Bernie and ma

Clairvoyanto

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 8 Comments

Me pal Lynn persuaded me to go see a medium who was doing open readings in a pub. We got free tickets so I went along for the craic. Ma was dying to know all about it

  • I’m surprised you went to see a medium Bernie
  • Lynn asked me to go with her
  • So, how did it go?
  • It was a pile of shite to be honest ma
  • You’re just a skeptic Bernie, always were; always will
  • Lynn was hoping her da would get in touch
  • And did he?
  • No, of course he didn’t. It’s all a con
  • Well why did you go then?
  • Free tickets and a few pints, how could I refuse?
  • Fair enough, so  did anyone come to you from the other side then
  • Sure who’d come to me?
  • Your da maybe
  • We were in the Abberly Court ma. Da wouldn’t go there when he was alive, he’s hardly going to go when he’s dead now is he?
  • Fair enough, but what about your pal Sandra?
  • Not a sign of her ma
  • Aww, that’s a pity. You and her were so close Bernie
  • I still miss her
  • So maybe you were hoping she’d come through Bernie
  • I’d have been shocked if Sandra had come
  • Why?
  • I told you it was in the  Abberly  ma
  • So?
  • So…Sandra always said she wouldn’t be caught dead in that kip
  • I went to see a medium after your daddy died
  • Did you ma
  •  She told me he had difficulty breathing towards the end
  • Jaysis ma, what did you say to her?
  • ‘Obviously love’, says I to her…’he was fuckin’ dying. Everyone has difficulty breathing when they’re dying’
  • I bet she didn’t like that ma
  • No she didn’t
  • That one last night told  some poor woman her husband was very happy now since he passed, and the woman wasn’t a bit pleased
  • Why not?
  • ‘And why wouldn’ Anto be happy? fecking off leaving me with a load of bills and no mortgage protection’ she said ‘and tell him from me he’s a fucking bastard’
  • And did the husband answer her?
  • I dunno ma, I finished me drink and went to the pub next door to wait for Lynn who was still waiting to hear from her da
  • Why did you leave?
  • Because, I agree with me da and Sandra, the place is a kip, and I had a few visions of me own so I thought it best to leave early
  • What visions Bernie?
  • Visions of giving that so called medium a slap in the head ma…

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Off her trolley

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 9 Comments

 

 

a&EMaisie is in hospital after having a bit of a fall. She’ll be OK but the doctors are keeping an eye on her for a few days because she banged her head. She gets regular visits from the doctor and his team to ask her a series of questions to make sure the knock to her head didn’t affect her memory. We were in A&E for over twenty four hours waiting for a bed.

