Kimberly Mikado and Coconut Creams


  • Put the kettle on Ber will ye
  • What’s up Lynn? You look worn out
  • I am worn out Bernie. I’ve been helping to look after Daves Ma since she got out of hospital
  • Ah how is she? I heard she had a bad fall
  • Who told you that?
  • Her friend May. I met her in Aldi last week. Said Vera broke her hip when she fell off a chair when she was cleaning the windows. ‘Wouldn’t ye think those lads of hers would clean her windows for her’ she said to me.
  • That fuckin’ aul one, I swear I’ll bleedin’ swing for her one of these days Bernie
  • Who May? Ah she’s a lovely aul skin
  • No, Daves ma. Broken hip my arse.
  • Ah but Lynn, she’s nearly eighty. She shouldn’t be climbing on chairs at her age, especially to clean windows
  • She never cleans her windows. Dave does them for her every Saturday. Her windows are bleedin’ cleaner than mine…and the only reason she was on a chair was to get her kimberly biscuits that she hides at the back of the cupboard with the mikado and coconut creams so no one else can eat them on her
  • ‘Someone you love would love some mum’..remember the ad Lynn?
  • She won’t eat anything else, she  only loves herself. Everyone else has to make do with custard creams. Just as well I’m fond of a custard cream Bernie
  • A broken hip but Lynn, that’s bad
  • Broken hip me arse Bernie. She has a few bruised ribs. She wouldn’t even have been in the hospital only Dave happened to call in when she was getting down off the chair with the biscuits under her arm. The shock of being caught made her trip over. She made such a palaver, he rang an ambulance for her. They only kept her in overnight because she was moaning so much about the pain. It didn’t stop her eating her biscuits though and sending for cups of tea every half hour. Dave had to sit with her in A and E for twelve hours .
  • So if she’s not that bad, why are you all looking after her then?
  • Because she’s a bleedin’ drama queen and loving all the attention. She’s insisting on someone staying with her every night in case she ‘falls’ again and she has us run ragged doing her housework and shopping for her. I told Dave she’s putting it on but he won’t hear a bad word said about her.
  • Well let him look after her then, she’s his mother, not yours
  • Well he has to work and so does Terry and John and their wives won’t go near the aul battleaxe.
  • What about his sisters?
  • Mary lives in Mayo. She keeps saying she’ll be up, but there’s no sign of her yet. Sandra lives in Monkstown and said there’s no way she can stay over and leave her kids at night. They’re  eighteen and twenty one for fuck sake, older than my Leanne and Spohie.
  • Shows how much they think of their mother then Lynn if they won’t come up and take care of her.
  • They know what she’s like Bernie. There’s nothing bleedin’ wrong with her. Sandra told me herself, her mas a hypochondriac and a guilt tripper
  • That’s a shocking thing to say about your ma
  • Well not if Vera was your ma. Sandra is right. She just loves people running around after her
  • So who’s with her now then?
  • I’m supposed to be but I told her I was nipping out to the shop to buy a packet of biscuits for the tea. I left her stretched out like mother of sorrows watching Loose Women
  • Loose women finished half an hour ago Lynn
  • I know. I went home to make me beds before I came here
  • Where’s the biscuits then?
  • In me bag
  • kimberly?
  • No
  • Mikado?
  • No
  • Coconut creams?
  • No. Custard creams
  • But I thought…
  • She hates custard creams
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • Thanks Ber.


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