Off her trolley

 

 

a&EMaisie is in hospital after having a bit of a fall. She’ll be OK but the doctors are keeping an eye on her for a few days because she banged her head. She gets regular visits from the doctor and his team to ask her a series of questions to make sure the knock to her head didn’t affect her memory. We were in A&E for over twenty four hours waiting for a bed.

  • Good morning Margaret and how are you?
  • You can call me Maisie, only my poor mother called me Margaret, lord rest her
  • So how are we feeling this morning?
  • Well, I’m grand, considering I never got a wink of sleep, there’s nothing but winos and junkies causing commotion all night and there’s hardly any staff on duty…and how are you?
  • Fine…fine…I’m fine. So, I have the results of your X ray and everything seems fine
  • So, can I go home ?
  • No, I’m sorry, we’ll be holding on to you for a few days Marg…em Maisie
  • Oh so you have a bed for me then?
  • Not yet, soon
  • You said that last night son, and I’ll tell you this for nothing, I’m not spending another night on this bloody trolley on a corridor for every passerby to gawp at
  • I’m sorry, but we’re very busy and…
  • Would you allow your mother spend a night in this place?
  • Well, I wouldn’t like to, no
  • Well there you go. If it’s not good enough for your mother, why should it  be good enough for me?
  • Emmm, I just wanted to ask you a few questions if that’s ok
  • More questions?
  • It won’t take long
  • You asked me loads of questions when I got here, and your friend asked me the same ones again at ten o’clock last night. Do you not tell each other anything in this place?
  • I need to ask again I’m sorry. We need to make sure…
  • …that I haven’t lost me marbles…yeah yeah
  • No, it’s not that, it’s…
  • Oh just ask me for Gods sake
  • Do you know what day it is today?
  • Well, I was brought in on Monday, I’m still on a trolley in A&E waiting for a bed, so it must be….Friday?
  • It’s Tuesday
  • Is that all? It feels longer, these bloody trolleys would kill your back
  • Can you tell me what year it is?
  • Well it feels like 1974 and I’m in an episode of M.A.S.H but rumour has it it’s 2018
  • Do you know who the President is?
  • Why? Is he looking for a bed?
  • No no no, I just need to know if you can tell me his name
  • Just as well, he’d be a long time waiting
  • His name?
  • Oh is it not Mary McAleese anymore?
  • No, I’m afraid not
  • Mary Robinson?
  • he was before Mary McAleese
  • Very good doctor, and who was before her?
  • I’m meant to be asking you the questions
  • Aww do you not know the answer..it’s Patrick Hillery
  • ….
  • What are you looking at me like that for?Patrick Hillery was so the president before Mary Robinson, and O’Dálaigh was before him
  • But who is the president now?
  • Michael D is of course…well he was before I checked in to this place. They could have had another election the length of time I’m lying here waiting for a bed
  • Yes, it is still Michael D
  • Lovely man, and his wife is lovely too; what’s her name again? Sabrina, isn’t it?
  • Sabina
  • That’s it, Sabina; She must’ve dropped the ‘R’. Sabrina isn’t very presidents wife is it?
  • Can you remember what year you were born?
  • I can
  • Can you tell me?
  • No
  • So you can’t remember?
  • Yes I can but I’m not telling you
  • But…
  • I told you yesterday, and I told your colleague last night…a ladies age is her own business and nothing to do with you so don’t ask me again, now feck off with your questions
  • I’ve just a few more….
  • I’ve a question for you doctor
  • Yes?
  • When am I getting a bed?
  • I don’t actually know yet Marg…Maisie
  • Well, I’ll tell you what; When you have the answer to that one, come back to me
  • I’ll see what I can do
  • Bye now
  • I’ll come back later
  • Well, only if  it’s to tell me you either have a bed for me or I can go home
  • But…
  • But nothing, and tell that nurse to bring me a cup of tea. I’m bloody parching

 

I’m surprised they gave her a bed at all  :p

 

 

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Driving Ms Maisie

You need nerves of steel when you’ve to bring ma to the hospital.

