Ok so I’m cheating a bit, but as you know I’ve been way behind my AtoZ this month. It’s not everyday that I have a conversation to relay to you, and today is one of those days so I’m lumping XY and Z in together. I only found out recently that XYZ is slang for eXamine Your Zipper, to let someone know their fly is open, and it brought to mind one of Jimmy’s many rude jokes. If you’re easily offended, please stop reading now…if you like a bit of dirt, carry on. But remember it’s not my joke, but it is the end of my #AprilAtoZblogging challenge.
Paddy and Mick fancy a few pints but it’s a few days to payday and they only have one euro between them, so, hatching what they think is a brilliant plan, they go to the butchers and spend it on a large sausage. They go into the first pub and order a pint each and two whiskey chasers. They down the pints and whiskey , then Paddy opens his fly and sticks the sausage in. Mick gets down on his knees and puts the sausage in his mouth. the barman goes berserk and throws them out, forgetting they haven’t paid for their drinks yet. They continue with this in several more pubs, getting drunker and drunker on all of the free drink. After about the tenth pub Mick says ‘Paddy, I don’t know how long more I can do this, I’m pissed as a fart and me knees are killin’ me’. ‘How do you think I feel?’ says Paddy ‘Sure I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in’.
Jimmy thinks this is hilarious, and it’s a lot cleaner than some of his other jokes. I hope no one is too offended 😉
I told you before that Maisie thinks she can say what she likes, and she usually does. Now that she’s in hospital, she’s even worse than ever before. Me auntie Lil (Ma’s sister in law, who she cant stand) popped in to visit her the other evening. We all know that auntie Lil would talk about herself as long as anyone would listen to her, but Maisie really wasn’t in the mood for her that day.
- Maisie, Its great to see you looking so well.
- I’m in hospital Lil, how could I be looking well?
- When I was in hospital…
- I don’t want to hear it Lil.
- I was just trying to make conversation.
- That’s not conversation, that’s telling me all about your kidney stones.
- I thought you’d be interested.
- I was, the first twenty times you told me.
- Always the exaggerator Margaret.
- Whatever, LILIAN, so come on, have you any other news?…and don’t talk about yourself when you’re here; sure we’ll do that when you leave.
Auntie Lil didn’t stay long, and I’ll be very surprised if she comes back.
I remember when we were only newlyweds, I got chatting in the pub to a neighbour who used to live beside me ma. He was as old as Maisie. (probably about fifty five at the time)
- Hiya Brian, how are you?
- There y’are Bernie, I’m grand, all things considering.
- How’s Mary?
- Still alive. She’s over there in the corner waiting for her drink.
- So, what has you out of a Tuesday night then?
- It’s our wedding anniversary.
- So why are you looking so unhappy then?
- I told you; she’s still alive.
- Get away out of that Brian,How many years are you married?
- Too many.
- Ah stop, you’re an awful messer. I bet you’ve been happily married for longer than me and Jimmy.
- Happily married, Bernie? there’s no such thing. You’re either happy or you’re married; you can’t be both.
I must admit when I saw the frosty face on Mary sitting in the corner, I knew what he meant. God love him, me ma said she was an awful moan bag. I never found out how many years they were married. He ran off with Lydia around the corner six months later. Maisie said she was only surprised he’d stayed so long.
How many of you are as happily married as Mary and Brian?
Some days you just have to try to keep your mouth shut, especially with Maisie
- Have you seen my mobile phone Bernie?
- No ma.
- I can never find the bloody thing.
- You should keep in in your pocket ma.It’s called a mobile for a reason you know. It’s so you can bring it with you wherever you go.
- Sure nobody ever rings me anyway.
- Why do you have one then?
- You never know.
- Why don’t you just get rid of it?
- Why should I?
- It’s just another unnecessary bill ma.
- Well you’re not paying for it are you?
- But you never use it.
- It’s handy for emergencies.
- Like what?
- Like when I’m out and I need to contact someone.
- When do you go out anymore these days?
- I was out last week.
- At the hospital
- You left your phone at home.
- I knew you had yours with you.
- So why bother having one then?
- I don’t need to explain myself to you or anyone.
- I’m just saying, it’s a waste of money.
- My money, so mind your own business Bernie.
- Right I will. I’m off out to the shops.
- How long will you be?
- I don’t know.
- What if I need you.
- Ring me on your mobile.
- Go on, I wont need you. I’ll be grand.
- Grand so.
- See you later ma.
- I’ll keep me phone beside me.
- I thought you couldn’t find it.
- It was in me pocket.
- So, if you want to ring me…
- I have your number.
- …and I have yours Bernie
- I’m sure you have ma. I’ll ring you from the shops, in case you think of anything you want.
- Thanks Bernie.
- See you later ma.
- Oh Bernie.
- Will you top up me phone credit while you’re there.
Jimmy and Whitney always arguing over something…
- Do you want to lose your job?
- Why would I lose me job?
- Going into work dressed like that?
- Like what?
- Like a stripper.
- Jesus da, thanks for that.
- Well, that skirt is half way up your backside.
- Hardly, da.
- Could you not wear something more suitable?
- Hang on ’til I iron me burka.
- No need to be snotty, I’m only making an observation here.
- I’m not going to lose me job just because I wear a short skirt da.
- It looks more like a belt to me.
- I’m going to work, da.
- Well at least put a coat on for walking to the bus stop, its a bit nippy out.
- It’s 22 degrees.
- It’s cold in the shade.
- Bye da…
He’s turning into a right old codger, lol.
Me and Jimmy went away for a few days over the Easter break. I’d been up to me eyes with me ma and work and the whole lot. I warned my lot not to be having any parties. ‘Not at all ma’ they said. ‘You go and enjoy yourself, everything will be cool here, you don’t need to worry about a thing.’
I must have been mad to believe them, the little feckers.
- So, Whitney, how many people were at this party?
- What party?
- The party I warned you not to have before I went away
- I don’t know what you’re talking about
- Do you not now?
- No, I mean, look at the gaf, it’s spotless.
- I know, lovely; even cleaner than before I went away…suspiciously clean actually
- So, you never clean the house
- I thought it would be a nice surprise for you when you got home
- Oh, it’s a surprise alright
- Well, what are you complaining about then? Oh I get it, I bet that old Biddy across the road told you
- Mrs. Tyler? Oh lovely, so I have her to face as well as everything else
- She’s a nosey cow
- Well, I haven’t see her…yet
- So, how did you know then?
- You forgot to get rid of all your recycling
- No I didn’t
- Yes you did
- I put it all in the green bin
- Exactly what
- Exactly where you shouldn’t put four vodka bottles,three Jameson bottles, at least forty Bacardi Breezer bottles, and I lost count of the Smirnoff Ice.
- I can’t believe you’ve been checking the bins
- Yes I have
- Who are you? Jessica Fletcher?
- Well, it will be more than ‘Murder She Wrote‘ you have to worry about if you don’t get rid of all that shite
- It’s not all mine
- I don’t give a fuck who owns it, get rid of it, and in future when I say no parties, I mean…NO PARTIES
- O.K O.K , jaysis
- …and get rid of that bag of cans at the back of the garage as well
- I told Koko to…
- Nothing. I’ll do it now
The sooner they all move out the better, I swear the older they get, the worse they get. At least when they were in nappies, you knew where they were and what they were up to…and you had less shite to clean up!