Air Rage

 

plane in air

I’m just back from Benidorm. We had a fab time, but when I got on the plane all I wanted to do was sleep, I was so wrecked. This drinking and partying every night takes its toll you know.

Anyway, I was just settling down for a nice snooze after take off when the little brat behind me, starts kicking the back of my seat. I turned and gave him and his mother a dirty look but he continued kicking throughout the flight.

When the drinks trolley arrived, it stopped briefly as they put down their trays. He got a kids snack box with biscuits and hoola hoops and a can of coke, she got a vodka and a can of Heineken. She proceeded to pour the Heino into the glass of vodka and lowered it in one before pressing her buzzer to order another round. The child put his tray back in place and continued with his kicking marathon. the coke seemed to have given him more energy as the kicking became more fierce. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  • Are you going to control your child?
  • I beg your pardon?
  • Can you tell him to stop kicking my seat please
  • Stop kicking the ladies seat Benjamin, there’s a good boy
  • Thank you

He stopped kicking for two minutes, then started again

  • Your mammy told you to stop kicking my seat, did you not hear her?
  • Yeah
  • Well can you stop please
  • No
  • Excuse me?
  • I don’t want to
  • I don’t care what you want…just stop kicking my fucking seat
  • Don’t speak to my son like that
  • Tell your son to stop kicking my seat
  • I did
  • Tell him again!
  • Benjamin, the lady is in a bad mood so just take your feet away from the back of her seat, good boy
  • The lady is in a bad mood because your little brat wont stop kicking my seat
  • My son is not a brat
  • Yes he is, and if you can’t control him, I will
  • How dare you!
  • How dare you bring a child on a plane and let him do as he pleases while you drink yourself blind
  • I’ve had two drinks
  • You’ve had four, and a few more before you got on the plane by the look of you
  • …and you don’t drink?
  • Yes I do, I love a drink,but I don’t get wasted when I’ve me kids with me
  • I’m not wasted, don’t you dare judge me
  • I’m not judging, I’m making an observation
  • Mind your own bloody business
  • I’ll mind my own business when you control your fucking child
  • Don’t use that language in front of my son
  • Don’t be getting pissed in front of your son
  • I am not pissed
  • Well, continue ordering cans of Heino and vodka chasers at the rate you are and you will be
  • Mammy are you pissed?
  • No Benjamin, don’t mind the silly lady. Here swap seats with me
  • And if he wakes my husband up by kicking HIS seat, he won’t be as nice as me…ok love?

There wasn’t another peep out of him, but honestly…Some people shouldn’t be allowed travel with kids

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Talking to myself

T

Sometimes, you’re the only one who’ll listen…

 

  • Morning Bernie
  • Alright Bernadette
  • How’s things?
  • Grand
  • Any news?
  • Nothing? You?
  • You don’t look the best Bernie
  • You’re not looking too hot yourself Ber
  • I’m knackered to be honest
  • I know how you feel, it’s this bloody…
  • …diet
  • Ah I’m sick of it now
  • Me too. All I can think of is food
  • …and how to get out of excercising
  • Why do you put yourself through it Bernie?
  • Fucked if I know Ber…all this shite just to get into a swimsuit for a week in Toremolinos
  • We can’t give up but, not while everyone is watching
  • ”We know you can do it Bernie” ”You’re doing great Bernie”
  • …while they stuff their faces in front of you
  • Fuckers
  • Yeah…fuckers
  • You don’t have to tell them you’ve given up
  • They’ll know, they watch every bit you put into your mouth
  • ”There goes your diet Bernie…I knew you wouldn’t stick it Bernie” I can hear them now
  • People only believe what they see…and they don’t have to see everything
  • No they don’t, do they?
  • Oh look it’s breakfast time? What are we having today Bernie? Muesli? Quinoa porridge? kitty litter on toast?
  • I fancy a dirty big rasher sandwich on white bread
  • Lovely…with ketchup
  • And a large mug of tea
  • Good woman
  • Diet my arse Bernie
  • Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Yeah it is isn’t it…one rasher or two?

