It could happen to a Bishop

judge

So, I went to court last week over me T.V. licence. I bet you all thought I was in Mountjoy prison by now didn’t you? Well, sorry about that but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch behind bars. Me and Julie went to the pub after we left the court.  I got home about 8pm. Jimmy was going mad.

  • Where the hell were you until this hour Bernie?
  • I was in court, I told ye
  • That was at ten this morning. I thought they’d locked you up.
  • Oh ye of little faith Jimmy, oh yeeee of little faith
  • Well I couldn’t get you on your phone. I’ve been trying to ring you for hours
  • I left me phone at home in case I was sent to the Joy. I don’t trust them wardens. I was afraid it would go missing on me
  • So where was Julies phone then? I couldn’t get her either
  • Ah her battery went flat. Get’s a glass of water will ye Jimmy
  • So
  • So what?
  • So what happened in court? Jaysis Bernie, how many drinks did you have?
  • I only had a few vodkas
  • A few my arse, you’re bleedin’ buckled. What happened for Gods sake woman?
  • I presented my new t.v. licence, paid the fine and left
  • So where were you until now?… as if I need to ask
  • Me and Julie went for lunch and a few scoops to celebrate my freedom
  • What freedom? You weren’t even locked up Bernie
  • Well I could have been
  • But you weren’t
  • If I hadn’t paid the fine I would have
  • So what did the judge say?
  • He asked why I didn’t pay it in the first place and I said ‘I’m sorry your honour I was going to pay it on the Friday but we went to Paris and when I got home I forgot’ and he said ‘Isn’t it well for you going to Paris with no T.V. licence Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘I didn’t need a T.V. licence in Paris your honour’ and he said You should be on the stage Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Thanks your honour’ and then, he said, he said, then he said em…
  • Jasus, you can’t even finish a sentence Ber
  • Ha, finish a sentence, that’s gas Jimmy, you’re hilarious. Court…fine…prison…sentence
  • That judge was right… you should be on stage Bernie
  • Thanks love. Now where was I? oh ye,he asked me if I’d a nice time in Paris and I said ‘It was lovely your honour, then I got home to find a summons in the post, that sort of took a bit of the sparkle away’ and he said ‘Sorry for the inconvenience Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Ah your grand your honour, sure it could happen to a judge’ and he said ‘You mean a bishop Mrs. Violet. it could happen to a bishop’ and I said ‘I’m sure it could happen to a bishop too but I don’t suppose bishops have to worry about T.V. licences because they probably get theirs paid by the church collection money of a Sunday’… Get us a glass of water Jimmy will ye
  • Jaysis Bernie, you’re bleedin’ mad. You’re lucky he didn’t have you in contempt of court
  • You watch too much Judge Judy Jimmy
  • So what did he say then?
  • He asked me if I was in a position to pay the fine and I said ‘Well I am a bit financially embarrassed after Paris, you know what it’s like your honour but I did a few extra shifts at work last week and meself and Jimmy will be staying in for the next few Saturday nights so no bother, a fine is a fine and Bernie Rose Violet always pays  what she owes’
  • Why did you tell him we were staying in  of a Saturday night Bernie?
  • Because we are. Anyway, that bleedin’ telly has cost me a fortune so I’m staying in to watch it, and so are you
  • Ah here, I love me few pints with the lads of a Saturday
  • Well a couple of weeks won’t kill you
  • Say’s you, out of your box
  • You should be grateful your wife wasn’t banged up
  • You were never going to be banged up Bernie
  • You said earlier you thought I was in the Joy when you couldn’t get me on the phone
  • But I knew you weren’t really
  • I might have been only I think the judge liked me
  • What makes you think he liked you?
  • Well before I left he smiled at me and said ‘God bless your husband Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘God bless you too your honour’
  • Do you not think he was being a bit sarcastic Bernie?
  • I don’t give a shite what he was Jimmy as long as he banged his gavel and let me go home
  • Did he bang his gavel?
  • No I was going to ask him to but he looked a bit pissed off, so I just paid the clerk and left…are you getting me that glass of water Jimmy?
  • So you’ve been on the razz with Julie all this time
  • Yes I have. I still would be if Julie had her way but you know I’m not much of a day drinker Jimmy?
  • Looks like you gave it a good lash Bernie
  • It’s good to be a free woman Jimmy
  • Free?  Jaysis, today cost us over two hundred euro Bernie…and that’s not including what you spent on drink. Free  me bolix
  • It’s only money love and at least I don’t have a record
  • Unless it’s a record for being pissed
  • But I didn’t get banged up
  • Not yet anyway Bernie
  • Oooh Jimmy, I love it when you talk dirty
  • Ah jaysis Ber, get up to bed will ye, you’re bleedin’ locked
  • …but not locked up Jimmy. Not locked up
  • Go to bed, Ill bring your water up
  • Love you Jimmy…hic
  • Love you too ye dipso
  • Night night Jimmy

