Schwarzenegger?
  • No, Batman
  • Well feck off to your Bat cave son.

Litle fecker came back and threw an egg at me front door!

Jimmy ( Running away)#AtoZChallenge

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 6 Comments

J

Does anyone else have a secret stash? Running away money we call it. Mine is in an old  Bisto Tin. My ma gave it to me before I got married. ‘But a few bob in there whenever you can. You never know the day or the hour you might need to get out Bernie’ she said to me.’And don’t tell him about it’ she said.’Why would I need to run away ma?’ ‘You never know what the future holds Bernie’ she said, ‘there’s many a woman who needed to get out of a bad marriage and couldn’t because her husband held the purse strings. Don’t ever get into that situation’. I knew I’d never need it, but after all these years, I still have my Bisto tin. But as for keeping it a secret, well I can’t hide much from my Jimmy. He came home one night and handed me a hundred euro.

  • What’s that for Jimmy?
  • Its for you. I got an extra few bob for selling some scrap metal.
  • So what will I do with it?
  • Do what you like. Buy yourself a new pair of shoes or something.
  • Thanks hon.
  • …or put it in that aul tin of yours.
  • What tin?
  • The one in your knicker drawer. Your Bisto tin.
  • Oh right, me savings box.
  • Your running away money.
  • Pardon? That’s me savings for the holidays.
  • Really? You never said you were saving for a holiday.
  • It was a surprise.
  • Some surprise, you’ve had it for the past twenty five years Bernie. Where are we going? The Bahamas? A world cruise?
  • There’s not that much in it.
  • I don’t imagine there is, sure haven’t you been dipping into it for years for presents and stuff for the kids.
  • How long have you known?
  • I’ve always known Bernie.
  • Why didn’t you say anything?
  • Nothing to say Bernie. Sure doesn’t every woman in Dublin have her running away money? Even me ma.
  • Lily had a Bisto tin?
  • No, she kept hers in an old handbag.
  • Did your da know?
  • Yeah, I think he put the odd few bob into it as well.
  • Was he trying to get her to run away quicker then?
  • Now, now, Bernie, I know you don’t get on with me ma but me da loved her, he knew she spent it all on us.
  • So are you trying to get rid of me then?
  • What do you mean?
  • You just gave me a hundred quid towards me running away fund.
  • You’re still here after twenty five years Bernie. If you were going anywhere, you’d be long gone by now.
  • True.
  • Go buy yourself a new pair of shoes, not runners but.
  • High heels it is then.

 

You can hide nothing from that fella…but hey, I forgot to ask him what he was doing in my knicker drawer…hmmmmm  🙂

bisto1

 

In-laws ( Lily of the valley)#AprilAtoZ

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 10 Comments

I

When you’re young and in love you don’t realise that when you get married, you’re not only marrying him; you’re basically marrying his whole family. If I knew then what I know now, would I still have married him? Probably, but I would definitely have gone ahead with emigrating to Australia, which is what we had talked about. We’d even filled out the application forms and enquired about Visas. However, Jimmy’s ma had other ideas. My pal Julie is married to Jimmy’s brother Ray. She was there when Jimmy told his ma our plans.

  • Australia? What do you want to go to Australia for? Your family is all here James.
  • Yeah but with this recession, there’s feck all work ma. Bernie’s brother is working for a big construction company, he said they’re always looking for workers. He can get me a job as soon as we arrive.
  • Oh, I should have known SHE’D have something to do with this.
  • SHE has a name ma, and we’re getting married so yes she does have something to do with it.
  • I don’t know why you’re rushing into this marriage, you only know each other five minutes.
  • Because we love each other ma, and it’s six months, not five minutes.
  • That one seems desperate to get a ring on your finger; are you sure she’s not pregnant?
  • I proposed to Bernie ma, and no she’s not pregnant.
  • I wouldn’t put it past her to try and trap you into marriage.
  • Ma, what do you have against Bernie?
  • Apart from her trying to take my son to the other side of the world you mean?
  • I keep telling you ma, it’s a joint decision, Bernie is not trying to make me do anything.
  • Well, what about that job with Anthony? I thought you were going to take that?
  • I am going to take it, but it’s only temporary; I’m still applying for Australia.
  • What about me and your da? We’re getting on in years now son. If you emigrate, we might never see you again.
  • Ma, you’re only in your fifties, and you can fly from Australia in twenty four hours. Of course you’ll see me again.
  • Well, with my bad heart, you just never know.
  • Look ma, we’re not going immediately, so stop fretting, and there’s nothing wrong with your heart.

