Bernies Benidorm Blues.

Jimmy is getting as bad as me ma, he’s like a broken bleedin’ record…

  • There’s you stuck at home for two weeks now.
  • I know, don’t keep saying it, Jimmy.
  • You brought it on yourself.
  • So you keep saying, Jimmy.
  • You know you can’t be sneaking out to the shops either.
  • I know.
  • Or down to Julies for a sneaky coffee.
  • I fucking know, I’m not a child.
  • Well…
  • Will you leave it out, I’m sick listening about it.
  • I’m just saying.
  • Yeah, you keep just saying.
  • Well, if you hadn’t gone to…
  • If you mention Benidorm one more time, I swear I’ll swing for you.
  • Well, you…
  • Fuck off Jimmy.
  • That’s lovely alright
  • You’re getting on my nerves.
  • Right so, I’ll head to work so, some of us  do have a job to go to.
  • Bye
  • Enjoy Loose Women, wont you?
  • I will, smart arse.
  • Your ma is right, you shouldn’t have gone.
  • No, do you know what? I shouldn’t have bloody come home.

… and this was before the pubs closed, before he finished work, before the lock down. Things couldn’t get any worse…could they?

B2020

Una corona blanca

Jimmy is getting as bad as me ma. Here’s me trying to pack me suitcase and he’s bending me ear over that bloody virus.

  • You’re not still going are ye?
  • Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?
  • It’s not safe with this coronavirus, Bernie.
  • We’ll be grand
  • Why would you be grand and they’re dropping like flies all over the world?
  • Exactly. It’s already in Ireland, so if I’m going to get it, I’ll get it here.
  • That’s ridiculous.
  • Why is it ridiculous? Sure there’s plane loads of Italians wandering around Temple Bar as we speak. I’ll probably be safer in Benidorm than you are at home.
  • I don’t go near Temple Bar, I’m going nowhere until this is sorted, and I don’t think you should either.
  • Look Jimmy, it’s been a long winter. I need a bit of sun on me back.
  • It’s more than sun you’ll get, Bernie.
  • I’m booked and paid for, and I’m going. Now get out of me way, Julie will be here in a few minutes.
  • What will you do if they put you on lockdown?
  • I’ll be grand, sure I’ve packed enough for a fortnight.
  • You’ll be confined to your room. What sort of a holiday is that?
  •  We’ve got a balcony with a sea view, we can still sunbathe and we can stock up in Super Sol as soon as we arrive.
  • I thought you were all inclusive?
  • A few extra bottles of gin never did anyone any harm, ask your ma.
  • No need to bring my ma into this.
  • She’s the one stocking up since she heard alcohol kills the virus.
  • Yeah, and who gave her that bit of advice?
  • My ma was just being helpful.
  • Turning my ma into an alco.
  • She didn’t need much turning, Jimmy.
  • Ah now, there’s no need for that sort of talk, Bernie.
  • Leave it out will you, Jimmy. Julie’s outside in the Taxi. Here,carry that suitcase down the stairs for me.
  • Jesus, what have you got in here…bricks?
  • I told you, I’m  bringing an extra few bits, just in case.
  • What kind of bits?
  • A box of Barry’s teabags, jaffa cakes, a couple of packets of Mikado, A 12 pack of Tayto, a Brennans batch loaf, a pound of Kerrygold…
  • And you said your ma was mad? Are you sure you haven’t got a four stone bag of potatoes in here?
  • Don’t be silly, Jimmy, sure I don’t want me bag to be overweight.
  • You’re going to be disappointed if they don’t put you on lock down, Bernie Rose.
  • Can’t argue with you on that one Jimmy. Sure five days is never enough.

 

Poor Jimmy, he’s an awful worrier God bless him. Adios amigos 🙂

 

You only live once #AtoZChallenge

x

  • What’s with  the  spinning around the kitchen in your nightdress Bernie?
  • I’m practicing
  • For what?
  • I’ve signed up for a new class with Julie
  • What class needs  leg warmers and sweat bands?All you’re short of is a pair of skates
  • Roller blades Jimmy, no one skates anymore
  • Don’t tell me you’re taking up roller blading?
  • Give over Jimmy, can you see me roller blading down the avenue?
  • Hmmmmm…that’s not what Koko said
  • I’ll bleedin’ kill her…
  • You were like a bag of cats the other day, moaning about your weight and now you’re all spinny and happy,what’s happened to change your mind?
  • I just realized how lucky I am
  • Sure haven’t I been telling you that since you married me
  • Feck off Jimmy
  • You hate it when I’m right Bernie
  • No I don’t…well actually yeah I do but that’s beside the point
  • So what IS your point then?
  • We’re both very lucky Jim; We have a lovely home, a lovely family…well mostly lovely, when they’re not getting on me nerves like. We’re not short of a few bob. We don’t have much to complain about
  • Except you and your bloody diet
  • I’ve a pain in me hoop with bloody dieting
  • Does this mean you’re…sorry WE’RE ditching the diet?
  • Yeah. I never really stuck to it anyway Jimmy…and don’t mention the Big Mac!
  • I wasn’t going to say anything, I’m just delighted you’ve come to your senses at last
  • This doesn’t mean we’ll be eating shite all the time now Jimmy. We’re also lucky to be reasonably healthy, and I want to keep it that way. You only live once and life is too short to be miserable
  • And you’ve been miserable for weeks Bernie
  • So have you!
  • Only because of the rabbit food you were making me eat
  • No more rabbit food
  • Deadly; but you’re right, we are lucky, we have more than a lot of people
  • And we have each other ….big arses and all…
  • Here you, speak for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with my arse
  • I’m sure I’ll see worse tomorrow
  • I haven’t a scoobie what your on about Ber
  • My new class…with Julie. Do you be even listening to me Jimmy?
  • I’m too hungry Ber. Here, I’ll make us a fry up to celebrate the end of the diet. I’d eat a cows arse through a hedge at this moment
  • Maybe just a few rashers for me Jimmy
  • No sausage?
  • Ah go on so,  sure I can work it off, but use the grill… no more fry ups Jimmy
  • I knew it was too good to be true…

