Obituary of a dieting housewife (again!) #AtoZ

O2020

A couple of years ago (when I was on the big mad diet) I wrote my own obituary ( I was dying of starvation)

I’m being a lazy wagon again today ( I am in recovery you know, haha)so I’m resharing in order to catch up on my AtoZ challenge. I’m still a couple of days behind, so bear with me…I’m getting there.

*************************

Best know for her love of karaoke and vodka shots, Bernie Rose Violet lived a full and happy life…until she decided to go on a diet.

”That was the day the music died for me” Bernie said, as she nibbled on a celery stick, and sipped her low cal iced water with a dash of lime.

Her husband Jimmy, who offered to diet alongside Bernie, is inconsolable, but vows to respect Bernie’s wishes

”Life just stopped having any meaning for me, once I gave up chipper chips and breakfast rolls. I mean, where is the excitement in cottage cheese and cabbage soup?” said Jimmy. ”Some days, I feel I just can’t go on, but a promise is a promise. Bernie herself reminded me of that, the last time I saw her … before she left for her slimming world weigh in”.

Bernie urged her friends not to be sad for her

”I know I’m going to a better place. A skinnier place. A place without muffin tops and bingo wings. A place where I can wear skinny jeans and bikinis without being laughed at by skinny bitches; for I too will be that skinny bitch. So don’t cry for me dear friends. I know it will be difficult but just remember…

Dieting is nothing at all ( it’s bloody hard)

It does not count ( but the calories do)

I have just slipped into the next room (upstairs in the community centre beside the ladies jax)

Nothing has happened (yet)

Everything is exactly as it was (still fat)

I am I and you are you (jealous or what!)

Life means all that it ever meant ( except I’ll be skinnier)

Laugh as we always laughed (except at my fat arse)

Pray for me ( I’m dying for a chicken curry and a spice bag)

Nothing is lost ( please god a few pounds by next week)

How we shall laugh, when we meet again ( when I’m body beautiful)

Bernie is remembered by her family and friends, especially her unislim pals Marjorie and Tina, who gave up after two days. Bernie refused to give up with them, although they begged her.

”Don’t cry for me Marge and Tina …the truth is I never left you, All through my wild days, my mad existence… I kept my promise…I kept my promise” Bernie Rose Violet (Dublin housewife)

”She was always a fucking drama Queen” Jimmy Violet (starving husband)

 

Maybe I should review and rewrite since my survival of the covid19?

( I think Jimmy is right….fucking drama queen)  😉

 

20 thoughts on “Obituary of a dieting housewife (again!) #AtoZ

  1. This is hysterically human, while also an implicit reminder that any goal we work toward should really be worth it! It’s so easy to fixate on goals that will only boost our ego or appearance, when our worth is so much more than those temporary things. Thanks for this!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, Bernie, can I call you Bernie? Life is suddenly brighter having read this hilarious post. I have been there and done that. I woke up wondering what joys lockdown had in store and found this. Loved it, thank you 💜 have a great day💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What I love the most about this post is your name Bernie. Do you really have both Rose and Violet as middle and last names or are you just teasing me?
    I’d love a name like that–goes so well with the joy you bring with your humorous words.
    Cheer.

    Liked by 1 person

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