It could happen to a Bishop

judge

So, I went to court last week over me T.V. licence. I bet you all thought I was in Mountjoy prison by now didn’t you? Well, sorry about that but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch behind bars. Me and Julie went to the pub after we left the court.  I got home about 8pm. Jimmy was going mad.

  • Where the hell were you until this hour Bernie?
  • I was in court, I told ye
  • That was at ten this morning. I thought they’d locked you up.
  • Oh ye of little faith Jimmy, oh yeeee of little faith
  • Well I couldn’t get you on your phone. I’ve been trying to ring you for hours
  • I left me phone at home in case I was sent to the Joy. I don’t trust them wardens. I was afraid it would go missing on me
  • So where was Julies phone then? I couldn’t get her either
  • Ah her battery went flat. Get’s a glass of water will ye Jimmy
  • So
  • So what?
  • So what happened in court? Jaysis Bernie, how many drinks did you have?
  • I only had a few vodkas
  • A few my arse, you’re bleedin’ buckled. What happened for Gods sake woman?
  • I presented my new t.v. licence, paid the fine and left
  • So where were you until now?… as if I need to ask
  • Me and Julie went for lunch and a few scoops to celebrate my freedom
  • What freedom? You weren’t even locked up Bernie
  • Well I could have been
  • But you weren’t
  • If I hadn’t paid the fine I would have
  • So what did the judge say?
  • He asked why I didn’t pay it in the first place and I said ‘I’m sorry your honour I was going to pay it on the Friday but we went to Paris and when I got home I forgot’ and he said ‘Isn’t it well for you going to Paris with no T.V. licence Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘I didn’t need a T.V. licence in Paris your honour’ and he said You should be on the stage Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Thanks your honour’ and then, he said, he said, then he said em…
  • Jasus, you can’t even finish a sentence Ber
  • Ha, finish a sentence, that’s gas Jimmy, you’re hilarious. Court…fine…prison…sentence
  • That judge was right… you should be on stage Bernie
  • Thanks love. Now where was I? oh ye,he asked me if I’d a nice time in Paris and I said ‘It was lovely your honour, then I got home to find a summons in the post, that sort of took a bit of the sparkle away’ and he said ‘Sorry for the inconvenience Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Ah your grand your honour, sure it could happen to a judge’ and he said ‘You mean a bishop Mrs. Violet. it could happen to a bishop’ and I said ‘I’m sure it could happen to a bishop too but I don’t suppose bishops have to worry about T.V. licences because they probably get theirs paid by the church collection money of a Sunday’… Get us a glass of water Jimmy will ye
  • Jaysis Bernie, you’re bleedin’ mad. You’re lucky he didn’t have you in contempt of court
  • You watch too much Judge Judy Jimmy
  • So what did he say then?
  • He asked me if I was in a position to pay the fine and I said ‘Well I am a bit financially embarrassed after Paris, you know what it’s like your honour but I did a few extra shifts at work last week and meself and Jimmy will be staying in for the next few Saturday nights so no bother, a fine is a fine and Bernie Rose Violet always pays  what she owes’
  • Why did you tell him we were staying in  of a Saturday night Bernie?
  • Because we are. Anyway, that bleedin’ telly has cost me a fortune so I’m staying in to watch it, and so are you
  • Ah here, I love me few pints with the lads of a Saturday
  • Well a couple of weeks won’t kill you
  • Say’s you, out of your box
  • You should be grateful your wife wasn’t banged up
  • You were never going to be banged up Bernie
  • You said earlier you thought I was in the Joy when you couldn’t get me on the phone
  • But I knew you weren’t really
  • I might have been only I think the judge liked me
  • What makes you think he liked you?
  • Well before I left he smiled at me and said ‘God bless your husband Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘God bless you too your honour’
  • Do you not think he was being a bit sarcastic Bernie?
  • I don’t give a shite what he was Jimmy as long as he banged his gavel and let me go home
  • Did he bang his gavel?
  • No I was going to ask him to but he looked a bit pissed off, so I just paid the clerk and left…are you getting me that glass of water Jimmy?
  • So you’ve been on the razz with Julie all this time
  • Yes I have. I still would be if Julie had her way but you know I’m not much of a day drinker Jimmy?
  • Looks like you gave it a good lash Bernie
  • It’s good to be a free woman Jimmy
  • Free?  Jaysis, today cost us over two hundred euro Bernie…and that’s not including what you spent on drink. Free  me bolix
  • It’s only money love and at least I don’t have a record
  • Unless it’s a record for being pissed
  • But I didn’t get banged up
  • Not yet anyway Bernie
  • Oooh Jimmy, I love it when you talk dirty
  • Ah jaysis Ber, get up to bed will ye, you’re bleedin’ locked
  • …but not locked up Jimmy. Not locked up
  • Go to bed, Ill bring your water up
  • Love you Jimmy…hic
  • Love you too ye dipso
  • Night night Jimmy