  • Good morning Margaret and how are you?
  • You can call me Maisie, only my poor mother called me Margaret, lord rest her
  • So how are we feeling this morning?
  • Well, I’m grand, considering I never got a wink of sleep, there’s nothing but winos and junkies causing commotion all night and there’s hardly any staff on duty…and how are you?
  • Fine…fine…I’m fine. So, I have the results of your X ray and everything seems fine
  • So, can I go home ?
  • No, I’m sorry, we’ll be holding on to you for a few days Marg…em Maisie
  • Oh so you have a bed for me then?
  • Not yet, soon
  • You said that last night son, and I’ll tell you this for nothing, I’m not spending another night on this bloody trolley on a corridor for every passerby to gawp at
  • I’m sorry, but we’re very busy and…
  • Would you allow your mother spend a night in this place?
  • Well, I wouldn’t like to, no
  • Well there you go. If it’s not good enough for your mother, why should it  be good enough for me?
  • Emmm, I just wanted to ask you a few questions if that’s ok
  • More questions?
  • It won’t take long
  • You asked me loads of questions when I got here, and your friend asked me the same ones again at ten o’clock last night. Do you not tell each other anything in this place?
  • I need to ask again I’m sorry. We need to make sure…
  • …that I haven’t lost me marbles…yeah yeah
  • No, it’s not that, it’s…
  • Oh just ask me for Gods sake
  • Do you know what day it is today?
  • Well, I was brought in on Monday, I’m still on a trolley in A&E waiting for a bed, so it must be….Friday?
  • It’s Tuesday
  • Is that all? It feels longer, these bloody trolleys would kill your back
  • Can you tell me what year it is?
  • Well it feels like 1974 and I’m in an episode of M.A.S.H but rumour has it it’s 2018
  • Do you know who the President is?
  • Why? Is he looking for a bed?
  • No no no, I just need to know if you can tell me his name
  • Just as well, he’d be a long time waiting
  • His name?
  • Oh is it not Mary McAleese anymore?
  • No, I’m afraid not
  • Mary Robinson?
  • he was before Mary McAleese
  • Very good doctor, and who was before her?
  • I’m meant to be asking you the questions
  • Aww do you not know the answer..it’s Patrick Hillery
  • ….
  • What are you looking at me like that for?Patrick Hillery was so the president before Mary Robinson, and O’Dálaigh was before him
  • But who is the president now?
  • Michael D is of course…well he was before I checked in to this place. They could have had another election the length of time I’m lying here waiting for a bed
  • Yes, it is still Michael D
  • Lovely man, and his wife is lovely too; what’s her name again? Sabrina, isn’t it?
  • Sabina
  • That’s it, Sabina; She must’ve dropped the ‘R’. Sabrina isn’t very presidents wife is it?
  • Can you remember what year you were born?
  • I can
  • Can you tell me?
  • No
  • So you can’t remember?
  • Yes I can but I’m not telling you
  • But…
  • I told you yesterday, and I told your colleague last night…a ladies age is her own business and nothing to do with you so don’t ask me again, now feck off with your questions
  • I’ve just a few more….
  • I’ve a question for you doctor
  • Yes?
  • When am I getting a bed?
  • I don’t actually know yet Marg…Maisie
  • Well, I’ll tell you what; When you have the answer to that one, come back to me
  • I’ll see what I can do
  • Bye now
  • I’ll come back later
  • Well, only if  it’s to tell me you either have a bed for me or I can go home
  • But…
  • But nothing, and tell that nurse to bring me a cup of tea. I’m bloody parching

 

I’m surprised they gave her a bed at all  :p

 

 

Nice legs shame about the face #AtoZChallenge

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 12 Comments

Monday with Maisie and she still just says what she’s thinking. I don’t know how she gets away with it …

N

  • Are you still watching your weight Bernie?
  • Along with everyone else ma
  • So how’s it going?
  • It’s not
  • Those bloody diets are a waste of bloody time anyway
  • Tell me about it
  • And all that exercising, is not good for you
  • I’m not getting much exercising done ma
  • Remember aunty Lil?
  • Lovely legs Lilian?
  • Her legs were all she had going for her Bernie
  • Ahh ma
  • After she lost all that weight, she looked shocking
  • Did she?
  • She aged ten years in six months
  • You’re terrible ma
  • I swear to God, as I’m sitting here. She lost a ton of weight, spent her life in the gym and after all that, she looked like a haggard old woman
  • I think the sunbeds had a lot to do with it as well ma, sure she was never off them
  • It was losing too much weight, it didn’t suit her. O.K.  her body was fit enough, she looked like a young one from behind;but jaysis when she turned around, she’d frighten the life out of you
  • Nice legs but…
  • …Shame about the face

 

Now you all know where I get it from  …

 

 

Health is wealth #AtoZChallenge

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 10 Comments

H

Day seven of my non diet and I’m afraid to stand on the scales. I went around to me mas to get away from all the Easter chocolate in my gaff…

  • A diet? A diet? You’re on a diet?
  • Don’t keep saying it ma
  • Why are you on a diet?
  • Just for the craic, why do you think?
  • You don’t need to lose weight Bernie
  • Me arse is the size of Galway Bay ma
  • Indeed it’s not, who told you that?
  • No one, I have a mirror
  • Well, you need to get a new mirror. Turn around and let me see
  • Can you not see it from there ma?
  • Wait until I put me glasses on
  • You don’t need glasses to see my arse
  • I think you’re just buying the wrong clothes Bernie
  • What do you mean?
  • The pockets on them jeans aren’t very flattering, they just draw your eye to the area
  • So you admit my arse looks huge
  • It’s not actually huge, but…
  • Jesus thanks ma
  • Look aren’t you healthy? That’s the main thing
  • Yeah, I feel great, you’ve made me feel soooooo much better ma
  • Your health is your wealth Bernie
  • I’d rather be healthy with a smaller arse
  • Don’t be silly Bernie, now go put the kettle on and I’ll open one of my Easter eggs.
  • Jaysis, is there no end to the bleedin’ Easter Eggs? Easter was a week ago and the eggs are everywhere, it’s like they’re following me
  • I thought you loved chocolate Bernie
  • Yeah I do ma, that’s the problem. I came here to get away from it. I thought yours would be all gone
  • Ah no, I still have eight left
  • Eight? Jaysis how many did you get?
  • Twelve. All the grand kids bought me one, and the gays bought me one, and Leonard bought me one, and….
  • Ok. Ok. I get the picture ma
  • Come on Bernie, a little bit won’t do you any harm
  • So everyone keeps saying, but try telling that to my backside ma

