Al Fresco or Tescos?

al fresco 1

  • Ah howya Bernie
  • Ah howya Eilo, long time no see..
  • Where are you off to?
  • Just walkin’ up to Tesco to buy a bit of lunch
  • Ah feck that, come on over and join me for a cappuccino
  • Get you being all continental on the side of the road
  • Ah sure if Mohammed can’t go to the mountain and all that Berno, ye know yerself
  • I’m assumin’ Bart is gone to France for the Euros then?
  • He is, jammy fecker went last night. He couldn’t get the time off work for the first match
  • Jimmy and the lads went on Monday morning.They were up half the night partyin’ with the Swedes after the match
  • Jaysis, can you imagine what they’d be like if they won?
  • I know. There’d be no stoppin’ them
  • Sure he was only gone and he was ringin’ me from the airport
  • Ah, loves young dream. Was he missin’ ye already
  • He was in his swiss. He only rang to see if he left his vuvuzela on the kitchen table
  • Ah jaysis, too much information Eilo
  • Shurrup ye durtburd Bernie. It’s a horn
  • Still too much information Eilo. What did he want you to do, post it over to him?
  • No, he just wanted to moan about it. He’s not happy til he has a bit of a moan in the mornin’ and sure the lads won’t listen to him. Anyway, I brought his horn down the pub last night. A gang of us went to watch the match.
  • So you were blowin’ Barts horn down the pub
  • Too right Berno, Sure we all had a go of Barts horn
  • I’m sure he’ll be delighted.
  • He’ll be ragin’. The big gobshite. Somethin’ else for him to moan about
  • Have you heard how they’re gettin’ on? Apart from him missin’ his horn like.
  •  Eating breakfast in some sidewalk café  in Bordeaux no doubt. I wouldn’t be able for him.
  • ..and you havin’ to dine al fresco in Inchicore
  • Not for much longer Ber. Look at them clouds.
  • Summer me arse. I wouldn’t mind a few days in France meself
  • Ah come on I’ll buy ye a baguette to cheer you up
  • Get you. It’s far from baguettes you were reared Eilo Farrell
  • Excuse me, I’ve been to Lourdes twice with the ladies club
  • Ye, I remember the last time you came home on crutches
  • Ah scarlet for meself.  I fell off a table singing Karaoke at the Hotel
  • You’re mad. Come on inside, it’s goin’ to lash down. D’ye want a cappuccino or a latte?
  • Ah no fuck it, just get us a can of lilt Ber. I’m parchin’
  • You’re just so typically tropical Eilo

 

 

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The chat up

Me pal Lynn dropped round for a coffee and a chat on Saturday mornin’.

  • How  did you get on at the Hens party last night Bernie
  • We had a great night. Gorgeous meal, a few scoops a bit of karaoke
  • Sounds good
  • It was,until the young ones wanted to go to a nightclub
  • Did ye go
  • I did. Julie dragged me along, you know her for the dancin’
  • Ah Julie loves a bit of a bop alrigh’
  • So do I, but Jaysis Lynn, it was full of bleedin’ kids
  • Did ye get an ask up?
  • They don’t have slow sets anymore
  • Ah jaysis, that’s shite Bernie
  • I know. I did get chatted up bu’
  • Gerraway
  • Yeah
  • By who?
  • Some little pimple headed yoke
  • Ha, scarleh for ye Berno
  • He was about twelve
  • And he had a chat up line?
  • How do you like you’re eggs in the mornin’? he says
  • The dirtbird. What did you say Bernie?
  • With a cup of coffee and Kevin Bacon I says now fuck off home to yer mammy
  • Ye did not?
  • I did
  • Scarleh for him
  • He probably didn’t even know who Kevin Bacon was
  • I’d love a bit of Kevin Bacon meself
  • On toast Lynn
  • On a roll Bernie
  • A jumbo breakfast roll
  • With a big sausage
  • Ye dirty bitch Lynn
  • Wha’? That’s just your dirty mind Bernie
  • Does this make me a cougar or wha’?
  • Poor young fella would have been on a roll last night if you were
  • Ah, I felt a bit sorry for him after
  • He won’t be usin’ that chat up line again in a hurry
  • Not on me inannyway
  • No more nightclubs for you
  • Never say never
  • Ye still have it all the same Bernie
  • I never fuckin’ lost it Lynn