So what’s on telly this weekend then?  🙂

Advertisements

Unemployed

U

Jimmy was out of work for six months. He nearly drove me fucking mad. He was everywhere. I got up in the morning and he was waiting for his breakfast. I came back from the shops he was sitting there watching Jeremy Kyle. I was cooking the dinner and he was hanging over me. Every time I walked into the kitchen he presumed I was making a cup of tea. If he hadn’t got a job when he did, I think I would have been done for murder. I came in from shopping one day…

  • Where were you?
  • I told you I was going to the shops
  • Did you?
  • Yeah,
  • I didn’t hear you
  • Jeremy Kyle obviously had more important things to say
  • No need for that Bernie
  • I don’t know how you watch that shite
  • It’s not shite; it’s real life
  • Real life me hole, they’re all skangers and bums on the dole looking for easy money while they make a show of themselves
  • I’m on the dole Bernie
  • I know you are but you’re not on Jeremy Kyle
  • Maybe I will some day
  • Well keep me out of it
  • I could tell him how me wife gives me an awful life
  • You could tell him how your wife ran off to the Bahamas because you were an annoying me
  • How do I annoy you?
  • Sitting on your hole all day watching telly, waiting for me to cook for you
  • I can’t help losing me job
  • Well you could do something other than watch telly
  • I go out sometimes
  • Yeah to the pub with Ray and Anto
  • What do you want me to do?
  • You could cut the grass
  • It’s raining out
  • It doesn’t rain everyday
  • Mostly it does though
  • You could paint that back bedroom
  • No one sleeps there anymore, it’s grand
  • I’d like it nice for when the kids come home or when we have visitors
  • We never have visitors, and when the kids come home they’re barely here
  • That’s not the point Jimmy
  • What’s the point then Bernie
  • The point is I want you to get up off your arse and do a few things around the house
  • I hovered the stairs for you
  • Once – a month ago
  • Well, I still did it
  • You could help me more
  • I will Bernie
  • I’ll believe it when I see it Jimmy
  • Come on, I’ll help you unpack the shopping
  • Thanks
  • Would you like a cup of tea love?
  • That would be lovely
  • Grand, make one for me too will ye
  • Fuck off
  • I’m only winding you up Ber
  • It’s what you do best Jimmy
  • You’ll miss me when I go back to work

Believe it or not… actually did!

Annoying Anto

A

Jimmy’s brother Anto can be a pain in the arse. I think he only calls over to my house to annoy me. His missus doesn’t let him watch telly or eat junk food. They don’t even own a telly. Imagine not owning a telly in this day and age. Geraldine is a very new age hippy type,into feng shui and auras and the like.She’s not a bit like his ex Breda. She didn’t give a shite what he did. Geraldine makes sure he does what he’s told at home.   He called over the other night…

  • Is Jimmy home?
  • No, he’s working late
  • What time will he be home?
  • I don’t know. I’ll tell him you called
  • I’ll wait for him
  • He could be hours
  • I don’t mind
  • Suit yourself
  • What are you watching?
  • Coronation Street
  • You still watch that shite?
  • I like it
  • Is Bet Lynch still in it?
  • How do you know Bet Lynch?
  • I remember her from watching it in me Mas
  • I thought you said it was shite
  • It is, but I had to watch it because me ma watched it. I’d no choice
  • Well same here Anto
  • What about Vera?
  • Vera who?
  • Jack’s wife who worked in the factory
  • Oh you mean Duckworth?
  • Yeah that’s her
  • She died
  • Really? How did Jack take it?
  • He died too
  • Aww, that’s terrible. I liked them
  • I thought you didn’t like it
  • Well I liked them, and Hilda Ogden
  • She left years ago
  • Yeah, me ma told me her husband died
  • He did yeah
  • Jasus, they’re dropping like flies in that programme
  • That’s soaps for ye Anto
  • Thank God for Deirdre Barlow what
  • She’s dead
  • Are you serious? Ken looks so happy there.
  • He doesn’t know yet
  • Why not?
  • Because this was filmed weeks ago. She was still alive then
  • I don’t get you
  • She died in real life Anthony, but she’s still alive in the programme
  • So where is she?
  • She’s away visiting her auntie
  • Blanche must be in bits
  • What?
  • Her ma, Blanche, they were very close
  • Blanche died two years ago Anto
  • Ah no way. Fuck off…not Blanche. She was gas
  • Not anymore, her dog is still alive though
  • It’s a dog’s life so
  • It is. I’ve missed half me programme now with you going on about dead people
  • The ads are on already?
  • Do you want to head off? I’ll tell Jimmy to call you
  • Ah no, I’m grand here. Sure I may as well wait for the second half
  • If you must
  • Are you making a cup of tea Bernie
  • I suppose so
  • Have you any biscuits?
  • I thought you weren’t allowed eat biscuits?
  • What Geraldine doesn’t know won’t hurt her
  • She must never get hurt so
  • What?
  • Nothing
  • Have you any custard creams?
  • No, just fig rolls
  • Aw, I fancied a custard cream but they’ll do I suppose
  • I’m sorry for you
  • Hurry up Bernie, the ads are over. You’re missing it

WP_20150327_008

Fuck off Anto!