Frozen

 

  • Alright Bernie
  • I’m frozen Jimmy, put the kettle on will you
  • Where were you?
  • I went for a walk with Julie
  • In this weather?
  • I didn’t realise how cold it was. I was going mad looking at the four walls
  • It’s bleedin’ Baltic
  • Ah sure I was well wrapped up
  • You could have relapsed
  • Don’t be stupid Jimmy
  • Don’t come moaning to me if you get that flu back
  • Why would I moan to you? You’re the one who moaned about having the flu, not me.
  • I nearly died Bernie
  • You had the flu Jimmy, not the feckin’ Bubonic Plague
  • You’ve no sympathy. People died from the Aussie flu
  • Who? Who died Jimmy?
  • Well I don’t know them personally but I read it in the paper
  • Oh well if you read it in the paper it must be true
  • Conor McGregor had it
  • What’s that got to do with the price of turnips?
  • I’m just saying, him and his entire family were struck down with it over the New Year. Some of them were hospitalised
  • Did they die?
  • No but…
  • So why are you even going on about them?
  • I was only telling you
  • Oh forget it. What’s for dinner?
  • I haven’t been to the shops yet. I just came back for me purse
  • Oh right. I fancy a bit of steak
  •  I don’t think I’ll bother going back out now now
  • Why? What about me dinner?
  • Imagine if I relapsed in the butchers ?
  • You’re just talking silly now
  • You said yourself, it’s Baltic out there
  • Sure can’t you take the car Bernie, come on I’ll make you a cuppa first
  • Jaysis… You’re all heart Jimmy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I built my dreams around you

drunk christmas

So I stayed up late last night waiting for himself to get in from the pub.  I thought we could have a nightcap together…He got in at 2a.m.

  • I could have been someone
  • Well so could anyone
  • You took my dreams from me, when I first found you
  • Did you finish that bottle of Baileys Bernie?
  • What makes you say that Jimmy?
  • Just a hunch Bernie
  • Ah sure it’s Christmas Jimmy. Did you have a nice night?
  • Grand Bernie, just a few pints, you know yourself
  • That’s nice
  • Would you not just get into the bed Bernie instead of just lying on the duvet?
  • I will in a minute Jimmy
  • You should have just come the pub with me
  • I told you I wasn’t drinking tonight Jimmy. I’ve too much to do tomorrow. It’s Christmas Eve babe
  • I see that worked out well for you
  • Goodnight Jimmy, ye little maggot
  • Go asleep Bernie, you cheap lousy faggot
  • Merry Christmas your arse

 

…and the bells will be ringing out for Christmas Day

 

 

Russian Roulette

_98754453_ireland-pa

 

Jimmy is very down in the dumps since Ireland were beaten by Denmark on Tuesday night. His world cup dream trip to Russia is not to be and he’s not at all pleased…

  • Cancel that Credit Union loan will you Bernie
  • Why?
  • Well, Russia is off now isn’t it
  • Shocking result Jimmy
  • Not really, even me granny lighting a candle wasn’t going to win that match for us
  • Sad all the same but sure we’ll take the loan anyway
  • But what’s the point Bernie?
  • I’d like to go somewhere next year
  • Like where?
  • Anywhere Jimmy; Spain, Portugal, Greece, the Bahamas. A couple of weeks in the sun would be lovely
  • Ah Bernie, you know I hate that two weeks in the sun shite
  • Eh hello…you didn’t say that when you fecked off to France for the Euros last year
  • That was different
  • It’s always different with you isn’t it? And how long were you planning on staying in Russia?
  • That wasn’t a holiday
  • Well what the fuck was it if it wasn’t a holiday?
  • It’s more of a pilgrimage Bernie
  • Lourdes is a pilgrimage; Medjugorge  is a pilgrimage…Russia for the world cup is not a bleedin’ pilgrimage. It’s a piss up every night with your mates while you trail around the country after a football team
  • It’s called supporting your country Bernie
  • It’s called taking liberties Jimmy, and what about supporting your wife?
  • I do support my wife. When did I ever leave you short?
  • I’m not talking about money Jimmy as well you know
  • Well we didn’t get through, Russia is off so there’s no point going on about it
  • All I said was, lets go on a holiday together seeing as you won’t be going to Russia
  • I’ll think about it
  • You’ll think about it? Is that what you said to your mates when they were planning the world cup trip? ‘I’ll think about it?’
  • What was there to think about Bernie?
  • Yeah too right, you were on to Trip Adviser checking flights to Moscow and Vladivostok before Ireland even qualified
  •  Vladivostok?
  • Yeah, that’s in Russia … isn’t it?
  • Yeah but none of the football venues are there
  • Look Jimmy I’m not an expert on Russian geography or football venues, but I do know where there’s a lovely hotel on the beach in Lanzarote , now are we going to go or not?
  • Do I have a choice?
  • I’m not holding a gun to your head Jimmy
  • Oh go on so…anywhere but Russia …or Denmark
  •  I’ll just go check Trip Adviser
  • You don’t waste any time do you?
  • Wasting time is robbing oneself
  • What?
  • Old Russian proverb Jimmy
  • I have an Irish one for you
  • What?
  • As much as I may drink tonight I will still be thirsty tomorrow
  • You’re off to the pub then?
  • Got it in one Bernie
  • I might join you later for a black russian