So what’s on telly this weekend then?  🙂

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Somebody’s Bitch

behind bars

I got a summons in the post. I’m up in court next week. I’m mortified. I’ve never been in court in me life. Julie thinks it’s bleedin’ hilarious…

  • Ah Berno, trust you
  • It’s not funny Julie. What about my good name?
  • For fuck sake Bernie, it’s only for a t.v. licence
  • It doesn’t matter. I’ll never live it down
  • Why didn’t you pay it?
  • I thought I did, then I got a reminder before we went to Paris and when we got back I forgot, then I got a fine and I forgot to pay that
  • The price you have to pay for continental travel Berno
  • What if they lock me up
  • They won’t lock you up
  • They might
  • They won’t, I’m tellin’ ye
  • I remember reading about some old dear who got locked up for not paying her licence fee
  • They can’t lock you up for no licence.
  • Really? Oh thank God for that
  • No, they only lock you up if you don’t pay the court fine
  • Ah fuck off Julie. I didn’t pay the fine. That’s the problem
  • Ye big eejit Bernie.
  • Just as well I look good in orange
  • What do you mean?
  • Orange is the new black …I’m gonna be banged up Jules. I’ll never survive
  • Stoppit will ye. It’s not bleedin’ death row in Folsom prison. You watch too much T.V.
  • Oh stop. It will be like ‘Bad Girls’. I could be somebody’s bitch by Friday night
  • Will you calm down. You’ll be nobody’s bitch but mine at the Karaoke on Friday night
  • I wonder will they cuff me
  • I’m sure if you ask nicely they will..haha. Watch out Jimmy, I hear some of them prison guards are ‘fine’ things … excuse the pun Bernie
  • Ah Jules, you’re not helping. I’m bricking it. What’s gonna happen to me?
  • Relax will ye. They’ll just bring you to ‘The Joy’, put you in holding cell for a few hours and then they let you go.
  • What’s the point of that?
  • There’s no bleedin’ point Bernie. They just love to waste police time and tax payers money locking up innocent women instead of real criminals.
  • How come you know so much about it?
  • It happened some girl from Donegal. I read about it in the paper. Remember I told you about it
  • The one they brought down in a taxi?
  • Yeah, the taxi fare was dearer than the bleedin’ fine. Sure she had a day out in Dublin, and her lunch thrown in aswell.
  • I’m sure she’d rather have spent a day in Dublin doing something nicer than sitting in The Dochas Centre in Mountjoy Julie
  • Ah yeah God love her, it must have been an awful ordeal
  • Have you got a T.V. licence Julie?
  • Of course I have. I’m not that stupid Berno
  • Jaysis thanks pal
  • See you in court Bernie
  • Yes you will, ‘cos you’re coming with me
  • Should I bring a cake with a file in it?
  • Very funny
  • O.K. I’ll wait ’til visiting day then
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious Julie

If you don’t hear from me next week, you’ll know I’m a banged up broad   😦