Violets are blue

V (1)

  • What has you in the blues Bernie?
  • How d’ye mean Jimmy?
  • You’ve a face like a slapped arse all day
  • It’s this weekend at the health farm.I’m dreadin’ the thoughts of it
  • I thought you were lookin’ forward to it
  • I was with Julie, but not with them two
  • Ah they’re not that bad
  • You go with them then
  • On a girls weekend? to a Spa? Leave it out will ye Bernie
  • You leave it out
  • Anyway I’ll be in Paris
  • Rub it in why don’t ye Jimmy
  • Ah you’ll have a great time, wait ’til ye see. You and Ger will be bezzies by de time ye come home
  • I’m warnin’ you Jimmy
  • Stranger things have happened Ber
  • Strange things will happen to you if ye don’t shurrup
  • Just tell her you’re not goin’. No point gettin’ down in the dumps over it
  • I don’t want to be rude
  • Doesn’t stop you with me
  • I don’t want her to know I don’t want to go with her
  • But you don’t
  • I know, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings
  • She’ll have Petrocelli with her, she’ll be grand
  • Her name is Patchoulli
  • Where does she come up with the names? What’s the other one called?
  • Willow
  • Jaysis
  • Is she still living in Galway?
  • Who?
  • Willow
  • No, she’s home. Actually Ray said she was hopin’ to go to the Spa with you lot but it’s completely booked up
  • Really?
  • You look very happy all of a sudden
  • I am happy. Thanks Jimmy
  • For what?
  • You might have just solved my problem
  • Did I?

 

winking-smiley-face-clip-art-clipart-panda-free-images-161851

 

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Lyon Eyes

L (1)

  • Don’t you  be gettin’ rat arsed every night when you’re in Paris Jimmy
  • We’re not only  goin’ to Paris. We’ll be goin’ to Bordeaux, Nice,Toulouse..
  • Footloose in Toulouse, you’d better behave yerself James Violet
  • I always behave meself…and anyway what happens in Lyon, stays in Lyon
  • Have you somethin’ to hide Jimmy?
  • Like you and your mates last month in Liverpool ?
  • We had a very quiet weekend
  • I saw de photos Bernie
  • Where?
  • Kylie showed me on Facebook
  • She’s such a rat. Wait ’til I see her.
  • With male strippers and pole dancing?
  • That was for her friends hens party, nothin’ to do with me
  • Right, whatever you say love
  • Do I look like I’d be bothered with strippers?
  • I’m sayin’ nothin’
  • Good
  • Scarleh for ye Ber
  • Fuck off to Paris will ye Jimmy
  • You can’t hide your Lyon eyes

Men!

 

 

 

Jimmy Riddle

J (1)

  • Have ye seen me passport Bernie?
  • Yeah
  • Where is it
  • I dunno
  • Ye just said ye seen it
  • I did, loads of times, awful lookin’ photo too Jimmy
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious Ber
  • What d’ye want it for?
  • I’m bookin’ me tickets to Paris
  • I still can’t believe you’re goin’ to Paris without me
  • It’s for de football Ber
  • But Paris is our place Jimmy
  • It’s the Euros Ber, and anyway, you hate football
  • I could’ve gone shoppin’ while you were at the matches
  • Would you feck off Bernie
  • Ah I’m only messin’ with ye Jimmy
  • Anyway you’ll be at your Spa
  • Health farm Jimmy
  • Whatever. Seriously Ber, have ye no idea where me passport  is?
  • I haven’t a breeze Jimmy
  •  I’ve searched the house and can’t find it. It’s a mystery Ber
  • Would ye not call it a Jimmy Riddle love?
  • Dat’s slang for a piddle Bernie
  • Well, you’ll be wettin’yerself if ye don’t find it
  • I’ll have to apply for an emergency one Ber
  • …ah sure you can always come  with me and Julie and Ger
  • Feck off. I’m not goin’ to a Spa with a gang of women
  • It’s a bleedin’ health farm and we wouldn’t want ye inannyway. Ye can stay at home on yer own for all I care
  • Dat’s harsh Bernie. Ye know I can’t miss de Euros
  • Calm down will ye for fuck sake. Come on, I’ll help ye look for de bleedin’ passport

