Under Pressure #AtoZChallenge

U

  • Hey Ber
  • Hey Julie
  • What’s up with you? You’ve a face on you like a slapped arse
  • Don’t you start
  • What? I’m only joking
  • Well I’m sick of people passing comment
  • Like who?
  • Everyone
  • What are they saying?
  • That I’m a boring shite
  • Who said that? Cheeky fuckers
  • Tina
  • Ah don’t mind her, she’d hardly Mrs fun factory herself is she. When  did she say this?
  • The other night when I wouldn’t go to the pub
  • You wouldn’t go to the pub? Jaysis, that’s serious shit Ber
  • See you’re at it now!
  • Sorry Ber, I’m only buzzin’ with you
  • Tina said all I talk about is my weight
  • Well, to be fair Bernie…
  • Don’t you start
  • Jaysis, keep your knickers on
  • My big fat Bridget Jones knickers you mean?
  • Don’t exaggerate
  • I’m not exaggerating. I’m pissed off being fat
  • You are not fat, anyway haven’t you lost a few pounds?
  • Four
  • That’s brilliant.
  • Yeah it is isn’t it, but I had a rasher sandwich yesterday so I’d say they’re back on
  • Stop the lights, Bernie had a sandwich!
  • Fuck off Julie. I’m raging with myself
  • Did you enjoy it?
  • Yeah it was gorgeous, even nicer than the Big Mac
  • Well then it was worth it so…wait a minute..a Big Mac? When..
  • …Don’t even ask Julie; then there were all the Easter eggs remember?
  • Whatever Bernie. Look today is a new day so forget the rashers and big macs and chocolate and move on. You’re putting yourself under too much pressure, all for the sake of a few pounds
  • I’ve no willpower
  • You’re doing great but you do need to lighten up and stop counting the calories in every bloody thing you pick up
  • I can’t help it. Tina said I’m obsessed
  • You are a bit
  • I suppose I am, I nearly ate the head off her
  • Jesus, you must’ve been hungry
  • Starving

😩😩😩

 

eating

Pass remarkable pals#AtoZChallenge

P

 

You know the ‘friends’ that haven’t a bleedin’ clue but comment anyway!

  • You coming for a pint tonight Ber?
  • Not tonight Tina, I’m saving myself for the weekend
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m grand, just watching me weight
  • Are you still on about your weight?
  • What do you mean ‘STILL on about my weight’?
  • You’re obsessed Bernie
  • I am not
  • You are, all you talk about these days is food and calories
  • Well we can’t all be skinny Minnies
  • I said I’d diet with you
  • Stoppit will you…You’re not called Tiny Tina for nothing
  • I was trying to be supportive Bernie
  • You had a salad one day two weeks ago….whoop dee doo, go you!
  • …and I went to Slimming World with you
  • That went down well with you arriving in your size eight skinny jeans and belly top… way to go Tina
  • I can’t help being skinny
  • You can help by not flaunting it in a slimming world class. You thought it was hilarious.Don’t think I didn’t see you smirking when Marjorie got on the scales
  • I wasn’t smirking
  • I bet you went straight round to Melanies gaff to tell her about the fatties getting weighed
  • I was just being a friend
  • Yeah right…and I’m trying to lose weight
  • …and becoming a boring shite in the process
  • Excuse me?
  • There’s more to life than dieting and talking about calories Bernie
  • Oh and you’d know all about dieting wouldn’t you? Well, I won’t be able to bore you tonight will I? Seeing as I’m staying in
  • Don’t be like that Bernie
  • Like what? Boring? Fat?
  • Ah now you’re just being stupid. You just need to wear the right clothes and…
  • Fuck off Tina, and mind you don’t slip down a drain on your way to the pub
  • There’s no need to be rude Bernie
  • I haven’t even started Tina

fat girl

 

Jaysis, with friends like her, who needs chocolate

MCDonalds #AtoZChallenge

M

 

  • How’s the diet coming along?
  • Don’t mention diets to me. I’ve a pain in me swiss with diets
  • What one is it now?
  • Well, I’m meant to be on the keto one, but all I seem to do is eat eggs, fish,meat, chicken cheese and chocolate
  • Doesn’t sound too bad to me, and you love fish
  • Yeah, a smoked cod in batter, surrounded with chips, onion rings and curry sauce
  • Lovely
  • Well, I can’t have that, mine has to be steamed or boiled, no batter
  • Ooooh, sounds nasty
  • It is nasty, and I’m sick of chocolate
  • I’m sure you don’t have to eat the chocolate
  • I’d kill for a McDonalds
  • One won’t kill you I’m sure
  • Well, I am allowed some carbs…and burgers are meat… and I can ask for extra cheese on my Bic Mac
  • There ye go Bernie, problem solved
  • I might even treat meself to a McFlurry

This diet lark is not so bad after all 😉

Line Dancing #AtoZChallenge

L

Alice next door  goes to the community centre up the road five days a week.  She does loads of stuff like, chair aerobics, (don’t ask), Pilates, flower arranging and tai chi. I don’t know where she gets her energy from. Someone (Jimmy big mouth) told her I was trying to keep fit so she invited me along. I didn’t like to say no, she’s been very lonely since her pal  Doris passed away.