 

Only-Live-Once-537x318

Weight not want not #AprilAtoZChallenge

W

  • Where are you off to today Bernie?
  • Shopping with Julie
  • Again?I predict the smell the credit card melting
  • I’m not buying anything; we’re just looking
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m buying nothing until I lose weight
  • You must have lost some weight by now.
  • Don’t start with me Jimmy
  • You’re the one eating sneaky rasher sambos and big Macs
  • ONE rasher sandwich, and ONE big Mac, Jesus make me feel guilty why don’t you
  • You’re the one complaining about not losing weight, and I’m sick of this diet. How long are you…sorry WE on it
  • Too bleedin’ long, and anyway, don’t be getting all judgemental with me, I know you’ve been down eating dinners in your mas, then coming back here for your salad
  • A man can’t survive on lettuce alone
  • Well I’m expected to
  • Well you’re obviously wasting your time
  • Thanks very much for the vote of confidence
  • Anyway, you don’t need to lose weight
  • Nothing fits me Jimmy. I feel huge
  • You’re not huge
  • All of my clothes are tight on me
  • So buy bigger clothes…or stop with the sneaky rasher sambos
  • Are you looking for a slap in the head?
  • What?
  • I don’t want to buy bigger clothes. I want to fit into the ones I have
  • They look fine on you
  • They do not! They make me look like an elephant…and if you mention that rasher sandwich again I swear I’ll swing for you
  • It’s all in your mind Bernie, you look the same as you always do
  • So you’re saying I always look fat?
  • You don’t look fat
  • You see me everyday, so you don’t notice
  • I notice that you’re grand just the way you are

I don’t know whether to hit him or hug him!

😡😡😡

Quark and Quinoa

Q

  • BERNIE!
  • WHAT?
  • WHAT’S THIS WHITE STUFF ON MY PLATE
  • QUARK
  • WHAT?
  • QUARK
  • WHY ARE YOU MAKING DUCK NOISES?
  • WHAT?
  • WILL YOU JUST COME IN TO THE KITCHEN
  • What?
  • What’s this white stuff on my plate?
  • Quark, I told you
  • Ducks quack
  • QUARK … it’s a cheese Jimmy
  • Why didn’t you just say cheese? And what’s this shit?
  • Quinoa
  • What the fuck is that when it’s at home?
  • It’s like a grain
  • What am I? A duck?
  • QUARK!!
  • You’re losing the plot Bernie

duck.0

Ah lads it’s Friday…I need a laugh!

 

Calories

C 2018

  • Are you having a fry up Bernie?
  • Are you having a laugh Jimmy?
  • Why?
  • You know I’m on a diet
  • Don’t be ridiculous
  • Thanks for your support Jimmy
  • You don’t need to lose weight. You’re grand as you are
  • I’m not having a fry
  • A bleedin’ sausage isn’t going to kill you Bernie
  • Maybe if  you grill it
  • Grill my arse Bernie. I have the pan on. It’s fried or nothing
  • They do smell nice, and I am starving… and there’s probably not that many calories in one sausage… and…
  • Jaysis Bernie, are you having breakfast or not
  • Go on so Jimmy, seeing as you never cook, I’d feel bad if I didn’t
  • I’m not twisting your arm here am I?
  • Fuck it, throw on a rasher for me  as well
  • Right y’are Bernie
  • Sure I’ll have a salad for me tea
  • Lovely
  • I’ll butter the bread will I? One slice won’t kill me
  • Indeed it won’t.

smiling sausage

I don’t know if that sausage is disappointed or amused  :p

Big bum #AtoZChallenge

B 2018

I’ve a pain in my arse (‘scuse the pun) looking for something to wear that doesn’t make me look like Miss Piggy after a five course meal…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • Ah jaysis Bernie, not that old chestnut again
  • Well does it?
  • No
  • Liar
  • Yes then
  • Seriously?
  • Jaysis I don’t know Bernie
  • Is it big or not? simple question Jimmy
  • How big is big?
  • Fuck off; is it that big?
  • I never said that Bernie
  • You implied it
  • I implied nothing. Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Define grand
  • It’s in proportion to your body
  • You’re saying it’s massive so
  • No I’m not
  • But I’ve put on a stone in weight since Christmas, so if my arse is in proportion to my body then it must be huge
  • Maybe you didn’t put as much weight on your arse as you did on the rest of your body
  • Are you saying I’m fat everywhere else then?
  • No
  • Why did you say that then?
  • I was trying to make you feel better
  • By saying I’m a fat bitch?
  • I never… Oh I give up Bernie

Why do I even ask him?????

 

bum