Me and Jimmy went away for a few days over the Easter break. I’d been up to me eyes with me ma and work and the whole lot. I warned my lot not to be having any parties. ‘Not at all ma’ they said. ‘You go and enjoy yourself, everything will be cool here, you don’t need to worry about a thing.’

I must have been mad to believe them, the little feckers.

• So, Whitney, how many people were at this party?
• What party?
• The party I warned you not to have before I went away
• I don’t know what you’re talking about
• Do you not now?
• No, I mean, look at the gaf, it’s spotless.
• I know, lovely; even cleaner than before I went away…suspiciously clean actually.
• So?
• So, you never clean the house
• I thought it would be a nice surprise for you when you got home.
• Oh, it’s a surprise alright
• Well, what are you complaining about then? Oh I get it, I bet that old Biddy across the road told you.
• Mrs. Tyler? Oh lovely, so I have her to face as well as everything else.
• She’s a nosey cow.
• Well, I haven’t see her…yet.
• So, how did you know then?
• You forgot to get rid of all your recycling.
• No I didn’t.
• Yes you did.
• I put it all in the green bin.
• Exactly.
• Exactly what.
• Exactly where you shouldn’t put four vodka bottles,three Jameson bottles, at least forty Bacardi Breezer bottles, and I lost count of the Smirnoff Ice.
• I can’t believe you’ve been checking the bins.
• Yes I have.
• Who are you? Jessica Fletcher?
• Well, it will be more than ‘Murder She Wrote‘ you have to worry about if you don’t get rid of all that shite.
• It’s not all mine.
• I don’t give a fuck who owns it, get rid of it, and in future when I say no parties, I mean…NO PARTIES.
• O.K O.K , jaysis.
• …and get rid of that bag of cans at the back of the garage as well.
• I told Koko to…
• What?
• Nothing. I’ll do it now.

The sooner they all move out the better, I swear the older they get, the worse they get. At least when they were in nappies, you knew where they were and what they were up to…and you had less shite to clean up!