You only live once #AtoZChallenge

x

  • What’s with  the  spinning around the kitchen in your nightdress Bernie?
  • I’m practicing
  • For what?
  • I’ve signed up for a new class with Julie
  • What class needs  leg warmers and sweat bands?All you’re short of is a pair of skates
  • Roller blades Jimmy, no one skates anymore
  • Don’t tell me you’re taking up roller blading?
  • Give over Jimmy, can you see me roller blading down the avenue?
  • Hmmmmm…that’s not what Koko said
  • I’ll bleedin’ kill her…
  • You were like a bag of cats the other day, moaning about your weight and now you’re all spinny and happy,what’s happened to change your mind?
  • I just realized how lucky I am
  • Sure haven’t I been telling you that since you married me
  • Feck off Jimmy
  • You hate it when I’m right Bernie
  • No I don’t…well actually yeah I do but that’s beside the point
  • So what IS your point then?
  • We’re both very lucky Jim; We have a lovely home, a lovely family…well mostly lovely, when they’re not getting on me nerves like. We’re not short of a few bob. We don’t have much to complain about
  • Except you and your bloody diet
  • I’ve a pain in me hoop with bloody dieting
  • Does this mean you’re…sorry WE’RE ditching the diet?
  • Yeah. I never really stuck to it anyway Jimmy…and don’t mention the Big Mac!
  • I wasn’t going to say anything, I’m just delighted you’ve come to your senses at last
  • This doesn’t mean we’ll be eating shite all the time now Jimmy. We’re also lucky to be reasonably healthy, and I want to keep it that way. You only live once and life is too short to be miserable
  • And you’ve been miserable for weeks Bernie
  • So have you!
  • Only because of the rabbit food you were making me eat
  • No more rabbit food
  • Deadly; but you’re right, we are lucky, we have more than a lot of people
  • And we have each other ….big arses and all…
  • Here you, speak for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with my arse
  • I’m sure I’ll see worse tomorrow
  • I haven’t a scoobie what your on about Ber
  • My new class…with Julie. Do you be even listening to me Jimmy?
  • I’m too hungry Ber. Here, I’ll make us a fry up to celebrate the end of the diet. I’d eat a cows arse through a hedge at this moment
  • Maybe just a few rashers for me Jimmy
  • No sausage?
  • Ah go on so,  sure I can work it off, but use the grill… no more fry ups Jimmy
  • I knew it was too good to be true…

 

Only-Live-Once-537x318

Weight not want not #AprilAtoZChallenge

W

  • Where are you off to today Bernie?
  • Shopping with Julie
  • Again?I predict the smell the credit card melting
  • I’m not buying anything; we’re just looking
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m buying nothing until I lose weight
  • You must have lost some weight by now.
  • Don’t start with me Jimmy
  • You’re the one eating sneaky rasher sambos and big Macs
  • ONE rasher sandwich, and ONE big Mac, Jesus make me feel guilty why don’t you
  • You’re the one complaining about not losing weight, and I’m sick of this diet. How long are you…sorry WE on it
  • Too bleedin’ long, and anyway, don’t be getting all judgemental with me, I know you’ve been down eating dinners in your mas, then coming back here for your salad
  • A man can’t survive on lettuce alone
  • Well I’m expected to
  • Well you’re obviously wasting your time
  • Thanks very much for the vote of confidence
  • Anyway, you don’t need to lose weight
  • Nothing fits me Jimmy. I feel huge
  • You’re not huge
  • All of my clothes are tight on me
  • So buy bigger clothes…or stop with the sneaky rasher sambos
  • Are you looking for a slap in the head?
  • What?
  • I don’t want to buy bigger clothes. I want to fit into the ones I have
  • They look fine on you
  • They do not! They make me look like an elephant…and if you mention that rasher sandwich again I swear I’ll swing for you
  • It’s all in your mind Bernie, you look the same as you always do
  • So you’re saying I always look fat?
  • You don’t look fat
  • You see me everyday, so you don’t notice
  • I notice that you’re grand just the way you are

I don’t know whether to hit him or hug him!

😡😡😡

Vinyasa Yoga #AtoZChallenge

V

  • Hiya Ma
  • Hiya Kylie
  • So what’s new?
  • Vinyasa yoga
  • What’s that when it’s at home?
  • Vinyasa Yoga aligns movement and breath in a smoothly flowing sequence.
  • What?
  • It’s a challenging practice designed to bring complete awareness of your posture, alignment, and patterns of movement.
  • You sound like you’re reading from a brochure ma
  • With Vinyasa Yoga you’ll achieve total wellbeing by nurturing deep inner relaxation while building outer strength, endurance, and flexibility.
  • You ARE  reading from a brochure
  • Emmm, yeah, Patchoulli dropped it over
  • So are you going to do it then?
  • I’m thinking about it
  • Well you’ve tried everything else so you may as well
  • Vinyasa Yoga classes are a great place to start or to continue on the path to a healthy body and mind
  • You’re still reading from the brochure aren’t you Ma?
  • Yeah
  • So?
  • I’m not sure about the flexibility part Kylie
  • Why?
  • I’m only free on Tuesdays and Fridays
  • 😂😂😂😂

yoga

Talking to myself

T

Sometimes, you’re the only one who’ll listen…

 

