#W is forWheelchair friendly #AtoZChallenge

  • I’m of to the bingo Jimmy
  • This early?It’s only half five
  • I’m collecting me ma
  • Maisie’s going to bingo? I thought she couldn’t walk
  • We got a loan of a wheelchair for her
  • Whacker Byrne has a wheelchair friendly bus now has he?
  • No,he’s bleedin’ useless, so we’ve to walk, that’s why I’m leavin’ so early
  • I don’t know how he gets any passengers for the Bingo run at all, sure aren’t they all half dead
  • Here fuck off you, who’re you callin’ half dead?
  • Well apart from yerself and Julie and the Maureen one, they all have one foot in the grave
  • That’s shocking talk Jimmy Violet. They all love the bingo, it’s the only outing they have all week
  • Don’t they get to mass as well, and I’m sure they have a funeral a week to go to. There can’t be too many of them left at this stage. I think Whacker is in the wrong business Ber…he should be driving limos for the undertakers, and he’d get less grief from his passengers.
  • Well he’ll be getting grief off me when I see him, refusing to take me mas wheelchair. He can stick his bus up his swiss from now on. Right I’d better go, me ma will be hangin’ out the window waitin’ for me
  • …and how are ye gettin’ home?
  • We’ll get a taxi if we win
  • …and if ye don’t win?
  • Then I’ll be knackered walkin’
  • Ye can’t be pushin’ Maisie in the dark Ber ,I’ll pick you up.
  • Sure you’ll be in the pub Jimmy, and anyway will a wheelchair even fit into the back of your van with all that shite?
  • It’s not shite, it’s me tools for work Bernie, and sure I’ll go the pub later. Isn’t the bingo over at ten?
  • Yeah but I can’t see a wheelchair fitting in, and sure me ma can’t climb up into that front seat of ¬†the van anyway.
  • I’ll hoosh her up
  • Hoosh her? Me ma is eighty five and she’s just had a knee operation Jimmy, ye can’t hoosh her anywhere
  • I’m only tryin’ to help Bernie, go on and walk so.
  • Ah go on so, but give us a lift to me mas first will ye Jimmy.
  • Will YOU be able to get up into the seat Ber?
  • Sure can’t ye hoosh me up Jimmy
  • I’ll hoosh you any time Bernie
  • Is that a threat Jimmy?
  • It’s a promise Ber
  • You’re right, I am a soft touch.
  • I’ll let ye know.
  • Dirty minded fecker, here you may as well bring us to the Bingo while you’re at it. Get a bit of practice in for when you collect us
  • Ah you’re pushing it now Ber
  • No I’m not. I’m getting a lift off you.

Just as well he collected us; we won feck all again!

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Resemble that remark ;) #AtoZchallenge

R

  • Life is too beautiful to drink alcohol or do drugs.
  • Are you giving up the booze Bernie?
  • No, don’t be mad Jimmy.
  • What are you on about then?
  • Jim Carey.
  • What about him?
  • I’m just reading an article about him here.He said life is too beautiful to drink alcohol or do drugs.
  • Well I’m with him on the drugs bit but jaysis Bernie, ye can’t beat a good pint.
  • Or ten pints where you’re concerned Jimmy.
  • Life is beautiful after a feed of gargle but.
  • How would you know? You can barely walk after a night in the pub.
  • I resemble that remark Bernie.
  • Ye sure do Jimbo…ye sure do.

Every Friday night… ūüėČ

That’s snow way to treat a lady

So storm Emma has fecked off, the beast has gone back east and homes all over Ireland has enough loaves of bread in their freezers to do them until next Christmas. It was fun while it lasted. We didn’t starve, we didn’t eat each other…except metaphorically of course, we trudged to the pub in our wellies to meet our stalwart friends who also braved the elements (jaysis we’d do anything for a few pints) and fell back home, falling occasionally into ditches,( but then we do that every Saturday night ) and now we’re dealing with the big thaw.

Because I never go anywhere without my car, and that was stuck under a mountain of snow, I had to walk to the local shop and I met neighbours I haven’t seen in months. It was great catching up on all the local goings on.

Storm Emma brought a great sense of community to the country. Everyone helped out by shopping for elderly neighbours, helping to clear driveways and generally being nicer people. Maisie said it was like during the war when people had feck all but shared it anyway. (go figure!)

