You only live once #AtoZChallenge

x

  • What’s with  the  spinning around the kitchen in your nightdress Bernie?
  • I’m practicing
  • For what?
  • I’ve signed up for a new class with Julie
  • What class needs  leg warmers and sweat bands?All you’re short of is a pair of skates
  • Roller blades Jimmy, no one skates anymore
  • Don’t tell me you’re taking up roller blading?
  • Give over Jimmy, can you see me roller blading down the avenue?
  • Hmmmmm…that’s not what Koko said
  • I’ll bleedin’ kill her…
  • You were like a bag of cats the other day, moaning about your weight and now you’re all spinny and happy,what’s happened to change your mind?
  • I just realized how lucky I am
  • Sure haven’t I been telling you that since you married me
  • Feck off Jimmy
  • You hate it when I’m right Bernie
  • No I don’t…well actually yeah I do but that’s beside the point
  • So what IS your point then?
  • We’re both very lucky Jim; We have a lovely home, a lovely family…well mostly lovely, when they’re not getting on me nerves like. We’re not short of a few bob. We don’t have much to complain about
  • Except you and your bloody diet
  • I’ve a pain in me hoop with bloody dieting
  • Does this mean you’re…sorry WE’RE ditching the diet?
  • Yeah. I never really stuck to it anyway Jimmy…and don’t mention the Big Mac!
  • I wasn’t going to say anything, I’m just delighted you’ve come to your senses at last
  • This doesn’t mean we’ll be eating shite all the time now Jimmy. We’re also lucky to be reasonably healthy, and I want to keep it that way. You only live once and life is too short to be miserable
  • And you’ve been miserable for weeks Bernie
  • So have you!
  • Only because of the rabbit food you were making me eat
  • No more rabbit food
  • Deadly; but you’re right, we are lucky, we have more than a lot of people
  • And we have each other ….big arses and all…
  • Here you, speak for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with my arse
  • I’m sure I’ll see worse tomorrow
  • I haven’t a scoobie what your on about Ber
  • My new class…with Julie. Do you be even listening to me Jimmy?
  • I’m too hungry Ber. Here, I’ll make us a fry up to celebrate the end of the diet. I’d eat a cows arse through a hedge at this moment
  • Maybe just a few rashers for me Jimmy
  • No sausage?
  • Ah go on so,  sure I can work it off, but use the grill… no more fry ups Jimmy
  • I knew it was too good to be true…

 

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Nice legs shame about the face #AtoZChallenge

Monday with Maisie and she still just says what she’s thinking. I don’t know how she gets away with it …

N

  • Are you still watching your weight Bernie?
  • Along with everyone else ma
  • So how’s it going?
  • It’s not
  • Those bloody diets are a waste of bloody time anyway
  • Tell me about it
  • And all that exercising, is not good for you
  • I’m not getting much exercising done ma
  • Remember aunty Lil?
  • Lovely legs Lilian?
  • Her legs were all she had going for her Bernie
  • Ahh ma
  • After she lost all that weight, she looked shocking
  • Did she?
  • She aged ten years in six months
  • You’re terrible ma
  • I swear to God, as I’m sitting here. She lost a ton of weight, spent her life in the gym and after all that, she looked like a haggard old woman
  • I think the sunbeds had a lot to do with it as well ma, sure she was never off them
  • It was losing too much weight, it didn’t suit her. O.K.  her body was fit enough, she looked like a young one from behind;but jaysis when she turned around, she’d frighten the life out of you
  • Nice legs but…
  • …Shame about the face

 

Now you all know where I get it from  …

 

 

MCDonalds #AtoZChallenge

M

 

  • How’s the diet coming along?
  • Don’t mention diets to me. I’ve a pain in me swiss with diets
  • What one is it now?
  • Well, I’m meant to be on the keto one, but all I seem to do is eat eggs, fish,meat, chicken cheese and chocolate
  • Doesn’t sound too bad to me, and you love fish
  • Yeah, a smoked cod in batter, surrounded with chips, onion rings and curry sauce
  • Lovely
  • Well, I can’t have that, mine has to be steamed or boiled, no batter
  • Ooooh, sounds nasty
  • It is nasty, and I’m sick of chocolate
  • I’m sure you don’t have to eat the chocolate
  • I’d kill for a McDonalds
  • One won’t kill you I’m sure
  • Well, I am allowed some carbs…and burgers are meat… and I can ask for extra cheese on my Bic Mac
  • There ye go Bernie, problem solved
  • I might even treat meself to a McFlurry

