You only live once #AtoZChallenge

x

  • What’s with  the  spinning around the kitchen in your nightdress Bernie?
  • I’m practicing
  • For what?
  • I’ve signed up for a new class with Julie
  • What class needs  leg warmers and sweat bands?All you’re short of is a pair of skates
  • Roller blades Jimmy, no one skates anymore
  • Don’t tell me you’re taking up roller blading?
  • Give over Jimmy, can you see me roller blading down the avenue?
  • Hmmmmm…that’s not what Koko said
  • I’ll bleedin’ kill her…
  • You were like a bag of cats the other day, moaning about your weight and now you’re all spinny and happy,what’s happened to change your mind?
  • I just realized how lucky I am
  • Sure haven’t I been telling you that since you married me
  • Feck off Jimmy
  • You hate it when I’m right Bernie
  • No I don’t…well actually yeah I do but that’s beside the point
  • So what IS your point then?
  • We’re both very lucky Jim; We have a lovely home, a lovely family…well mostly lovely, when they’re not getting on me nerves like. We’re not short of a few bob. We don’t have much to complain about
  • Except you and your bloody diet
  • I’ve a pain in me hoop with bloody dieting
  • Does this mean you’re…sorry WE’RE ditching the diet?
  • Yeah. I never really stuck to it anyway Jimmy…and don’t mention the Big Mac!
  • I wasn’t going to say anything, I’m just delighted you’ve come to your senses at last
  • This doesn’t mean we’ll be eating shite all the time now Jimmy. We’re also lucky to be reasonably healthy, and I want to keep it that way. You only live once and life is too short to be miserable
  • And you’ve been miserable for weeks Bernie
  • So have you!
  • Only because of the rabbit food you were making me eat
  • No more rabbit food
  • Deadly; but you’re right, we are lucky, we have more than a lot of people
  • And we have each other ….big arses and all…
  • Here you, speak for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with my arse
  • I’m sure I’ll see worse tomorrow
  • I haven’t a scoobie what your on about Ber
  • My new class…with Julie. Do you be even listening to me Jimmy?
  • I’m too hungry Ber. Here, I’ll make us a fry up to celebrate the end of the diet. I’d eat a cows arse through a hedge at this moment
  • Maybe just a few rashers for me Jimmy
  • No sausage?
  • Ah go on so,  sure I can work it off, but use the grill… no more fry ups Jimmy
  • I knew it was too good to be true…

 

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Weight not want not #AprilAtoZChallenge

W

  • Where are you off to today Bernie?
  • Shopping with Julie
  • Again?I predict the smell the credit card melting
  • I’m not buying anything; we’re just looking
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m buying nothing until I lose weight
  • You must have lost some weight by now.
  • Don’t start with me Jimmy
  • You’re the one eating sneaky rasher sambos and big Macs
  • ONE rasher sandwich, and ONE big Mac, Jesus make me feel guilty why don’t you
  • You’re the one complaining about not losing weight, and I’m sick of this diet. How long are you…sorry WE on it
  • Too bleedin’ long, and anyway, don’t be getting all judgemental with me, I know you’ve been down eating dinners in your mas, then coming back here for your salad
  • A man can’t survive on lettuce alone
  • Well I’m expected to
  • Well you’re obviously wasting your time
  • Thanks very much for the vote of confidence
  • Anyway, you don’t need to lose weight
  • Nothing fits me Jimmy. I feel huge
  • You’re not huge
  • All of my clothes are tight on me
  • So buy bigger clothes…or stop with the sneaky rasher sambos
  • Are you looking for a slap in the head?
  • What?
  • I don’t want to buy bigger clothes. I want to fit into the ones I have
  • They look fine on you
  • They do not! They make me look like an elephant…and if you mention that rasher sandwich again I swear I’ll swing for you
  • It’s all in your mind Bernie, you look the same as you always do
  • So you’re saying I always look fat?
  • You don’t look fat
  • You see me everyday, so you don’t notice
  • I notice that you’re grand just the way you are

I don’t know whether to hit him or hug him!

😡😡😡

Quark and Quinoa

Q

  • BERNIE!
  • WHAT?
  • WHAT’S THIS WHITE STUFF ON MY PLATE
  • QUARK
  • WHAT?
  • QUARK
  • WHY ARE YOU MAKING DUCK NOISES?
  • WHAT?
  • WILL YOU JUST COME IN TO THE KITCHEN
  • What?
  • What’s this white stuff on my plate?
  • Quark, I told you
  • Ducks quack
  • QUARK … it’s a cheese Jimmy
  • Why didn’t you just say cheese? And what’s this shit?
  • Quinoa
  • What the fuck is that when it’s at home?
  • It’s like a grain
  • What am I? A duck?
  • QUARK!!
  • You’re losing the plot Bernie

duck.0

Ah lads it’s Friday…I need a laugh!

