Duck Tales (Jimmy makes dinner)#AprilAtoZChallenge

D

So, Jimmy rang to say he’s making dinner tonight.

  • You take your time in your mas Bernie. Dinner will be ready when you get home.
  • Seriously?
  • Don’t sound so surprised. I have cooked before.
  • You’ve gone to the chipper and emptied the fish and chips onto the plates when you brought them home.
  • Stop nit picking Bernie. Do you want me to cook or not?
  • Knock yourself out Jimmy, so what are you making then?
  • Crispy Duck
  • You what?
  • I got the recipe from Jamie Oliver.
  • When were you talking to Jamie Oliver?
  • He was on the telly. Jamie’s 15- minute meals.
  • Very nice. So have you started yet?
  • I’m just about to. Do we have any noodles?
  • In the top cupboard.
  • Great, oh what about pancakes?
  • What about them?
  • Do we have any?
  • Are you not making them?
  • I can’t make pancakes. Ah sure we can do without them.
  • Right so.
  • Have we any hoi sin sauce?
  • Would you feck off Jimmy, what would I be doing with hoi sin sauce?
  • Never mind;  I’ll improvise. Do we have any soy sauce and  scallions?
  • Maybe we should just have chipper  again tonight, Jimmy.
  • No no no, I said I was cooking, so I’m cooking.
  • I’ll be home in fifteen minutes then.
  • Take your time, it’ll be ready in about an hour.
  • But…
  • What?
  • Nothing Jimmy. See you in an hour so.

Fifteen minute meals me arse…I hope he’s not expecting me to wash up.

 

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Frozen

 

  • Alright Bernie
  • I’m frozen Jimmy, put the kettle on will you
  • Where were you?
  • I went for a walk with Julie
  • In this weather?
  • I didn’t realise how cold it was. I was going mad looking at the four walls
  • It’s bleedin’ Baltic
  • Ah sure I was well wrapped up
  • You could have relapsed
  • Don’t be stupid Jimmy
  • Don’t come moaning to me if you get that flu back
  • Why would I moan to you? You’re the one who moaned about having the flu, not me.
  • I nearly died Bernie
  • You had the flu Jimmy, not the feckin’ Bubonic Plague
  • You’ve no sympathy. People died from the Aussie flu
  • Who? Who died Jimmy?
  • Well I don’t know them personally but I read it in the paper
  • Oh well if you read it in the paper it must be true
  • Conor McGregor had it
  • What’s that got to do with the price of turnips?
  • I’m just saying, him and his entire family were struck down with it over the New Year. Some of them were hospitalised
  • Did they die?
  • No but…
  • So why are you even going on about them?
  • I was only telling you
  • Oh forget it. What’s for dinner?
  • I haven’t been to the shops yet. I just came back for me purse
  • Oh right. I fancy a bit of steak
  •  I don’t think I’ll bother going back out now now
  • Why? What about me dinner?
  • Imagine if I relapsed in the butchers ?
  • You’re just talking silly now
  • You said yourself, it’s Baltic out there
  • Sure can’t you take the car Bernie, come on I’ll make you a cuppa first
  • Jaysis… You’re all heart Jimmy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Que Sera Sera

It’s Maisies last week in the nursing home. I know she secretly loves it but she just won’t admit it…

  • Heya ma
  • Hello Bernadette
  • How are you getting on?
  • Awful
  • Why? Did you not do your physio today?
  • I did
  • Well, how was it
  • Grand
  • Well then?
  • Well then what?
  • Why did you say awful?
  • I’m talking about this place
  • It’s lovely ma
  • You stay here then if it’s so lovely
  • What do you not like about it?
  • The food is shite
  • What did you have for your lunch?
  • Chicken and ham with carrots and potatoes and parsley sauce
  • Sounds lovely.
  • It was alright
  • Did you get dessert?
  • Jelly and ice cream
  • Very nice
  • It was alright
  • Did you not eat your lunch then?
  • Of course I ate it
  • It can’t have been that bad so
  • I was starving Bernie. I’d have eaten the leg of the table with no salt I was so hungry
  • Oh, did you not have breakfast then?
  • I did. Porridge,a boiled egg, brown bread,tea, toast and marmalade
  • Is that all? No wonder you were starving by lunch time two hours later..
  • Three hours actually
  • Marie said you’d a great time at the bingo last night and you really enjoyed the singalong on Saturday
  • What would Marie know?
  • She’s one of the carers ma. She sees you everyday. She said you love it and get on great with the other patients
  • Did she now?
  • She did ma
  • I sit with Rita at the Bingo
  • Ah that’s great that you’ve made a friend
  • …and Nora, she’s great at the singing
  • Two new friends?
  • There’s Eileen as well, but  she hasn’t a note in her head , she thinks she’s Vera Lynn.
  • They can’t all be good singers ma
  • It’s just as well most of them are deaf in here, that’s all I can say
  • Did you sing on Saturday night  ma?
  • Well, they insisted. I had no choice
  • Que sera sera?
  • You know I love a bit of Doris Day Bernie
  • I’d say you were great
  • I had to do an encore…The Black hills of Dakota
  • They’ll miss you when you go home ma
  • D’ye think so Bernie?
  • I know so ma…and you’ll miss them
  • No I won’t.
  • You will, just wait and see
  • I won’t
  • Not even Rita?
  • Well maybe Rita…
  • What about Nora and Eileen
  • Maybe Nora, but not Eileen
  • Because she’s a crap singer?
  • No, because she’s a pain in the arse!