  • Are you ready Bernadette?
  • As I’ll ever be Alice. Oh are you driving? I thought we were going to walk
  • Ah sure won’t we get enough exercise down there , I’ll be too tired to walk back
  • So what’s on today ?
  • Line dancing
  • Line dancing?
  • Ah Alice, I don’t think so
  • Come on, it’s great. You’ll love it. Me and Doris go, sorry…we used to go every week
  • You must miss her something terrible
  • I do Bernadette, she was my best friend for over forty years. I still can’t believe she’s gone. This is my first class since she died
  • Awww Alice…
  • I didn’t like going on my own, but when Jimmy told me you’d love to go it gave me the boost I needed to get back.
  • That was very thoughtful of him alright (I’ll bleedin’ kill him)
  • It’s great exercise Bernie. It’ll do you the power of good
  • I’m not a big fan of country and western Alice, but sure I’ll give it a go
  • Good girl… and sure who doesn’t love Nathan Carter?
  • Who’s Nathan Carter?
  • Ah Bernie, you’re a gas ticket. ‘Who’s Nathan Carter?’ You crack me up sometimes

Two hours later…I’m sweating, I’m starving and had to listen to ‘Rock me mama like a wagon wheel’ at least half a dozen times. I swear I could eat a full packet of them now 😱😱😱

 

wagon wheel

Jumping jacks and sweaty backs #AtoZchallenge

J

  • Heya Maro
  • Hey Bernie.Where have you been? And what’s with the headband?You look like an extra from Fame
  • I was at the gym
  • You! Joined a gym? Seriously Bernie?
  • Well, not exactly joined
  • You either joined or you didn’t
  • Well,I went for a free trial, Just to see if I like it
  • And?
  • I didn’t like it
  • What didn’t you like?
  • They were all doing crunches and lifts and step aerobics, and kettle bell yokes
  • What did you think they’d be doing in a gym?
  • A bit of stretching, few jumping jacks, gentle aerobics
  • It’s a gym, not kindergarten playtime Bernie, and is there even such a thing as gentle aerobics?
  •  I gave the aerobics a miss, I wasn’t able.The sweat is dripping down me back and I only did a lap of the gym and ten minutes on the bike,
  • So, waste of a headband then
  • Not necessarily
  • Go on, tell me, what are you up to next?
  • You’ll have to wait and see Maro
  • Heaven help us

Itsy Bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini #AtoZchallenge

I

I went shopping today with Julie to take my mind off the diet but easier said than done…

  • So what are you buying today Ber?
  • I need a new swimsuit
  • Lets go over to Penneys so. Their bikinis are only a fiver. We can get one in every colour
  • I won’t be wearing a bikini this year Julie
  • Why not?
  • I’d clear the beach in five seconds flat if I wore one of them
  • Don’t exaggerate Bernie
  • I’m not exaggerating, anyway, I think I’m too old now for bikinis. I might look in Arnotts for a one piece
  • A one piece? You? Who are you? Your ma?
  • We’re not teenagers anymore Julie. We need to start covering up
  • Oh my god;you are your ma
  • Ask me hoop Julie
  • Come on…Arnotts it is so…
  • We’re only looking anyway
  • Look at this one Bernie. It’s like the ones we had when we went to Lloret de Maryellow bikini
  • That was 1980, and if I remember, ours didn’t cover as much as that Julie
  • Me da, lord rest him nearly had a conniption when he saw it going into me suitcase. ‘You’ll be arrested going out in that’ says he
  • We’d be arrested if we went out in that now Julie…and not for the same reasons.
  • Dental floss, he called it, but we thought were only gorgeous
  • We were gorgeous Julie. We hadn’t a pick on us back then
  • We’re not so bad now Bernie, towards some of the eyebecks we’ve seen on the beach
  • I suppose you’re right Julie, anyway, a few more weeks of starvation and we’ll fit into that no problem
  • That’s the spirit Bernie. Do you want to go in and try it on?
  • Let’s wait a while Julie, I’ve along way to go yet

 

At least I have something to motivate me now  😉

 

 

Health is wealth #AtoZChallenge

H

Day seven of my non diet and I’m afraid to stand on the scales. I went around to me mas to get away from all the Easter chocolate in my gaff…

  • A diet? A diet? You’re on a diet?
  • Don’t keep saying it ma
  • Why are you on a diet?
  • Just for the craic, why do you think?
  • You don’t need to lose weight Bernie
  • Me arse is the size of Galway Bay ma
  • Indeed it’s not, who told you that?
  • No one, I have a mirror
  • Well, you need to get a new mirror. Turn around and let me see
  • Can you not see it from there ma?
  • Wait until I put me glasses on
  • You don’t need glasses to see my arse
  • I think you’re just buying the wrong clothes Bernie
  • What do you mean?
  • The pockets on them jeans aren’t very flattering, they just draw your eye to the area
  • So you admit my arse looks huge
  • It’s not actually huge, but…
  • Jesus thanks ma
  • Look aren’t you healthy? That’s the main thing
  • Yeah, I feel great, you’ve made me feel soooooo much better ma
  • Your health is your wealth Bernie
  • I’d rather be healthy with a smaller arse
  • Don’t be silly Bernie, now go put the kettle on and I’ll open one of my Easter eggs.
  • Jaysis, is there no end to the bleedin’ Easter Eggs? Easter was a week ago and the eggs are everywhere, it’s like they’re following me
  • I thought you loved chocolate Bernie
  • Yeah I do ma, that’s the problem. I came here to get away from it. I thought yours would be all gone
  • Ah no, I still have eight left
  • Eight? Jaysis how many did you get?
  • Twelve. All the grand kids bought me one, and the gays bought me one, and Leonard bought me one, and….
  • Ok. Ok. I get the picture ma
  • Come on Bernie, a little bit won’t do you any harm
  • So everyone keeps saying, but try telling that to my backside ma

 

I’m not going near her again until all them eggs are eaten