  • Morning Bernie
  • Alright Bernadette
  • How’s things?
  • Grand
  • Any news?
  • Nothing? You?
  • You don’t look the best Bernie
  • You’re not looking too hot yourself Ber
  • I’m knackered to be honest
  • I know how you feel, it’s this bloody…
  • …diet
  • Ah I’m sick of it now
  • Me too. All I can think of is food
  • …and how to get out of excercising
  • Why do you put yourself through it Bernie?
  • Fucked if I know Ber…all this shite just to get into a swimsuit for a week in Toremolinos
  • We can’t give up but, not while everyone is watching
  • ”We know you can do it Bernie” ”You’re doing great Bernie”
  • …while they stuff their faces in front of you
  • Fuckers
  • Yeah…fuckers
  • You don’t have to tell them you’ve given up
  • They’ll know, they watch every bit you put into your mouth
  • ”There goes your diet Bernie…I knew you wouldn’t stick it Bernie” I can hear them now
  • People only believe what they see…and they don’t have to see everything
  • No they don’t, do they?
  • Oh look it’s breakfast time? What are we having today Bernie? Muesli? Quinoa porridge? kitty litter on toast?
  • I fancy a dirty big rasher sandwich on white bread
  • Lovely…with ketchup
  • And a large mug of tea
  • Good woman
  • Diet my arse Bernie
  • Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Yeah it is isn’t it…one rasher or two?

Lovely

rasher sandwich

 

 

 

Slimming world

S

Me and Julie decided to go to slimming world to help us with our weight loss…

  • So, Bernie. You need to lose two stone
  • What? That much?I was thinking just a few pounds
  • I’m afraid not Bernadette
  • Are you sure
  • I’m sure
  • Well I’m not
  • Why are you here Bernie?
  • To lose a bit of weight, get some advice, a bit of encouragement
  • Well I’m advising you to lose two stone and I will encourage you to do it
  • How’s that Marian?
  • By sharing experiences with the group thus encouraging behavioural changes
  • There’s nothing wrong with my behaviour
  • Your eating behaviour
  • I’ve lost four pounds already this month
  • Well you need to lose more. Our image therapy shows you how to eat healthy without starving yourself
  • Well, I’m starving all the time
  • We will help you with that, as well as introducing some physical activity into your everyday life
  • Ah here, I’m not doing aerobics. I’d enough of that shite in the gym
  • You also need to cut down on fizzy drinks, you seem to drink a lot of them
  • Only in me vodka…I can still drink vodka can’t I
  • One or two at weekends is acceptable
  • Glasses or bottles?

 

This is harder than I thought

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quark and Quinoa

Q

  • BERNIE!
  • WHAT?
  • WHAT’S THIS WHITE STUFF ON MY PLATE
  • QUARK
  • WHAT?
  • QUARK
  • WHY ARE YOU MAKING DUCK NOISES?
  • WHAT?
  • WILL YOU JUST COME IN TO THE KITCHEN
  • What?
  • What’s this white stuff on my plate?
  • Quark, I told you
  • Ducks quack
  • QUARK … it’s a cheese Jimmy
  • Why didn’t you just say cheese? And what’s this shit?
  • Quinoa
  • What the fuck is that when it’s at home?
  • It’s like a grain
  • What am I? A duck?
  • QUARK!!
  • You’re losing the plot Bernie

duck.0

Ah lads it’s Friday…I need a laugh!

 

Nice legs shame about the face #AtoZChallenge

Monday with Maisie and she still just says what she’s thinking. I don’t know how she gets away with it …

N

  • Are you still watching your weight Bernie?
  • Along with everyone else ma
  • So how’s it going?
  • It’s not
  • Those bloody diets are a waste of bloody time anyway
  • Tell me about it
  • And all that exercising, is not good for you
  • I’m not getting much exercising done ma
  • Remember aunty Lil?
  • Lovely legs Lilian?
  • Her legs were all she had going for her Bernie
  • Ahh ma
  • After she lost all that weight, she looked shocking
  • Did she?
  • She aged ten years in six months
  • You’re terrible ma
  • I swear to God, as I’m sitting here. She lost a ton of weight, spent her life in the gym and after all that, she looked like a haggard old woman
  • I think the sunbeds had a lot to do with it as well ma, sure she was never off them
  • It was losing too much weight, it didn’t suit her. O.K.  her body was fit enough, she looked like a young one from behind;but jaysis when she turned around, she’d frighten the life out of you
  • Nice legs but…
  • …Shame about the face

 

Now you all know where I get it from  …