Lovely

rasher sandwich

 

 

 

Obituary of a dieting housewife #AtoZChallenge

O

Best know for her love of karaoke and vodka shots, Bernie Rose Violet lived a full and happy life…until she decided to go on a diet.

”That was the day the music died for me” Bernie said, as she nibbled on a celery stick, and sipped her low cal iced water with a dash of lime.

Her husband Jimmy, who offered to diet alongside Bernie, is inconsolable, but vows to respect Bernie’s wishes

”Life just stopped having any meaning for me, once I gave up chipper chips and breakfast rolls. I mean, where is the excitement in cottage cheese and cabbage soup?” said Jimmy. ”Some days, I feel I just can’t go on, but a promise is a promise. Bernie herself reminded me of that, the last time I saw her … before she left for her slimming world weigh in”.

Bernie urged her friends not to be sad for her

”I know I’m going to a better place. A skinnier place. A place without muffin tops and bingo wings. A place where I can wear skinny jeans and bikinis without being laughed at by skinny bitches; for I too will be that skinny bitch. So don’t cry for me dear friends. I know it will be difficult but just remember…

Dieting is nothing at all ( it’s bloody hard)

It does not count ( but the calories do)

I have just slipped into the next room (upstairs in the centre beside the ladies jax)

Nothing has happened (yet)

Everything is exactly as it was (still fat)

I am I and you are you (jealous or what!)

Life means all that it ever meant ( except I’ll be skinnier)

Laugh as we always laughed (except at my fat arse)

Pray for me ( I’m dying for a chicken curry and a spice bag)

Nothing is lost ( please god a few pounds by next week)

How we shall laugh, when we meet again ( when I’m body beautiful)

Bernie is remembered by her family and friends, especially her unislim pals Marjorie and Tina, who gave up after two days. Bernie refused to give up with them, although they begged her

”Don’t cry for me Marge and Tina …the truth is I never left you, All through my wild days, my mad existence… I kept my promise…I kept my promise” Bernie Rose Violet (Dublin housewife)

”She was always a fucking drama Queen” Jimmy Violet (starving husband)

Until We Meet Again

e

That’s snow way to treat a lady

So storm Emma has fecked off, the beast has gone back east and homes all over Ireland has enough loaves of bread in their freezers to do them until next Christmas. It was fun while it lasted. We didn’t starve, we didn’t eat each other…except metaphorically of course, we trudged to the pub in our wellies to meet our stalwart friends who also braved the elements (jaysis we’d do anything for a few pints) and fell back home, falling occasionally into ditches,( but then we do that every Saturday night ) and now we’re dealing with the big thaw.

Because I never go anywhere without my car, and that was stuck under a mountain of snow, I had to walk to the local shop and I met neighbours I haven’t seen in months. It was great catching up on all the local goings on.

Storm Emma brought a great sense of community to the country. Everyone helped out by shopping for elderly neighbours, helping to clear driveways and generally being nicer people. Maisie said it was like during the war when people had feck all but shared it anyway. (go figure!)

So, I had that warm and second world war during the blitzy feeling, baking bread soup ( ok the bread was from SuperValu and already half baked and the soup was from a packet, but still…) Then, Saturday morning there was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, there was two young lads with shovels over their shoulders…

  • Howya missus
  • Alright lads, what can I do for you?
  • No missus, it’s what we can do for you
  • And what might that be?
  • We’re going to clear your driveway
  • Ah that’s nice of you. How much are you charging?
  • Ah no missus, no charge
  • Aww that’s nice of you
  • No bother missus. We’re doing it for all the old people in the area

 

I was not amused. Maisie thought it was hilarious.

“Getting old hurts doesn’t it Bernie?” says she

Wagon!!

 

snow

 

Bread and Milk ; sure what else would you need in preparation for a snow storm?

I’m just back from the shops. It’s like Christmas Eve 1975 down there. People panic buying anything they can get their hands on. There’s not a slice of bread left on the shelves in SuperValu, not even a scone to be got. They’ve sold out of milk  as well. What is wrong with people, and why is it always bread and milk they panic over?

