It could happen to a Bishop


So, I went to court last week over me T.V. licence. I bet you all thought I was in Mountjoy prison by now didn’t you? Well, sorry about that but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch behind bars. Me and Julie went to the pub after we left the court.  I got home about 8pm. Jimmy was going mad.

  • Where the hell were you until this hour Bernie?
  • I was in court, I told ye
  • That was at ten this morning. I thought they’d locked you up.
  • Oh ye of little faith Jimmy, oh yeeee of little faith
  • Well I couldn’t get you on your phone. I’ve been trying to ring you for hours
  • I left me phone at home in case I was sent to the Joy. I don’t trust them wardens. I was afraid it would go missing on me
  • So where was Julies phone then? I couldn’t get her either
  • Ah her battery went flat. Get’s a glass of water will ye Jimmy
  • So
  • So what?
  • So what happened in court? Jaysis Bernie, how many drinks did you have?
  • I only had a few vodkas
  • A few my arse, you’re bleedin’ buckled. What happened for Gods sake woman?
  • I presented my new t.v. licence, paid the fine and left
  • So where were you until now?… as if I need to ask
  • Me and Julie went for lunch and a few scoops to celebrate my freedom
  • What freedom? You weren’t even locked up Bernie
  • Well I could have been
  • But you weren’t
  • If I hadn’t paid the fine I would have
  • So what did the judge say?
  • He asked why I didn’t pay it in the first place and I said ‘I’m sorry your honour I was going to pay it on the Friday but we went to Paris and when I got home I forgot’ and he said ‘Isn’t it well for you going to Paris with no T.V. licence Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘I didn’t need a T.V. licence in Paris your honour’ and he said You should be on the stage Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Thanks your honour’ and then, he said, he said, then he said em…
  • Jasus, you can’t even finish a sentence Ber
  • Ha, finish a sentence, that’s gas Jimmy, you’re hilarious. Court…fine…prison…sentence
  • That judge was right… you should be on stage Bernie
  • Thanks love. Now where was I? oh ye,he asked me if I’d a nice time in Paris and I said ‘It was lovely your honour, then I got home to find a summons in the post, that sort of took a bit of the sparkle away’ and he said ‘Sorry for the inconvenience Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Ah your grand your honour, sure it could happen to a judge’ and he said ‘You mean a bishop Mrs. Violet. it could happen to a bishop’ and I said ‘I’m sure it could happen to a bishop too but I don’t suppose bishops have to worry about T.V. licences because they probably get theirs paid by the church collection money of a Sunday’… Get us a glass of water Jimmy will ye
  • Jaysis Bernie, you’re bleedin’ mad. You’re lucky he didn’t have you in contempt of court
  • You watch too much Judge Judy Jimmy
  • So what did he say then?
  • He asked me if I was in a position to pay the fine and I said ‘Well I am a bit financially embarrassed after Paris, you know what it’s like your honour but I did a few extra shifts at work last week and meself and Jimmy will be staying in for the next few Saturday nights so no bother, a fine is a fine and Bernie Rose Violet always pays  what she owes’
  • Why did you tell him we were staying in  of a Saturday night Bernie?
  • Because we are. Anyway, that bleedin’ telly has cost me a fortune so I’m staying in to watch it, and so are you
  • Ah here, I love me few pints with the lads of a Saturday
  • Well a couple of weeks won’t kill you
  • Say’s you, out of your box
  • You should be grateful your wife wasn’t banged up
  • You were never going to be banged up Bernie
  • You said earlier you thought I was in the Joy when you couldn’t get me on the phone
  • But I knew you weren’t really
  • I might have been only I think the judge liked me
  • What makes you think he liked you?
  • Well before I left he smiled at me and said ‘God bless your husband Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘God bless you too your honour’
  • Do you not think he was being a bit sarcastic Bernie?
  • I don’t give a shite what he was Jimmy as long as he banged his gavel and let me go home
  • Did he bang his gavel?
  • No I was going to ask him to but he looked a bit pissed off, so I just paid the clerk and left…are you getting me that glass of water Jimmy?
  • So you’ve been on the razz with Julie all this time
  • Yes I have. I still would be if Julie had her way but you know I’m not much of a day drinker Jimmy?
  • Looks like you gave it a good lash Bernie
  • It’s good to be a free woman Jimmy
  • Free?  Jaysis, today cost us over two hundred euro Bernie…and that’s not including what you spent on drink. Free  me bolix
  • It’s only money love and at least I don’t have a record
  • Unless it’s a record for being pissed
  • But I didn’t get banged up
  • Not yet anyway Bernie
  • Oooh Jimmy, I love it when you talk dirty
  • Ah jaysis Ber, get up to bed will ye, you’re bleedin’ locked
  • …but not locked up Jimmy. Not locked up
  • Go to bed, Ill bring your water up
  • Love you Jimmy…hic
  • Love you too ye dipso
  • Night night Jimmy

So what’s on telly this weekend then?  🙂

8 thoughts on “It could happen to a Bishop

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s