 

Calories

C 2018

  • Are you having a fry up Bernie?
  • Are you having a laugh Jimmy?
  • Why?
  • You know I’m on a diet
  • Don’t be ridiculous
  • Thanks for your support Jimmy
  • You don’t need to lose weight. You’re grand as you are
  • I’m not having a fry
  • A bleedin’ sausage isn’t going to kill you Bernie
  • Maybe if  you grill it
  • Grill my arse Bernie. I have the pan on. It’s fried or nothing
  • They do smell nice, and I am starving… and there’s probably not that many calories in one sausage… and…
  • Jaysis Bernie, are you having breakfast or not
  • Go on so Jimmy, seeing as you never cook, I’d feel bad if I didn’t
  • I’m not twisting your arm here am I?
  • Fuck it, throw on a rasher for me  as well
  • Right y’are Bernie
  • Sure I’ll have a salad for me tea
  • Lovely
  • I’ll butter the bread will I? One slice won’t kill me
  • Indeed it won’t.

smiling sausage

I don’t know if that sausage is disappointed or amused  :p

Big bum #AtoZChallenge

B 2018

I’ve a pain in my arse (‘scuse the pun) looking for something to wear that doesn’t make me look like Miss Piggy after a five course meal…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • Ah jaysis Bernie, not that old chestnut again
  • Well does it?
  • No
  • Liar
  • Yes then
  • Seriously?
  • Jaysis I don’t know Bernie
  • Is it big or not? simple question Jimmy
  • How big is big?
  • Fuck off; is it that big?
  • I never said that Bernie
  • You implied it
  • I implied nothing. Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Define grand
  • It’s in proportion to your body
  • You’re saying it’s massive so
  • No I’m not
  • But I’ve put on a stone in weight since Christmas, so if my arse is in proportion to my body then it must be huge
  • Maybe you didn’t put as much weight on your arse as you did on the rest of your body
  • Are you saying I’m fat everywhere else then?
  • No
  • Why did you say that then?
  • I was trying to make you feel better
  • By saying I’m a fat bitch?
  • I never… Oh I give up Bernie

Why do I even ask him?????

 

bum

 

April goals and Alcoholliers #AtoZChallenge

A

Ok so as well as doing the AtoZ Challenge this month I’m also on a mission to lose weight before me alcoholliers. I could be fighting a losing battle because I get no encouragement from anyone in this gaff…

 

  • JIMMY!!
  • What?
  • What time is it?
  • It’s half past twelve
  • Well why does it say ten past eleven on these scales?
  • You’re standing on a weighing scales Bernie, not a bleedin’ clock
  • There’s a clock built into it
  • Who told you that?
  • Jason did when he bought it for me
  • Don’t be minding that fella, he’d say mass
  • But look it says 11.10 on the screen
  • That’s your weight Bernie…not the time
  • I’ve never been eleven stone in my life the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • Don’t blame me
  • I’ll kill that Jason fella
  • He didn’t eat cream cakes and chips Bernie, you did
  • Why would he even buy me a weighing scales anyway?
  • Because he asked you what you wanted for your birthday and you said, to lose weight, he was only being supportive
  • Supportive me hole
  • Well you know what to do now don’t you
  • I haven’t had a chip since last Friday…or a cream cake
  • Think on the positive side Bernie
  • What’s to be positive about?. I’m the size of an elephant
  • Well, it could be ten past eleven and you could be twelve and a half stone
  • Shurrup Jimmy!

scales

 

Driving on air

 

  • Were you out in the car Bernie?
  • I was, why?
  • Did you get petrol?
  • No
  • Why not?
  • I just didn’t
  • You know the petrol light was on last night
  • Why didn’t you get petrol last night then?
  • It’s not my car
  • Well you were driving it
  • For five minutes down to me mas yeah. Where did you go?
  • I went to the Avoca shop with Lynn
  • You drove all the way there with the petrol light on?
  • Jaysis, it’s  Rathcoole Jimmy, not bleedin’ Blackpool
  • I don’t know how you do it
  • Do what?
  • Drive around on bleedin’ air
  • It’s a gift Jimmy
  • One of these days you’re going to run out and then you won’t be laughing
  • I’m not laughing
  • Well you’re not too concerned
  • I got home didn’t I
  • This time you did yeah
  • Lighten up will you, why does it bother you?
  • Because I’m the one you’ll be ringing when you’re stuck in the middle of the Naas Road
  • Oh so it’s yourself you’re worried about? Well no need to worry, I’ll call the AA
  • You can’t be depending on The AA when you run out of petrol
  • Of course I can. I’m a member amn’t I
  • You’re a bleedin’ looper that’s what you are Bernie
  • And you’re a stress ball Jimmy

fuel guage

 

That man needs to take a chill pill…jaysis