Takes one to know one sometimes I suppose!

 

 

Thirsty work

shopping bags

  • I’m off shopping with Julie
  •   Ah good luck
  • Why would I need luck?
  • Shopping with her,sure she’s worse than you
  • We like shopping; what’s wrong with that?
  • Whatever  floats your boat Bernie.
  • Shopping floats my boat so deal with it
  • I suppose you’ll only be an hour
  • I’ll be as long as it takes
  • Be as long as you like
  • I will
  • I’ll see you at dinner time so
  • You might; you might not
  • So it’s the chipper for me I suppose
  • Whatever you fancy Jimmy
  • I fancy steak and chips but it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting it here
  • I’m sure your ma would be delighted to oblige
  • No bother to my ma
  • There you go then, sorted
  • I might pop up for a pint after me dinner, so make sure you have your key
  • I might go for dinner with Julie, seeing as your ma is making yours. No need to rush home
  • Since when did you ever rush home from shopping?
  • Well, you have a puss on if your dinner is not on the table by six
  • I’m a working man Bernie. It’s not much to ask me dinner ready when I come home after a hard days graft
  • No one ever gets my dinner ready
  • I do sometimes
  • Ye do not
  • I fucking do
  • What, once in a blue moon when you go the chipper for a one and one
  • It’s dinner isn’t it
  • Ye right
  • You’re never happy
  • I might go to the pub meself on the way home
  • Plenty of room for ye Bernie
  • It’s thirsty work all this shopping
  • Tell me about it

Men!

Recovery

R

I thought I was great after the colonoscopy procedure but when Jimmy picked me up from the hospital I went straight home and collapsed into the bed. I slept for the whole afternoon. I was bleedin’ knackered. It was dark when I woke up…

  • Are you awake Bernie?
  • Hmmmm
  • Are you awake?
  • I am now
  • I brought you a cup of tea
  • Thanks love
  • Would you like a something to eat?
  • A slice of toast would be lovely Jimmy
  • No bother. I’ll make it for you now
  • Lovely
  • I thought you were never going to wake up
  • How long was I asleep?
  • Four hours
  • Really?
  • Ye, you were out for the count
  • What time is it?
  • Half six
  • Did you have your dinner?
  • No, I was waiting for you to wake up
  • Ah, that’s nice. What are you making?
  • Me? I thought you’d make it
  • Are you serious? You’re waiting for me to make your dinner?
  • You know I can’t cook Bernie
  • You don’t know until you try Jimmy
  • I never had to try Bernie
  • Your ma spoiled you rotten
  • What about you
  • What about me?
  • You spoiled me too
  • Did I?
  • You always do the cooking
  • Not today
  • Ah you have a rest there Bernie. You’ve been through the mill at that hospital
  • Yeah, I do feel wrecked alright
  • I’ll just go make your toast and a fresh cuppa and then I’d organise dinner
  • Are you really going to cook Jimmy?
  • I am in me bollix. I’ll go to the chipper
  • Good man
  • I’m glad your ok Ber
  • Were you worried about me?
  • Of course I was. Who’d make me dinner if anything happened to you?
  • Fuck off Jimmy
  • I’m only messin’
  • I know you are
  • It’s taken a lot out of you.
  • I’m grand. I’ll be back to meself by the morning
  • Of course you will. Love you Bernie
  • Love you too Jimmy
  • I’ll go get that tea and toast
  • Thanks love

Ah, he’s not a bad aul skin all the same  🙂

Ma

M

I’m changing me name I swear to God. It was bad enough when they were kids. It was non stop all day

Ma I’m hungry

Ma I’m thirsty

Ma can I have a drink

Ma he hit me

Ma, ma, ma

Jasus me head was forever melted listening to them. I thought I’d have a quiet life when they grew up. I thought wrong. Kylie and Jason are the worst.