This diet lark is not so bad after all 😉

Health is wealth #AtoZChallenge

H

Day seven of my non diet and I’m afraid to stand on the scales. I went around to me mas to get away from all the Easter chocolate in my gaff…

  • A diet? A diet? You’re on a diet?
  • Don’t keep saying it ma
  • Why are you on a diet?
  • Just for the craic, why do you think?
  • You don’t need to lose weight Bernie
  • Me arse is the size of Galway Bay ma
  • Indeed it’s not, who told you that?
  • No one, I have a mirror
  • Well, you need to get a new mirror. Turn around and let me see
  • Can you not see it from there ma?
  • Wait until I put me glasses on
  • You don’t need glasses to see my arse
  • I think you’re just buying the wrong clothes Bernie
  • What do you mean?
  • The pockets on them jeans aren’t very flattering, they just draw your eye to the area
  • So you admit my arse looks huge
  • It’s not actually huge, but…
  • Jesus thanks ma
  • Look aren’t you healthy? That’s the main thing
  • Yeah, I feel great, you’ve made me feel soooooo much better ma
  • Your health is your wealth Bernie
  • I’d rather be healthy with a smaller arse
  • Don’t be silly Bernie, now go put the kettle on and I’ll open one of my Easter eggs.
  • Jaysis, is there no end to the bleedin’ Easter Eggs? Easter was a week ago and the eggs are everywhere, it’s like they’re following me
  • I thought you loved chocolate Bernie
  • Yeah I do ma, that’s the problem. I came here to get away from it. I thought yours would be all gone
  • Ah no, I still have eight left
  • Eight? Jaysis how many did you get?
  • Twelve. All the grand kids bought me one, and the gays bought me one, and Leonard bought me one, and….
  • Ok. Ok. I get the picture ma
  • Come on Bernie, a little bit won’t do you any harm
  • So everyone keeps saying, but try telling that to my backside ma

 

I’m not going near her again until all them eggs are eaten

 

 

 

Easter Eggs…the enemy 😩

E 2018

  • Happy Easter ma, here’s your egg
  • Thanks Kylie love, you shouldn’t have
  • Ah you say that every year ma
  • I mean it this year
  • Yeah right, pull the other one
  • I’m serious
  • Really?
  • I’m on a diet
  • 🤣🤣🤣🤣
  • Get up off that floor Kylie
  • 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
  • What’s so funny?
  • You…on a diet…at Easter
  • You’re hilarious
  • Wait until I tell Jason
  • He knows
  • What did he say?
  • Nothing, he just ate the Easter egg he bought me
  • Very supportive of him
  • It was a Black Magic one as well…my favourite
  • So he made it disappear then
  • He did, right in front of me too
  • Greedy bastard
  • Yeah
  • So I’d better eat this one
  • I love Ferero Rocher Kylie
  • I know ma
  •  Maybe I’ll just have a small piece
  • Are you sure ma? I don’t want to be the one who ruins your diet
  • You’re not. Your da already did that when he made a fry up for breakfast
  • Nice one da
  • Here, you open the egg while I get the wine
  • What about the diet ma?
  • Fuck the diet…it’s Easter. I’ll start it tomorrow

ferero

Diet

D 2018

  • So how’s the diet coming along?
  • It’s not
  • That bad eh?
  • Worse
  • How come?
  • I can’t stop eating
  • Well it wasn’t a great idea to start a diet on Easter Sunday
  • No it wasn’t
  • It was a stupid idea
  • Thanks Julie
  • You’re welcome Bernie …chocolate cake with your coffee?
  • Just a small piece, I’m on a…
  • …diet, yeah…me too

 

We’re hopeless

Calories

C 2018

  • Are you having a fry up Bernie?
  • Are you having a laugh Jimmy?
  • Why?
  • You know I’m on a diet
  • Don’t be ridiculous
  • Thanks for your support Jimmy
  • You don’t need to lose weight. You’re grand as you are
  • I’m not having a fry
  • A bleedin’ sausage isn’t going to kill you Bernie
  • Maybe if  you grill it
  • Grill my arse Bernie. I have the pan on. It’s fried or nothing
  • They do smell nice, and I am starving… and there’s probably not that many calories in one sausage… and…
  • Jaysis Bernie, are you having breakfast or not
  • Go on so Jimmy, seeing as you never cook, I’d feel bad if I didn’t
  • I’m not twisting your arm here am I?
  • Fuck it, throw on a rasher for me  as well
  • Right y’are Bernie
  • Sure I’ll have a salad for me tea
  • Lovely
  • I’ll butter the bread will I? One slice won’t kill me
  • Indeed it won’t.

smiling sausage

I don’t know if that sausage is disappointed or amused  :p