Every cloud does have a silver ling but doesn’t it?  😉

 

 

Loose woman

housework

 

  • Are you sitting there all morning ?
  • I just sat down to have a coffee is that alright?
  • You were sitting there when I left this morning
  • Because I was only after making your breakfast and hanging out the washing and I fancied a cup of tea and a slice of toast for me own breakfast while I watched Lorraine
  • You’ve a great life all the same, cups of tea and coffee and breaks whenever you like
  • I’m only after sitting down I told you
  • I believe ye, thousands wouldn’t
  • Believe what you like Jimmy, now excuse me, til I catch the end of Loose Women
  • I wish I had time to watch Loose Women but I’ve only half an hour to get a bit of lunch
  • You can’t stand Loose Women?
  • I know but it beats working your arse off on a bulding site
  • You’re not the only one who works you know. I’m on the go all morning
  • But you’re at home all day. You’re your own boss Bernie
  • Yeah, it’s great having no one looking over your shoulder alright
  • You’re very touchy today
  • Am I? I wonder why? Oh by the way, we had visitors earlier
  • Who?
  • Kim and Aggie called at nine this morning, they hoovered the hall stairs and landing while they were here
  • Did they? That’s nice
  • Yeah, then they cleaned out the  bathroom and the ensuite, mopped the floors, cleaned the windows, changed the duvets, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, then put on three loads of washing. I told them not to get in Alans way while they were hanging it out on the line
  • Alan who?
  • Titchmarsh…he was out doing a bit of weeding before planting the spring bulbs.
  • Is that right?
  • Yeah.Two hours he was out there. Jamie came in just as he was leaving
  • Jamie who?
  • Jamie Oliver. He made a lovely sheperds pie for your dinner…from scratch.
  • Very nice, and did he make any dessert?
  • He was going to make an apple crumble and custard but I told him not to bother
  • Why?
  • BECAUSE HE WAS BLEEDIN’ KNACKERED AND WANTED TO SIT DOWN FOR TWENTY MINUTES WITH A COFFEE AND WATCH LOOSE WOMEN
  • Calm down Bernie. Sure can’t we open a tin of fruit and have it with some ice cream instead.
  • Get out of me way Jimmy before I lose me mind. I’m missing me programme, and you’re getting on me last nerve.
  • Any chance of a ham sandwich and a cuppa?
  • You know where the kettle is, and there’s ham in the fridge
  • Are you not going to make it for me?
  • I just sat down Jimmy
  • You just can’t get the staff these days …

I’ll swing for him one of these days, I swear 🙄

Playboy

playboy

  •  See that Hugh Hefner fella died
  • Jaysis, he’s been around for a long time
  • Ninety one he was, it’s here in this mornings paper
  • Older than me ma
  • You know he was sixty years older than his last wife
  • Sure the older he got, the younger his wives got. What the hell did they see in him?
  • Money Bernie, that’s all… money
  • …and him always hanging around in his pyjamas
  • Ever ready what!
  • I can’t see them throwing him out of Tesco’s if he went in for a jumbo breakfast roll in his jammies
  • They say he went deaf from too much viagra
  •  Jaysis I must warn uncle Billy
  • Your uncle Billy has been deaf for years
  • So he has…ooohh
  • All them bunny girls, he must have had thousands of them over the years
  • A dirty old man he was
  • It says here that he died surrounded by his loved ones
  • He must’ve had a huge bed for all them bunnies to gather round
  • I’m sure they mean his wife and kids, but yeah, I heard his bed was massive alright
  • I can’t see him getting into Heaven, can you Jimmy?
  • Well if he does, it will be a bit of a let down for him after the Playboy Mansion Bernie
  • Jimmy!!

 

Happy Endings

One of Jimmy’s old work buddies died. The funeral was yesterday.