  • Ma
  • What?
  • Did you put the immersion on
  • Yeah
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Did you see my good shirt?
  • Which one?
  • The blue one
  • It’s hanging in your wardrobe
  • Not that one, me other blue one
  • Will that one not do ye?
  • No, I want me good one
  • Look in the ironing basket
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Will you iron it for me
  • No, I’m going out
  • Ah Ma please. I’m in a hurry
  • So am I. Ask Kylie to do it
  • She won’t, she’s a lazy bitch
  • And what does that make you?
  • It makes me knackered after working all day
  • She works aswell
  • Ye, she must be worn out painting aul ones nails all day
  • I don’t get paid enough for this shite
  • I give you fifty quid a week
  • You wouldn’t get a bed in a hostel for that
  • Karl’s ma doesn’t take any money from him
  • Well go live with Karl’s ma then
  • Ah, you’d miss me if I moved out
  • Prove it
  • Ah ma, you’re gas
  • Oh give me the bleedin’ shirt
  • Thanks ma. I’ll just go have a shower
  • Go
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Did you buy any shower gel?
  • It’s in the press under the sink
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Throw us up a towel will ye
  • Do you want me to wash your arse while I’m at it
  • Ah Ma, leave it out will ye

In walks Kylie…

  • Ma
  • What?
  • What’s for dinner?
  • Chicken
  • Again
  • What do you mean again?
  • We’re always having chicken
  • Count yourself lucky.
  • How is having chicken lucky?
  • Poor people in other countries would love chicken for their dinner.
  • Well send them mine then
  • Don’t be so cheeky madam.
  • Ma, you sound like granny
  • What do you mean?
  • Going on about poor people in other countries
  • Well it’s true. You lot don’t know you’re born
  • Haha, granny says that too
  • Well your granny is right
  • Ma
  • What?
  • Can I have something else for dinner?
  • You can have whatever you like love
  • Ah thanks Ma
  • The takeaway menus are in the drawer there
  • Ah Ma, I can’t afford takeaway. I don’t get paid ‘til Friday
  • You’re having chicken so
  • Ma?
  • What?
  • Give us a lend of a tenner will ye?
  • For what?
  • To order a curry
  • You only eat chicken curry
  • I know
  • You just said you were sick of chicken
  • Chinese is different
  • Yeah ’cause it’s probably not even chicken
  • Ma!

Give me patience!!!

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Running away

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My friend Lynda has been saving her running away money since she got married thirty years ago. She’s fifty now and still hasn’t gone further than Galway for a weekend with the girls. She came over yesterday…

  • I’m running away Bernie
  • Again?
  • What do you mean?
  • Nothing. Where are you going?
  • I don’t know
  • What are you running from?
  • From him
  • What has he done now?
  • He’s just getting on my nerves
  • You can’t run away because someone’s getting on your nerves
  • I can and I will
  • Jasus you’re not eight years old Lyn
  • I wish I was eight years old Bernie. Back in my mas’ gaff, with not a care in the world
  • What cares do you have?
  • Him; sitting at home all day scratching his arse watching Jeremy Kyle
  • He can’t help losing his job
  • He could get another one…get him out of my hair
  • But he’s tried Lyn. You told me he applied for loads of jobs
  • He could try harder
  • Jobs aren’t that easy to get these days you know, especially for men of Dave’s age
  • He’s not that old Bernie
  • I never said he was old
  • You implied it
  • I did not
  • Dave is very fit for forty eight you know
  • I’m sure he is Lynda, but Dave is fifty two
  • Who told you he was fifty-two?
  • His ma did. He is my cousin remember
  • Oh yeah. Keep it quiet will you. Dave’s very sensitive about his age
  • He’s not the only one
  • What do you mean?
  • Sure you’ve been forty for the past ten years Lynda
  • I have not Bernie Rose Violet…it’s only been five
  • Yeah right
  • OK… eight
  • Whatever you say Lynda
  • Who are you today, the age police ?
  • You started it
  • I did not. When?
  • When you said Dave was very fit for forty eight
  • Well he is. He’d give young fellas half his age a run for their money
  • I’m sure he would Lyn
  • He would Bernie. Now can we stop talking about how old we are please
  • No problem. So when are you going?
  • Going where?
  • You said you were running away
  • Oh right. I don’t know yet
  • Where will you go?
  • Em, I don’t know yet
  • Let me know yeah
  • Right Bernie
  • Will you have another cuppa?
  • No, I’d better go. I’ve to make his dinner
  • Right so. Will I see you for Bingo later?
  • Yeah , Dave said he’ll give me a lift
  • What about Jeremy Kyle?
  • He doesn’t play Bingo
  • Very funny.
  • It will be over by then. He’ll drop me off  before Masterchef starts
  • That’s nice of him
  • Ah yeah, he doesn’t like me getting the bus. He’s very good like that
  • I thought he was getting on your nerves?
  • He is…he was…ah he’s alright I suppose. He’s not the worst
  • He’s lovely
  • Yeah he is lovely isn’t he?
  • See you later so
  • Right Bernie. I’d better run. I didn’t realise the time. Dave will be starving
  • Bye Lyn
  • Bye Bernie.

Jasus!!