Air Rage


plane in air

I’m just back from Benidorm. We had a fab time, but when I got on the plane all I wanted to do was sleep, I was so wrecked. This drinking and partying every night takes its toll you know.

Anyway, I was just settling down for a nice snooze after take off when the little brat behind me, starts kicking the back of my seat. I turned and gave him and his mother a dirty look but he continued kicking throughout the flight.

When the drinks trolley arrived, it stopped briefly as they put down their trays. He got a kids snack box with biscuits and hoola hoops and a can of coke, she got a vodka and a can of Heineken. She proceeded to pour the Heino into the glass of vodka and lowered it in one before pressing her buzzer to order another round. The child put his tray back in place and continued with his kicking marathon. the coke seemed to have given him more energy as the kicking became more fierce. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  • Are you going to control your child?
  • I beg your pardon?
  • Can you tell him to stop kicking my seat please
  • Stop kicking the ladies seat Benjamin, there’s a good boy
  • Thank you

He stopped kicking for two minutes, then started again

  • Your mammy told you to stop kicking my seat, did you not hear her?
  • Yeah
  • Well can you stop please
  • No
  • Excuse me?
  • I don’t want to
  • I don’t care what you want…just stop kicking my fucking seat
  • Don’t speak to my son like that
  • Tell your son to stop kicking my seat
  • I did
  • Tell him again!
  • Benjamin, the lady is in a bad mood so just take your feet away from the back of her seat, good boy
  • The lady is in a bad mood because your little brat wont stop kicking my seat
  • My son is not a brat
  • Yes he is, and if you can’t control him, I will
  • How dare you!
  • How dare you bring a child on a plane and let him do as he pleases while you drink yourself blind
  • I’ve had two drinks
  • You’ve had four, and a few more before you got on the plane by the look of you
  • …and you don’t drink?
  • Yes I do, I love a drink,but I don’t get wasted when I’ve me kids with me
  • I’m not wasted, don’t you dare judge me
  • I’m not judging, I’m making an observation
  • Mind your own bloody business
  • I’ll mind my own business when you control your fucking child
  • Don’t use that language in front of my son
  • Don’t be getting pissed in front of your son
  • I am not pissed
  • Well, continue ordering cans of Heino and vodka chasers at the rate you are and you will be
  • Mammy are you pissed?
  • No Benjamin, don’t mind the silly lady. Here swap seats with me
  • And if he wakes my husband up by kicking HIS seat, he won’t be as nice as me…ok love?

There wasn’t another peep out of him, but honestly…Some people shouldn’t be allowed travel with kids



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  • Buckle up Bernie, I can’t believe we’re off to Benidorm
  • I know Julie, when you think of where we should be
  • I wonder how Ger’s gettin’ on?
  • Like I’m bothered, I’m just relieved I’m off the hook
  • Ah, Ger’s not de worst Ber. She’s ok
  • Yeah, in small doses, but for an entire weekend, sharin’ de same room? No thanks
  • Ah she’s delighted to have de two girls with her all de same and she couldn’t sing your praises enough for giving Willow your place
  • If only she knew
  • You’ll burn in hell Bernie Rose
  • Says you! You were only goin’ in de first place because Anto was payin’
  • So were you
  • Is Anto still goin’ to the Euros with Jimmy and Ray?
  • Well his ticket is booked, but Ger doesn’t know yet
  • He’s some gobshite, booking a Spa break for her so she wouldn’t be at home alone when he’s in France
  • …and so she’d let him actually go to France
  • …then he books de Spa for May and the Euros don’t start until June
  • He’s a fuckin’ eejit alright, why de hell did he do that?
  • He said he put de wrong dates in when he was bookin’ online and when he tried to change it they were booked out ¬†until September and they wouldn’t give him a refund
  • So now he’s de one home alone
  • He’ll love that. Sure he’ll probably spend his time over eatin’ dirty big fry ups in his mas and den down de pub with Ray and Jimmy
  • He’ll have a ball…a weekend without bean sprouts and nut roasts
  • ..and Lily will be delighted to have her boys all to herself
  • A great weekend will be had by all
  • Good luck to dem
  • Oh look, the seatbelt sign is on Ber, we’re away..woohoo
  • Don’t talk to me ’til we’re up Julie, me nerves are gone. You know I hate takin’ off
  • Here we go, zoom baby.I wonder what speed he’s doin’?
  • Stoppit Julie
  • Ah we’ll be up in no time and sure you’ll be grand after a few scoops
  • Are we up yet?
  • Yes, you can open your eyes now Ber
  • Grand, now, any sign of dat drinks trolly?

plane in air

X marks the spot

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  • What are you doing with the pin Bernie?
  • Apart from stickin’ it in your arse ye mean?
  • Why? What did I do?
  • I just got off the phone from Ger
  • Ger Byrne?
  • No, your sister in law Ger
  • Oh right, how’s young Petrocelli doin’
  • Her name is Patchouli Jimmy, for fuck sake, how many times have you to be told?
  • Yeah yeah, whatever
  • Anyway, stop changin’ de subject
  • What subject?
  • Of you tellin’ Ger I couldn’t wait to go to the health farm with her. How I was counting the minutes ’til de weekend
  • Oh that, yeah, ha right
  • You’re not bleedin’ funny Jimmy
  • Well you were de one who said you didn’t want her to know you didn’t want to go
  • So, you decided to tell her I was livin’ for it?
  • Ah now I wouldn’t go that far Ber
  • Well I would! It took me ages to convince her to give my place to Willow
  • But sure she was tryin’ to book Willow in yesterday when I was over. Practically begged yer one to squeeze her in for de weekend.
  • …and you didn’t think to tell me that? Or to suggest Willow went instead of me?
  • …well it wasn’t my place
  • My arse Jimmy. You’re such a knob head sometimes.
  • No need for dat talk Bernie
  • Ders every need Jimmy Violet
  • Anyway, what’s dat got to do with you brandishing a pin in my direction
  • I’m goin’ to stick it in a map of Spain
  • Why?
  • Because wherever it lands, is where I’m goin’
  • When?
  • The weekend I was meant to go to the Health farm
  • Why?
  • Because I’m SOOOOO disappointed I’m not going with Ger, I need to get away
  • On yer own?
  • Julie’s comin’ with me
  • I thought she was lookin’ after her sick mother
  • Her ma is much better now and her auntie May is comin’ over to visit, so Julie is free for de week. Right ,hold dat map straight for me ‘
  • Mind where yer wavin dat pin, will ye open yer eyes Bernie
  • Right, where did it land?
  • Give us a look Ber. Sierra Nevada. That’s a mountain range. Are yiz goin’ mountain climbin’?
  • Fuck off, give us yer pen for a minute
  • Here. What’s that for
  • X marks de spot Jimmy
  • Benidorm? Dat’s bleedin’ miles from there
  • Close enough for me Jimmy
  • You’re some bleedin’ chancer. I bet you already have Benidorm booked haven’t ye
  • Ask no questions Jim Bob…right I’m off out to buy a new swimsuit. See ye later alligater…your dinner is in de chipper
  • That’s lovely alright!


Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together ūüėČ

bikini 2