OK so there’s a storm on the way. We’ve got a five day weather warning, but jaysis how many bleedin’ sliced pans are you going to eat in five days? I got talking to a neighbour at the check out. She could barely push her trolley

 

  • There y’are Bernie, are you all set?
  • Hiya Mrs. Burke, am I set for what?
  • For the  beast from the east
  • Ah stop, I’m sick listening about it. A few days snow is all it is
  • Do you not remember the big snow of 1982 Bernie?
  • Yeah, I remember the bread man being hijacked on his delivery round
  • No one was prepared. People turned to crime due to starvation
  • They weren’t starving. They were just little gobshites on the rob
  • They were probably just trying to feed their family Bernie
  • My arse…They ate all the cream cakes and sold the bread for three times what it was worth, the little skangers
  • Well then, I only have to pay supermarket prices. At least I won’t be ripped off
  • Ye think? When was the last time you needed all that bread? Sure the shelves will be stocked up again in no time. It’s the supermarkets that are scaremongering people into stock piling
  • You just never know Bernie. You don’t have much shopping in your basket;Were there no trolleys left?
  • I don’t need much. I only came in for a few bits
  • A jar of coffee and and a tray of coke won’t  get you far
  • I’ve got vodka at home, but you have enough to feed the five thousand Mrs. B
  • Well you can’t be too careful. God knows when the shops will be open again
  • The shops aren’t closing
  • Well they’ll have to if they’ve no food on the shelves
  • They’ll only have no food if people keep panic buying. How many loaves of bread have you got in there
  • Twelve; I don’t want to be caught out
  • I thought all your family emigrated
  • That’s right Bernie,there’s just meself and himself left
  • You must like bread then?
  • It’s handy for sandwiches
  • Emm…yeah, whatever
  • And nice with a drop of soup
  • Right, and I see you’ve bought a few packets of soup as well ( There were at least 15 packets in her trolley)
  • Himself likes soup
  • Lets hope  there’s not a water shortage then
  • Oh I never thought of that
  • I’m only messin’ with you missus B.
  • Here will you watch my trolley for a few minutes, I just want to run back  and get a few bottles of water

( she came back with two twelve packs of still bottled water)

  • Are you sure you have enough there love?
  • I’ll ring himself and get him to pick up a few more on his way home from work

(Some people just don’t get sarcasm )

  • Better to be safe than sorry
  • Here do you want one of me batch loaves Bernie? Was there no bread left for you?
  • No, you’re grand  missus. I only bought a Vienna roll in the bakers earlier
  • Only one? Seriously? Jesus, that’s not enough, here take one of mine…no take two.
  • No, I told you, I’m grand
  • I insist
  • No, honestly. Oh look the self service check out is open again. I’ll see you later missus Burke
  • Here put this bread in your basket
  • No, you’re grand, honestly
  • Please
  • No
  • Take a bit of bread will you for God’s sake
  • Jesus , calm down will you missus, I don’t need anymore bread
  • Just take the one then Bernie
  • I wouldn’t like to see you leaving yourself short ( sarcasm again )
  • I’ll be grand. I have another four in the deep freeze at home
  • I don’t want … ah fuck it…

 

I came home with two of her sliced pans, a batch loaf and four litres of milk. Now Jimmy thinks I’m part of the panic buying brigade…but sure, like yer woman said..you never know.

 

shelves1

 

No cure for stupid…Aussie Rules

blonde meme

So the entire house was struck down with this winter flu bug. Christmas came and went in a fog of coughs and fevers . It’s like it never even happened. The Christmas tree only came down yesterday and I feel like Santa hasn’t even arrived yet. Today was my first day out. I was going stir crazy in the house so I walked to Spar to get some more  Lemsips. Madonna O’Reilly’s daughter was serving behind the counter