Jimmy’s  da had a massive heart attack six months later and died at the age of fifty five. Lily of the valley, the aul witch is still alive and kicking, and I sometimes wonder if she even has a heart. As for emigrating, it never happened, and even if it did, I don’t think  Australia would have been far enough away from his ma. 🙄

#Hinching #AprilAtoz

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 3 Comments

H

Whitney bought a book and a bottle of wine for me for mothers day.

  • Hinch Yourself Happy. What the fuck is this all about Whit?
  • A woman who cleans her house. I thought it would cheer you up.
  • You thought a book about housework would cheer me up?
  • Well, it’s not just about cleaning. She gives some good tips as well.
  • Here’s a cleaning tip for you love, marry a man who earns enough money to hire someone to do the cleaning.
  • You like a good book ma, I thought you’d enjoy it.
  • I’ve been cleaning up after you lot for nearly thirty years. Whitney. I’ve arthritis in me knees from scrubbing floors, me hands are like prunes from all the washing up and cleaning windows; me back is fucked from hoovering, and on Mother’s day, you seriously think I want to read about some aul one going into raptures about cleaning her oven and bleaching her jax?
  • She’s not an aul one. She’s only in her twenties.
  • Ah jaysis, she has time to wise up then.
  • I follow her on Instagram ma, she cleans in a fun way.
  • The only time housework is fun Whitney, is when you’re sitting back with a large glass of wine watching someone else do it.
  • You might be surprised ma.
  • You know what would surprise me? You actually practicing what you preach for once.
  • What do you mean  ma?
  • Well, if this Mrs. Hinch is so fabulous and housework is such fun, why don’t you do it…or are you just happy watching her on Instagram?
  • Do you not like your Mother’s day present then?
  • Ah Whitney, I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful, but when you get to my age, you don’t tend to get too giddy at the prospect of finding a new toilet cleaner; unless it’s Aggie and Kim or Mrs. Doubtfire that’s the actual cleaner.
  • I tell you what ma; you sit down there and I’ll pour you that large glass of wine. You can chill out while I hoover the stairs .
  • Now you’re talking love.
  • Happy Mother’s day ma.
  • Ah, you’re very good to your aul Mammy.Thanks very much love, cheers for the book. I’ll  have a browse through it while I’m sipping me wine.

It’s not a bad aul read all the same, I was on chapter two before I even noticed, Whitney had hung out me washing and emptied the dishwasher as well. 😊

Maybe this Mrs. Hinch one isn’t so bad after all 😉

 

 

Girls aloud (Liverpool)#AprilAtoZ

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 4 Comments

G

Me and the girls emptied our Bisto tins and fecked off with our running away money…just for the weekend to Liverpool, we came back  like. ( We always come back…well, most of us, but that’s another story altogether)  I couldn’t wait to get away from everything; me ma, the kids, even Jimmy.  As usual, we booked the early morning flight,  but I was bloody knackered before I even got there.

  • Wake up Bernie, we’re here.
  • Jesus that was quick, I only fastened me seat belt five minutes ago.
  • Twenty actually.
  • I cant believe I fell asleep. Was I snoring?
  • You woke the pilot you were so loud.
  • Feck off you.
  • What has you so tired anyway?
  • Three hours sleep and a ride before the 4am alarm
  • Jesus, too much information Bernie.
  • Sorry hon, but I couldn’t let Jimmy go the whole weekend without a bit of how’s your father could I.
  • How do you do it Bernie?
  • I’ll draw you a diagram later hon.
  • You’re alright I think I remember how do do it…well vaguely.
  • Jaysis, has it been that long Pauline?
  • Shush Bernie, no need to tell the whole plane.
  • Calm down love, jesus now I know why you’re so uptight.
  • Excuse me?
  • Ehh, I’m only joking, now come on and grab them bags from the overhead locker, I’m gasping for a drink.
  • Well I tried waking you when the drinks trolley came around, but you wouldn’t budge.
  • You mean you actually had time for a drink?
  • There’s always time for a drink Bernie…even on a twenty minute flight.
  • Well hurry up, I obviously need to catch up with you lot then….come on girls…woop woop…

I love a Liverpool weekender, and I love me pals even more.

I told you we came back 😉