Fatty New Year



  • Oh hello Bernadette, come in,
  • Hiya Geraldine, Jimmy said you were looking for me
  • Yes, I thought it would be nice to spend more time together. We’ve been sister in laws for a long time and we hardly ever see each other
  • Oh yeah right, and what brought this on then?
  • Well I reckon its time for making some resolutions
  • Oh so I’m one of your resolutions am I?
  • Well sort of
  • So what’s on your list then?
  • I’ve only three things so far 1. Start a diet. 2. Exercise more. 3. Give up drink.
  • For fuck sake Ger. Will you leave it out
  • What?
  •  1. There’s not a pick on you. 2. You already do yoga, Pilates, spin class and speed walking every other day. 3. You don’t even drink
  • Thanks for the encouragement Bernie. I was going to ask you to join me
  • Join you in what?
  • My New Years list
  • Thanks a bunch Ger. With in laws like you who needs a slap from someone else
  • What?
  • You telling me I need to lose weight, exercise more and give up the drink
  • Well you were complaining over Christmas  about your clothes being too tight. So if you go on a diet and walk with me everyday and stop going to the pub so often, you’ll lose loads.
  • Me go to the pub so often? Maybe you should be talking to your husband, not me
  • I’m only trying to help Bernadette
  • This list of yours
  • Yeah, what about it?
  • It sounds like a list for me…are you writing that list for me?
  • No
  • Are you saying I’m fat?
  • Not fat exactly, but…
  • Are you saying I’m not fit?
  • Well…
  • Are you saying I drink too much?
  • Well…
  • What am I? your New Years project?
  • I was only trying to help
  • If I needed help,  which I dont! You’re the last person I’d be calling, the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • I just thought we could do stuff together
  • You’re already doing everything on that list, so why write it down and show it to me? I’m not an eejit Geraldine
  • Ah just forget the list Bernie
  • No I won’t forget it … STRING BEAN GERALDINE
  • I beg your pardon?
  • That’s what everyone calls you
  • That’s not very nice
  • Hurts doesn’t it Ger? What am I ? BIG ARSE BERNIE?
  • I never said that?
  • You may as well have Geraldine, now if you’ll excuse me, I told Jimmy I’d meet him for lunch…IN THE PUB, if you don’t mind. I was going to ask you if yourself and Anto wanted to join us.
  • We’d love to have lunch with you and Jimmy, come on  I’ll drive, I’ll just go call Anthony
  • Forget it Geraldine, I’ll walk…burn a few  inches off my fat arse before I stuff my face and skull a feed of pints
  • I never said you’d a fat arse
  • You’ve said enough Geraldine. I’m not one of your lost causes
  • I’m sorry Bernadette
  • You’d better add number four to your list while you’re at it
  • What’s that?
  • Find some other gobshite to spin with
  • But Bernadette…
  • But nothing. Goodbye,and mind you don’t fall down any drains while you’re out running.

The nerve of her, skinny bitch!!



Door knobs and Broomsticks

Jimmy hates Hallowe’en so I knew when we were invited to the party last Saturday he wouldn’t go. Ye can’t blame a girl for tryin’ but can ye?


Are you dressin’ up for this party or wha’ Jimmy?

I am in me hole Bernie.

But it’s a fancy dress party Jimmy, you have to.

I said I’m not dressin’ up, end of story.

You’re such a dry shite sometimes Jimmy Violet.

What? ‘Cos I won’t put on a bleedin’ mask or wear a woman’s dress?

You don’t have to wear a mask, although it would be an improvement.

Very funny Bernie, you’re bleedin’ hilarious.

It’s only a bit of fun, why can’t ye dress up?

Dressin’ up is for kids

Well you’re a big kid at the best of times so what’s the big deal?

I said I’m not dressin’ up and makin’ a gobshite out of meself  Bernie, now leave it out will ye.

You’d make a great dracula Jimmy.

What makes you say that Bernie?

Because you’re such a pain in the bleedin’ neck.

I’ll just go to the pub then and you can  go to the party without me.

Stop bein’ such a bleedin’ spoon Jimmy,everyone will be asking where you are.

Just tell them I’m at the bar

But they’ll see you’re not at the bar

Tell them I’m dressed up as the Invisible Man then.

Even your brother is dressin’ up

Anto? Sure that fella is nuttier than a squirrels shite.

No. Ray I mean. He’s goin’ as an American football player.

Fair balls to him

Are you really not comin’?

No, but I’ll give you a lift as far as Julies. We can’t have you walkin’ down the road frightenin’ all the kids can we?

I’m not gettin’ dressed up until I get to Julies.

I know Bernie.

Fuck off Jimmy. I’ll make me own way.

Grand. I’ll just get your broomstick from under the stairs for ye.

You’re such a door knob Jimmy Violet.



I bought a new dress down the market for my birthday. I liked it at the time but wasn’t sure about it when I got it home. I made the mistake of asking Jimmy’s opinion…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • I’m not answering that Bernie
  • Why not?
  • It’s an incriminating question
  • How is it incriminating?
  • Because any answer I give will be wrong
  • I just want a simple yes or no Jimmy
  • If I say yes, you’ll be in a mood, if I say no, you’ll say I’m lying
  • Just tell the truth for fuck sake
  • You can’t handle the truth Bernie
  • Fuck off Jimmy Violet, are you saying I’ve a big arse?
  • I said nothing of the sort
  • You said I couldn’t handle the truth
  • I was only winding you up
  • Well I’m not in the mood for your wind ups
  • See what I mean. I haven’t said yes or no and I’m in trouble anyway
  • Because you haven’t given me a straight answer
  • No
  • No what?
  • It doesn’t look big
  • You’re just saying that now to make me feel better
  • Yes then
  • So it does look big. How big? Is it huge?Like a heifer?
  • No, more like a small calf
  • You’re a bastard Jimmy
  • For fuck sake Bernie, I’m only messin’ I told you. It doesn’t look big, it doesn’t look huge and you don’t look like a heifer… or a calf, alright?
  • Well why did you say  it then?
  • Because  no matter what I say, you’re not happy. there’s just no pleasing you
  • I don’t know why I ask your opinion on anything
  • I don’t know either Bernie
  • I won’t be asking again
  • Thank fuck for that
  • Did you even buy me a birthday present?
  • I bought you a ring
  • Ah Jimmy, really. The silver one you promised me for my little finger
  • No, I got you one for your nose love
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious
  • I do me best Bernie

You’re some gobshite Jimmy!

heifer with ring