I met Danny today, haven’t seen him or Marlene in ages.

• So, how was Christmas Dan? I never saw a bit of you, and not a decco in sight. Big change from last year.
• At least you didn’t have to call the police for the three wise men.
• Ah stop, don’t remind me. Mortified I was.
• It gave me a laugh. Anyway I went to Dessie’s with ma for Christmas.
• Dessie?
• Yeah , did I not tell you I was a twin?
• I thought you were an only child actually. So are you and Dessie identical?
• Denise wouldn’t look well with a beard. We’ve always called her Dessie, she was a right tomboy.
• Ah you must be really close, just like my Kylie and Jason. They were inseparable growing up.
• Yeah when we were younger, not so much since she got married and moved to Liverpool
• Ah that’s sad. I’m sure she was delighted to see you for Christmas.
• Her husband wasn’t. He’s an awful gobshite.
• Oh do you not get on?
• That’s an understatement, he only invited us because he thought he was going to get a few bob from ma after she sold her house.
• And did he?
• No, he was raging when he opened mas present.
• Why was that?
• She bought him a donation for the local cat sanctuary.
• Ohhh, well some people might like that.
• Jasper doesn’t like cats.
• Ah poor Marlene, She must have been mortified when she found that out.
• She already knew. Ma likes Jasper as much as Jasper likes cats.
• I’m loving your ma more everyday, Danny.
• You should have seen his eyes light up when she handed him the envelope on Christmas morning. I had to leave the room before he opened it, I could hardly look at ma, the grin on her face.
• She’s a gas woman, your ma.
• Tell me about it. She gave Dessie a ticket for a flight to Dublin for Paddy’s day. ‘I didn’t bother getting a ticket for you Jasper’ says she to him ‘I know you don’t like Ireland’. He was fuming.
• Why would he be fuming if he doesn’t like coming here anyway?
• We’ve been trying to get her away from that control freak for years. He’s the reason we never see her. He alienated her from everyone. He never lets her come home or have visitors to theirs. He only invited ma when he heard about the house sale and the money da left her.
• He sounds lovely.
• He’s going to flip when he finds out she’s come home with us. The Paddy’s day ticket was just a ruse so he’d let her drive us to the airport.

I swear this place is getting as bad as Coronation Street…