I will survive

solpadeine

I woke up with the mother of all hangovers this morning. The last thing I remember is knocking back shots  with Lynn and Julie after we did our Gloria Gaynor party piece on the karaoke…

  • Me head is bangin’ Jimmy
  • I’ve no sympathy
  • I didn’t ask for any
  • Self inflicted Bernie
  • …and you’ve never had a hangover in your life I suppose
  • I don’t do hangovers Ber
  • You do so, you just don’t let on
  • You know me Ber;  I’m not one for complaining
  • Leave it out will ye, you’re always complaining
  • I am not
  • You are so
  • Like when?
  • Like when you sneezed last week and swore you were dying with flu
  • Don’t exaggerate
  • I’m not exaggerating, you were exaggerating
  • I never said I was dying. I just said I thought I was getting the flu
  • Well you were lying on the sofa all day like a dying swan, demanding hot drinks and chip sambos
  • Feed a flu, starve a fever
  • You didn’t have a flu
  • Well it was coming on
  • You’re talking through your swiss roll Jimmy
  • I am not Bernie, they say eat and drink loads to combat flu
  • Well ‘THEY’ didn’t have to put up with your moans all day
  • I wasn’t moaning. I was sick. Jaysis I wouldn’t want to be looking for sympathy from you anyway
  • There wasn’t a bother on ye when Anto rang ye to go to the pub
  • United were playing
  • So United cures the flu..should have told me earlier,I could’ve ordered Sky Sports, saved me traipsing in and out all day with bleedin’ cups of tea and lem sips
  • I forced meself to go. I didn’t want to let Anto down
  • Would you get out of that. You were out that door like a blue arsed fly when he called
  • I was very weak. Anto had to link me to the pub
  • …well the drink obviously didn’t help, because he had to link you comin’ home aswell
  • I thought the few pints would sort me out but they just went to me head
  • Nothing to do with the whiskey then
  • A hot whiskey is yer only man Ber, I felt like a new man after
  • Obviously you did Jimmy, because you didn’t know your own name when you got home.
  • It was them lem sips did it Bernie,  I shouldn’t have taken them with the solpadeine
  • Never mind the eight pints and whiskey chasers
  • …and you say I’ve no sympathy
  • I didn’t mix medication and drink
  • You’re a cold fish sometimes Bernie
  • Says you, telling me my headache is self inflicted
  • Well it is
  • I’ll survive
  • I’m sure you will Bernie
  • Ask me arse Jimmy
  • I would, but I’m afraid it might answer me
  • Shurrup  and make us a cuppa will ye
  • Cup of tea and sympathy coming up love
  • I told you I don’t want sympathy, just a cup of bloody tea Jimmy
  • … and two solpadeine?
  • Yes please

Ouch , I’m never drinking again…’til the next time of course

Somebody’s Bitch

behind bars

I got a summons in the post. I’m up in court next week. I’m mortified. I’ve never been in court in me life. Julie thinks it’s bleedin’ hilarious…

