Air Rage

 

plane in air

I’m just back from Benidorm. We had a fab time, but when I got on the plane all I wanted to do was sleep, I was so wrecked. This drinking and partying every night takes its toll you know.

Anyway, I was just settling down for a nice snooze after take off when the little brat behind me, starts kicking the back of my seat. I turned and gave him and his mother a dirty look but he continued kicking throughout the flight.

When the drinks trolley arrived, it stopped briefly as they put down their trays. He got a kids snack box with biscuits and hoola hoops and a can of coke, she got a vodka and a can of Heineken. She proceeded to pour the Heino into the glass of vodka and lowered it in one before pressing her buzzer to order another round. The child put his tray back in place and continued with his kicking marathon. the coke seemed to have given him more energy as the kicking became more fierce. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  • Are you going to control your child?
  • I beg your pardon?
  • Can you tell him to stop kicking my seat please
  • Stop kicking the ladies seat Benjamin, there’s a good boy
  • Thank you

He stopped kicking for two minutes, then started again

  • Your mammy told you to stop kicking my seat, did you not hear her?
  • Yeah
  • Well can you stop please
  • No
  • Excuse me?
  • I don’t want to
  • I don’t care what you want…just stop kicking my fucking seat
  • Don’t speak to my son like that
  • Tell your son to stop kicking my seat
  • I did
  • Tell him again!
  • Benjamin, the lady is in a bad mood so just take your feet away from the back of her seat, good boy
  • The lady is in a bad mood because your little brat wont stop kicking my seat
  • My son is not a brat
  • Yes he is, and if you can’t control him, I will
  • How dare you!
  • How dare you bring a child on a plane and let him do as he pleases while you drink yourself blind
  • I’ve had two drinks
  • You’ve had four, and a few more before you got on the plane by the look of you
  • …and you don’t drink?
  • Yes I do, I love a drink,but I don’t get wasted when I’ve me kids with me
  • I’m not wasted, don’t you dare judge me
  • I’m not judging, I’m making an observation
  • Mind your own bloody business
  • I’ll mind my own business when you control your fucking child
  • Don’t use that language in front of my son
  • Don’t be getting pissed in front of your son
  • I am not pissed
  • Well, continue ordering cans of Heino and vodka chasers at the rate you are and you will be
  • Mammy are you pissed?
  • No Benjamin, don’t mind the silly lady. Here swap seats with me
  • And if he wakes my husband up by kicking HIS seat, he won’t be as nice as me…ok love?

There wasn’t another peep out of him, but honestly…Some people shouldn’t be allowed travel with kids

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It could happen to a Bishop

judge

So, I went to court last week over me T.V. licence. I bet you all thought I was in Mountjoy prison by now didn’t you? Well, sorry about that but I wasn’t going to be anyone’s bitch behind bars. Me and Julie went to the pub after we left the court.  I got home about 8pm. Jimmy was going mad.

