Julie rang me for a chat last night…

• I’ve been meaning to ask you, Bernie. What ever happened with the Delilah one?
• Who?
• Danny from across the road’s sister.
• Delilah was her cat.
• Oh right, the one the husband killed.
• Allegedly.
• Well, whatever her name is. Any sign?
• It’s Denise. I’ve never seen her.
• I’m surprised at you, Miss Marple. I was sure your curtains would be on high twitch.
• Jimmy keeps telling me to get away from the window.
• It’s your window, tell him to shag off.
• I did, he said I’m getting more like me ma every day.
• What? Being concerned for your neighbours?
• No, being a nosey bitch.
• Cheeky fecker. So, where is she then?
• I asked Danny yesterday.
• Good woman. Jessica Fletcher would be proud.
• No she wouldn’t. I’m still in the dark. Danny said I’m safer not knowing in case anyone starts asking questions.
• Very mysterious. Who’d be asking questions?
• Her husband, who else? He’s fuming that she did a moonlight flit after burning his passport.
• Well, he wont be turning up without a passport.
• He got a new one and was on his doorstep within the week. Danny gave him short shrift.
• What does he look like? I imagine him with red hair, like Jasper Carrott.
• Jasper Carrott is bald, Julie.
• Is he? I’m sure he had red hair when he was younger though.
• Well, I didn’t see him so he could have dreadlocks for all I know.
• I can’t believe you didn’t see him.
• It must have been when we were in Spain. I missed all the action.
• Was there action? I’d be raging I missed it.
• Alice next door said she heard whistling, and an engine revving really loudly one night but by the time she got to the window she just saw a car speeding up the road.
• Very mysterious, Bernie. Why would Jasper be whistling? Do you think he has an accomplice he was signaling to?
• He’s looking for his wife, Julie, not trying to catch a criminal. Alice’s hearing aids are a bit dodgy, she hears whistling all the time.
• Ah poor Alice. She loves a bit of excitement.
• She’s not the only one. Is your Netflix down again Jules?
• Says you, Mrs. Sticky Beak.
• I’m only curious.
• Yeah right. Anyway, I wonder how he got a new passport so quickly. I was waiting months for mine.
• Well, it turns out aul Jasper is a copper…a detective actually. So he was able to get one quick smart.
• How did he know where Danny lives? I thought that was top secret.
• I told you… he’s a detective.
• So, did he find his missus?
• Not yet.
• Not much of a detective then is he?
• That’s what Jimmy said. Even so, he told me to mind my own business. He thinks there’s something shady about Jasper
• Well, maybe he’s right. Jasper sounds as dodgy as Alices hearing aids.

The thick plottens…