He’s worse than a child sometimes!

irishpassport

Gettaway

G (1)

 

  • Have you any plans for May Bernie?
  • May who?
  • The month of May ye dope
  • I don’t know what I’m doin’ tomorrow Julie, never mind May
  • So you’ve no holliers booked?
  • No, why?
  • Well ye have now girl
  • What?
  • You’re coming for a spa weekend
  • Since when?
  • Since we need a little gettaway
  • We do Jules. We really do. De kids are gettin’ on me nerves
  • Ders a catch tho’ Ber
  • What kind of a catch?
  • Ger’s comin’ with us
  • Ger ? Anto’s Ger?
  • The very one
  • Ah no, fuck off Julie. I’m not spendin’ the weekend with that hippy dippy yoke
  • She’s not that bad Bernie
  • Why would ye want to spend the weekend with veggie vagina anyway?
  • Ah stoppit, you’re  awful Bernie
  • She’s a pain in de hole Jules
  • It’s for Anto
  • What d’ye mean?
  • He wants to go to Paris for the Euros with Ray and Jimmy
  • What’s that got to do with us?
  • He doesn’t want to leave Ger home alone
  • What is she Macaulay Culkin all of a sudden?
  • Don’t be mean Bernie
  • Can she not go with her sister, or her Pilates pals?
  • He’s booking it as a surprise for her. He wants us to get to know her better
  • I know her enough already
  • Ah come on Ber. We’ll have de craic
  • But I was going to book a few days in Benidorm while they were away Julie
  • But you said you’d nothing planned
  • I forgot about the football didn’t I
  • Anto said he’ll pay for us for the weekend at a luxury spa if we bring Ger with us
  • Did he now?
  • He did
  • Well, that’s a whole different story then. Fuck it, if Antos paying, sure we may as well
  • What about Benidorm?
  • Sure we can go there when we’re bodytastic after our Spa weekend
  • Good thinking ninety nine
  • I’m not just a pretty face Julie
  • D’ye think Ger might come to Benidorm with us
  • Don’t push it Julie…don’t bleedin’ push it

We’ll always have Paris

paris 1

Remember Paris Bernie?

I’ll never forget Jimmy.

It was a great weekend.

The best birthday ever.

Hard to believe what happened there on Friday night.

Unbelievable Jimmy.

The murderin’ bastards.

It’s not right Jimmy. The world is gone mad.

Stone mad Bernie. What’s got into them at all?

All those innocent people gunned down for no reason.

That could have been any of our kids at that concert or at that football match.

It could have been us enjoyin’ a quiet meal and a few scoops.

Shockin’ Bernie; Shockin’.

…and in the city of love too.

Remember the night we went on the bateau mouche?

I do,it was so romantic Jimmy, with the Eiffel tower lit up in the distance. It was the best night of my life.

Even better than the night we got married

Fuck off Jimmy, you fell asleep that night.

Did I? I cant remember.

I know, you were locked.

I remember the next morning tho’.

Shurrup Jimmy, I’m scarleh.

Paris tho’ Bernie. Paris was great. I didn’t fall asleep when we got to Paris.

I know you didn’t Jimmy. Sure you had me worn out.

With all the sight seeing Ber?

I saw some sights that weekend.

Ye can see them again Ber, any time.

I’d be afraid to go back to Paris just yet Jimmy.

Who’s talkin’ about goin’ back to Paris Ber?

Ye durty bugger.

Get away, ye love it.

Remember walkin’ down the Champs Élysées?

The long street from the Arch?

The Arc de Triomphe Jimmy.

That’s the one. I remember it well, me feet were in bits from all the walkin’.

Then we had a lovely meal in that posh restaurant, and drinks afterwards outside the pavement café.

Just think of all those innocent people out for a stroll and a drink last Friday Ber. They never knew what was comin’.

I still can’t believe it Jimmy. What’s the world come to when people can’t just enjoy a night out in peace?

There’s some fuckin’ loopers out there Bernie.

Fuckin’ head cases Jimmy.

God knows where they’ll hit next.