 

D 2017

  • What way are we going Bernie?
  • The way I always go ma
  • Do you not remember the traffic last time Bernie?
  • That was rush hour ma. It won’t be as busy this time
  • Maybe we’d be quicker bypassing the village
  • I am bypassing the village ma
  • Are you sure
  • Yes I’m sure ma
  • This looks like the same way we went last time
  • It is the same way we went last time ma
  • But remember how busy it was
  • I told you that was rush hour. It’s grand at this time of the morning
  • Mind that woman crossing the road Bernie
  • I see her ma
  • But you didn’t slow down
  • She’s miles away ma
  • You cant take any chances Bernie
  • I wont ma
  • What time is it now?
  • Ten past ten
  • Will we be on time Bernie?
  • Yes ma, we’ve loads of time.
  • Maybe we should have gone the other way
  • Oh for fuck sake
  • Language Bernadette
  • Oh you heard me?I thought you were deaf
  • Well I heard that
  • You hear what you want to hear
  • What?
  • I SAID WE’RE ALMOST THERE
  • Are we on time?
  • Your appointment is not until eleven
  • I like to be early
  • You will be early
  • The traffic seems to be building up
  • It’s just people crossing at the zebra crossing ma. There’s only three cars in front of us
  • Maybe we should have gone the other way
  • The other way is longer ma
  • I always went the other way when I was driving
  • Well I’m driving now
  • I’m only trying to be helpful Bernadette
  • I know ma, but you’re getting on me bleedin’ nerves
  • What did you say?
  • I SAID THIS ROAD HAS A LOT OF CURVES
  • I told you to go the other way
  • Jesus help me. What did I do to deserve this?
  • Why are we stopping at the chemist?
  • We’re not stopping at the chemist
  • That’s what you said
  • I didn’t.  Why didn’t you put in your hearing aid before we left
  • The village is to the left
  • I’M NOT GOING THROUGH THE VILLAGE. I TOLD YOU THAT
  • You just said you were turning left
  • Somebody please help me…
  • When I was driving…
  • Jaysis ma I know. When you were driving you used to go that way, BUT THIS IS THE WAY I GO. OKAY?
  • Sorry for speaking
  • I’m just trying to get you to your appointment on time ma
  • Are we on time Bernie?
  • YES MOTHER
  • Those lights ahead are  red Bernie
  • I CAN SEE THEM
  • I was just making an observation… I’ll stop talking now
  • That’d be reallllllly lovely
  • WHAT?
  • I SAID IS’NT THE WEATHER LOVELY?

 

I’m going to glue that fucking hearing aid to her ears, I swear to God

 