  • Ah Berno, trust you
  • It’s not funny Julie. What about my good name?
  • For fuck sake Bernie, it’s only for a t.v. licence
  • It doesn’t matter. I’ll never live it down
  • Why didn’t you pay it?
  • I thought I did, then I got a reminder before we went to Paris and when we got back I forgot, then I got a fine and I forgot to pay that
  • The price you have to pay for continental travel Berno
  • What if they lock me up
  • They won’t lock you up
  • They might
  • They won’t, I’m tellin’ ye
  • I remember reading about some old dear who got locked up for not paying her licence fee
  • They can’t lock you up for no licence.
  • Really? Oh thank God for that
  • No, they only lock you up if you don’t pay the court fine
  • Ah fuck off Julie. I didn’t pay the fine. That’s the problem
  • Ye big eejit Bernie.
  • Just as well I look good in orange
  • What do you mean?
  • Orange is the new black …I’m gonna be banged up Jules. I’ll never survive
  • Stoppit will ye. It’s not bleedin’ death row in Folsom prison. You watch too much T.V.
  • Oh stop. It will be like ‘Bad Girls’. I could be somebody’s bitch by Friday night
  • Will you calm down. You’ll be nobody’s bitch but mine at the Karaoke on Friday night
  • I wonder will they cuff me
  • I’m sure if you ask nicely they will..haha. Watch out Jimmy, I hear some of them prison guards are ‘fine’ things … excuse the pun Bernie
  • Ah Jules, you’re not helping. I’m bricking it. What’s gonna happen to me?
  • Relax will ye. They’ll just bring you to ‘The Joy’, put you in holding cell for a few hours and then they let you go.
  • What’s the point of that?
  • There’s no bleedin’ point Bernie. They just love to waste police time and tax payers money locking up innocent women instead of real criminals.
  • How come you know so much about it?
  • It happened some girl from Donegal. I read about it in the paper. Remember I told you about it
  • The one they brought down in a taxi?
  • Yeah, the taxi fare was dearer than the bleedin’ fine. Sure she had a day out in Dublin, and her lunch thrown in aswell.
  • I’m sure she’d rather have spent a day in Dublin doing something nicer than sitting in The Dochas Centre in Mountjoy Julie
  • Ah yeah God love her, it must have been an awful ordeal
  • Have you got a T.V. licence Julie?
  • Of course I have. I’m not that stupid Berno
  • Jaysis thanks pal
  • See you in court Bernie
  • Yes you will, ‘cos you’re coming with me
  • Should I bring a cake with a file in it?
  • Very funny
  • O.K. I’ll wait ’til visiting day then
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious Julie

If you don’t hear from me next week, you’ll know I’m a banged up broad   😦

Chakras

chackra

I’ve been a bit stressed lately. The kids are wrecking me buzz and Jimmy is being his usual pain in the arse. Antos wife Geraldine wants to ‘fix’ my aura.

  • I didn’t know it was broken Ger
  • Oh it is Bernie, it is
  • How can you tell?
  • Your aureole is very dark
  • Me aureole? What the fuck is that when it’s at home
  • It’s like a halo
  • I’ve a halo? Like an angels halo?
  • Yes, like an angel
  • Well about time too
  • But it’s very dark Bernie
  • I’m in a dark mood Ger
  • I can tell
  • Can you tell why?
  • Yes, you really need to align your chakras Bernie
  • Chakras? Are for fuck sake, what are me chakras
  • They are your energy centres. Yours are blocked Bernie
  • So me aura is broken, me aureole is too dark and me chakras’ are blocked is that what your saying?
  • It is Bernie.
  • So what’s the solution then?
  • You could start with yoga
  • What will that do?
  • It’s the first step to get your chakras spinning in the right direction
  • Are you serious
  • I am Bernie
  • Well my solution Geraldine is get out of this house away from him, the kids, and housework and have a night out with the girls, have a few vodkas, a bit of karaoke and a bop and I’ll be right as rain
  • Dance is good Bernie, with the right music it can help release your endorphins
  • I’m talking about a bit of Abba and a few scoops down the pub Ger
  • Alcohol is not the solution Bernie. You need to get in touch with your inner self
  • I need to get in touch with a bottle of Smirnoff  Geraldine
  • I could do some reiki on you before you go
  • You’re reiki-ing my head Ger
  • Sorry Bernadette, I was just trying to help
  • Ah I know Ger, sure come with us. You never know, you might enjoy it
  • Thanks Bernie but I told Anthony I’d make him some tofu parmigiana tonight. It’s his favourite, I just popped out to buy some shredded mozarella and basil
  • I thought steak and chips was Antos favourite?
  •  Oh no, it’s definitely my tofu
  • Whatever you say Ger, anyway I’d better go, I’m meeting the girls at eight so I’d better hurry home to polish me halo

Ask me areolas Geraldine!