So, I had that warm and second world war during the blitzy feeling, baking bread soup ( ok the bread was from SuperValu and already half baked and the soup was from a packet, but still…) Then, Saturday morning there was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, there was two young lads with shovels over their shoulders…

  • Howya missus
  • Alright lads, what can I do for you?
  • No missus, it’s what we can do for you
  • And what might that be?
  • We’re going to clear your driveway
  • Ah that’s nice of you. How much are you charging?
  • Ah no missus, no charge
  • Aww that’s nice of you
  • No bother missus. We’re doing it for all the old people in the area

 

I was not amused. Maisie thought it was hilarious.

“Getting old hurts doesn’t it Bernie?” says she

Wagon!!

 

snow

 

I built my dreams around you

drunk christmas

So I stayed up late last night waiting for himself to get in from the pub.¬† I thought we could have a nightcap together…He got in at 2a.m.

  • I could have been someone
  • Well so could anyone
  • You took my dreams from me, when I first found you
  • Did you finish that bottle of Baileys Bernie?
  • What makes you say that Jimmy?
  • Just a hunch Bernie
  • Ah sure it’s Christmas Jimmy. Did you have a nice night?
  • Grand Bernie, just a few pints, you know yourself
  • That’s nice
  • Would you not just get into the bed Bernie instead of just lying on the duvet?
  • I will in a minute Jimmy
  • You should have just come the pub with me
  • I told you I wasn’t drinking tonight Jimmy. I’ve too much to do tomorrow. It’s Christmas Eve babe
  • I see that worked out well for you
  • Goodnight Jimmy, ye little maggot
  • Go asleep Bernie, you cheap lousy faggot
  • Merry Christmas your arse

 

…and the bells will be ringing out for Christmas Day

 

 

Fatty New Year

 

fat-ass

  • Oh hello Bernadette, come in,
  • Hiya Geraldine, Jimmy said you were looking for me
  • Yes, I thought it would be nice to spend more time together. We’ve been sister in laws for a long time and we hardly ever see each other
  • Oh yeah right, and what brought this on then?
  • Well I reckon its time for making some resolutions
  • Oh so I’m one of your resolutions am I?
  • Well sort of
  • So what’s on your list then?
  • I’ve only three things so far 1. Start a diet. 2. Exercise more. 3. Give up drink.
  • For fuck sake Ger. Will you leave it out
  • What?
  • ¬†1. There’s not a pick on you. 2. You already do yoga, Pilates, spin class and speed walking every other day. 3. You don’t even drink
  • Thanks for the encouragement Bernie. I was going to ask you to join me
  • Join you in what?
  • My New Years list
  • Thanks a bunch Ger. With in laws like you who needs a slap from someone else
  • What?
  • You telling me I need to lose weight, exercise more and give up the drink
  • Well you were complaining over Christmas ¬†about your clothes being too tight. So if you go on a diet and walk with me everyday and stop going to the pub so often, you’ll lose loads.
  • Me go to the pub so often? Maybe you should be talking to your husband, not me
  • I’m only trying to help Bernadette
  • This list of yours
  • Yeah, what about it?
  • It sounds like a list for me…are you writing that list for me?
  • No
  • Are you saying I’m fat?
  • Not fat exactly, but…
  • Are you saying I’m not fit?
  • Well…
  • Are you saying I drink too much?
  • Well…
  • What am I? your New Years project?
  • I was only trying to help
  • If I needed help, ¬†which I dont! You’re the last person I’d be calling, the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • I just thought we could do stuff together
  • You’re already doing everything on that list, so why write it down and show it to me? I’m not an eejit Geraldine
  • Ah just forget the list Bernie
  • No I won’t forget it … STRING BEAN GERALDINE
  • I beg your pardon?
  • That’s what everyone calls you
  • That’s not very nice
  • Hurts doesn’t it Ger? What am I ? BIG ARSE BERNIE?
  • I never said that?
  • You may as well have Geraldine, now if you’ll excuse me, I told Jimmy I’d meet him for lunch…IN THE PUB, if you don’t mind. I was going to ask you if yourself and Anto wanted to join us.
  • We’d love to have lunch with you and Jimmy, come on ¬†I’ll drive, I’ll just go call Anthony
  • Forget it Geraldine, I’ll walk…burn a few ¬†inches off my fat arse before I stuff my face and skull a feed of pints
  • I never said you’d a fat arse
  • You’ve said enough Geraldine. I’m not one of your lost causes
  • I’m sorry Bernadette
  • You’d better add number four to your list while you’re at it
  • What’s that?
  • Find some other gobshite to spin with
  • But Bernadette…
  • But nothing. Goodbye,and mind you don’t fall down any drains while you’re out running.