  • Ah hello Mrs. Violet, how are you?
  • There y’are Mandy. I didn’t know you worked here
  • I only started last week. Me ma knows the owner, she got me in ’cause I wasn’t arsed going back to school
  • How is Mad Mary?
  • Who?
  • Your ma…Our Kylie always called her Mad Mary
  • Why
  • MADonna Mary…
  • Oh yeah, ha good one Mrs. Violet. Me da just calls her Donna, but yeah you’re right she is a bit mad alright. So, what can I get for you?
  •  A large packet of Lemsips please. We’re all at the tail end of that Aussie flu
  • You do look a bit rough alright
  • Thanks Mandy
  • Ah you usually look fab, it’s that flu, it’s killing us
  • Tell me about it. I feel as if I’ve done ten rounds with Conor McGregor
  • Everyone seems to have caught it. They’re dropping like flies up me mas estate, and you know I don’t think any of them have been to Australia recently. Me ma thinks it’s in the water
  • Is that right?
  • Why do we always get other countries diseases ?
  • What do you mean?
  • Well last year it was Hong Kong flu. This year it’s Australian flu. I hope they find a cure for it, not like that man flu. My granny says that’s incurable, isn’t that shocking?
  • Nothing shocks me anymore Mandy
  • You know,when I was small I had German measles. My ma  said she’s never been to Germany in her life. She doesn’t know how I picked it up
  • But…
  • Then there’s that Impetigo
  • That’s a skin rash Mand
  • Yeah from Impitego…that’s in Brazil or one of them countries isn’t it?
  • Did you say you weren’t going back to school love?
  • Yeah, sure I was learning nothing.
  • You don’t say?
  • School of life for me now Mrs. V. Just like me ma
  • Are you a natural blonde like your ma aswell Mandy?
  • I am, why do you ask?
  • Oh no reason
  • Well to be fair me ma does have a few highlights
  • What are they Mandy…A few vodkas and karaoke of a Saturday night?…haha
  • No, she has highlights in her hair I meant
  • Oh I know what you meant. Here…give us a packet of paracetamol with them Lemsips  please
  • Aw have you got a headache Mrs. V?
  • I’m getting one Mandy…I’m getting one

 

Did you ever wish you’d just stayed in bed?

Daydreamer

My sister Phillo is heartbroken today. David Cassidy was her teenage idol. She had posters of him all over the bedroom wall and on the ceiling.  Da used to go mad at her for ripping the paint off  with the sellotape…

 

David Cassidy 2

  • David Cassidy but Bernie, can you believe it?
  • Too sad Phillo…too sad
  • When I hear him singing, it’s like I’m fourteen again
  • I remember you and your mates going mad for him on The Partridge Family
  • Keith, he was gorgeous
  • Keith?
  • Keith Partridge, that was his name in the show
  • Ah I’m a bit too young to remember that Phillo
  • Feck off, you’re not that much younger than me
  • I do remember him on Top of The Pops alright
  • My teenage crush
  • Da said he looked like a girl
  • The cheek of him
  • Just because he had long hair
  • …and wore a pink shirt
  • Sure aren’t all the young fellas wearing pink shirts these days
  • Da had one himself sure
  • Oh god yeah, someone bought it for him for Christmas
  • I think it was auntie Marilyn
  • Trust her, but at least it didn’t have flowers on it
  • He was dead himself before the following year
  • Probably thinking he’d rather die than wear that yoke again
  • I think he actually did say that to ma
  • Jaysis, you just don’t know do you?
  • He was no David Cassidy but was he? Lord have mercy on him
  • More David Letterman really Phillo
  • Still, David Cassidy Bernie. He was so young
  • Same age as da
  • ..and we thought he was an aulfella
  • Remember when he forgot the words of the song and we all that he was drunk
  • Was that at aunty Betty’s birthday party?
  • Not Da, ye big eejit…David Cassidy
  • Oh right yea, he fell off the stage didn’t he?, God love him.
  • Turned out he had dementia and was on medication
  • People are so quick to judge without knowing the facts aren’t they but?
  • Eh hello, you were one who said “Look at David Cassidy out of his box on stage”
  • Well you expect it with famous people don’t you? Being drunk onstage like. You don’t think of them being sick. He was really sick.
  • Rest in peace David
  • Sleep tight David… I think I love you   ❤