 

I’m not going near her again until all them eggs are eaten

 

 

 

The merry widow

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 9 Comments

I’m not saying me ma has a suspicious mind but … actually scrap that…me ma has a very suspicious mind. She’s a terrible one for putting doubts in your head, even about your own husband…

  • How’s Jimmy getting on with that house renovation Bernie?
  • He’s still working on it ma. Every time he finishes one thing, Valerie wants something else
  • Frankie must have had some insurance policy
  • He must have. She’s spending like there’s no tomorrow.  Frankie must be turning in his grave
  • It won’t be long before that one is out clubbing and partying and looking for a new fella
  • Ah ma give her a chance. She was as married as long as I am
  • ..and that’s another thing; You’d want to keep an eye on your Jimmy when she’s around
  • My Jimmy is not like that ma
  • Never underestimate the lure of a merry widow with a few bob in the bank, especially where your husband is concerned
  • You really think highly of my Jimmy don’t you?
  • I’m just saying , that’s all
  • Well keep your thoughts to yourself ma. I trust my husband.
  • Forewarned is forearmed Bernie
  • Leave it out ma will you
  • Is she good looking?
  • I wouldn’t say good looking exactly, a bit mannish really; a bit like Annie Lennox
  • She’ll be getting Botox and a boob job soon
  • You think?
  • I do…and a vajazzle thingy as well. You mark my words
  • What would you know about vajazzles?
  • Leonard was telling me about them
  • Leonard is a seventy year old gay man ma, what would he know?
  • His boyfriend owns a beauty salon in Blackrock. He said he’d get me discount anytime I want
  • On a vajazzle?
  • Feck off Bernie will you. What in the name of God would I be doing with a vajazzle? No, I mean for facials and manicures and the like.
  • Maybe I’ll send the Val one over to him
  • Ah now, don’t be encouraging her Bernie, well not until Jimmy is finished the work on her house
  • Why is that ma?
  • Because before you know it, she’ll be flouncing around the house in flimsy negligees, flaunting her vajazzle in front of the lads
  • Val is hardly the flouncy type ma, sure she lives in jeans and doc martens
  • At her age?
  • You can wear docs at any age ma
  • Not very feminine are they?
  • She wore flowery skirts and dresses when Frankie was alive. She’s only starting to have a style of her own since he died
  • Men like their women to dress like women
  • Women can dress how they like ma. They shouldn’t have a man to tell them what to wear
  • He seemed like the controlling type alright. His da was the very same with the mother. Poor Florrie, lord rest her,she wasn’t even allowed wear trousers. “Only one person wears the trousers in my house” he said to your da one time
  • Like father, like son then
  •  That oul fecker wouldn’t let her even come to the Bingo.
  • How can women let men control them like that?
  • Afraid of them obviously
  • He sounds like an awful oul gobshite.
  • I hope Val is happy now
  • She seems happy enough. Happier than when Frankie was alive to be honest with you
  • Happy to be free to flirt with other men you mean
  • Leave it out ma will you

 

That woman, I swear to God, she’d wreck your head,

 

 

Double glazed widows

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 14 Comments

windows

 

I told you me ma loves a good funeral story. I told her about Jimmy’s mate Frankie kicking the bucket last week…