The nerve of her, skinny bitch!!

 

 

Thirsty work

shopping bags

  • I’m off shopping with Julie
  • ¬†¬†Ah good luck
  • Why would I need luck?
  • Shopping with her,sure she’s worse than you
  • We like shopping; what’s wrong with that?
  • Whatever ¬†floats your boat Bernie.
  • Shopping floats my boat so deal with it
  • I suppose you’ll only be an hour
  • I’ll be as long as it takes
  • Be as long as you like
  • I will
  • I’ll see you at dinner time so
  • You might; you might not
  • So it’s the chipper for me I suppose
  • Whatever you fancy Jimmy
  • I fancy steak and chips but it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting it here
  • I’m sure your ma would be delighted to oblige
  • No bother to my ma
  • There you go then, sorted
  • I might pop up for a pint after me dinner, so make sure you have your key
  • I might go for dinner with Julie, seeing as your ma is making yours. No need to rush home
  • Since when did you ever rush home from shopping?
  • Well, you have a puss on if your dinner is not on the table by six
  • I’m a working man Bernie. It’s not much to ask me dinner ready when I come home after a hard days graft
  • No one ever gets my dinner ready
  • I do sometimes
  • Ye do not
  • I fucking do
  • What, once in a blue moon when you go the chipper for a one and one
  • It’s dinner isn’t it
  • Ye right
  • You’re never happy
  • I might go to the pub meself on the way home
  • Plenty of room for ye Bernie
  • It’s thirsty work all this shopping
  • Tell me about it

Men!

I will survive

solpadeine

I woke up with the mother of all hangovers this morning. The last thing I remember is knocking back shots ¬†with Lynn and Julie after we did our Gloria Gaynor party piece on the karaoke…

  • Me head is bangin’ Jimmy
  • I’ve no sympathy
  • I didn’t ask for any
  • Self inflicted Bernie
  • …and you’ve never had a hangover in your life I suppose
  • I don’t do hangovers Ber
  • You do so, you just don’t let on
  • You know me Ber; ¬†I’m not one for complaining
  • Leave it out will ye, you’re always complaining
  • I am not
  • You are so
  • Like when?
  • Like when you sneezed last week and swore you were dying with flu
  • Don’t exaggerate
  • I’m not exaggerating, you were exaggerating
  • I never said I was dying. I just said I thought I was getting the flu
  • Well you were lying on the sofa all day like a dying swan, demanding hot drinks and chip sambos
  • Feed a flu, starve a fever
  • You didn’t have a flu
  • Well it was coming on
  • You’re talking through your swiss roll Jimmy
  • I am not Bernie, they say eat and drink loads to combat flu
  • Well ‘THEY’ didn’t have to put up with your moans all day
  • I wasn’t moaning. I was sick. Jaysis I wouldn’t want to be looking for sympathy from you anyway
  • There wasn’t a bother on ye when Anto rang ye to go to the pub
  • United were playing
  • So United cures the flu..should have told me earlier,I could’ve ordered Sky Sports, saved me traipsing in and out all day with bleedin’ cups of tea and lem sips
  • I forced meself to go. I didn’t want to let Anto down
  • Would you get out of that. You were out that door like a blue arsed fly when he called
  • I was very weak. Anto had to link me to the pub
  • …well the drink obviously didn’t help, because he had to link you comin’ home aswell
  • I thought the few pints would sort me out but they just went to me head
  • Nothing to do with the whiskey then
  • A hot whiskey is yer only man Ber, I felt like a new man after
  • Obviously you did Jimmy, because you didn’t know your own name when you got home.
  • It was them lem sips did it Bernie, ¬†I shouldn’t have taken them with the solpadeine
  • Never mind the eight pints and whiskey chasers
  • …and you say I’ve no sympathy
  • I didn’t mix medication and drink
  • You’re a cold fish sometimes Bernie
  • Says you, telling me my headache is self inflicted
  • Well it is
  • I’ll survive
  • I’m sure you will Bernie
  • Ask me arse Jimmy
  • I would, but I’m afraid it might answer me
  • Shurrup ¬†and make us a cuppa will ye
  • Cup of tea and sympathy coming up love
  • I told you I don’t want sympathy, just a cup of bloody tea Jimmy
  • … and two solpadeine?
  • Yes please

Ouch , I’m never drinking again…’til the next time of course