Kimberly Mikado and Coconut Creams

kimberly.jpg

  • Put the kettle on Ber will ye
  • What’s up Lynn? You look worn out
  • I am worn out Bernie. I’ve been helping to look after Daves Ma since she got out of hospital
  • Ah how is she? I heard she had a bad fall
  • Who told you that?
  • Her friend May. I met her in Aldi last week. Said Vera broke her hip when she fell off a chair when she was cleaning the windows. ‘Wouldn’t ye think those lads of hers would clean her windows for her’ she said to me.
  • That fuckin’ aul one, I swear I’ll bleedin’ swing for her one of these days Bernie
  • Who May? Ah she’s a lovely aul skin
  • No, Daves ma. Broken hip my arse.
  • Ah but Lynn, she’s nearly eighty. She shouldn’t be climbing on chairs at her age, especially to clean windows
  • She never cleans her windows. Dave does them for her every Saturday. Her windows are bleedin’ cleaner than mine…and the only reason she was on a chair was to get her kimberly biscuits that she hides at the back of the cupboard with the mikado and coconut creams so no one else can eat them on her
  • ‘Someone you love would love some mum’..remember the ad Lynn?
  • She won’t eat anything else, she  only loves herself. Everyone else has to make do with custard creams. Just as well I’m fond of a custard cream Bernie
  • A broken hip but Lynn, that’s bad
  • Broken hip me arse Bernie. She has a few bruised ribs. She wouldn’t even have been in the hospital only Dave happened to call in when she was getting down off the chair with the biscuits under her arm. The shock of being caught made her trip over. She made such a palaver, he rang an ambulance for her. They only kept her in overnight because she was moaning so much about the pain. It didn’t stop her eating her biscuits though and sending for cups of tea every half hour. Dave had to sit with her in A and E for twelve hours .
  • So if she’s not that bad, why are you all looking after her then?
  • Because she’s a bleedin’ drama queen and loving all the attention. She’s insisting on someone staying with her every night in case she ‘falls’ again and she has us run ragged doing her housework and shopping for her. I told Dave she’s putting it on but he won’t hear a bad word said about her.
  • Well let him look after her then, she’s his mother, not yours
  • Well he has to work and so does Terry and John and their wives won’t go near the aul battleaxe.
  • What about his sisters?
  • Mary lives in Mayo. She keeps saying she’ll be up, but there’s no sign of her yet. Sandra lives in Monkstown and said there’s no way she can stay over and leave her kids at night. They’re  eighteen and twenty one for fuck sake, older than my Leanne and Spohie.
  • Shows how much they think of their mother then Lynn if they won’t come up and take care of her.
  • They know what she’s like Bernie. There’s nothing bleedin’ wrong with her. Sandra told me herself, her mas a hypochondriac and a guilt tripper
  • That’s a shocking thing to say about your ma
  • Well not if Vera was your ma. Sandra is right. She just loves people running around after her
  • So who’s with her now then?
  • I’m supposed to be but I told her I was nipping out to the shop to buy a packet of biscuits for the tea. I left her stretched out like mother of sorrows watching Loose Women
  • Loose women finished half an hour ago Lynn
  • I know. I went home to make me beds before I came here
  • Where’s the biscuits then?
  • In me bag
  • kimberly?
  • No
  • Mikado?
  • No
  • Coconut creams?
  • No. Custard creams
  • But I thought…
  • She hates custard creams
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • Thanks Ber.

 

Recovery

R

I thought I was great after the colonoscopy procedure but when Jimmy picked me up from the hospital I went straight home and collapsed into the bed. I slept for the whole afternoon. I was bleedin’ knackered. It was dark when I woke up…

  • Are you awake Bernie?
  • Hmmmm
  • Are you awake?
  • I am now
  • I brought you a cup of tea
  • Thanks love
  • Would you like a something to eat?
  • A slice of toast would be lovely Jimmy
  • No bother. I’ll make it for you now
  • Lovely
  • I thought you were never going to wake up
  • How long was I asleep?
  • Four hours
  • Really?
  • Ye, you were out for the count
  • What time is it?
  • Half six
  • Did you have your dinner?
  • No, I was waiting for you to wake up
  • Ah, that’s nice. What are you making?
  • Me? I thought you’d make it
  • Are you serious? You’re waiting for me to make your dinner?
  • You know I can’t cook Bernie
  • You don’t know until you try Jimmy
  • I never had to try Bernie
  • Your ma spoiled you rotten
  • What about you
  • What about me?
  • You spoiled me too
  • Did I?
  • You always do the cooking
  • Not today
  • Ah you have a rest there Bernie. You’ve been through the mill at that hospital
  • Yeah, I do feel wrecked alright
  • I’ll just go make your toast and a fresh cuppa and then I’d organise dinner
  • Are you really going to cook Jimmy?
  • I am in me bollix. I’ll go to the chipper
  • Good man
  • I’m glad your ok Ber
  • Were you worried about me?
  • Of course I was. Who’d make me dinner if anything happened to you?
  • Fuck off Jimmy
  • I’m only messin’
  • I know you are
  • It’s taken a lot out of you.
  • I’m grand. I’ll be back to meself by the morning
  • Of course you will. Love you Bernie
  • Love you too Jimmy
  • I’ll go get that tea and toast
  • Thanks love

Ah, he’s not a bad aul skin all the same  🙂