Zodiac

Z

  • Will I read your horoscope Jimmy?
  • For what?
  • So you’ll know what’s in store for you today
  • I already know what’s in store for me today
  • You think you do
  • I know I do. I’m going to go to work, come home, have me dinner, watch a bit of telly, go for a pint, come home again, go to bed and go to sleep. I don’t need some aul one in a magazine telling me any different
  • It’s not some aul one, it’s Mystic Maura
  • Mystic Maura? Is that the best she could come up with?
  • That’s her name. Maura Maher. She predicts the future
  • Predict my arse. I plan me own future
  • But there could be forces at work that will conspire to get in the way of what you’re planning
  • Have you been out with Geraldine again?
  • No;why?
  • Because you’re beginning to sound like her
  • Your future is in the stars Jimmy
  • Ask me swiss roll Bernie. Me future is being late for work if I sit here listening to anymore of this shite.
  • You wouldn’t think it was shite if it came true
  • Next thing you’ll want to ‘fix me aura’ or ‘align me chackras’ like Geraldine does everytime she calls over with Anto
  • Fuck off Jimmy. I only wanted to read your horoscope
  • Ah for jasus sake go on then, hurry up
  • It says here that your fortune is due a turnaround
  • What the fuck does that mean?
  • You could be about to come in to money
  • I’d better go to the bookies on the way to the pub then Ber
  • I thought you didn’t believe in hososcopes?
  • Who am I to mess with the stars Bernie?
  • It also says to take your time with any adjustments in your life
  • I won’t book the Bahamas as soon as I collect me winnings then. I’ll wait ‘til the weekend
  • …listen to your dreams, they will lead the way
  • I’m dreaming of a nice creamy pint right now Ber, does this mean I should go to the pub instead of going to work then?
  • Oh get out to work Jimmy, you’re getting on me nerves now
  • What does your horoscope say Bernie?
  • It says be wary of gobshites
  • Ah here Bernie, leave it out
  • No, you’re always slagging me
  • I am not. I just don’t believe all that mumbo jumbo
  • It’s only a bleedin’ horoscope
  • No one can predict your future Ber
  • It’s just a bit of fun. I like reading it
  • I don’t know why. You only believe it if it ‘s good news. When it’s bad you say it’s a pile of shite
  • I do not
  • You do so. Life isn’t like that Ber. You have to take the bad with the good
  • Well the bad news is you were right about being late for work
  • Ah for fuck sake, look at the time
  • The good news is, I’ll see you later
  • Is that a threat or a promise?
  • It’s whatever you want it to be
  • Ooh saucy, am I on a promise then Ber?
  • It’s written in the stars Jimmy
  • I’ll be home early then
  • I bet you will, ye dirtbird

Who knows what the future holds  🙂

Advertisements

Weeble

W

I was just dozing of when the doorbell rang. Fuckin’ Jimmy went out without his key again and of course everyone else was conveniently be asleep so I had to get up…again, to let him in. I found him wobbling on the front step like a bleedin’ weeble

  • Have you no key?
  • I forgot it
  • You do this every time
  • What?
  • Wake me up when you come in pissed
  • I’m not pissed
  • And I’m not wearing pyjamas Get in will you, you’re like a bleedin’ weeble
  • What?
  • Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down
  • I never fall down
  • One of these days you will
  • Sorry Ber
  • I think you do it on purpose
  • I do not
  • I told you to bring your key when you were leaving
  • I thought it was in my pocket
  • Anyway, you said you’d be back in an hour
  • That was the plan Ber
  • That’s always the plan
  • I only had two pints and just as I was leaving…
  • …Mick came in and bought you a pint
  • No actually, Ray did
  • …and you had to buy one back for him
  • Well it’s only polite
  • …then he bought you another one
  • Well you know Ray, he never has enough
  • …and you couldn’t say no
  • It’s rude to refuse Bernie

guinness

Tea

T

What is it about tea that Irish people think it solves all problems?