  • So, how did the funeral go?
  • Very sad Bernie. Very sad
  • I’d say the family were in bits were they? It was so sudden
  • It was, sure didn’t I only see him in the pub last Tuesday, there wasn’t a bother on him
  • You just don’t know the day nor the hour do you Jimmy?
  • You sure don’t Bernie
  • What’s in the bag there
  • Batter burger and chips
  • Did you not get food at the funeral
  • Soup and a sandwich
  • I didn’t keep dinner for you because I thought you’d be having a sit down meal
  • Are you mad? At Franks funeral? Sure he’d turn in his grave if he knew he was even paying for a few ham sambos
  • Was he that bad?
  • He was a miserable aul shite
  • Ah Jimmy. Don’t be speaking ill of the dead
  • I’d say they buried him with his communion money
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • But was the service nice
  • It was Bernie. Father Joe gave a lovely eulogy
  • That’s nice
  • You know what Anto says to me?
  • What?
  • “I think we’re at the wrong funeral Jimmy”
  •  Why would he say that?
  • Well, Fr. Joe kept going on about how generous Frank was and how he’d give you his last shilling
  • What’s wrong with that?
  •  Frankie was as tight as a nuns knickers so he was. Wouldn’t buy a round of drinks if his life depended on it ; Still owes me a few pints you know. He was a miserable shite
  • You’ve two hopes of getting them now Jimmy…none and Bob
  • His money will be well spent now that its in the hands of his missus. Valerie is  getting the house done up
  • She didn’t waste much time did she?
  • Well Frankie never let her do a thing to his house. It’s just as it was when his ma lived in it. Same wallpaper and all. Me and Ray helped him to hang it, Christmas 1984 just after his da died. He was a miserable aul fucker as well.
  • 1984? for fuck sake, it must be in rag order. How did she put up with that?
  • She’d no choice. She didn’t work. He was the breadwinner, so he decided what was done
  • I’m delighted for her
  • What that her husband died
  • No, that she’s going to have a decent house to live in at last. Wait until I tell me ma
  • Did Maisie know him then?
  • No, but you know what she’s like. She loves a good funeral story
  • Especially one with a happy ending
  • Hardly a happy ending if he’s dead Jimmy
  • It is for me Bernie; Valerie’s hired me and Anto to do the renovations for her.
  • Only you could pick up work at a funeral Jimmy Violet
  • You take the work where you can get it Ber. Here, do you want half of me batter burger

 

No one could accuse Jimmy of being a mean aul shite all the same, could they?

Chasing rainbows on Paddy’s day

crock of gold

  • Who’s idea was it to call it St. Patty’s day Jimmy?
  • The Americans
  • …and who the fuck is Patty when she’s at home anyway?
  • A snake charmer called Patricia. Paddy got rid of the snakes, she’s gonna bring them back
  • She’s doing a good job of it so. There’s a few snakes around I’d like to give a belt of a shillelagh to.
  • Saint Patrick didn’t carry a shillelagh, he carried a walking stick. You’re thinking of leprechauns. Leprechauns carry shillelaghs
  • Do they now Mr. know all? …and when was the last time you saw a leprechaun with a shillelagh?
  • When I was five, in the fairy ring at the bottom of me mas garden
  • Next you’ll be telling me you found his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow
  • Ah that’s all a myth Bernie
  • You do surprise me Jimmy. Leprechauns,shillelaghs and fairy rings; but no pot of gold?
  • No end of the rainbow Bernie. It’s forever illusive.
  • Tell me about it. I’m forever chasing rainbows Jimmy
  • Sure didn’t you catch me? Better than any crock of gold I am
  • Golden balls himself
  • Begorrah and be god sure I am so I am Bernadette Rosaleen
  • Stop it will you. Next thing you’ll be saying ‘Top o’ de mornin’ to ye’
  • Ah sure you have to get into the Paddy’s day spirit Bernie
  • By talking like Jimmy O’Dea in  Darby O’Gill and the Little People?
  • I was thinking more Sean Connery
  • Are you sure you didn’t kiss the Blarney stone as well Jimmy?
  • Why?
  • Because you never stop talking shite
  • Ah lighten up Bernie. It’s Paddys day. I’ve the whole weekend off. Time for the craic
  • Don’t even think of asking me to go in to the Parade
  • Fuck that Bernie. In this weather? We’re going down the pub to drown the shamrock
  • Now you’re talking. You can buy me dinner as well
  • We can have a look for a fairy ring on the way Ber
  • Ask me hoop Jimmy

Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone   🙂

🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