I’m scared to go anywhere, even into town to do me Christmas shopping.

It’s scary aright, when people can’t walk the streets for fear of being gunned down by these fuckers.

God bless all the innocent people of Paris.

…and the hundreds that were injured aswell.

Paris bu’ Jimmy. Paris was our city.

It still is Bernie

You’re right Jimmy

We’ll always have Paris Bernie

Je suis Paris.

champs-elysees

It could happen to a Bishop

judge

So, I went to court last week over me T.V. licence. I bet you all thought I was in Mountjoy prison by now didn’t you? Well, sorry about that but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch behind bars. Me and Julie went to the pub after we left the court.  I got home about 8pm. Jimmy was going mad.

  • Where the hell were you until this hour Bernie?
  • I was in court, I told ye
  • That was at ten this morning. I thought they’d locked you up.
  • Oh ye of little faith Jimmy, oh yeeee of little faith
  • Well I couldn’t get you on your phone. I’ve been trying to ring you for hours
  • I left me phone at home in case I was sent to the Joy. I don’t trust them wardens. I was afraid it would go missing on me
  • So where was Julies phone then? I couldn’t get her either
  • Ah her battery went flat. Get’s a glass of water will ye Jimmy
  • So
  • So what?
  • So what happened in court? Jaysis Bernie, how many drinks did you have?
  • I only had a few vodkas
  • A few my arse, you’re bleedin’ buckled. What happened for Gods sake woman?
  • I presented my new t.v. licence, paid the fine and left
  • So where were you until now?… as if I need to ask
  • Me and Julie went for lunch and a few scoops to celebrate my freedom
  • What freedom? You weren’t even locked up Bernie
  • Well I could have been
  • But you weren’t
  • If I hadn’t paid the fine I would have
  • So what did the judge say?
  • He asked why I didn’t pay it in the first place and I said ‘I’m sorry your honour I was going to pay it on the Friday but we went to Paris and when I got home I forgot’ and he said ‘Isn’t it well for you going to Paris with no T.V. licence Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘I didn’t need a T.V. licence in Paris your honour’ and he said You should be on the stage Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Thanks your honour’ and then, he said, he said, then he said em…
  • Jasus, you can’t even finish a sentence Ber
  • Ha, finish a sentence, that’s gas Jimmy, you’re hilarious. Court…fine…prison…sentence
  • That judge was right… you should be on stage Bernie
  • Thanks love. Now where was I? oh ye,he asked me if I’d a nice time in Paris and I said ‘It was lovely your honour, then I got home to find a summons in the post, that sort of took a bit of the sparkle away’ and he said ‘Sorry for the inconvenience Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Ah your grand your honour, sure it could happen to a judge’ and he said ‘You mean a bishop Mrs. Violet. it could happen to a bishop’ and I said ‘I’m sure it could happen to a bishop too but I don’t suppose bishops have to worry about T.V. licences because they probably get theirs paid by the church collection money of a Sunday’… Get us a glass of water Jimmy will ye
  • Jaysis Bernie, you’re bleedin’ mad. You’re lucky he didn’t have you in contempt of court
  • You watch too much Judge Judy Jimmy
  • So what did he say then?
  • He asked me if I was in a position to pay the fine and I said ‘Well I am a bit financially embarrassed after Paris, you know what it’s like your honour but I did a few extra shifts at work last week and meself and Jimmy will be staying in for the next few Saturday nights so no bother, a fine is a fine and Bernie Rose Violet always pays  what she owes’
  • Why did you tell him we were staying in  of a Saturday night Bernie?
  • Because we are. Anyway, that bleedin’ telly has cost me a fortune so I’m staying in to watch it, and so are you
  • Ah here, I love me few pints with the lads of a Saturday
  • Well a couple of weeks won’t kill you
  • Say’s you, out of your box
  • You should be grateful your wife wasn’t banged up
  • You were never going to be banged up Bernie
  • You said earlier you thought I was in the Joy when you couldn’t get me on the phone
  • But I knew you weren’t really
  • I might have been only I think the judge liked me
  • What makes you think he liked you?
  • Well before I left he smiled at me and said ‘God bless your husband Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘God bless you too your honour’
  • Do you not think he was being a bit sarcastic Bernie?
  • I don’t give a shite what he was Jimmy as long as he banged his gavel and let me go home
  • Did he bang his gavel?
  • No I was going to ask him to but he looked a bit pissed off, so I just paid the clerk and left…are you getting me that glass of water Jimmy?
  • So you’ve been on the razz with Julie all this time
  • Yes I have. I still would be if Julie had her way but you know I’m not much of a day drinker Jimmy?
  • Looks like you gave it a good lash Bernie
  • It’s good to be a free woman Jimmy
  • Free?  Jaysis, today cost us over two hundred euro Bernie…and that’s not including what you spent on drink. Free  me bolix
  • It’s only money love and at least I don’t have a record
  • Unless it’s a record for being pissed
  • But I didn’t get banged up
  • Not yet anyway Bernie
  • Oooh Jimmy, I love it when you talk dirty
  • Ah jaysis Ber, get up to bed will ye, you’re bleedin’ locked
  • …but not locked up Jimmy. Not locked up
  • Go to bed, Ill bring your water up
  • Love you Jimmy…hic
  • Love you too ye dipso
  • Night night Jimmy