I’m pregnant…have a cup of tea

I crashed the car…you need a nice strong cup of tea for your nerves

My fella broke up with me…he didn’t deserve you love, sit down and I’ll make you a cup of tea, you can tell me all about it

Me granny died…Lord rest her, I’ll make a pot of tea

Jimmy came home one evening in a rotten mood

  • What’s wrong with you?
  • Nothing
  • There must be something wrong Jimmy, you’re like a demon
  • I am not
  • You are so
  • I might be out of a job
  • What? How?
  • It’s this bleedin’ recession Bernie. There’s no work
  • I thought you were up to your eyes building houses
  • We were
  • So what happened?
  • No one is buying houses anymore
  • Of course they are
  • Well they want to buy them but the bank isn’t lending them money so they can’t
  • Fucking bankers
  • My sentiments exactly Bernie
  • So when are you finished work?
  • We’ve a meeting with the union on Monday
  • So it’s not definite?
  • Nothing is definite, but it’s looking bad
  • That’s shocking Jimmy
  • I know. I’ve been working with them for the past twenty five years. What am I going to do?
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • What?
  • I’ll make you a nice cup of tea
  • Fuck tea. I’m going for a pint
  • Right so
  • Are you coming?
  • Are you not meeting the lads?
  • I am, but you come too
  • Ah no, you go on
  • Right so. I won’t be long
  • Take your time Jimmy
  • See you later Bernie

Some problems need tea, but some problems definitely need a pint

guinness

Dry

 

 

D

The pubs and off licences are all closed on Good Friday. Jimmy is not a bit pleased. You’d swear they were never going to open again. He’s been pacing the house like a caged tiger all day.

 

  • Sit down Jimmy will ye. You’re making me dizzy
  • I’ve a pain in me arse sitting down Bernie
  • Well go out for a walk then
  • A walk where?
  • I don’t know. The park, the shops, your ma’s
  • The park will be full of kids. The shops will be full of crazy shoppers stocking up  as if they were expecting a nuclear attack instead of a long weekend…and me ma will be at the church all day doing the stations of the cross
  • Well go out and do the garden then
  • Ah, it’s too damp out to cut the grass
  • Do a bit of weeding then
  • Ah me back is not the best today Bernie, I’ll only make it worse if I bend down
  • Well do something Jimmy ‘cause you’re getting on my nerves
  • Well if the bleedin’ pubs were open I could go for a pint
  • I knew that’s what was wrong with you. It’s only one day Jimmy for fuck sake
  • Yeah, the one day I’m off work and can actually go for a pint, I can’t
  • You go for a pint every night Jimmy
  • Not tonight tho’ Bernie. Even Jesus had a pint at the last supper.
  • He did not Jimmy
  • Well, he had wine then
  • Not in a pub tho’
  • It’s ridiculous that they keep the pubs closed of a good Friday in this day and age. My mouth is as dry as bleedin’ Ghandi’s flip- flop
  • Have a can from the fridge if you’re that desperate
  • It’s not the same Bernie. I’m not a house drinker. I like the ambience of the pub with me mates
  • The ambience? The smell of beer and farts in that bar would knock you out sometimes
  • It’s not that bad Bernie
  • The gas emmisions would turn the air blue
  • Don’t exaggerate
  • Well, you probably do most of the farting Jimmy so you wouldn’t notice
  • You’re very pass remarkable today. I suppose yours smell of roses
  • Rose by name rose by nature Jimmy
  • What does that make me then Bernie?
  • Well they do say violets are blue
  • You’re hilarious
  • If the cap fits Jimmy
  • Fuck off, I’m going to get a can

Roll on Saturday!

guinness

It must be love

hearts

There was a lovely film on the telly last night with Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler… The ultimate rom com.

He wasn’t a bit amused

  • I’m not watching this shite Bernie
  • It’s not shite. It’s romantic Jimmy
  • Romantic my arse
  • It is. Look at them, they don’t realise they love each other
  • And we know they end up together at the end of the movie
  • I like knowing they’re going to end up together
  • But what’s the point of watching it if you know what’s going to happen in the end
  • I told you… it’s romantic
  • It’s a pile of shite Bernie
  • You have no feelings Jimmy
  • I’ve a feeling I’m going down the pub for a pint tonight
  • You go down the pub for a pint every night
  • So you know what happens then Bernie. You like knowing what happens
  • I know you’ll come home pissed as usual
  • I’ll do me best
  • Don’t wake me up when you get in
  • You’re such a romantic love
  • Romantic my arse Jimmy
  • But we love each other Bernie
  • Don’t forget your key Jimmy

Men!