  • Where the hell were you until this hour Bernie?
  • I was in court, I told ye
  • That was at ten this morning. I thought they’d locked you up.
  • Oh ye of little faith Jimmy, oh yeeee of little faith
  • Well I couldn’t get you on your phone. I’ve been trying to ring you for hours
  • I left me phone at home in case I was sent to the Joy. I don’t trust them wardens. I was afraid it would go missing on me
  • So where was Julies phone then? I couldn’t get her either
  • Ah her battery went flat. Get’s a glass of water will ye Jimmy
  • So
  • So what?
  • So what happened in court? Jaysis Bernie, how many drinks did you have?
  • I only had a few vodkas
  • A few my arse, you’re bleedin’ buckled. What happened for Gods sake woman?
  • I presented my new t.v. licence, paid the fine and left
  • So where were you until now?… as if I need to ask
  • Me and Julie went for lunch and a few scoops to celebrate my freedom
  • What freedom? You weren’t even locked up Bernie
  • Well I could have been
  • But you weren’t
  • If I hadn’t paid the fine I would have
  • So what did the judge say?
  • He asked why I didn’t pay it in the first place and I said ‘I’m sorry your honour I was going to pay it on the Friday but we went to Paris and when I got home I forgot’ and he said ‘Isn’t it well for you going to Paris with no T.V. licence Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘I didn’t need a T.V. licence in Paris your honour’ and he said You should be on the stage Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Thanks your honour’ and then, he said, he said, then he said em…
  • Jasus, you can’t even finish a sentence Ber
  • Ha, finish a sentence, that’s gas Jimmy, you’re hilarious. Court…fine…prison…sentence
  • That judge was right… you should be on stage Bernie
  • Thanks love. Now where was I? oh ye,he asked me if I’d a nice time in Paris and I said ‘It was lovely your honour, then I got home to find a summons in the post, that sort of took a bit of the sparkle away’ and he said ‘Sorry for the inconvenience Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘Ah your grand your honour, sure it could happen to a judge’ and he said ‘You mean a bishop Mrs. Violet. it could happen to a bishop’ and I said ‘I’m sure it could happen to a bishop too but I don’t suppose bishops have to worry about T.V. licences because they probably get theirs paid by the church collection money of a Sunday’… Get us a glass of water Jimmy will ye
  • Jaysis Bernie, you’re bleedin’ mad. You’re lucky he didn’t have you in contempt of court
  • You watch too much Judge Judy Jimmy
  • So what did he say then?
  • He asked me if I was in a position to pay the fine and I said ‘Well I am a bit financially embarrassed after Paris, you know what it’s like your honour but I did a few extra shifts at work last week and meself and Jimmy will be staying in for the next few Saturday nights so no bother, a fine is a fine and Bernie Rose Violet always pays  what she owes’
  • Why did you tell him we were staying in  of a Saturday night Bernie?
  • Because we are. Anyway, that bleedin’ telly has cost me a fortune so I’m staying in to watch it, and so are you
  • Ah here, I love me few pints with the lads of a Saturday
  • Well a couple of weeks won’t kill you
  • Say’s you, out of your box
  • You should be grateful your wife wasn’t banged up
  • You were never going to be banged up Bernie
  • You said earlier you thought I was in the Joy when you couldn’t get me on the phone
  • But I knew you weren’t really
  • I might have been only I think the judge liked me
  • What makes you think he liked you?
  • Well before I left he smiled at me and said ‘God bless your husband Mrs. Violet’ and I said ‘God bless you too your honour’
  • Do you not think he was being a bit sarcastic Bernie?
  • I don’t give a shite what he was Jimmy as long as he banged his gavel and let me go home
  • Did he bang his gavel?
  • No I was going to ask him to but he looked a bit pissed off, so I just paid the clerk and left…are you getting me that glass of water Jimmy?
  • So you’ve been on the razz with Julie all this time
  • Yes I have. I still would be if Julie had her way but you know I’m not much of a day drinker Jimmy?
  • Looks like you gave it a good lash Bernie
  • It’s good to be a free woman Jimmy
  • Free?  Jaysis, today cost us over two hundred euro Bernie…and that’s not including what you spent on drink. Free  me bolix
  • It’s only money love and at least I don’t have a record
  • Unless it’s a record for being pissed
  • But I didn’t get banged up
  • Not yet anyway Bernie
  • Oooh Jimmy, I love it when you talk dirty
  • Ah jaysis Ber, get up to bed will ye, you’re bleedin’ locked
  • …but not locked up Jimmy. Not locked up
  • Go to bed, Ill bring your water up
  • Love you Jimmy…hic
  • Love you too ye dipso
  • Night night Jimmy

So what’s on telly this weekend then?  🙂

Weeble

W

I was just dozing of when the doorbell rang. Fuckin’ Jimmy went out without his key again and of course everyone else was conveniently be asleep so I had to get up…again, to let him in. I found him wobbling on the front step like a bleedin’ weeble

  • Have you no key?
  • I forgot it
  • You do this every time
  • What?
  • Wake me up when you come in pissed
  • I’m not pissed
  • And I’m not wearing pyjamas Get in will you, you’re like a bleedin’ weeble
  • What?
  • Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down
  • I never fall down
  • One of these days you will
  • Sorry Ber
  • I think you do it on purpose
  • I do not
  • I told you to bring your key when you were leaving
  • I thought it was in my pocket
  • Anyway, you said you’d be back in an hour
  • That was the plan Ber
  • That’s always the plan
  • I only had two pints and just as I was leaving…
  • …Mick came in and bought you a pint
  • No actually, Ray did
  • …and you had to buy one back for him
  • Well it’s only polite
  • …then he bought you another one
  • Well you know Ray, he never has enough
  • …and you couldn’t say no
  • It’s rude to refuse Bernie

guinness