So what’s on telly this weekend then?  🙂

Somebody’s Bitch

behind bars

I got a summons in the post. I’m up in court next week. I’m mortified. I’ve never been in court in me life. Julie thinks it’s bleedin’ hilarious…

  • Ah Berno, trust you
  • It’s not funny Julie. What about my good name?
  • For fuck sake Bernie, it’s only for a t.v. licence
  • It doesn’t matter. I’ll never live it down
  • Why didn’t you pay it?
  • I thought I did, then I got a reminder before we went to Paris and when we got back I forgot, then I got a fine and I forgot to pay that
  • The price you have to pay for continental travel Berno
  • What if they lock me up
  • They won’t lock you up
  • They might
  • They won’t, I’m tellin’ ye
  • I remember reading about some old dear who got locked up for not paying her licence fee
  • They can’t lock you up for no licence.
  • Really? Oh thank God for that
  • No, they only lock you up if you don’t pay the court fine
  • Ah fuck off Julie. I didn’t pay the fine. That’s the problem
  • Ye big eejit Bernie.
  • Just as well I look good in orange
  • What do you mean?
  • Orange is the new black …I’m gonna be banged up Jules. I’ll never survive
  • Stoppit will ye. It’s not bleedin’ death row in Folsom prison. You watch too much T.V.
  • Oh stop. It will be like ‘Bad Girls’. I could be somebody’s bitch by Friday night
  • Will you calm down. You’ll be nobody’s bitch but mine at the Karaoke on Friday night
  • I wonder will they cuff me
  • I’m sure if you ask nicely they will..haha. Watch out Jimmy, I hear some of them prison guards are ‘fine’ things … excuse the pun Bernie
  • Ah Jules, you’re not helping. I’m bricking it. What’s gonna happen to me?
  • Relax will ye. They’ll just bring you to ‘The Joy’, put you in holding cell for a few hours and then they let you go.
  • What’s the point of that?
  • There’s no bleedin’ point Bernie. They just love to waste police time and tax payers money locking up innocent women instead of real criminals.
  • How come you know so much about it?
  • It happened some girl from Donegal. I read about it in the paper. Remember I told you about it
  • The one they brought down in a taxi?
  • Yeah, the taxi fare was dearer than the bleedin’ fine. Sure she had a day out in Dublin, and her lunch thrown in aswell.
  • I’m sure she’d rather have spent a day in Dublin doing something nicer than sitting in The Dochas Centre in Mountjoy Julie
  • Ah yeah God love her, it must have been an awful ordeal
  • Have you got a T.V. licence Julie?
  • Of course I have. I’m not that stupid Berno
  • Jaysis thanks pal
  • See you in court Bernie
  • Yes you will, ‘cos you’re coming with me
  • Should I bring a cake with a file in it?
  • Very funny
  • O.K. I’ll wait ’til visiting day then
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious Julie

If you don’t hear from me next week, you’ll know I’m a banged up broad   😦