I bought a new dress down the market for my birthday. I liked it at the time but wasn’t sure about it when I got it home. I made the mistake of asking Jimmy’s opinion…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • I’m not answering that Bernie
  • Why not?
  • It’s an incriminating question
  • How is it incriminating?
  • Because any answer I give will be wrong
  • I just want a simple yes or no Jimmy
  • If I say yes, you’ll be in a mood, if I say no, you’ll say I’m lying
  • Just tell the truth for fuck sake
  • You can’t handle the truth Bernie
  • Fuck off Jimmy Violet, are you saying I’ve a big arse?
  • I said nothing of the sort
  • You said I couldn’t handle the truth
  • I was only winding you up
  • Well I’m not in the mood for your wind ups
  • See what I mean. I haven’t said yes or no and I’m in trouble anyway
  • Because you haven’t given me a straight answer
  • No
  • No what?
  • It doesn’t look big
  • You’re just saying that now to make me feel better
  • Yes then
  • So it does look big. How big? Is it huge?Like a heifer?
  • No, more like a small calf
  • You’re a bastard Jimmy
  • For fuck sake Bernie, I’m only messin’ I told you. It doesn’t look big, it doesn’t look huge and you don’t look like a heifer… or a calf, alright?
  • Well why did you say  it then?
  • Because  no matter what I say, you’re not happy. there’s just no pleasing you
  • I don’t know why I ask your opinion on anything
  • I don’t know either Bernie
  • I won’t be asking again
  • Thank fuck for that
  • Did you even buy me a birthday present?
  • I bought you a ring
  • Ah Jimmy, really. The silver one you promised me for my little finger
  • No, I got you one for your nose love
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious
  • I do me best Bernie

You’re some gobshite Jimmy!

heifer with ring

6 thoughts on “Heifer

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