In bits

I (1)


  • Mornin’ Bernie
  • Mornin’ Marie
  • Lovely mornin’ isn’t it
  • Stop shoutin’ will ye
  • I’m not shoutin’
  • Well lower your voice a few decibels will ye
  • What’s wrong with you?
  • I’m dyin’
  • Hungover ye mean
  • I feel like a bag of lego Marie
  • Do ye?
  • Ye …in bits
  • Ye should’ve stayed in bed
  • I should’ve done a lot of tings
  • Sit down and I’ll make ye a cuppa
  • Tanks Marie. I’m never drinkin’ again
  • You say dat every Monday mornin’
  • I mean it dis time. I’m gettin’ too old for dis lark. It was dat bleedin’ Captain Morgans did this
  • Good aul Captain Morgan
  • Deffo never again
  • What about Breda’s birthday?
  • When is it?
  • Friday night
  • Ah I’ll be grand by den. Two sugars der Marie. Tanks hun

We’ll always have Paris

paris 1

Remember Paris Bernie?

I’ll never forget Jimmy.

It was a great weekend.

The best birthday ever.

Hard to believe what happened there on Friday night.

Unbelievable Jimmy.

The murderin’ bastards.

It’s not right Jimmy. The world is gone mad.

Stone mad Bernie. What’s got into them at all?

All those innocent people gunned down for no reason.

That could have been any of our kids at that concert or at that football match.

It could have been us enjoyin’ a quiet meal and a few scoops.

Shockin’ Bernie; Shockin’.

…and in the city of love too.

Remember the night we went on the bateau mouche?

I do,it was so romantic Jimmy, with the Eiffel tower lit up in the distance. It was the best night of my life.

Even better than the night we got married

Fuck off Jimmy, you fell asleep that night.

Did I? I cant remember.

I know, you were locked.

I remember the next morning tho’.

Shurrup Jimmy, I’m scarleh.

Paris tho’ Bernie. Paris was great. I didn’t fall asleep when we got to Paris.

I know you didn’t Jimmy. Sure you had me worn out.

With all the sight seeing Ber?

I saw some sights that weekend.

Ye can see them again Ber, any time.

I’d be afraid to go back to Paris just yet Jimmy.

Who’s talkin’ about goin’ back to Paris Ber?

Ye durty bugger.

Get away, ye love it.

Remember walkin’ down the Champs Élysées?

The long street from the Arch?

The Arc de Triomphe Jimmy.

That’s the one. I remember it well, me feet were in bits from all the walkin’.

Then we had a lovely meal in that posh restaurant, and drinks afterwards outside the pavement café.

Just think of all those innocent people out for a stroll and a drink last Friday Ber. They never knew what was comin’.

I still can’t believe it Jimmy. What’s the world come to when people can’t just enjoy a night out in peace?

There’s some fuckin’ loopers out there Bernie.

Fuckin’ head cases Jimmy.

God knows where they’ll hit next.

I’m scared to go anywhere, even into town to do me Christmas shopping.

It’s scary aright, when people can’t walk the streets for fear of being gunned down by these fuckers.

God bless all the innocent people of Paris.

…and the hundreds that were injured aswell.

Paris bu’ Jimmy. Paris was our city.

It still is Bernie

You’re right Jimmy

We’ll always have Paris Bernie

Je suis Paris.




I bought a new dress down the market for my birthday. I liked it at the time but wasn’t sure about it when I got it home. I made the mistake of asking Jimmy’s opinion…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • I’m not answering that Bernie
  • Why not?
  • It’s an incriminating question
  • How is it incriminating?
  • Because any answer I give will be wrong
  • I just want a simple yes or no Jimmy
  • If I say yes, you’ll be in a mood, if I say no, you’ll say I’m lying
  • Just tell the truth for fuck sake
  • You can’t handle the truth Bernie
  • Fuck off Jimmy Violet, are you saying I’ve a big arse?
  • I said nothing of the sort
  • You said I couldn’t handle the truth
  • I was only winding you up
  • Well I’m not in the mood for your wind ups
  • See what I mean. I haven’t said yes or no and I’m in trouble anyway
  • Because you haven’t given me a straight answer
  • No
  • No what?
  • It doesn’t look big
  • You’re just saying that now to make me feel better
  • Yes then
  • So it does look big. How big? Is it huge?Like a heifer?
  • No, more like a small calf
  • You’re a bastard Jimmy
  • For fuck sake Bernie, I’m only messin’ I told you. It doesn’t look big, it doesn’t look huge and you don’t look like a heifer… or a calf, alright?
  • Well why did you say  it then?
  • Because  no matter what I say, you’re not happy. there’s just no pleasing you
  • I don’t know why I ask your opinion on anything
  • I don’t know either Bernie
  • I won’t be asking again
  • Thank fuck for that
  • Did you even buy me a birthday present?
  • I bought you a ring
  • Ah Jimmy, really. The silver one you promised me for my little finger
  • No, I got you one for your nose love
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious
  • I do me best Bernie

You’re some gobshite Jimmy!

heifer with ring