Obituary of a dieting housewife #AtoZChallenge

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Best know for her love of karaoke and vodka shots, Bernie Rose Violet lived a full and happy life…until she decided to go on a diet.

”That was the day the music died for me” Bernie said, as she nibbled on a celery stick, and sipped her low cal iced water with a dash of lime.

Her husband Jimmy, who offered to diet alongside Bernie, is inconsolable, but vows to respect Bernie’s wishes

”Life just stopped having any meaning for me, once I gave up chipper chips and breakfast rolls. I mean, where is the excitement in cottage cheese and cabbage soup?” said Jimmy. ”Some days, I feel I just can’t go on, but a promise is a promise. Bernie herself reminded me of that, the last time I saw her … before she left for her slimming world weigh in”.

Bernie urged her friends not to be sad for her

”I know I’m going to a better place. A skinnier place. A place without muffin tops and bingo wings. A place where I can wear skinny jeans and bikinis without being laughed at by skinny bitches; for I too will be that skinny bitch. So don’t cry for me dear friends. I know it will be difficult but just remember…

Dieting is nothing at all ( it’s bloody hard)

It does not count ( but the calories do)

I have just slipped into the next room (upstairs in the centre beside the ladies jax)

Nothing has happened (yet)

Everything is exactly as it was (still fat)

I am I and you are you (jealous or what!)

Life means all that it ever meant ( except I’ll be skinnier)

Laugh as we always laughed (except at my fat arse)

Pray for me ( I’m dying for a chicken curry and a spice bag)

Nothing is lost ( please god a few pounds by next week)

How we shall laugh, when we meet again ( when I’m body beautiful)

Bernie is remembered by her family and friends, especially her unislim pals Marjorie and Tina, who gave up after two days. Bernie refused to give up with them, although they begged her

”Don’t cry for me Marge and Tina …the truth is I never left you, All through my wild days, my mad existence… I kept my promise…I kept my promise” Bernie Rose Violet (Dublin housewife)

”She was always a fucking drama Queen” Jimmy Violet (starving husband)

Until We Meet Again

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19 thoughts on “Obituary of a dieting housewife #AtoZChallenge

  1. Oh dear Bernie ! I died laughing reading this obituary…. don’t let your diet kill you … I’m waiting to read P, Q, R and the rest of the alphabets …. thank God you haven’t lost your sense of humour along with those stubborn pounds

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Will you write my obituary for me, and save it for forty years or so? Nothing like going out with a good laugh. Thank you for the laughter, Bern. We’ll miss ye.

    Liked by 1 person

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