Seven o’clock this morning and I hear the front door opening. I come down the stairs, and there’s Whitney and Koko heading out before the dawn.

• Where are you two sneaking off to? I thought we were being burgled.
• We’re going Christmas shopping.
• It’s October.
• Shops are closed tonight, ma, for six weeks.
• It’s still dark out.
• We’re going before the queues start.
• The shops don’t even open until nine, did you even get a cup of tea?
• We have coffee and muffins with us.
• You two are bloody mad, you know that?
• Wonder where we got that from?
• Don’t be cheeky.
• Do you want anything while we’re out, ma?
• I’ll text you my list and send you money on Revolut.
• And you wonder why we were trying to sneak out?
• Go on, and go to Penneys first, it’s going to be mental there today.
• Maybe you should come with us, ma.
• Leave out, Whitney. I don’t have time for that carry on.
• You’re going back to bed aren’t you?
• Too bloody right I am.

I was right, it is mental out there. The world has gone mad, and I’m not far behind.