  • Another double glazed widow then Bernie
  • What’s that ma?
  • A double glaze widow. Bury their husbands of a Monday, get the builders in of a Tuesday
  • That’s terrible ma
  • Well, some of them wait a bit longer, they don’t like the neighbours talking
  • I think you make these stories up ma
  • As true as I’m sitting here Bernie, I’m telling you. As soon as the husband dies, they get the entire house double glazed because they weren’t allowed when they were alive
  • Weren’t allowed? We’re not living in the fifties ma
  • You’ve no idea Bernie. Not everyone is as lucky as you.
  • Maybe it was like that in your era ma, but not now
  • What are you talking about? Sure haven’t you just told me that Frankie’s missus getting a complete makeover on the house soon…and him only a few hours under the ground
  • That’s one person ma…ONE
  • …and what about Rita Burke in number nineteen? Attic conversion a month after Johnny kicked the bucket
  • She needed the room for the grand kids when her daughter moved in with her ma
  • …and Eileen Dunne around the corner. The hearse had hardly pulled away from the house when she had a new front door and a cobble lock driveway
  • Stop exaggerating ma
  • No exaggeration at all Bernie…and she had no one moving in with her except her fancy man
  • Ma, stoppit
  • You’re very naive Bernadette
  • ..and you just love making up stories about the neighbours
  • …Then there’s Maura Whatsername in the cul de sac. Didn’t Jimmy put in a new kitchen for her  a week after her fella died
  • It wasn’t a week ma
  • How long was it then?
  • About a month
  • See! I told you Bernie. You mark my words, that Valerie woman will be ordering a new conservatory and a world cruise in no time
  • Actually Jimmy is calling around this week to give her an estimate
  • Holy god, she’s quick off the mark isn’t she Bernie?
  • She is ma. Frankie is only dead a week
  • She’s wasting no time spending the insurance money is she?
  • Well by all accounts, he was a right tight bastard
  • So, she’ll be making up for all them years of penny pinching
  • Poor cow all the same. I’d hate to be married to a mean man
  • Nothing worse than a tight arse Bernie

Maisie talks some shite at the best of times, but I think she’s right about this one lads…

 

Altar Ego…Me ma would say mass if you let her

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 9 Comments

 

You know when some people say “I’d give anything just to have another hour with me ma” Well you know what I feel like saying to them sometimes? “Take mine, and keep her for as long as you like love”. They’d be throwing her back after five minutes I tell ye…

  • Morning ma
  • Morning Bernadette
  • So were you out this morning?
  • I was, no thanks to you
  • What do you mean
  • Oh nothing. I know you’re busy, it doesn’t matter
  • Jaysis ma, you know you can be such a pain in the arse
  • What did you say
  • I said…did you go to mass ?
  • I did. Your brother brought me
  • That’s nice
  • Bernard, not Frank
  • Good old St. Bernard
  • Leave Bernard alone
  • With pleasure
  • So how’s father Mulcahy?
  • Sure Fr. Mulcahy retired years ago Bernie
  • He gave me my first communion, bless him. So who’s doing mass now?
  • Father Slevin. Lovely chap from Cork, he does a lovely mass
  • Does he? That’s nice
  • Very uplifting sermon
  • Sounds great ma, and did you get a nice bit of communion as well?
  • For God’s sake Bernie, it’s the body of Christ, not a lump of roast beef from the butchers…a nice bit of communion…I ask you
  • Jaysis ma I was only enquiring
  • Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to mass..or confession for that matter
  • Christmas ma
  • Christmas? That’s shocking Bernie
  •  1989
  • Are you serious? I brought you up a good catholic girl and you don’t even go to mass
  • You don’t need to go to mass to be a good person ma
  • You need to thank god for your blessings
  • I can thank God at home ma
  • It’s not the same at all Why is it not the same? No point in being a hypocrite like some of them aul ones on your road
  • Who?
  • That Mrs. Crowley for starters. Up kissing the altar rails every morning then bitching about the other aul ones as soon as she gets as far as Tesco’s
  • Ah don’t mind that aul Biddy. You can’t compare other people to her. She’s an aul bitch. Sure didn’t her poor husband die just to get away from her
  • Didn’t you just get mass and communion ma?
  • I told you I did Bernie
  • Well I think you might need a trip to confession now, never mind me
  • Why
  • Calling Mrs. C an aul bitch
  • I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the lord himself know it
  • Holy jaysis ma
  • Stop taking the lords name in vain, there’s no need for it.
  • Says you slagging the neighbours
  • I’m not slagging, I’m just stating the obvious, but you’re forever blaspheming
  • Alright ma, get down off the altar will you for fuck sake
  • Stop cursing
  • Alright Mother Teresa, I’ll just go put the kettle on

That aul one is the giddy limit sometimes …