It could happen to a Bishop

So, I went to court last week over me T.V. licence. I bet you all thought I was in Mountjoy prison by now didn’t you? Well, sorry about that but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch behind bars. Me and Julie went to the pub after we left the court. I got home about 8pm. Jimmy was going mad.

Where the hell were you until this hour Bernie?
I was in court, I told ye
That was at ten this morning. I thought they’d locked you up.
Oh ye of little faith Jimmy, oh yeeee of little faith
Well I couldn’t get you on your phone. I’ve been trying to ring you for hours
I left me phone at home in case I was sent to the Joy. I don’t trust them wardens. I was afraid it would go missing on me
So where was Julies phone then? I couldn’t get her either
Ah her battery went flat. Get’s a glass of water will ye Jimmy
So
So what?
So what happened in court? Jaysis Bernie, how many drinks did you have?
I only had a few vodkas
A few my arse, you’re bleedin’ buckled. What happened for Gods sake woman?
I presented my new t.v. licence, paid the fine and left
So where were you until now?… as if I need to ask
Me and Julie went for lunch and a few scoops to celebrate my freedom
What freedom? You weren’t even locked up Bernie
Well I could have been
But you weren’t
If I hadn’t paid the fine I would have
So what did the judge say?
He asked why I didn’t pay it in the first place and I said ‘I’m sorry your honour I was going to pay it on the Friday but we went to Paris and when I got home I forgot’ and he said ‘Isn’t it well for you going to Paris with no T.V. licence Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘I didn’t need a T.V. licence in Paris your honour’ and he said You should be on the stage Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Thanks your honour’ and then, he said, he said, then he said em…
Jasus, you can’t even finish a sentence Ber
Ha, finish a sentence, that’s gas Jimmy, you’re hilarious. Court…fine…prison…sentence
That judge was right… you should be on stage Bernie
Thanks love. Now where was I? oh ye,he asked me if I’d a nice time in Paris and I said ‘It was lovely your honour, then I got home to find a summons in the post, that sort of took a bit of the sparkle away’ and he said ‘Sorry for the inconvenience Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Ah your grand your honour, sure it could happen to a judge’ and he said ‘You mean a bishop Mrs. Violet. it could happen to a bishop’ and I said ‘I’m sure it could happen to a bishop too but I don’t suppose bishops have to worry about T.V. licences because they probably get theirs paid by the church collection money of a Sunday’… Get us a glass of water Jimmy will ye
Jaysis Bernie, you’re bleedin’ mad. You’re lucky he didn’t have you in contempt of court
You watch too much Judge Judy Jimmy
So what did he say then?
He asked me if I was in a position to pay the fine and I said ‘Well I am a bit financially embarrassed after Paris, you know what it’s like your honour but I did a few extra shifts at work last week and meself and Jimmy will be staying in for the next few Saturday nights so no bother, a fine is a fine and Bernie Rose Violet always pays what she owes’
Why did you tell him we were staying in of a Saturday night Bernie?
Because we are. Anyway, that bleedin’ telly has cost me a fortune so I’m staying in to watch it, and so are you
Ah here, I love me few pints with the lads of a Saturday
Well a couple of weeks won’t kill you
Say’s you, out of your box
You should be grateful your wife wasn’t banged up
You were never going to be banged up Bernie
You said earlier you thought I was in the Joy when you couldn’t get me on the phone
But I knew you weren’t really
I might have been only I think the judge liked me
What makes you think he liked you?
Well before I left he smiled at me and said ‘God bless your husband Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘God bless you too your honour’
Do you not think he was being a bit sarcastic Bernie?
I don’t give a shite what he was Jimmy as long as he banged his gavel and let me go home
Did he bang his gavel?
No I was going to ask him to but he looked a bit pissed off, so I just paid the clerk and left…are you getting me that glass of water Jimmy?
So you’ve been on the razz with Julie all this time
Yes I have. I still would be if Julie had her way but you know I’m not much of a day drinker Jimmy?
Looks like you gave it a good lash Bernie
It’s good to be a free woman Jimmy
Free? Jaysis, today cost us over two hundred euro Bernie…and that’s not including what you spent on drink. Free me bolix
It’s only money love and at least I don’t have a record
Unless it’s a record for being pissed
But I didn’t get banged up
Not yet anyway Bernie
Oooh Jimmy, I love it when you talk dirty
Ah jaysis Ber, get up to bed will ye, you’re bleedin’ locked
…but not locked up Jimmy. Not locked up
Go to bed, Ill bring your water up
Love you Jimmy…hic
Love you too ye dipso
Night night Jimmy